A L I E N

I don’t think I’ll ever delete this blog, purely because I want to keep it for memories sake, it holds so much of me. Sometimes my past selves bring me pain, but I like to remember things and remind myself of the person I was before I lost so much of myself to mental health, substance abuse, draining myself, and situation.  I feel strange, but I want to step out of this skin and grow again and properly (but every day is a learning process, the learning doesn’t stop). I have so much baggage and I have no desire to feel attached to parts of me or parts of life that send me spiralling into dark pits, pain too familiar, nightmare places. I hold no bad feelings towards the past, I’m trying to hold no anger to things I can’t change, everyone is on a journey, life is tangled and weird. Humans are vulnerable and that’s beautiful, I hope we all find our place. My heart is full of raw love even though it feels cold lately and I feel like I can’t ~feeeeel properly. I just want to be okay and I want people to be okay. I just want to feel again. Feel in-tune and sensitive, alive, burning, like myself. I need to be selfish and put all of my energy into myself and it’s a really difficult thing to learn to do but I’m trying my best even though I feel so guilty for it every single day. I haven’t been high for over a year, now. I don’t drink all the time anymore. I’ve made a lot of progressions but I’m stuck in some places and I will get out of them, I will. Sometimes life just feels so terrifying and raw and swallowing but the last few years have been the deepest, darkest and most teaching times of my life. I’ve learnt so much about myself and about humans.  I no longer want to feel numb, feel like I’m closing myself off behind walls, even though sometimes I can’t control them, and I can’t pin point when they built themselves. I want to be comfortable in a world that I make for myself, and I will. I don’t know what the point of all this jargon is, I just want to let it out. I used to be so honest and open and I wish I never let myself shut off out of fear. 

So thankful for this long weekend. I slept for ten hours, dreamt of rats and a platypus I found in my room. He was soft and shiny and warm with a heavy tummy and little wiggling legs. I woke up an opened the window to blue sky and Autumn air. I think I will have a slow day, rest, try to not let myself be swallowed entirely by my mind. Yesterday was a hard day. I think I’ll make a new tumblr soon.

I’m in a foul and tired mood and I feel like I’m going to crumble into pieces soon. 30 hours work in three days is too much. I have so many assessments to finish and a tiny amount of time to implement and finish them. I’m trying so hard but between working long days, losing Neptune and grieving, and my wavering mental health my ‘best’ is not so great. I feel so close to just giving in to defeat 

I have so little energy at the moment I just feel ready to curl into a ball in bed and stay there and ignore everything. Mood cycling between hypomania and very low and weird inbetweens and a lot of numbness. I’ve worked almost 20 hrs in the last two days. It’s only a four day week but we have a big day/easter concert tomorrow evening and I have SO much work/assessments to have done in the next week and I just. I’m so stressed but too tired to put the stress into action~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I want to retreat