pari

it's so strange following ur childhood best friends online. i hate social media. remember when we were 11 and made that gc called best friends forever with our group photo on it. remember when we used to make stupid jokes and think we'll always be friends. remember when people had friendship breaks, and we used to wonder what might have led to that because that could never be us. because now I'm 18, and none of them is here. everyone has new best friends, we're all scattered. we didn't have a friendship breakup. life broke us all up. maybe the group. maybe individually, too. maybe we're all just broken. i dont know. i miss you. i dont know who you are now. i miss you. i wish we could share our lunch under that big tree near the cafeteria again. i miss you. would u even care about me. i dont know. i miss you.

how disappointed do you have to be with your daughter to turn off the light of her room because she isn't studying. or doing something useful. how much do you have to hate your daughter to be that cruel to her? to despise her because she merely exists. and her existence is nothing but a burden to you. it brings you nothing. no fame, no power, no wealth, not even a chance to boast. is that all it is? is that all she is? a burden. one they can not get rid of. one you can not bury or drown. why is it so suffocating to be? just. to. be.

i was never smart enough. i was never pretty enough. i was never funny enough. i was just never enough. i wasn't needed, and no one would feel my absence if i disappeared. yet i was still there, i was always there. whether it was helping people, doing their work, or understanding them. i was always there, though i wasn't needed. i gave my all, i loved people even if i didn't receive the love back. i cared even if they didn't. i gave all my warmth away, but no one gave me my share.

the gut wrenching feeling when you know you're important to a lot of people but not one of them would choose you in a room full of people they know.

it's so difficult to be a person who believes that the more someone knows about them, the less they'll love them. like, what do you mean you love me? are you sure? why would u think that? would you still love me if you saw me crying in the middle of the night? will you still love me when i shut you out? will you still love me if i tell you how unstable i am? will you still love me if you find out how unlovable i have been my whole life? will you still love me if you see me curled up on the floor begging for some air to breathe? will you still love me if i can't get up some days? will you still love me if i dont live up to your expectations? what if I'm not the person you think i am? What if it's all fake? will you still love me if i let you in? will you? will you love me then?

my best friend has another best friend. all my friends have a best friend. i do have a best friend, but sometimes i feel like I'm not to her what she is to me. my friends celebrate each other's birthdays, they give each other surprises and gifts, they bake pretty cakes and put up decorations too. nobody celebrates my birthday. nobody bakes a cake for me. nobody decorates my room for me. maybe I'm meant to be alone. but i wonder, is any human being meant to be alone? why does it feel so painful. i give my all, they take it, turn it to nothing and give it back to me. will it always be like this? will i ever find someone who's meant to be just my best friend? my platonic soulmate. what if it's too late. what if we already passed by each other but never looked back. what if I'm meant to be alone, desperate, and unlovable.

my parents never let me dream. They always forced their dreams onto me. but last night, while i was lying in bed, forcing myself to sleep instead of perceiving all the horrors of this world, i realised something. they may not have motivated me to find MY dream, but they definitely helped me become a dreamer. i can get up every day and find something that motivates me because that's who i am, a dreamer. that's what they made me, and I'll forever be grateful for that. Not everyone can dream, you know.