my lil' shop o' horrors :3

The Jellybear Incident of 6th Grade

It’s the sixth grade. Somehow, I had come across a catalogue for the store they bought all the school store crap from. You know, the smelly erasers and dumb keychains that they sell for like a buck apiece. So I somehow got this catalogue, and little old entrepreneur me was like “I should buy something from this and sell it at school for an absurdly high price to gain basically pure profit.” As sixth graders do. So I bought two huge tubs full of these keychains called Jellybears. This is what they look like.

So I bought a metric fuckton of these assholes for about 20 cents a piece. I start selling them at school for a buck fifty. Like I said, pure profit. 6th grade me was brilliant. I broke even in like eight seconds of me whippin these bad boys out at school. Saying these are were a hit is an understatement. They were like a home run triple, or some other sports metaphor. People are buying this shit at lunch time, between classes. Shit, one girl even admitted to selling the ones she bought off me around her neighborhood for like five bucks. I was happy to be the middleman, but I digress. The point is, not only did I gain entrepreneurial skills, I also made a pretty penny. However, a month into my brilliant business, I get a call down to the office.

I had never been called to the office before. I was such a goody two-shoes you wouldn’t believe. This was in a school that boasted like two fights per week. The ratio of cops and administrators to students was like 1:3. And there were 1700 people at this school. That’s a whole lot of authority figures for a whole lot of miscreants and ne’er-do-wells. And here I was, reading large pretentious books and wearing polo shirts, with a gigantic backpack and in an advanced math class. I was, and still am, a lame weeny. Just wanted to put that in perspective.

Anyway, I was called down to the office that day. Literally shaking in the huge chair they had for me, facing down the terrifying vice-principal, she pulled out a Jellybear.

It was the DIVA one, if I’m not mistaken. I was then given a good lecture about how I’m not allowed to sell things on campus without explicit permission, yadda yadda, the whole spiel. Except I felt there was something fishy about the whole thing. Maybe it was how she held the Jellybear in her hand, perhaps it was the way she confiscated the rest of them. 

After asking around with the intense gossip network of middle school, I discovered the real reason the administration confiscated the Jellybears.

They had reason to suspect I was filling them with vodka.

They had reason to suspect that I, the tiny, stupid haired, braces-clad sixth grader who played a tuba bigger than she was was the head of a sophisticated alcohol distributing cartel in which I punctured and drained the goop from cute keychains, refilled them with straight vodka with a syringe, sealed them off with no trace, and sold them around school.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered that they assumed me capable of that sort of espionage, or insulted that they thought me dumb enough to sell middle schoolers straight vodka for A BUCK FIFTY. 

With Burr he brings the two Theodosias and maybe a lil forgiveness and closure

When Eliza dies he comes for her with Philip, Angelica and Peggy (imagine a slower, bittersweet reprise of the Schuyler sisters)

For Lafayette and Mulligan he brings Laurens and they head off singing The Story of Tonight

Wise words from Thomas Jefferson 

- James Madison “accidentally” buys prostitutes for foreign ambassadors

- Jefferson eating a tomato like an apple at a dinner and everyone rushing off to find a doctor because Americans thought tomatoes were poisonous

- Washington and Lafayette falling asleep under a tree after Monmouth

- Washington cursing out Charles Lee after his retreat

- James Armistead Lafayette, who was a badass spy during the revolution and gave Lafayette vital information which led to the victory at Yorktown. Lafayette freed him and James was so grateful he took Lafayette’s last name

- Lafayette being given an alligator as a gift and, not knowing what to do with it, regifting it to John Quincy Adams

- the Constitutional Convention going out and getting turnt two days before the signing of the Constitution, and some of the additional charges being a broken chair, cups, and chamber pots

- John Hancock being smol

- Alexander Hamilton’s argument against hanging John Andrè basically being “he’s too pretty”

- Aaron Burr sleeping through Valentine’s Day

- Lafayette naming his ONLY son after George Washington

- Ben Franklin and John Adams once having to share a room with one bed and falling asleep arguing whether or not they should sleep with the window open or closed

- Ben Franklin taking “air baths” which consisted of him sitting naked in a bathtub for hours a day

- Aaron Burr having a knife hidden in the handle of his umbrella, and then LOSING said umbrella

- John Adams’ kid Charles once ran naked across Harvard Yard

- Alexander Hamilton losing his check book and having to write the bank of New York for a new one, while also requesting his account balance which he didn’t know, which he wrote in the check book, which he lost

- Aaron Burr hitting his head on the same pipe twice jfc he’s such a mess

- Thomas Jefferson getting a terrible headache for two days after behaving awkwardly in front of a girl

- John Adams naming his dog Satan

- Alexander Hamilton’s letters to his totally hetero bro™ John Laurens being censored by his descendants

“At least I’ll keep his eyes in my life.”

“You, you, you.”

“You forfeit all rights to my heart.”

“I would always change the line…”

“Sept huit… sept huit…”

“Philip, you would like it uptown; it’s quiet uptown.”

“And you would smile, and that would be enough.”

“He aims his pistol at the sky, WAIT!”

“I live another fifty years… it’s not enough.”

“You have no control, who lives, who dies, who tells your story.”

So apparently Jefferson was obsessed with making mac and cheese and would serve it all the time and everyone thought it was gross, so this is what I think about every time I hear The Room Where it Happens.

“Well, I arranged the meeting. I arranged the menu, the venue, the seating…”

Lafayette: pulls back hair and evolves into a cocky piece of purple velvet