Step On Me, Im The Worst

Look I’m not even a fan of country folk music but John Denver had to have been dabbling in some dark magicks to make Take Me Home Country Roads slap so fuckin hard

-He hasn’t washed his sheets since last February and honestly at this point he just piles more blankets on top of his bed to make the gross sheet feeling go away.

So, we’re going to assume you mean BiologicalDad!Might which I haven’t done, and Yagi Toshinori, Boba Straw In Crisis Mode, is not expecting to have kids at his age. Matter of fact, if at some point he realizes that’s on the table, he’s going to... well, actually, he might handle it pretty well. He’s got the whole thing where he doesn’t think he’s going to live much longer going on, so he’s probably going to worry about that at exactly three in the morning several nights in a row and wake you up because he’s frantically looking at life insurance policies on his phone in the dark, but overall, he’s going to be really excited! I mean we’ve established that he loves kids, and he’s going to do all the shit. All of it. Obsessively. Those prenatal classes? He on that. Pregnancy yoga? He’s gon do that with you/and your surrogate. He’s going to own seven different books on parenting and he’s going to stop talking about almost anything other than baby stuff for a hot minute. He’s going to also fill your nursery with tacky All Might merchandise because he is who he is as a person. And when little Baby Might actually happens he’s going to be that dad who has three hundred forty seven pictures of his ugly drooling shitbag child (newborns are ugly don’t @ me) on his phone and proudly show everyone he fucking sees. The urge to literally drop videos of this kid eating dirt when he’s doing interviews as All Might is going to be so strong that he’s going to make himself sick on national television trying to hold it in, because All Might can’t all of a sudden be like “BY THE WAY I HAVE SIRED A HUMAN,” that would break the internet. So instead he’s going to Actually Fucking Kill his coworkers and friends by constantly spamming videos and photos and updates on this child. I do think he’s the kind of dad who would get up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby, so that’s definitely a good and cool thing. He’s going to be so Plus Extra about it that he’s going to try to teach it how to do EVERYTHING, but he’s going to hover really badly, and so every time your kid scrapes a knee he’s going to panic about germs and infections.

I don’t know how to write cute things only awkward social situations

So Yagi “Scarecrow Complete Without Brain” Toshinori is probably not in the marrying mind, because he’s fully aware that his time left is entirely limited. If you can get him over the isolation he’s put himself into for what he believes to be his last few years enough for him to actually date you, I don’t think marriage is a thing he’s considering very hard, because Until Death Do Us Part is for him more like Until December Do Us Part. It’s sad, I’m sad, but Sir Nighteye was wrong about at least two things, so we’re moving forward and hopping on that Positivity and Funnies Train where the bad guys never win and All Might is always Plus Ultra. So, say one day he thinks, “oh, man, what if we were married?” He will first have a Full Blown Panic Attack thinking about it. Dawg I have panic attacks thinking about it and I’m currently single, you KNOW ya boi Shriveled Bag of Seaweed is going to have a newfound fear put into him. I do think he would propose, but also 1. He’s not one for huge gestures that might rat him or you out as being... well, him and you, and 2. He probably doesn’t know how to do it in a way that would be big and romantic anyway, also 3. He’s probably a little old fashioned that way, and wants to be the proposing party. You maybe would have had to at one point brought up the topic casually, at which point he definitely choked nearly to death on his milk, turned it into some Strawberry Milk with all the blood and coughing, and then you realized you could Never. Bring It Up. Again. But he fixates on the idea, and soon he’s awkwardly shuffling through jewelry magazines and occasionally pouring through diamond stores. He vacillates between wanting to be modest and not too showy and being the Gaudiest, Tackiest Animal Ever To Exist, so he’s either going to finally decide on a lovely and modest ring, or a huge flashy piece of shit rock that looks like you could take out someone’s eye if you punched them even slightly. There are no middle sliders here, so choose carefully on the type of ring you think would suit you best. Doesn’t matter your gender orientation, either, he doesn’t know shit about shit anyway, so whether you’re a boy, girl, combination of the two, neither, or something completely different, he’s going to get you a pretty ring. So you’re going to be at home probably when he proposes, because being in public surrounded by people while he does some sort of romantic display causes him the Anxiety, and more than likely he’s going to be Visibly Uncomfortable for the time leading up to his planned proposal. And, I mean, More Nervous than you have probably Ever Seen Him Before. You’re going to think he’s about to break up with you or tell you he’s having an affair somehow or that he has a secret child you didn’t know anything about. But he’s going to start rambling - a speech for the ages, but with no discernible plotted path or reasoning. It’s going to be a nightmare monologue, he’s going to bump his shin on your coffee table (fucking again god damnit) as he gets down on one knee, and he will not be able to make eye contact as he shakily pops open that weird little ring box and also The Big Question. He will be shaking like a leaf so bad that when you inevitably say yes (because how could you possibly say no to him??) he’s going to drop the ring three times before you have to put it on your own finger. He’ll be overjoyed, noticeably relieved, and you can start on your pathway to (temporary????) wedded bliss.

Oh!! Gosh?? I love you too!!!

Aizawa Shota is a mess in a completely different way from Yagi Toshinori, in that he’s bad at everything related to being a human because he’s So Tired All the Time that the energy required to do things like Wash His Draws or Feed Hisself is probably something he just does not have. Sure, probably he’s tired because realistically he’s basically Shitty Batman and likes to do all his heroing in the dark of the night, but I think The Man Ain’t Sleep at Night, just watches Wheel of Fortune reruns until the sun comes up and eats cold Hot Pockets without tasting them. Literally he refuses to believe that you’re interested in dating him because that’s just. Not a thing. To him. You could tell this Extremely Tired Ghost straight-up “excuse me, sir, I would enjoy courting you and eventually engaging in intercourse,” and he would be like, “you wild though why you playin.” Is it a self-esteem issue? Naw, he just ain’t there mentally. But he seems to be actually pretty up for going out and chillin, so probably enough bar crawls and awkward karaokes (he literally only does one song, and it’s the most monotonously apathetic version of “Sex and Candy” you’ve ever heard) you can probably kiss him or something, and he’ll be like “oh you were serious.” Then you’ll be... dating, he guesses. He’s not a great boyfriend, not because he doesn’t care, just because the sort of sweet things boyfriends do don’t occur to him. But, he is definitely a caring person in his own way, so he probably shows affection in ways that aren’t really noticeable unless you’re really paying attention. He remembers stuff like your favorite snacks, so if you go to a movie he’ll just buy them and hand them to you without having to ask. You’ve got a cold and when you go to visit him (in his abomination of an apartment that is absolutely revolting) his cabinets will be packed with cold medicine and tissues because he figured you’d need them. Won’t mention it, because that would be showing that he gives a shit, and he’s not there yet. Will he throw down on cuddles? Nope. Probably doesn’t like to be touched much, actually. The first time you decide to snuggle during a movie he’s going to kind of let it happen, but he’s not going to be an active participant, so you’re going to have to push some snack wrappers off the couch and wrap up in Nihilistic Emotional-Idiot on your own. You could text him at literally any hour of the day and either he’ll leave you on read for seven hours or you’ll get short responses at three in the morning, and then suddenly he’s telling you about the weird infomercial he’s watching. You gotta feed this man because he ain’t do it himself, you’ll show up with bags of groceries and he’ll be sitting on the couch in his underwear in the dark with the slowest most boring chill music playing that you’ve ever heard (like Portishead on Mescaline) and he literally won’t know that you’re supposed to rerfrigerate vegetables. He has a jar of mayonnaise in his fridge from 2003 and there’s a pile of socks next to his front door that look like they’re a lightning strike away from developing sentience.

-He gots to talk in his sleep, y’all. This dude has Seen Some Shit in his life, and that often leads to restless sleep and some Heavy Thrashing. Yeah sometimes he’ll say names you’re not familiar with, sometimes it’ll be dumb shit where he demands Taco Bell loudly at three in the morning, and sometimes he probably just starts screaming. I bet he turns into All Might at least once in his sleep, collapses half the bed, and turns immediately back before you wake up, so you’re rudely awoken to the scene of your boyfriend flailing and coughing blood,!your bedroom is full of steam for some reason, and you probably have been launched off the bed and have sprained a wrist.

Yagi “A Bunch of Nervous Salamanders in a Trenchcoat” Toshinori is probably a very vanilla man, sexually. Even if you’re at a point in your relationship where you’re actually having sex, that’s still got to be something he hasn’t done a whole lot in his life, and dude’s old enough that trying new things in the bedroom probably sounds kind of like a scary hassle than a fun exciting thing. So, say you decide to surprise him trussed up in nothing but your birthday suit with some Shibari accents? He will be horrified that someone has broken into your home, tied you up, and literally stolen the clothes off of your back. He’s going to flip, frantically checking to see what’s been stolen as he coughs blood onto those valuables that have Very Obviously Not Been Stolen. There’s gon be some cleanup, friendo, and it’s not going to be the fun kind. Any form of BDSM is going to stress him out because the idea of hurting you, even for funsies, sounds like a Bad Time, and he’s probably not going to enjoy being on the receiving end, either. Besides, wouldn’t you feel bad, dripping hot wax onto a Paper Mache Daddy Longlegs? He’d look just pitiful, and not in a cute way. He probably thinks most bodily excretions are too gross, fursuits sound uncomfortable and he’d look really weird in any fursuit you wrestled that string bean into, and he lacks the self confidence for most forms of roleplay. And you cannot cuck the man. That’s either going to be a traumatizing experience for him, or you’re going to have All Might in his full glory standing there, pants-off and arms akimbo, in the middle of your living room, going “I am here! To watch you fuck my partner!” Yikes. Although, he does get real into pretending to be a villain, so there may be some wiggle room there for roleplay. Not a whole lot, because if you happen to have, say, rape fantasies, there is no way on god’s green earth that this man will ever be okay even pretending that. But weird fantasy shit? A goofy Knight Costume and a Cheap Dollar Tree Shield? Like... cat ears, maybe?? He could probably get all sorts of into that goofy shit.

Yagi “Bag of Anxiety and Thumbtacks” Toshinori in all reality could probably use some of that good green herb. Unfortunately, it’s illeagle most places, so he’s strictly against it. He probably did D.A.R.E. Anti drug type advertisements at some point against it, too. “Mary Jane?? Only VILLAINS do that! STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS, DRUGS ARE BAD. Jazz Cigarettes might SOUND cool, but the only cool thing to be is DRUG-FREE.” And anyway, he would be limited to how he would imbibe in it anyway, because he has Tragically Fucked Up Lungs. But if we’re playing Timeline Calvinball and he was around for what my dad calls The Stoned Age, you know he apparently canonically fuckin LIVES for cookies?? One time my beloved departed Nana told us this story about how some hippies invited her to their home and fed her a bunch of cookies she didn’t know were Magic Cookies, and she ended up going to judge a ballet competition stoned out of her fucking mind. This has Absolutely Happened to the Shower Attachment Line in a Sweater. He went to some party and had a grand old time, realized they had just A Mountain of cookies, and went to town, got so stoned that he thought time was a flat circle, stroked an ugly shag carpet for forty minutes, freaked out, called the cops because he thought he was Actually Dead in that Moment, and was never invited to another one of those parties. It is a moment of which he feels intense shame, and the only other person who probably knows about it is Dave, who still randomly calls him long-distance at all hours of the night literally just to ask, “hey, remember that time you got so stoned you thought you were dead and kept asking people if they could see the vibrations from the music?” So he is not a fan of that sticky icky OG kush. But, he probably doesn’t even know what it actually looks or smells like, so if you partake, he probably finds it and says, “this is a strange way to store oregano!” And then you have to figure out how to display it in your kitchen and also simultaneously avoid him ever using it for cooking, or find a better hiding place. If he does discover that you, in fact, partake of the good bud, my good bud, he will be so disappointed. He might try to take you to rehab because he cares so very much, but also thinks it may cause Weed Psychosis or something equally ridiculous.