Planet Sawker

 The US Gold Cup squad is the new B team after finishing the CONCACAF tourney in disappointing 4th place. “Our goal is to go further in the next World Cup than we did in Brazil. This is a working process. This team will lean and get better,” Jurgen Klinsmann said after the US penalty kick defeat to Panama.

And by lean he obviously means promoting the upstart lads that defeated World Cup Champs Germany and the Netherlands. The change is a must after the Stars and Stripes went winless in consecutive Gold Cup games for the first time ever.

“I think we could have won this tournament. We didn't. We take our lessons from there and move on,” admitted Klinsmann. Obviously the 3rd place match didn’t mean much for Klinsy who left Gold Cup leading scorer Clint Dempsey on the bench for most of the match. 

The U.S. men's national team quest for Gold Cup glory continued with a one-nil win over scrappy Haiti. It was the second-straight win for the lackluster Yank’s, having defeated Honduras in their opening match, to secure Group A leadership and qualify to the Gold Cup finals.  

The USMNT’s lack of motivation to take on lowly CONCACAF rivals has been apparent but despite playing at 50% of their capacity the team has proven unbeatable. That’s what happens when you beat world class opponents (Netherlands/Germany) back to back in their own homes.

It is the equivalent of the Karate Kid’s Daniel Larrusso winning the All Valley Karate championship and then having to fight an autistic bully at school. That said Clint ‘Deuce’ Dempsey notched the winner in the 46th minute to take away any hopes the Haitians might of had of winning.

Nothing to see here mates. As expected the US handily defeated lowly Guatemala four-nil, at Nissan Stadium, in a pre-Gold Cup tune up match. Despite the lopsided win head coach Jurgen Klansman  was disappointed with the way the mighty Yanks had played.

"I'm not happy with that performance. I'm kind of disappointed with a couple of things: moving off the ball, speed of play, urgency. Things we talked about before were not executed the way we wanted them to be executed," Klansman told reporters.

"We have four days to prepare for Honduras. We expect a nasty game and an aggressive and difficult game. We definitely have to step it up," he said. Klansman added that there's still some struggles with connectivity and chemistry as the European- and Mexico-based players get back up to speed and mesh with their MLS teammates. 

That said game should of been over after this goal: BOOM goes the DYNAMITE!

The U.S. men's national team came back from 3-1 down to ‘Layeth the Smacketh Downeth’ on the Netherlands 4-3 in Amsterdam. The Stars and Stripes, playing with a B-C team, did what both Mexico and Costa Rica failed to do at the World Cup by defeating the flaming Dutch team.

The U.S, which had given Holland a two goal head start, decided to turn up the heat in the last ten minutes of the match. Daniel Williams leveled the match in the 89th and a minute later, after a world class move by Michael Bradley, Bobby Wood scored the match winner.

BOOM, that just happened. The Dutch can count themselves lucky that USMNT head coach Jurgen Klinsmann decided not to call up the dynamic duo of Freddy Adu and Julian Green. 

Great question Anon. With so many awesome US players where does one even begin. Do we go with the grit and determination of a John Harkes who was so committed with the national team that he even slept with his teammates wives.

How about Oguchi ‘Gucci’ Onyewu whose death stare would paralyze rival attackers with fear stopping them dead in their tracks. Then there's Marcelo Balboa who bled so much red, white, and blue that he forgot how to speak in Spanish.

In Friends who Love with Benefits Hope Solo and Alex Morgan celebrate winning the 2012 Olympic Gold Medal with more than just shots.

As far back as Chuck Blazer can remember he always wanted to be a Pirate-Ninja-Jedi. To him, being all of those things was better than being Vice President of CONCACAF. 

Even before Blzaer first wandered into the Caribbean for an after-school job, He knew he wanted to be a part of Jack Warner’s merry band of pirates. It was there that he knew that he belonged. 

To Blazer, it meant being somebody in a confederation that was full of nobodies. And being a somebody meant he could help the sport he loved grow in the United States.

"Chuck is one of the most important people in the history of soccer in this country. Those in the soccer business know how important he is to the development of this sport and management of this sport throughout North America," said MLS Commissioner Don Garber. 

"Not every American knows that the man behind the scenes pushing this sport is Chuck and for that he is very worthy of being recognized by MLS and by our ownership,” continued Garber. “We have an American that sits at the most influential level in FIFA on the Executive Committee not just representing the U.S. but representing all of the countries within CONCACAF and all of the leagues within CONCACAF. He's just unbelievably important to where we are today and where we're going to be in the future."

Unfortunately, Blazer’s pirating got the better of him and he became involved in minor incidents of racketeering, wire fraud, income tax evasion and money laundering. However, because Blazer has a commitment to help keep soccer honest  he began cooperating with federal authorities.

With each passing day the possibilities of the United Sates hosting the FIFA 2026 World Cup seem very likely. The tourney’s rotation would have come full circle with a CONCACAF nation set to once again host the Cup.

And there will be no better candidate than the United Sates who is rearing to go. There is no point in discussing the possibilities of the regional rivals making a serious bid. Canada is too cold. A combined Central America would need 100 years just to get the infrastructure in place. While FIFA would not want to deal with Mexico’s cartel problems.

That said. We can now start working on which mascot the US will use to represent the tourney. Since this will be Americas second Word Cup we here at Planet Sawker feel that two progressively bad ass Ponies would be the ideal mascot.

Not just any pony but My Little Pony ponies. Given that Bronies and Pegasisters have a vibrant and unique subculture similar to that of US soccer fans it makes perfect sense. Plus, the Pony’s motto ‘friendship is magic’ sits well with the multicultural American fan base. 

In 1988, in exchange for FIFA awarding the United States the right to host the 1994 World Cup, U.S. Soccer promised to establish a Kick Ass Division 1 professional soccer league. 

In order to improve the sport and make it popular in the world’s greatest country U.S soccer proposed five awesome rule changes that would have taken association football to the next level.

The first obvious change was to divide the game into quarters instead of halves. This change would have allowed for more intense tactical games where the Americans superior coaching methods would have flourished and revolutionized the way we play the sport.

The second change is one that speaks volumes of the U.S attack minded culture. Kick-ins instead of throw-ins would of made for more goal scoring options. This change would have also turned any throw-in into a set play which American fans of Basketball and Football would have eagerly embraced.

The most epic rule change to be ignored is that of extending the end line to behind the goal. Playing behind the goal may sound derpy but the unpredictability of such a bold move makes for endless possibilities. Imagine if you will new striker and defender roles. Wingers that aren’t able to cross the ball running behind goal to and becoming even more dangerous!

The intensity of such rule changes would then demand timeouts. FIFA’s hierarchy, however, is scared of losing their grasp over the beautiful game to relative new comers like the Stars and Stripes. And timeouts which allow for more commercial sponsorship money would have benefited US Soccer too much for FIFA’s liking. 

All eyes were on Ronaldinho Gaucho to guide the ‘White Roosters’ of Queretaro (pronounced: Kay-Retard-O) past the ‘Moles’ of Pachuca for a place in the Liga MX championship final. It was United States Men’s National Team washout Jonathan Bornstein, however, who would do what the Brazilian icon couldn’t.

Help find US soccer Phenom Freddy Adu who seems to be lost amongst a sea of promising young talent. Ever since besting World Cup legend Pele for a Sprite the US striker has yet to unleash his full potential. Soon, however, he will be ready to lead the USMNT to glory, but first you must find him.