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Love Begins
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Xuebing Du
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cherry valley forever
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The Stonewall Inn

trying on a metaphor

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ojovivo
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
One Nice Bug Per Day
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@pineapple--sanji
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A sketch no more
Zoro hadn’t been avoiding Sanji, per se, but he’d tried to keep a diplomatic amount of space between them while maintaining some sort of normal interaction. He didn’t feel weird about what had happened between them, rather he was worried that Sanji might feel weird about it all. Judging by Sanji’s reaction, he was correct in his assessment and so he kept a distance until or unless he could know all was well.
He didn’t want to assume that they’d unlocked some new way of being together, that all of a sudden everything was going to be different. Not when the morning after, he’d woken up alone and the cook had acted like nothing had happened whatsoever in an almost embarrassing denial of what everyone had witnessed between them. He waited for a sign from Sanji during the breakfast immediately after all that, a sign denied him then and during lunch, dinner, snack, the subsequent day after and the day after that. Approaching the fourth day after the events of that island, the island itself long gone behind them, Zoro was still playing a game of waiting, waiting for Sanji to say something, waiting for Sanji to make a move, waiting for some sort of clarification. He could suspect what that clarification would be, nothing good, he just wanted more. More, he was reasonably certain, he would not have and thus had to relinquish regardless of the fleeting moment he’d let himself slip and take. Want wasn’t enough to change the path that one was destined to walk, it was just another obstacle to be trained out of the undisciplined heart. Especially when it was a want unrequited.
Even with his mind focused on overcoming such frivolous attempts at connection, waiting was a kind of pain he couldn’t out-train, he couldn’t shake off, he couldn’t drink away. There were only snide comments like the cook always made toward Zoro, but they were toothless and he never followed with brawling like they used to. It seemed like everyone was content to assume the lack of petty bickering between them meant they’d unlocked some fantastic new level in their relationship, but Zoro knew what it was when the rage would flicker on Sanji’s face and he’d restrain himself, disgust flashing briefly before he’d fake a laugh and wave Zoro away as though he cared too much to fight. And then Zoro would slink to the bird’s nest with whatever energy lingered inside of him where he’d physically push himself into collapsing so he didn’t break down in front of anyone but himself. It was hell the way an accidental brush of limbs between himself and Sanji would set Zoro’s body ablaze, warmth spreading from the point of contact and traitorously flipping his stomach. Passion and desire burning through him like his heart and belly were full of fireworks and butterflies only to have it all dissipate and settle like a thousand ton weight in his chest. The first time it happened during a meal, he’d coughed and excused himself. He let them think he was drunk, earning an earful from Nami on behalf of Sanji, having the cook cut his ration of booze at precisely the time when he needed them most. The second time it happened, he controlled himself better, only moderating his breath and carrying on like nothing even if he hurriedly ate his food and slipped away at the first opportunity. The third time, the ache never left, both a blessing that he would no longer be shocked with its sudden presence, and a curse in that it choked him constantly even under the most mundane of circumstances.
Today, though, he lingered at the door to the galley, torn between his desire for booze and his need to avoid the cook until the cook would stop avoiding him. The booze was the only thing that tempered the crippling ache in his heart, somehow and for some reason making it manageable. He took a breath, slow and steadying, mentally preparing himself for what awkwardness would inevitably follow. It sounded, though, that Sanji wasn’t alone, he was talking to Usopp and, for a brief and stupid moment, Zoro was jealous of the sniper being able to freely chat with Sanji like he was. And then Zoro was possessed with curiosity as his sense returned to him not to reside in jealousy that he himself had caused by being difficult toward Sanji for so long and by avoiding the cook as much as the cook was avoiding him. Or so he took responsibility for their relationship, or so he told himself.
“So…” Usopp prodded. “You and Zoro had a lot of fun the other night.”
“Ugh,” Sanji groaned. “Don’t remind me.”
“I mean you seemed like you were having a good time,” Usopp replied.
“Yeah well I was totally wasted.”
“But you remember?”
“It was a weird herb or something. Chopper explained it but I was hungover.”
“Right.”
“Ask him!”
“But you were… very interested in Zoro…”
Zoro could hear Sanji make a choked noise of frustration maybe disapproval. Either way, it clearly put sound to the unwanted nature of the experience between them. The same experience Zoro had found rather delightful despite its initial strangeness.
“I couldn’t control myself, I just really wanted to be around him,” Sanji said dismissively.
“But…?”
“But I woke up and everything I did came back to me. It was so damn embarrassing! Once I sobered up I thought I was going to be sick. I still can’t believe there would be any part of me who wanted to be around that green idiot like I was.”
“No part of you at all, huh?” Usopp didn’t sound like he believed Sanji and that was fair because Zoro had his doubts as well. Rather, it had been so good, Zoro clung to the anachronism like a buoy, refusing to let his feelings sink into the depths that he’d pulled them from.
“I wouldn’t even know where to look in myself if I believed it existed.”
There was a pregnant silence between them, one that made Zoro want to retreat without the booze. A silence that reminded him how stupid his lurking was. A silence that felt like a weapon aimed at Zoro even though neither knew he was there.
“I feel bad,” Sanji broke the quiet between them. “I think… I led Zoro on. I didn’t mean to… I wasn’t… in control of myself.”
In a way, it was relief to hear Sanji’s true thoughts, truth that meant Zoro could lay it all to rest. And yet, in another more consuming way, hearing Sanji’s words ripped through Zoro’s body like daggers, leaving him raw and exhausted. Zoro knew, intellectually, that Sanji hadn’t meant anything from his actions. Even in the midst of it, Zoro knew that pursuing more would hurt him deeply and endlessly because it was rooted in something fake, uncontrollable. Sanji hadn’t led Zoro on, Zoro had just been too desperate to stop him. As much as it might feel good to blame the cook, this was Zoro’s fault. That Sanji would beat himself up over something Zoro had let him do… they could have fixed it. But why would they? Why would the cook want to talk to him after everything?
Usopp snorted a laugh..
“Zoro? Our Zoro? Lead him on? Don’t you think he’s just as weirded out by the whole thing as you are?”
Zoro didn’t have to see Sanji’s face to hear the gears of his mind turning, to know he hadn’t thought that perhaps Zoro would share his sentiments. It wrecked Zoro all over again to know that Sanji knew him better than he’d thought to correctly assume that everything had meant something to Zoro. How could Usopp know? How could he understand? And still, the indescribable pain Zoro now felt from knowing this intimacy was nothing but a mistake between them threatened his sanity. Zoro would let them believe he was just another guy like they were, his secret want would die with him, he would quietly hold it in his heart as little more than an odd recounting of their time on the Grand Line.
“I can’t believe you never thought of that,” Usopp laughed, incredulous at the cook’s arrogance.
It was arrogant to think Sanji was so special that Zoro would fall for him after a night of debauchery, but it was true, even if Zoro would take that truth to the grave.
“Isn’t he… you know…”
“No,” Usopp replied. “At least I don’t think so. What gave you that idea?”
“I don’t know. I guess after the other day I just thought… well shit.”
“He was messed up too, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So…?”
“So I’ve been worrying over nothing.”
“Seems like.”
Zoro never got his booze. He slunk off, praying to the gods he didn’t believe in that his face showed none of the feeling his heart was presently trying to break from his chest with. If there was a god, surely it or they would grant him this one tiny kindness. But he couldn’t imagine such divinity punishing anyone like the world seemed hellbent on punishing Zoro whenever it came to love.
——————
“Hey,” Sanji said, peeking his head into the bird’s nest.
Zoro regretted the flip his heart did not only because it felt like a betrayal but because it left such devastating ache behind it.
“Sup,” he replied, with practiced impassivity, a lie that made him feel a bit guilty for judging Usopp so harshly all this time.
“Uh… well… I brought food,” Sanji offered. Onigiri, Zoro’s favorite. A pathetic peace offering only because it hurt more than Sanji would ever know to receive something he was supposed to feel nothing about.
“Thanks,” he replied in as genuine a tone as he could muster.
There was, then, an awkward nothingness as Sanji stayed waiting for Zoro to say something and Zoro sat waiting for Sanji to leave or say his piece. He already knew what was coming but to rush it along or procrastinate made no difference for the inevitable pain promised at the end of the conversation.
“So about the other night…” Sanji started. He let his words trail off as he scratched his head nervously, tussling his hair in a regrettably attractive manner.
“Oh that?” Zoro lied again, pretending it was nothing but another silly excursion that meant nothing. “I was so wasted… I… I’m sorry.”
A lie. He hadn’t been sorry until he realized it was unwanted. Sanji let out a relieved exhale, like he’d been carrying a heavy burden Zoro had lifted from his chest.
“Oh fuck, me too,” he replied. The cook sat down and smiled widely. It was bittersweet to see him so happy and relieved while all the anxiety and grief seemed to place itself on Zoro’s shoulders instead.
“I was so nervous,” Sanji continued, lighting a cigarette like he’d done after they’d fooled around, a mechanism of relief that seemed oddly familiar while being devastatingly contrary to where they now stood. “So nervous that I’d led you on or given you the wrong message…”
Zoro couldn’t handle it if he said more so he plastered his best smile on his face pretending at relief, mirroring the cook’s emotions. “I’m so glad you said it.” Ache. “I thought you liked women and didn’t know how to…”
“No I get it,” Sanji laughed. “I do. I don’t even know what came over me.”
“Just that awful shit, right? Because same.”
“I’m so glad you feel the same.”
“Me too.”
Zoro could feel the lack of tension from Sanji, and he wanted desperately to end this conversation before the tension he felt inside him made itself known. Please leave, please leave, please leave, please leave… Zoro would do something like lift weights to make it seem like he’d been interrupted, but his body felt like his bones had turned to tears and moving would have him writhe on the ground in nauseous pain.
“Ah well, I should let you do your thing,” Sanji tussled his hair and stamped out his cigarette.
“It’s fine,” Zoro replied. It was fine, he wasn’t doing anything, but mostly he didn’t know what to say, what would he normally say? An insult? Something quippy, to the point! Everything hurt too much to think of a proper response, forged in the habit of their old relationship.
Sanji smiled, an easy, happy smile that Zoro filed away under things he’d never have, “don’t forget to eat, Mosshead.”
And then he was gone. Gone again. Everything was like it had never happened and Zoro had to bury the almosts and maybes under the mountain of “never agains” that he’d collected at far too young an age.
Once he was sure of his solitude, he let out a heavy sigh, laced with the stilted breath of pain that refused to leave his chest these days, the yearning that had taken up residence where hope had been a brief but wanted companion.
“Zoro,” a voice interrupted his emptiness. It was Robin. As much as he tried not to be startled, he was very much aware she’d caught him unaware and he jerked in surprise toward her voice. She didn’t chuckle or smile, she simply sat, opposite where Sanji had sat before like she was leaving the space open on purpose. Knowing her, perhaps she’d seen it all and had chosen as much intentionally.
“Didn’t hear you,” he offered, a pathetic response he both didn’t need to make and could not divert her pointed attention with.
“Are you alright?”
He winced to himself, away from her face. No, he wasn’t alright. He was the same but cracked open in a way that sucked. He didn’t know when he could confidently plaster over the wound that ached in him these days.
“‘M fine. Why?”
“The other night…”
“Don’t,” he whispered. “Please.”
She stopped and nodded, solemn, understanding. “I’m here.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Of course.”
And then she was gone. He could have talked to her, he could have said something, been honest. But that would mean chasing after a reality he would never have, opening himself up for what? Falling for someone he knew would never see him that way was like throwing yourself into a battle you couldn’t win. The injuries he now felt were from his own actions, the stupidity and hubris of believing that someone like Sanji could ever fall for someone like Zoro except when they were completely under the influence.
He had no choice but to figure out how to end the ache, an ache for a love that was never his even under the most unbelievable circumstances that seemed to imply otherwise.
He wished that Sanji had left booze when he’d dropped off the food that Zoro hardly had a stomach to even look at. And then he silently thanked Robin for being the person she was, having left him a bottle in her wake.
It was hardly a reprieve, but it dampened the sharp edges of his grief, it was the only thing that could.
inspo
-
i.
Cocoyasi is humid and almost unbearable.
Zoro sits in the mouth of an alley, lit by dim lanterns that cast shadow over his features. The ale is nice, but he has to drink it as fast as possible if he wants to enjoy it while it's still chilled. And normally, Zoro doesn't mind chugging ale like water. Sometimes, though, he likes to enjoy the booze. Nurse it a little, even.
The tankard makes a noise as it's bumped into, fighting for its life to remain upright. Some ale sloshes over the brim a bit, reminding Zoro it's been a while since he's taken a generous chug.
"Quit it," he grumbles, snatching the tankard to both save the contents from spilling on the dirt ground and to drink it all. It's annoyingly room temperature and he has no one to blame but himself.
Narrow golden eyes look up at him and Zoro fights the fondness that rises up in his chest like a tidal wave.
"Don't look at me like that," he mumbles, but he reaches over so that his companion can bump her scaly forehead to his knuckles. Zoro grins despite himself, touching the snow-white scales with reverence, curling one of her tendrils around his forefinger. "You menace."
The first time Wado Ichimonji turned into a small white dragon, Zoro'd still been a bounty hunter causing chaos all around his part of the East. He'd been in a dingy inn and he'd toppled over the chair he'd been sitting on and slapped a hand to his mouth to keep the yell at bay.
Wado hasn't grown since that time, still small and wiry.
Now, Zoro loves her in ways he fears he'll never be able to properly explain. He grins again when she climbs up his arm to curve her lithe body around his shoulders. Her favorite perch.
"Fine," he sighs, feigning his exasperation. "If you must."
Wado huffs air through her nostrils, warm against the sensitive skin of Zoro's neck.
"Hey, Mosshead--" Sanji pauses where he's come to stand on the opposite side of the alley's mouth from where Zoro's sitting. His eyes are glued on Wado, mouth open, one hand in the pocket of his trousers and the other clutching the handles of two tankards. "Oh... I...."
Zoro stares at him, unimpressed.
"You have a..."
Wado huffs again, lifting her head to look at the cook with narrow golden eyes. Zoro reaches a hand up to rub his finger against her snout to pacify her.
"You never seen a dragon?" Zoro asks, an eyebrow raised.
Jealousss

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zs in their 30s
Some lover boys today ❤️
Guess who finished their junior year of college and is up to trouble 😏
☕ 📸 🐦

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Baby boy, baby
Can't start a fire without a spark.
Are they about to fight or kiss? (Both. And the fighting is foreplay)
40’s zosan angst🫶
SANJI and NAMI in ONE PIECE SEASON 2

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i couldnt decide
og post
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