creator of catastrophe

So...

Don't tell me they didn't cover that in your fancy detective school training. 

Post hardcore thug days? I’m still thug and hardcore and shit. I just also happen to care very much about having somewhere to live, so I’ve learned to not let my gangster behavior get out of hand, y’know? Once we find somewhere else to live, I’ll go back to my hardcore thug days. First of all, what the fuck makes you think I hang around horny old guys? Second of all, no guy on earth, old or not, would hit that. She’s a fucking psychopath. I sense that she has like thirty cats living inside of her apartment. Another reason why I would never send Luna over there. Cats are literally demons. Don’t worry, the neighbor’s gonna take real good care of Luna. And of course she’ll have her sweater on when she goes outside. I’ll make a list. We’ve been over this. Do you know how long it takes to organize clothes and put them up? I don’t have time for that. I’m a busy, hardworking man. You realize that I’ve never weighed more than 150, right? I don’t think you gotta worry about me magically gaining 450 pounds overnight. I can so fool you. I can use the word innocent if I really am innocent and don’t know what you’re talking about. This face? It reeks of innocence. Whatever, babe. Get me what you want for Valentine’s Day. It’s not even like a real holiday, so it’s not that big of a deal.

Who are you trying to fool right now? Because this is me you’re talking to. As far as I can tell, you’re not nearly as thug and hardcore as you used to be. And that’s a good thing because we’re maturing, remember? Hey, after I met Skinny and Rabbit I stopped questioning the people you hang around with. So for all I know, you could be spending all your free time hanging out with horny old guys. Lord knows you’re probably going to turn into one yourself one day. So it’s not a total stretch. And I’m sure there’s some guy out there who digs cat hoarding psychopaths. Everybody’s got their kicks after all. Demons or not, I’m sure Luna would be able to take them. She’s a bad ass in case you forgot. Even in knit sweaters and tutus. Austin. I can barely trust you enough to make a grocery list. So that thought isn’t exactly reassuring. Maybe you should just leave that job to me. Well, you could have weighed more than that before I met you. Your outfit choices on occasion would certainly give most people that impression. Just let me cook for you anyway. I need the practice. Our future children can’t live off boxed macaroni and cheese and PB&J. And there’s gonna come a time when I need to cook thanksgiving dinner or like serve a bunch of house guests. It may not seem important right now but one day it will be. Besides, cooking is a practical skill to have. You should be happy I even want to try. I’ll even promise to make some unhealthy stuff sometimes too. I let you think you can fool me. There’s a difference. If it’s not that big of a deal then why are you even bothering to get me anything, huh?

Of course the nice neighbor. That other lady hates me. Like, even before you were around all the time. When I first moved in she came over and gave me a shit ton of rules about how I should be quiet and respectful. Guess we’re not good at either of those, huh? A dog sitter? Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I just don’t trust people in our apartment. Besides, I’d wanna do like a pretty hardcore background check on the person watching Luna, make sure they’re not serial puppy killers, and I don’t have time to do that. Yeah, the one that makes your boobs look really big. That one. I coudn’t find my hoodie so I started going through your closet and just kind of maybe dumped everything on the floor and forgot to put it back. Wait, please don’t tell me you’re gonna start cooking gross, healthy food all the time. Babe. You can’t do this to me. I need my pizza and chips. Huh, what do you mean you’re on to me? I have no idea what you’re talking about. At all. I’m an innocent man. That’s because whiskey is the best type of alcohol. And hey, I wouldn’t judge if I got beer for Valentine’s Day, no matter how “tacky” you might say it is. It’s beer. Beer plus nudity equals best Valentine’s Day ever.

Really? Wow. You moved in there in like... your post-hardcore thug days too. Can you even imagine how much crazier she'd be if she lived next to the you that lived in that hotel for a while? We certainly haven't been either of those things lately but clearly she's the only one who seems to mind. So I don't see any reason for us to stop on her account. Maybe she just needs to get laid herself, honestly. Know any horny old guys who would want to put up with all of that? Okay fine, you're right. I guess I wouldn't want anyone I didn't know in our place either. Especially with our baby. Just make sure the neighbor lady gives her lots of attention and puts on her puppy sweater before she takes her outside. I don't want Luna to freeze. Mhm right. You forgot to put it back. I'm sure. And why would your hoody be in my closet anyway? There's a reason we have separate ones, you know. And when I wear your clothes, I put them back where they belong. Something you apparently still need to work on. Not all the time. But sometimes. It won't kill you. You know what will kill you though? Eating pizza and chips all the time. I'm trying to keep you from stroking out on me or turning into the 600 lb man once your metabolism slows down. I promise you'll thank me later. It means you can't fool me. I'm literally un-foolable by you. And please, if there's one word that should never be used to describe you, it would be innocent. Hands down. Add chicken wings in there and you're practically a recipe for the perfect Budweiser commercial. But I'm not getting you beer. You might not have a problem with that, but my girlfriend womanhood has a problem with it. So I'll think of something else, don't worry. 

Yeah, about Luna, I was thinking of maybe leaving her with the neighbors for a few days. When I went home to get some more clothes, there was dog food everywhere. And she also peed on that one dress that you look really hot in. The black one that I always tell you to wear. And I tried to get her in trouble, but she did the thing and started whining so I couldn’t. But if you really wanna see her, I can sneak her in or something for a few hours. Your nurses all dig me anyway. They can’t say no to this face. Alright, I’m sorry, but I don’t trust green food. I just don’t. Nothing can be that color and still taste good. I don’t even like green enchiladas, and you know I could pretty much eat enchiladas until the end of time. But I’m willing to sacrifice myself to get you that healthy crap. Meanwhile, I’ll sit back and enjoy some hot Cheetos and Gatorade because one can never go wrong with hot Cheetos and Gatorade. Well, don’t worry. Cause once I marry you, that’s it. It’s the last time I’m doing it. You’re it for me. Well, for Valentine’s Day, I expect nudity. Lots and lots of nudity. Like all day.

The nice neighbor though, right? Not the one that gives us dirty looks every time she sees us together because she's had the unfortunate luck of having to hear us have sex all the time? Cause I would totally like to come home to an alive dog. And the crazy lady would probably kill her just to shut us up for a while. Or better yet, what if you just like hired a dog sitter? To come watch her at our place all day? That way Luna doesn't think we like… abandoned her or anything. I don't want a dog with abandonment issues either. So at least our place would be familiar. Did she seriously pee on that dress? The one that shows a lot of cleavage? How the hell did it even get on the floor for her to pee on? Work your magic see what you could do then. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has that problem. Just wait. Once I master the cooking thing, I'm going to have you eating a whole bunch of stuff you probably would never even take a second look at. But the best part is, you won't even know it. Because the food will be that good and I'll be that good at  hiding it. Perfect. That's exactly what I wanted to hear. You even used my line and all. I'm flattered. Not fair. You expect nudity from me all day, every day anyway. You just asked for it on Valentine's Day because now I'm going to be obligated to give it to you. I'm totally on to you, for the record. And by alcohol you mean whiskey because that's all you ever drink. Except for beer but I'm not getting you beer for Valentine's Day because that's tacky. 

Dallas can run the lab by himself for a few days. It’s not a big deal, babe. Besides, I deserve the time off. Rich knew I was against you going out and dealing, and he let you do it anyway. He owes me. So don’t worry, he’s not gonna fire me. And you might get sick of me being around all the time, but I don’t think I’d get sick of you. Ever. I know this is kind of weird, especially coming from me of all people, but you should probably eat actual food. With vitamins and nutrients and shit. I can even go pick you up some of that healthy crap you like so much, if ya want. And yeah, I said it. I did, I meant it, but I’m kind of happy she didn’t tell you. Because when I said it, I was tweakin’ pretty bad, and the last time I told a girl I loved her when I was that high, I ended up marrying her and pretty much fucking up our entire relationship. Telling you I loved you while I was sober was scary as hell, but definitely worth it. Me? Overdoing it? Nah.

I guess he does kind of owe you. So you can stay. But you've gotta make sure you're home enough with Luna too. She's been okay without me, right? You know, you should try to see if you can convince the hospital staff that she's like one of those seeing eye dogs or whatever so they let her in. I miss waking up to her cute little face every day. Don't worry, if I haven't gotten sick of you yet, I think you're in the clear. Maybe. Fifty years from now, I might want to rip all my gray hair out of my head because I'm so sick of being around you but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. If you're sure you won't burst into flames or keel over in sheer agony once you step foot through the doors then fine. I'll ditch the ice cream and you can go pick me up some healthy stuff to eat. Which is not crap, by the way. It's good. You would know that if you stopped being a pickier eater than Hannah for like five seconds and actually tried some of it. Well I'm glad things worked out the way they did then. Because it wouldn't have meant as much… hearing it from anyone other than you. And we're going to break you of that getting married and fucking things up streak too. It was allowed to happen once but no more. Not with me. Good. That's what I like to hear. So I know guys are normally the clueless ones and never know what girls want and shit but like… really. I don't know what to get you. You have everything you could want. And if you don't have something you sure as hell have enough money to get it yourself. So help a girl out here.