i almost went to church this morning, but in my sleepy morning mind gave up on getting up. (i have been nonstop for too long and genuinely need the rest) last week i went to durham cathedral for the umpteenth time but this time i wasn’t just struck with the beauty of the art and glass and building. we went into a silent praying room, for it is gorgeous inside and i decided to pray. as the words in my head flowed they became more and more desperate, like i was howling, begging to be heard. and i don’t believe in much, when househunting with my best friend i wished on every single eyelash and dandelion to no avail. but this time? it felt earnest, it felt like an echo within my body, reverberating off of every bone as though i was hollow. and when we left the room i felt a deep desire to dig deeper, so i went to light a candle, write down my prayer and beg. i stared at the flame and watched it distort with welling tears, until i was just crying and asking for guidance.

the thing is, at this point in my life i need someone steady and sure and reliable and trustworthy to help me. i need someone to help me. and as i reach out my arms into all parts of my support network i see that no one is quite the right shape. i need a parent. and my family is so fucking fucked up, thats the whole problem in the first place.