Leave Me Alone, I'm Weird.

What Counts As Cheating? | Twenty VS Thirty | Melanie Murphy & Jessie B

sooo because tumblr is more anonymous than youtube i am saying what i have to say over here just to get it off my chest or something:

My ex boyfriend had this really intense crush on a girl only a couple of months before we got together. She turned him down, and he kind of had accepted that i guess, i mean what else could he have done, right?

So we met through this summer camp kinda thing were teens and young adults form groups to look after children in the first three weeks of our summer holidays. In our first year as a couple there he had been put into a group with said girl. He lent her his raincoat and looked after her stuff and idk tried to tickle her and whatever. And at this point i have to add, that the relationship was overall not a healthy one, which i hadn’t noticed/admitted to myself at the time, so beside the unconcious feeling somewhat objectified by only being seemingly attractive enough to be with this dude who asked me quite regularly if i was ready yet to strip naked in front of him and have sex, he had also menaged to make me jealous and not really good enough for him because he never offered me his jacket and he never tried to this and that for me. (Again now i know however i feel is my own responsibility and that communication is very very important and i’m working on becoming better at openly telling how i feel without blaming someone else. i do think that if someone knows what someone else might be triggered by, it is also in a way their responsibility to not hurt them on purpose.)

Anyhow, now this was the first time stooomeone “microcheated” on me, i feel like, because i knew how strong his feelings used to be for her and he had her back more than he had mine, or at least it appeared to me like that.

Admitedly, how i got out of that relationship wasn’t the nicest and smoothest way too. For a months i hadn’t  been happy with “us” and i didn’t feel neither a physical nor an emotional attraction strong enough to kiss him or hold his hand. But because i know myself, i know that i also tend to have a lack of interest in these things, when i’m feeling a certain way. Therefor i assumed it was just one of my “phases”, which it turned out not to be.

Parallel to me preparing the break up (we’ve been together for around 1 ½ years  then) a friend of mine introduced our friendship group to one of his childhood pals.

Him and I didn’T really talk, but ended up sharing a spotify account with our common friend. Being the online stalker i am, i scrolled through his playlists and realised that we both kind of liked twenty one pilots (he’s obsessed with them, i’m just a casual listener), so we started talknig about music and then went over to tv shows all in that group chat with the three of us in it.

I’m speeding things up so this won’t become longer than it already is.

Soo the guy and i kinda started cuddling shortly before I break up with my boyfriend at that time, not cool of me, i know.

Later on the guy and i are in a sorta dating-phase, because i didn’t want to enter a new relationship right after being in a somewhat toxic one for quite some time, which he seemed to understand first. And in my opinion everything was quite fine, he seemed to empathise with me somehow, and i knew that i wanted to be with him but just have some time of not calling someone a boyfriend.

All that was thrown away after that one night at the end of november. He was out and about with his friends, drinking and idk what, and we even talked on the phone when he got home.

- Now, it’s important to know, that for me, it was clear, that i’d never see or do things with anyone else but him, that could be a one night stand, cuddling or anything, and i was quite sure that he was in the same boat with me about that-

So on the next day he told me we had made out with some random girl. And at first i was fine, or i tried to be rational about it, after all i was the one denying to be in an official relationship although we already acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. but thinking about it made me feel sick, my chest was aching so badly, and the more i thought about it the more it hurt and i cried and cried and just couldn’t stop. He, who’d always tell me how badly he wanted to be with me, and how he can’t wait for the day, i tell him that i want us to be official, had made out with some girl on a night out. ouch. really ouch.

I really liked that dude, i still do, fuck all those guys i had crushes on before, because he.. i don’t there is this line my the british singer Maisie Peters in which she says “give me the worst of you, i’d want you anyway.”, which sums it up quite accurately. And to this day i don’t understand why. I mean objectively I do understand but when i think of him going out with his friends, i’m still scared he will do something like that again, and this time maybe more than just making out. And i want to work on that. I’m head over heels with this guy, and i know how deeply he regrets what happened then.

but I do have to say in the last couple of days, I feel like dark chocolate, like green tea in which you left the teabag for far too long, looking back at everything. Looking back at all of you. And no one seems  - no, no one understands, and you’ve never even tried. I said I felt left behind, alienated in my home of choice, and you laughed it off, never wanted to be a killjoy.