Picture Thoughts

It's been roughly two weeks since I finished the book. As it always happens when I finish some story I love the hangover is real, so I've been back and forth between fanfiction and fourth wing and Instagram reels before actually going for a second read of Iron Flame. I've been trying to avoid theories in general cause as much as I want to know what people think, I'm also scared to know what those theories actually are. But I guess after stumbling upon contrasting opinions about the actual book (and not where the story might go from here) I am really curious to know the fandoms general opinion about the story. The expectations vs reality kind of thing. Because I'm thorn. I've been thorn and I can't make up my mind. A friend of mine asked me before finishing her read if I was disappointed, and I said no, not really. And now I don't know anymore if that's true.

I started Iron Flame as, I'm guessing, the majority if not all of the readers who love this world and this characters from the beginning, with my expectations on the roof and that nervous, anxious feeling in my stomach. Part one was fourth wing all over again. The built tentions were good, great even, I was at the edge of the seat so to speak, there was a good pacing, kinda similar to FW in my opinion. But the Violet butting heads with Xaden over and over and over again over the same issue was beginning to be a bit much. Kinda disappointing even. Because I was expecting mature Violet, as she was before, and open Xaden as he promised, so I was a bit confused about the sudden change in direction. Yes she felt betrayed and hurt, but she understood his choices and the why... I wasn't expecting her to fall right back but I expected her to reason and figure out in her head the best plan to go forward, and I feel like she got stuck. And we can say Liam's death affected her more deeply maybe but the thing is she never dives into those feelings does she? She never truly speaks of it. She saw one of her closest friends die in her arms and she does not talk about it. I expected a conversation or more, an emotional growth specially with Xaden. The same thing could be said about finding her freaking brother alive. I don't think they really truly had the conversations needed to evolve from that kind of information, I don't think she processed it in her core. And that was so confusing to me.

And then we end part 1. Violet hallucinates about Liam, that she doesn't mention to anyone, which, again, I expected her to confront that situation at some point with someone, to mention it to Xaden at least. She also gets separated for god's know how many days from Tairn, he didn't have access to her mind and seeing how absolutely out of his mind he was when she was dying at the end of FW, I expected him to be breaking the fucking school in search for her, and when Xaden finally came to rescue her, the dragons were relieved of course but I didn't get that same emotion, that powerful feeling that Tairn evoques when speaking of their bond. I thought we were going to have kinda of a reunion, an explanation, a confrontation, a virtual hug and cry and she's fine and she's right there with them again, in beginning of part two. So I was expecting and waiting, and one more page, one more subject, one more step moving on from that, and no one talks about it. It's kind of mind blowing really, when she experienced not one but two traumatic experiences and it's swept under the rug just like that. And I. Don't. Get. It. It doesn't make sense to me and it frustrates me and please someone explain it to me.

I won't get into details of part two cause the pacing was a lot more slow-ish, I still felt there was not enough real bonding between the dragons and Violet, her relationship with Xaden felt stagnant and that final battle was underwhelming, tbh. Less confusing to follow than in FW, so kudos to the author, but still really underwhelming. Superficial and yeah, I guess disappointing.

So I guess after all that I do feel disappointed in the work but mostly because I don't think it did the characters and that amazing world justice. I'm one of those readers who gets really immersed into the story, the characters become my people, and I feel like they didn't have enough of anything to be more than they were last book. And that's really really sad. And it pisses me off, but mostly sad, and frustrating.

I'm gonna hurt them. I'm gonna hurt them. And it kills me. It kills me even more that i didn't do anything to prevent it.

I... I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do... I don't.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it, how to stop being in the same position over and over and not learning the lesson, not doing what I must, what I should have done from the beginning.

I don't know how to stop lieing to everyone, to me. I don't know how to get out of this mess of my own creation.

How to stop disappointing people.

I'm not a good person. They think i am, but I'm not. I'm not. If they knew what I've done, what I've been doing, what about to do... I'm not a good person. I don't deserve the family i have or the friends or the opportunities brought to me.

And i just make excuses. I make excuses for the inexcusable, the injustifiable, and i prolong this lie that never ends. Until it does. Until it has to. Because I didn't fix it when I should have. I didn't fix it because I thought I could escape it. I thought there was another way, the universe was going to show me another way. But even if it did, even if it did, i didn't take it. There is no courage in me. There is no ambition, no willpower, no reliability, nothing. I'm nothing.

I'm nothing.

And they think I'm something. And i can't fix it. I can't.

I don't know what to do. It was going to end like this. I was going to end like this. I don't know what's wrong with me to be this way. Why am I like this. What pushes me to be this lie. I'm just tired of me.

I'm tired of my brain and my choices and the way that I am.

I'm drowning. And there will be no one to pull me up . I'm not a good person so why should there be.

I don't know what I'm going to say, how to escape this and try to fix it one last time.

How did this became my life? How did this became me? This inertia, this accommodated person that I am when there's nothing to accommodate to. I'm nothing. I have nothing. And i don't know how to get out.

How to stop this manipulation and these lies.

I need to sleep.

Please stop brain. Just stop. It doesn't matter what you think, you should be used to it by now. He does what he does. He doesn't talk like you don't talk. But you think, and think, and overthink, until there's no answers, no justifications possible to justify what should be obvious. Just more questions.

He should have talked. He should have asked. He should have needed. He should know he could and i would do anything to help him. But he didn't.

He didn't care.

He didn't care about the repercussions of his actions. What it would mean to the receiver.

And it doesn't matter if he didn't care about the wedding, as a celebration. It doesn't matter if he didn't want the big party, he agreed to it. He never expressed no emotion about it except contempt and a kind of indifference. And i wouldn't be surprised if that was true. Because the him that I know wouldn't think it necessary or important. Family is what matters, what he knows and she knows and the baby knows to be true. Nothing else matters.

At least that was what i thought.

But i can't say what he thinks anymore. I can't say I know him. My own brother. The only other person on this planet who should know how it was, how it is, to be a child of this divorce.

I don't know you.

This cold, insensible person.

I understand. I do. I understand the pressure you're on. I understand the company is your pride, your joy and your worries. I understand you want to make it work no matters what costs you. I understand you live for it. I understand you live for your daughter. I understand, and i can't blame you. Of course I can't! It's your life, they're your life!

But i was a part of it once. Our mother was a part of it once, an important part.

So no. I don't understand how you could had that sheet in front of you and choose what you did.

I can't understand why you sent the invitations one month before the date.

I can't understand why you didn't invite our nanny. The person who fed you and walked you to school, who endured rain and cold and hot summer weather by your side, hundreds of times. Year upon year.

I can't understand why you didn't invite our oldest friend, our parents friend, who taught you how to shoot, who showed us a million adventures, who taught us valuable lessions.

I can't understand why you asked for their contact number and never called.

But most of all, i can't understand why you chose to place your own mother on the farthest row from you. I can't.

I can't.

Why?

Why, goddamn it!!

What was your thought process?? Help me understand!

You placed our mother, our grandmother, people who made you, people who've known you all your life, pleople who gave you life (!!!) on the farthest row from you! Her son! Who's getting married! Who will just have gotten married! Farther then people i don't even know or ever heard about!

Please! Explain it to me!!

They're not these monsters you make of them! They are not, and i don't understand why you feel the need to show that's what you think. If it is what you think, have the balls to say it once and for all. Your family is not only there when you have a use to them. That's what you're doing. To them, to her, to us. To me.

When will it be enough? When will you have punished her enough? Hmm? When?

Is it not enough rarely seeing you? Is it not enough not answering her calls half the time? Is it not enough barely including her in her granddaughter's life? Is it not enough?! When will it be enough?!

I hate you right now. I really do.

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired of what you cause and then leave me alone to deal with, to try to minimize the negative impact it has. You hurt the closest to you. You hurt me and I'm not on direct strike.

And the worst of it all is that i can't be remotely sure you're doing it consciously. Like you're aware the pain you're causing. I really hope you're not. I really do.

III

I still think of you. Not as much as before, but I still do. In random moments of the day, seemingly as I’m thinking of nothing in concrete, you just pop into my mind, like a reminder, a flag in a sea of people screaming ‘I’m here! Follow me!’. And I have to stop myself from entering a spiral of thoughts that will only bring me more harm. 

I didn’t do it properly. I know that. It’s embarrassing and shameful of me to have simply stopped typing, stopped reaching out. But I always felt you kinda did it first, with your apparently meaningless texts, ‘just popping up to say hi’ kinda thing, and just stop responding when I engaged in the conversation. How pathetic is that? It made me feel like a puppy hanging on to every text, every moment you deigned me worthy of your time. And I’m not even sure you did it on purpose - hell, I’m almost positive you didn’t - and that is equally as painful, if not more. Cause it means you don’t know me at all. Or that my walls are as unbreachable as I make them be. 

And I don’t even know why I do that. I mean I do, but I know I shouldn’t and I thought I was making an effort to push them down a little? To let you get a glimpse of what’s inside. But I guess it wasn’t enough? Did I self sabotage this? Do I make myself so closed off that you lost interest so far away? It’s very possible really. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least. The alternative, or half-the-alternative ( cause I still think this was a major reason), is I was never that special, or different, to you. And that is what breaks me more. Not only cause I thought I knew how to read people a little, that I was so completely wrong, but also because I so desperately, selfishly, needed to feel that, that I mattered more to someone, more than the usual, almost, mandatory way we matter to friends and family. Cause we chose each other. At this moment in time, we chose each other, and I thought that mattered in a different way, a more meaningful way. It talked directly to the always insecure little me that screams ‘you are invisible, unapproachable and unlikeable’. 

Gosh. I’m so pathetic. 

So I guess I’m still hurt, and a little angry, that you intentionally or not, ended up proving me right. And I can’t even fault you for that, cause the main fault is always mine. For not opening up to you, for not expressing what I felt? For not approaching this in a mature, responsible way, even if you didn’t either, I still think, cause for all the times that I didn’t say anything, you didn’t either. And I guess we’ll never find out, will we, why we didn’t say what we needed when we needed. Hell, I never even knew what you needed, now that I really think of it.

What a mess. And you know what’s the worst part? I don’t even know if I’m just being this dramatic, immature girl, who doesn’t even know her own feelings, and is trying to find meaning in something that perhaps never had any meaning at all. Now, how’s that for ridiculous. 

I sincerely hope you’re alright and happy, and not dwelling in unanswerable thoughts like I am, from time to time. I don’t know if I’m dreading to see a pop-up message with your name on it, or secretly wanting to see it... Damn, I don’t understand me, so how can I possibly ask you to? I can’t. I can’t. 

II

We're fading into nothing.

I feel like that hurts more than if you'd just come up and say you want to move on with your life. Doesn't really matter the reason; you have pretty valid ones. And I understand. I do. But can't you see this hurts? Are you hurting as I am? You don't seem to. And I can't make myself vulnerable again. I'm always doing that with you, and I don't see how it led me to anything good. It just makes me feel pathetic. And weak. Like you and what you do, or don't, matters.

The truth is it does matter. More than I wanted it to. It matters when you don't say anything. Do I cross your mind? Do you think about me as I think about you? Do you miss anything about us? About me? I can't tell because you don't either. All i know is I can't say I miss you anymore.

I'm not faking my happiness for you when you say you found a house; when you say the city you're moving to is great, and that you're happy. I'm not faking it when I smile imagining you excited, or when you share how you love your friends. My heart breaks a little more each time, but I'm not faking it.

I can't say I was in love. Am in love. I never was before. So I don't know how it feels. But this? This felt good. It did. But It doesn't anymore. Not to me.

I'm tired. I'm just.. tired. And sad. And overly emotional. It's exhausting.

I'm trying to think of the good it brought me. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? How you're supposed to think? How this person that entered your life in this given moment, changed it somehow, taught you something, brought something positive to you. You did. All those things. And I'm thankful to you. I'm thankful that an us happened. Whatever that meant.

But I need to let you go. You need to let me go. If that's what you want. I'm assuming, when I know I shouldn't. I'm doing this all wrong. I can't do it any other way tho. Not anymore. Maybe it's my mind again. It's my mind filling in the blanks you leave. How can I be sure tho? I'm working with what you give me, which isn't much let's be honest. Be honest. With you and with me. Please.

I know you're busy. It's not much different from when you were 20 minutes away. But before, I knew you'd end up saying something to me when you could, even if it were just a couple sentences at the end of the day. I'd share my day with you, and you would share yours with me. We would see each other.

Now, I don't know when I should talk to you. There's times you answer, there's times you don't. You leave me hanging. I'm writing this and I feel so pathetic!

You always said I'm easy going; that I don't make a fuss, i don't get upset; that I'm good. I don't think that's done me anything good, being that way. I complain about trivial stuff, because I don't about what's meaningful to me. Do you see how that can be harmful? How much that makes me hurt?

Maybe my expectations just aren't the same as yours. We can't be living the same relationship, or, i don't know, this thing. Right? I can't make up how you could be alright with this. You were always so thoughtful with my feelings. How is this the way it is? I really try to understand you. Really, i do. I try to make excuses to you not talking to me. Not the Hi's and How are you's, as few as those may be. You don't search for me anymore. And I can't keep searching for you.

'You need two to tango'. That's what you said to me when I asked what you going away meant to us. You said you wanted to dance as long as I wanted, and you wanted.

I don't know what I want anymore. And I feel like you don't either.

What i know, is that i don't want to feel like this anymore.

What are we doing? If this is even something that can be. I don't know what you think, what you want, what you'd like to happen with us. I wish you would talk to me... Make me not feel alone in this. I wish you would share your thoughts.

Maybe you don't cause it's not that important to you right now. I mean, considering you just arrived back at your house, the place you called home the last five years, where you became part, a significant part, of who you are, where friends welcome you back. And you don't know how relieved and proud I am of you, even tho i told you, even tho i don't have much right to be, to be honest. I only know you for less than a year. What does that mean, really? I don't know that either. I just know what I feel. Sometimes. When I can name it. Believe me when I say, and I'm pretty sure you do, that I'm really happy and proud of what you accomplished. But I'm no part in that. I have no part. I'm just a girl you met, and talked for a few months, shared some kisses with, some thoughts and laughs. I told you you make me feel good, and I felt connected to you, you're responsible for the butterflies flying around in my belly, for the shivers I get when I think of your hands on my skin, when I see someone kissing and my mind goes to you. But you followed your life, as you should, cause I might have been a small bump on the road. I can't not wish that I was more than that.

But maybe it is important to you, and you just don't know what you want, don't know what you wanna name it, what it means to you. Or you're just as scared as me (though you didn't seem to when we last talked about such matters). You always sound so sure, so aligned with your thoughts. I'm sorry, but you confuse me! I simply don't know what I'm supposed to feel with you.

Please please please talk to me. I don't know when it's the right time, if there even is one.

I need to know what you want and would like to happen, i need you to reassure my mind.

If you don't see a road, a small destination, some goal, why are we doing this? Does it occupy your mind as it does mine? Do you question it? Us? It doesn't leave mine...

I'm sad. I know you said you don't want me to feel that way. What else am I supposed to feel? I wonder every day if it was the last time I saw you, that I felt you next me, that I touched you. This sailing with the wind approach is not enough for me. This let's see where it takes us. I thought I could do that, and maybe I can. But i need to know if you wanna make something work with me, whatever it ends up to be. Are those thoughts even compatible?

I write this and I imagine you. Rolling your eyes at my doubts and fears. But i think it's this projection of me I do in people important to me. Because I think you wouldn't do that.

I hope.

The truth is I don't know what you would do, what would cross your mind in an instant, if I could catch it.

Man, this is tough.

Do I know you? Let me rephrase. Do I know you enough?

I need to talk to you. I need you to want to talk to me. I wanna be sure. I don't wanna be insecure. About you, or me, or us. I want to be a confident person. To get on with it, for the good it brings us and the less good, i guess. I can't live in uncertainty.

I always talk in hopes, and wishes, and 'will see's. I need to talk in wants, and gets, and fights for. I can only do that with you if you do it with me too.

I try to picture all this scenarios in my head. Of what we can do, to make it work for us, if that's what we want. There's this black void I can't see past. Cause all the negativity is swimming freely in my brain. I'm not positive. You are. You are that for me, and I know I can be it more if you show me how.

Please show me how. And if you don't see it either, maybe that's our answer.