Pink Eye Media

After spending a couple of months “in hiding” in her apartment, Hola Trol Bynes has come to the attention of police again after being accused of shoplifting a Versace garment from its flagship store. Bynes allegedly entered the store on Wednesday wearing sunglasses, claiming to employees that she wanted to maintain a low profile due to her celebrity status. She then took a number of garments into the fitting room and emerged 45 minutes later. According to the store’s employees, Bynes set off the detector upon leaving and was asked to open her bag, at which point she ran away.

Later that same day, Bynes was spotted on the corner of Howe Street and K Road in a Versace sweater, white platform shoes and a blonde wig. A sex worker on K Road who wishes to remain anonymous says, “she was definitely trying to solicit as she approached cars that stopped nearby. She got in a car at one point and returned 20 minutes later.” Residents of Highgate Towers on Howe Street refer to her as “Blondie #2”, claiming that her hairstyle is similar to that of the long-time sex worker.

Bynes has openly expressed her disappointment in Lindsay Lohan’s recent endeavours to rehabilitate her career. Lohan has collaborated with Cocowhite UK to promote coconut oil pulling to whiten teeth. Bynes attacks Lohan for being inauthentic due to her having porcelain veneers which cannot be whitened using the product, and also for the quality of the garments produced from Lohan’s collaboration with Civil Regime.

The notorious Hella Troll Bynes is back on social media now that she has completed probation, although has changed her alias to “Hola Trol Bynes”. Tweets regarding the name change indicate that it has sprung from Bynes’ appreciation of minimalism and the beauty of Spanish men.

Earlier this week, Castleford Media headquarters was set aflame, leaving four employees with severe burns, including Managing Editor Amanda Gross. Bynes has been accused of entering the building incognito and igniting a homemade bomb before fleeing the scene. An employee who wishes to remain anonymous claims that Bynes was twerking outside Burger King on Queen Street with some hip hop dancers in the same wig and backpack that she wore in the building.

NZ Police have described Bynes’ Twitter account as “ridiculous and strange” after reading all 589 tweets before the account was suspended. An anonymous source has contacted the police claiming that Bynes is planning a social media comeback soon, although there is no substantial evidence to support this claim. Bynes has been banned from using social media until the Supreme Court reaches a final verdict later this month.

Amongst the blatant insults, mundane updates, drug references and tweets idolising Emma Bunton, police have discovered that Bynes has, or had, an unhealthy obsession with actor Brandon Quinn, frequently referring to him as “daddy” and writing tweets such as “I want 2 masturbate in your bath water” and “please sit on my face daddy thatd b so umami @brandonquinn”. Bynes expressed her frustration with having her tweets ignored by writing ‘tfw the only man ur interested in ignores u. u can stick w ur ogre-faced lanky assless wife then’.

Critics have described the ‘Hella Troll Bynes’ Twitter account as the epitome of post-modernism and a disjointed narrative of a troubled individual. Bynes’ Japanese-themed tweets employ the adjectives ‘umami’ (which means ‘savoury flavour’) and ‘oishii’ (delicious). Tweets such as “Im so Japanese my pussy is oishii desu” and “Hi im so vegan my piss n shit is umami” preceded positive messages to her followers about veganism and having empathy for all animals.

Police have identified the owner of Twitter account @HellaTrollBynes after a series of incidents that took place at Castleford Media headquarters on Victoria Street West earlier this week.

Surveillance footage from inside the building’s elevator reveal that Bynes was smoking from a bulb-shaped glass pipe, twerking on people and spitting on the elevator buttons for more than five minutes before being reported to security by employees.

Upon reaching Castleford Media headquarters on the 19th floor, Bynes allegedly stormed into the work space of its employees, calling employees ‘ugly’, ‘untalented’ and ‘uncreative pieces of shit’. Employees claim that Bynes was livid and attempted to strangle Managing Editor Amanda Gross before being escorted out by security.

Bynes was spotted later that day inside Auckland Art Gallery taking selfies, applying copious amounts of lip gloss in front of a mirror and posting an influx of tweets regarding the incident claiming, “I only smoke weed n tobacco! I hav never smoked meth in my life! The media is lying 2 u!” and “fuk u Gross Amanda ur a meth head. ur forehead wrinkles are as deep as the southern alps lmao”. Security was later called to the disabled toilets on the fifth floor after several complaints from patrons about a strong smell of marijuana. Bynes was found to be under the influence of marijuana and had littered the cubicle with food wrappers and cigarette papers.

Our team has gotten in touch with Bynes’ counsellor who states that Bynes’ behaviour is the result of being frustrated with the “uncreative and inauthentic work produced by the Media and Arts industry” and having her “innovative aesthetic and flair for writing undervalued and unappreciated by potential employers”. Bynes later confirmed this via twitter where she posted: “sick of these bland n straight-lace ppl. U just regurgitate text n structure and don’t offer anything original or interesting” and “how dare u turn me down, im gna work 4 ur competitor and crush ur company gross Amanda”

Gross stated that she has reported Bynes’ twitter account “Hella Troll Bynes” for harassment after receiving death threats and defamatory statements directed at her company. “I just hope Twitter shuts down her account as soon as possible, so we can all move on and focus on more positive things. It’s concerning how angry she has become over an objective screening process that all candidates must undergo”. When asked about the interview she had with Bynes earlier this year, she states that Bynes was “a pleasant candidate, although did not possess any industry experience and therefore did not make the shortlist”.