Dedicated to Caroline

Sooo, what have I been up to? A lot actually!

First off, I'd like to introduce a new member to my household, her name is Lucky, and I found her on an urbex trip last year as a tiny thing, and looked how gorgeous she is as an adult!

Those markings are pretty neat, huh? She's looks just like a Maneki Neko, all that's missing is a red ribbon and koban coin. She has such a sweet, affectionate personality, she is surprisingly very open to strangers giving her attention, and she loves water! Yeah, she plays in water! She has zero fear of it and likes playing with the sink faucet or laying on my shoulders when I soaking in the bath. I think it stems from me taking her out to the garden with me in the summer when I was watering the plants, the puddles cooled her off.

Speaking of gardening, I have two new trees. Ginkgos! My great aunt had one in her front yard, these are the babies. Since it's way too cold to plant them directly into the ground, they're currently in pots. I want them to grow just a bit larger before transplanting them.

And yes, that's Sol posing by the new trees! Look how handsome he is now! I'm glad he and his sister took in Lucky as an honorable sibling, I think she'd be very lonely otherwise. Stella has also grown up to be beautiful, and likes sharing her bed with Lucky. Orion doesn't like her though. Lol but he tolerates her so long as she doesn't get too close.

My health is better, thankfully. While I think I'll always have hypotension now, my doctor and I found a setup that works to keep it at bay. I have to watch my activity level and learn to rest properly (exercise can cause BP to drop fast), and stay hydrated with electrolytes daily. I have to set reminders though, since Im so bad at remembering. So far I haven't had any relapses for 7 months. I've also oddly lost a lot of weight, I thought it was suspicious, but my doctor said I'm actually at my BMI and the weight loss was gradual. My records show it was within a normal time range. Idk it felt so sudden to ME, but maybe I didn't notice it until recently. Eh. My sense of time isn't the best. Whatever the case, I was told to keep doing whatever I'm doing.

Work is... just as weird as always! Lol to the point it's kind of not weird for me anymore, I've gotten used to the strangeness of it. My brother however never got used to it. He actually quit working for the labs, not because it scared him off but because he finally got his major finished and he is working in an observatory down south. I'm proud of him! Space has always been a big interest for him, and the space science here in NM is growing!

As for creating, I've been busy writing two fanfics on Ao3. One is a Pokemon story, Come What May, and another is an alternate take on the classic Disney film, The Little Mermaid, called Candle on the Water. They're pretty long, my Pokemon fic is currently topping 20 chapters! I'd really appreciate if more people read them. Give em a little love. It's not the best work ever, but I'm kinda proud of them. They were written when I was struggling with a lot of self doubt and mild Imposter Syndrome. I'm working on being more gentle to myself and not letting perfectionism sabotage me or stop me from creating, and I'm kinda seeing that effort pay off bit by bit.

I've also been doing some song covers. I'm not sure if I'm confident in sharing those yet, but I've gotten a lot of encouragement from my family and my brother's friend who has been letting me borrow his music studio for recording sessions. Maybe I'll post one song if it's requested. I have three covers so far and they're all Evanescence. XD

Its been a very peaceful time for me, I got a raise last November and it's been nice. I've been treating myself to stationery and home decor. I splurged a bit and got two gaming devices from Anbernic, and have been modding my 3DSXL. Because screw gaming companies and their paywalling/microtransactions. It's time we start actually owning our games again, including media like music and movies.

I think this year is going to focus on retro media for me. CDs, DVDs, cassettes and vinyls. I've been rediscovering my collection in the garage and learning to maintain/fix my devices. Because while I do enjoy my modern media, I like the thought of having offline backups should I not have access to it later.

And my old school stuff takes me back to my summer days in school when I couldn't wait to get home to play my Gameboy while listening to my CDs, reading comics, or doodle and write short stories in my notebooks, or make zines with my friends. That might be something to revisit this summer.

I hope everything has been going well for you all, and if not, I hope it will soon. I may just return to this year, but probably gradually. I missed you all, and I miss sharing bits of my life here with you.

Take care! 💕

Luna and the kittens are so big now! I doubt you'll recognize them. They grew up so fast and they're little monsters. I love them. I'll get some photos of them soon.

My analog life is going well, got a lot of things I've been procrastinating out of the way at last, been dabbling in analog photography with my brother, bought an instant camera, been buying analog media, and doing some gardening as Spring is just right around the corner. I started a carnivorous plant terrarium, and one with some collected moss and lichen. Really interesting to just observe them, you find details about them that are fascinating all the time, and just watching them thrive is satisfying. I'm also going to order some mushroom spores (oyster variety) and create a kino-terrium, an enclosed space to watch the develop of the mushroom. Since they grow so fast, they'd be a good subject for time-lapse photography. And the results will be delicious mushrooms to stir fry.

I got a lot of things planned. I'm even thinking of buying supplies from the labs to start my own bioluminescent algae tank for my home. They're the same thing as what you'd find during the blue tide. I think a jar of them plus the grow lights are just under $15 from the supply station, and are readily available year round, since some employees make glowing ornaments during Christmas.

Speaking of the labs....

I'm currently collaborating with Brun on a project that involves early warning detection systems for flood prone areas. A huge issue in our region. They're devices that stay dormant until activated by rain water, and they're shaped like trilobites! It's a perfect blend of Brun's love of future engineering and my love of a prehistoric aesthetic. In fact he knows me so well, he bought me a mini mammoth plushie for my birthday last year. It's so cute. I have to think about what I might get him. I was thinking one of those retro tin robots. I think he'd get a kick out of it considering he works with robotics and ai.

Annnd that's about it. I'm still unsure when I'll be coming back to this blog. I'm still working on why social media is causing me so much dread and anxiety. I think the culture in it is to blame, it's more hostile I think, and while that hostility isn't aimed at me, I still feel it secondhand. Might be part of my empathy trait. The bad vibes are affecting me and my mind is like "yeah, I don't need that energy in my life", and I've always been one to follow my gut instincts about that sort of thing. Maybe when people on social media chill out and learns to live more peacefully, I'll come back.

The first one looks just like her and Jupiter! Completely black, even the paw pads and nose. After an hour the second one arrived, looks just like their parents again, though there is a hint of stripes on the forehead, much like Jupiter's late grandparents. This one might be a charcoal tabby. Genetics are amazing.

Some updates on Luna. She's doing great so far, her appetite has been a bit off but I'm told that's normal, she's probably feeling a bit of morning sickness, her appetite should start increasing soon. Meanwhile I've just been spoiling her like mad, giving her a very nutritional kitten food which she loves, my room has become her quiet space, and I even close the door so Orion, my other black cat, won't bother her as she sleeps.

You see, my neighbor, Marcia, the beekeeper, recently lost two of her cats, Thomasina and Harriet, they were sisters both living to 18 years old. They were such chatty, friendly old girls when I'd go over every April to buy raw honey. They're survived by Jupiter, Harriet's descendant, a beautiful Bombay tom like my own, but before fixing him, she asked if it was okay if he bred with Luna. I asked if she hadn't considering adopting first, but she did. She went to the pound in town and found a sweet little calico that looked a lot like Harriet, but when she filled out a form, she was disqualified. They're only looking for pet owners within the city limits, and her farm animals were considered a danger. She was heartbroken.

That's just unfair. I wonder what they'd think of my neighbor Enrique who has cats raised around roosters and geese of all things! Or that my cats often visit a stable with goats! But rules are rules. So I agreed with Marcia about breeding Luna and Jupiter. But we'd have to see if they were compatible.

Oh, they were super sweet with each other, both playful and energetic, theyre very close in age too. Now Luna is in her 5th week of pregnancy. She's pinked up a lot but is not all that large yet, which might mean it's not a big litter. The vet stated she's in great health and the kittens are growing well. She may have only three, but that's very average for new mothers. Marcia will be adopting two kittens from there, and I may keep one in memory of my lost cat. If there's another surprise kitten, my mom wants it. This is good though, every kitten will have a home and they wont even live that far from each other.

Long post ahead so brace yourself! I promise it's good.

So...

In a way my life outside of work went backwards in time. I did it all so drastically by canceling my internet for five months, and my phone? Well took a bit of searching to find a carrier with a non-smart phone device but I found one. Calls and text only. I left a message that my hours to call were between 1pm - 10pm. Unless there was an emergency. Devices like my laptop and tablet were not allowed in my room, everything was in the kitchen or living room, shut off entirely and used only when I got all my important things in the house done. My screentime was limited to just an hour and I set timers to keep to that. I was too used to spending so much time watching videos and pinning things but had nothing to show at the end of it all.

It was hard at first, but they say breaking a habit takes 21 days and it's easier if you replace the habit with a better one. So I asked a friend from work to hold me accountable and suggest a task to replace any mindless scrolling. She lived in ABQ but originally came from another country, she'd always had an interest in the local wildlife but being a city girl wasn't too comfortable going out herself. She knew I was much more daring, so she set me on a task to document what I'd find out there, take photos, write notes, and share them once a week. I found a sturdy enough journal in the garage and used that. I first I tried to draw everything but that was impractical, my brother gave me an old dedicated camera and then it all fell into place.

My friend loved reading through it, she'd add her own notes, she even added gummed stars to it like an old school book report. It's become a fun task but I'm running out of pages now, she said she wouldn't mind continuing it but it's apparent I haven't gone back to scrolling much anymore. Mission accomplished!

I got back into handicrafts. Sure I still draw digitally, but I started wanting to create things I could hold. Since I missed keeping a record of my life online, I started looking into analog journaling, at first it was just writing then I started playing around with found ephemera, finding quotes that inspired me, creating a ritual of lighting a candle and using scented pens to make these sessions soothing and inviting. When it rained, I'd open the window and write near it, and since these writings would only be for my eyes, I was allowed to write whatever came to mind, no filters or censoring, just my raw emotions and feelings. The torn pictures and odd bits glued in reflecting my mood for that day. While it's more convenient to pop open an app to write, it felt nice to see and touch something physical, to brush a finger on that pressed leaf I found by a stream or smell that bit of perfume I wore going out to eat with my loved ones.

My brother started getting inspired by me, and though he still uses his technology daily like gaming or the phone, he's taken to cooking from scratch. He has food intolerances (milk, nuts, and eggs), it limits his choices on anything from snacks to meals and some of the alternatives offered in stores taste horrible, but YouTube has been a huge resource on how to create food he can truly enjoy without accidently eating something that could make him sick. I'm his taste-tester now. At first his experiments were questionable, but now I enjoy his vegetable pancakes, mushroom and spinach hashbrowns, and venturing into Greek cuisine whenever my mom's dad goes on video chat. They'll cook together.

I became a bit more spiritual. I never understood why my dad would spend so long over a certain bit of text or quote that caught his eye, then write pages about how he interpreted it or how it made him feel, but now I do. Sometimes something just grabs you and you get so many thoughts about it. Nature makes me feel that. I'll see something and a profound thought hits me, suddenly I start writing pages expressing my thoughts, sometimes its just giving thanks for being able to be alive at that space and time to witness it. My grandmother says I'm finally learning to listen and being taught by beings much older than humanity. It's all fine to go out and explore, go seek out a thrill, but it's equally exciting coming back home having learned something that makes things fall into place or challenged your way of thinking. So now I use these experiences and meditate on them quietly, write what believe I was being taught, then open that page again when I need guidance. It's certainly helped when I felt overwhelmed and depressed.

I dropped to a very low point when I lost my orange tabby this year, he fell ill in July and I tried my best to figure out how to help him through vets. It never hit me just how old he really was. He acted like a kitten, looked so young... he was 17. His heart was just wearing down and he was in pain. They gave me time to say goodbye. I spoke and held him until the end. I buried him in the ground of the only home he knew. I remember writing something about this when I came across a dying crow in the woods. It was beautiful, their eyes looked so old, the feathers were faded and shabby. They didn't look scared when I stumbled upon them. Didn't react at all. Just stayed there, wings held tightly, barely breathing, making soft sounds as if it was talking to itself. I imitated it, and it responded with more soft sounds, coos, preened itself a bit. It wobbled toward me but stayed its distance. We went back and forth making those soft sounds. Eventually it's body went slack and it's eyes dulled. This little life was gone and it moved me to write coming back home.

I don't know how animals think of death or if they think of it all, maybe it's my human bias, but I know if my time eventually came, I'd like to have someone see me off, even a stranger. I'd like to hear a gentle voice as I passed on. That I wasn't alone. This experience in May helped my loss in July. This little kitten that I raised since he was 3 days old, found in a city dump with their siblings, I was there for all his firsts, for his graceful aging, and for his final days. And that's such an honor when you think about it. I was blessed with so much time with him, and it really does make you cherish the time spent with other loved ones. We never know how much time we have left with someone, yet we think we have forever.

To end this on a positive note, my health improved. I haven't had any relapses in my blood pressure, no fainting, even when doing some hiking I was okay. Maybe I finally built back my blood after that major injury, maybe it was the detox, who knows, maybe everything. But I think I can say I've made a full recovery. Work is the same as usual, still weird and entertaining as always. My brother's integrated into the night crowd wonderfully well and feeling like he's finally out of that stagnant place in his life. My mom is great, she's since moved into Carolines home and intends to stay long term. She enjoys the culture up here. Her father bought her old home and her younger brother is a permanent resident there, getting the help he needs for his schizophrenia, and pursuing his art again with a renewed passion.

Financially we're doing better than I could hope, I got a substantial increase, but we're still being frugal and helping out those who need it. As you read my inner health has improved and I feel like I finally have a handle on how I want to live. Essentially in a different era so to speak. I guess that's what I was searching for when I said I felt like Alice in that last post. I was looking for a way home through old abandoned buildings and forgotten places. And thought something must be wrong with me. Why did that feel like home? Because it was, it is.

When I rebelled against my mom, I took off not knowing where to go. I found refuge in these forgotten places and they became a home. Like these forgotten places I too felt betrayed by people I thought loved me, I felt discarded and alone. So I suppose I imprinted on them, regarded them as friends and shelter during the darkest days of my life. I was so scared, I felt like she'd find me, drag me home, punish me for daring to go againest her if I hid in the usual places. But she would never find me in these places. They were much too ruined, chaotic, and distorted.

When I finally found a true place to call home with Caroline, I started missing these places, as they were my islands in a storm, they took me in when I had nothing. I became protective of these places that people feared. I wanted to show everyone the beauty I saw in these empty and liminal places. But capturing that feeling without them knowing the context and emotions I felt during that time was tricky or next to impossible. So I started researching their history, piecing together what these places were, never once trying to present them as scary but that they simply existed and were misunderstood.

And this worked. It also worked for my relationship with my mom, especially when someone outside the family tried to tear down her old childhood home, something she had a hand in making long ago. I was there to defend it, to put a stop to a man who called it worthless. And my words spoke out againest this to the city, asking them to see what I see, and what it could be. That you didn't need to destroy something to make room for something new, as not everything new is good. You can change things that already exist and make them better. You just have to make the first move and sometimes that's all it takes to have others follow.

It was here I realized its was in my nature to guard. Not just as a job, but as a guard in its truest definition. Just as I advocate for those who work below and forgotten by the employees above. With Brun and his crew. With the janitorial. With the abandoned animals, with the homeless, with the local native tribe. My heart is full for those lost and voiceless, because I know how that feels intimately.

And now my mom's old home still stands, being renovated and preserved as a historical spot. I believe that was the pivotal point our relationship mended. She understood now. We came to accept we needed each other for balance. Sometimes she needed to let go of that stubborn order to have a little fun and to keep sentimental things from being forgotten. Sometimes I needed a bit more structure in my life.

Okay so a lot of structure.

It's a work in progress, especially with setting times and limits on myself, my god its hard! But its worth it. I don't think I'll be fully like her, lord knows we're too different for that, my brother is more like her but with time management. Together they help me be accountable, and I help them cut loose a bit when they get too wound up.

But getting back to the main topic...

I am sorry for just disappearing and leaving people hanging. I guess I thought my last message explained it all, but a few were left confused and scared. I'm really am sorry for that. I'm okay! I hope you're okay and if not, I hope you will be okay soon.

However if you think this message is me returning, Im sorry. Its not. I really don't want to return to social media to be honest. I don't know if I'd fall into the same bad habits again, and it was an uphill battle trying to undo the damage it caused me. I've fallen out of love with things I used to do online as well, they just don't appeal to me anymore for various reasons, and that may impact a few of the friends I left behind. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me, you're valid in your anger and sadness, I acknowledge and accept that. If you never want to speak to me, it's okay, I understand. You do what you need to.

To those who wish to stay in contact, I can't exactly guarantee we can. It might be intermittent, weeks or months might pass. I guess in a way my lifestyle now has a bit of a time-dilation thing. Things will take longer to get to. Transmissions might get lost. Please understand why though.

Really loving my new tab so far, feels so much like using my laptop sometimes. Loving the pop up app options too, I can listen to music, doodle, journal, and check on my succulent garden at the same time. So far my most used apps are Nightwave Plaza, Viridi, Samsung Notes, and Luna Diary.

I would write about this a lot in my composition books in school. Teachers were concerned about my writing, thinking I was depressed. I wasn’t. I’m not. This misplaced feeling isn’t tied to anything negative, it’s just a very odd interesting thought that hasn’t left me for years.

You remember the part where Alice walks through the mirror and everything is the same but with slight differences? A kind of reverse world? As a child I was fascinated by this scene. It was the closest I could get to describing what I feel. I felt I was looking at the world around me from the inside of a mirror, but unlike Alice I can’t go back home. I can't get back to the reversed place. I know it had a name. I just forgot. But I was happy there and everything made sense. I catch glimpses of it in my dreams but they feel like memories. I can navigate them, come back to the same places, they're too structured and consistent to be made up.

When I first walked into an abandoned place, imagine my surprise when I felt like I had just walked into somewhere totally familiar. I was somewhere I recognized for once. And from then on I got hooked into seeking out that feeling, and in the back of my mind I think, what if I find a way back through them? Turn a corner and suddenly I'm back to familiar architecture, sounds, and culture. Where events as I remember them did happen, instead of the different ones here. Because part of me feels like things aren't as they should be. Certain things happened when they shouldn't have, and places I know that existed were never there at all. I think even my brother feels that way, that something in our lives shifted and we got misplaced somehow.