Writing is fun art

My headcanon for the Stellar Force is that the Stellar Matrix that gives them their powers is a creation of Tikki's, likely as a power source for an alien civilization. And due to being Tikki's magic, that's what allows the Stellar Force to cast their own version of the Miraculous Ladybug.

Nervous: Hands trembling, Fidgeting with hair, skin, clothing piece, object, blinking rapidly and looking at everything EXCEPT the person, avoiding eye contact, widening eyes, looking down, stuttering

Angry: Jaw tightening, slamming doors, slamming hand on object, harsh movements, raising pulse, hot/heated face, destroying something, or a voice that ranges from an angry outburst, or the worst anger: a chillingly calm and collected anger that chooses their words carefully. Their emotions are heightened drastically

Habits change: suddenly no energy or motivation to do so.

Rereading old texts from someone that used to be special.

They let their hot drinks go cold beside them.

They apologize for things that aren’t their fault.

They linger after everyone else has already left.

They keep checking the door wishing that anyone will walk through.

They sit in parked cars for a long time before going inside.

Avoiding eye contact; gaze never lingers for long. Staring at the floor, instead of at people.

Rubbing the back of their necks or holding one arm with the other. Closed body language & posture shrinks.

They take deep breaths like they’re steadying themselves.

Hesitation before letting go of a hug.

Movements feel slower than usual.

Trembling fingers and limbs and shaky breath.

Sitting on the shower floor, contemplating.

Voice cracks when they speak & hesitate before responding to simple questions.

Avoidance and deflection when speaking such as “It doesn’t matter now” / “Don’t worry about it” / “I just need some sleep.”

Lingering in doorways instead of entering or lingering at the edge of the group.

Sleeping with noise or lights on to avoid feeling alone. Or as a distraction.

Fixating on small, meaningless tasks to keep busy.

When friends meet them for the first time, everyone assumes the golden retriever fell first. They're wrong.

The golden retriever is openly affectionate and fearless. Until someone hurts the black cat. Then the sunshine turns uncharacteristically serious.

The black cat insists they don’t like people. The golden retriever gently reminds them, “You like me.” The black cat pretends this is an exception, not a rule.

The golden retriever gives compliments freely and often. The black cat gives exactly one sincere compliment, and it means everything.

The black cat says something devastatingly romantic by accident and spends the next hour pretending it wasn’t that deep.

The golden retriever shows love by doing everything together. The black cat shows love by choosing to sit near them when they could sit anywhere else.

The black cat ususally acts annoyed when the golden retriever holds their hand. But they aren't fooling anyone, especially not their partner.

The golden retriever has quite a lot of friends, while the black cat is more of a loner and has a low social battery. As a couple the black cat is willing to hang out with their partner's friends from time to time and the golden retriever makes sure to always check in with their partner to see if it's time to go home together.

People think that the black cat is not a very talkative person. The golden retriever loves to know that when it's just the two of them the black cat's talking can't be stopped.

Usually the golden retriever is the caretaker of the couple. But when they get sick the black cat steps up and is a surprisingly good nurse.

✦ “I'm their real father!”      “And I'm the one they come to when they're scared, which they are right now, so back the fuck up.”

✧ “You don't know how to cook either, do you?”     “Shut up, brat. Of course I can cook.”

✦ “I don't have any kids.”     “Then who is that making chocolate milk over there?”      “My roommate.”

✧ “Can I call you dad/mom?”      [blinking away tears with a lump in their throat, fighting for composure] “Sure.”

✦ “If some random adult approaches you, you ignore them and come find me, yeah?”      “You were a random adult once.”     “That… is not the same.”

✧ “When I grow up, I'm gonna be just like you!”      “Are you? Nah, I think you'll be much better.”

yeah that looks normal… yeah these are all— um. hold on. hang on.

An Internal Family Systems (IFS) Perspective

Most adults don’t walk into relationships thinking, “I can’t wait to reenact my childhood wounds.”

And yet — we do.

Not because we’re broken.

Not because we’re dramatic.

But because unresolved trauma doesn’t disappear. It reorganizes itself.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, the struggles we experience in adult relationships aren’t character flaws. They’re protective strategies developed by younger parts of us that once had to survive something overwhelming.

Trauma Doesn’t Stay in the Past

Childhood trauma isn’t only big, catastrophic events. It can include:

Emotional neglect

Chronic criticism

Inconsistent caregiving

Parentification

Emotional invalidation

Growing up around addiction, rage, or instability

When a child doesn’t have the safety, co-regulation, or protection they need, parts of them adapt.

In IFS, we understand the psyche as made up of different “parts” that carry burdens from past experiences. The most wounded parts — often called exiles — hold the pain, fear, shame, and unmet needs from childhood.

Because that pain is so overwhelming, other parts step in to protect.

And those protectors grow up with us.

How Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships

Here’s how this often looks through an IFS lens:

1. The Anxious Pursuer

You might:

Feel intense fear when someone pulls away

Overanalyze texts

Need reassurance but feel ashamed for needing it

Panic at signs of distance

In IFS terms:

An exile carries the terror of abandonment.

A protector (often a manager part) tries to prevent abandonment by hypervigilance, over-functioning, or clinging.

It’s not “neediness.”

It’s a younger part saying: “Please don’t leave me like they did.”

2. The Emotional Withdrawer

You might:

Shut down during conflict

Feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity

Struggle to express vulnerability

Need space immediately when tension rises

In IFS:

An exile holds memories of being criticized, shamed, or emotionally unsafe.

A protector steps in by disconnecting, numbing, or avoiding closeness.

It’s not coldness.

It’s protection: “If I don’t open up, I can’t get hurt.”

3. The Over-Responsible Fixer

You might:

Feel responsible for everyone’s feelings

Over-function in relationships

Struggle to set boundaries

Feel resentment but not express it

Often:

An exile learned love was conditional.

A manager part believes, “If I perform well enough, I’ll be safe and loved.”

This part isn’t manipulative. It’s exhausted.

4. The Jealous or Suspicious Partner

You might:

Assume betrayal is coming

Struggle to trust even when given reassurance

Scan for signs of dishonesty

IFS would say:

A younger part carries betrayal, unpredictability, or emotional chaos.

A protector scans for danger to prevent reliving that pain.

Hypervigilance once kept you safe.

Now it may be exhausting your relationship.

Why Love Triggers Us

Romantic relationships are uniquely activating because they mirror early attachment dynamics.

Intimacy = exposure.

Exposure = vulnerability.

Vulnerability activates exiles.

When our partner gets close, it can wake up:

The part that never felt chosen

The part that felt invisible

The part that was “too much”

The part that learned love could disappear overnight

And protectors respond fast.

That’s why arguments can feel disproportionately intense. You’re not just fighting about dishes. You’re protecting a seven-year-old exile who felt unseen.

The Good News: Your System Makes Sense

IFS offers something incredibly healing:

There are no bad parts.

Every reaction in your relationship — even the messy ones — is a part trying to help.

The problem isn’t that you have protectors.

The problem is that they’re running the relationship without your Self leading.

In IFS, Self is the calm, grounded, compassionate core of who you are. When Self is present, you can:

Stay regulated in conflict

Be curious instead of reactive

Set boundaries without aggression

Offer reassurance without over-functioning

Stay connected without abandoning yourself

Healing isn’t about getting rid of parts.

It’s about building enough internal safety that protectors can relax.

What Healing Looks Like in Relationships

From an IFS perspective, healing adult relationships involves:

Identifying your parts “A part of me is panicking right now.”

Differentiating from them “That part is scared — but I am not that part.”

Getting curious about the exile underneath “When did I first feel this?”

Offering compassion to that younger part Not fixing. Not shaming. Just witnessing.

Communicating from Self “When you pulled away earlier, a younger part of me felt scared. I don’t want to attack you — I just want to feel connected.”

That kind of language changes relationships.

Trauma Bonds vs. Conscious Love

Without awareness, we choose partners who activate familiar wounds. It feels intense. Magnetic. Urgent.

But intensity isn’t always intimacy.

IFS helps us slow down and ask:

Is this my Self choosing?

Or is this a protector trying to resolve old pain?

The more you heal your exiles, the less you need someone else to fix them.

And that’s where secure love begins.

Final Thought

If your adult relationships feel confusing, painful, or cyclical, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means younger parts of you are still trying to survive.

And they deserve compassion — not shame.

When we turn toward those parts instead of fighting them, relationships stop being battlegrounds and start becoming places of healing.

By Katherine Boulware, LMFT

An Internal Family Systems (IFS) Perspective

Most adults don’t walk into relationships thinking, “I can’t wait to reenact my childhood wounds.”

And yet — we do.

Not because we’re broken.

Not because we’re dramatic.

But because unresolved trauma doesn’t disappear. It reorganizes itself.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, the struggles we experience in adult relationships aren’t character flaws. They’re protective strategies developed by younger parts of us that once had to survive something overwhelming.

Trauma Doesn’t Stay in the Past

Childhood trauma isn’t only big, catastrophic events. It can include:

Emotional neglect

Chronic criticism

Inconsistent caregiving

Parentification

Emotional invalidation

Growing up around addiction, rage, or instability

When a child doesn’t have the safety, co-regulation, or protection they need, parts of them adapt.

In IFS, we understand the psyche as made up of different “parts” that carry burdens from past experiences. The most wounded parts — often called exiles — hold the pain, fear, shame, and unmet needs from childhood.

Because that pain is so overwhelming, other parts step in to protect.

And those protectors grow up with us.

How Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships

Here’s how this often looks through an IFS lens:

1. The Anxious Pursuer

You might:

Feel intense fear when someone pulls away

Overanalyze texts

Need reassurance but feel ashamed for needing it

Panic at signs of distance

In IFS terms:

An exile carries the terror of abandonment.

A protector (often a manager part) tries to prevent abandonment by hypervigilance, over-functioning, or clinging.

It’s not “neediness.”

It’s a younger part saying: “Please don’t leave me like they did.”

2. The Emotional Withdrawer

You might:

Shut down during conflict

Feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity

Struggle to express vulnerability

Need space immediately when tension rises

In IFS:

An exile holds memories of being criticized, shamed, or emotionally unsafe.

A protector steps in by disconnecting, numbing, or avoiding closeness.

It’s not coldness.

It’s protection: “If I don’t open up, I can’t get hurt.”

3. The Over-Responsible Fixer

You might:

Feel responsible for everyone’s feelings

Over-function in relationships

Struggle to set boundaries

Feel resentment but not express it

Often:

An exile learned love was conditional.

A manager part believes, “If I perform well enough, I’ll be safe and loved.”

This part isn’t manipulative. It’s exhausted.

4. The Jealous or Suspicious Partner

You might:

Assume betrayal is coming

Struggle to trust even when given reassurance

Scan for signs of dishonesty

IFS would say:

A younger part carries betrayal, unpredictability, or emotional chaos.

A protector scans for danger to prevent reliving that pain.

Hypervigilance once kept you safe.

Now it may be exhausting your relationship.

Why Love Triggers Us

Romantic relationships are uniquely activating because they mirror early attachment dynamics.

Intimacy = exposure.

Exposure = vulnerability.

Vulnerability activates exiles.

When our partner gets close, it can wake up:

The part that never felt chosen

The part that felt invisible

The part that was “too much”

The part that learned love could disappear overnight

And protectors respond fast.

That’s why arguments can feel disproportionately intense. You’re not just fighting about dishes. You’re protecting a seven-year-old exile who felt unseen.

The Good News: Your System Makes Sense

IFS offers something incredibly healing:

There are no bad parts.

Every reaction in your relationship — even the messy ones — is a part trying to help.

The problem isn’t that you have protectors.

The problem is that they’re running the relationship without your Self leading.

In IFS, Self is the calm, grounded, compassionate core of who you are. When Self is present, you can:

Stay regulated in conflict

Be curious instead of reactive

Set boundaries without aggression

Offer reassurance without over-functioning

Stay connected without abandoning yourself

Healing isn’t about getting rid of parts.

It’s about building enough internal safety that protectors can relax.

What Healing Looks Like in Relationships

From an IFS perspective, healing adult relationships involves:

Identifying your parts “A part of me is panicking right now.”

Differentiating from them “That part is scared — but I am not that part.”

Getting curious about the exile underneath “When did I first feel this?”

Offering compassion to that younger part Not fixing. Not shaming. Just witnessing.

Communicating from Self “When you pulled away earlier, a younger part of me felt scared. I don’t want to attack you — I just want to feel connected.”

That kind of language changes relationships.

Trauma Bonds vs. Conscious Love

Without awareness, we choose partners who activate familiar wounds. It feels intense. Magnetic. Urgent.

But intensity isn’t always intimacy.

IFS helps us slow down and ask:

Is this my Self choosing?

Or is this a protector trying to resolve old pain?

The more you heal your exiles, the less you need someone else to fix them.

And that’s where secure love begins.

Final Thought

If your adult relationships feel confusing, painful, or cyclical, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It means younger parts of you are still trying to survive.

And they deserve compassion — not shame.

When we turn toward those parts instead of fighting them, relationships stop being battlegrounds and start becoming places of healing.

By Katherine Boulware, LMFT