Even if I didnβt have a solid plan, in the back of my head, I always assumed Iβd kill myself.
Now Iβm an adult and people my age have their lives in order and Iβm stuck here, confused, because I never planned to be alive and Iβm so far behind.
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I keep writing the same post on facebook over and over again, but canβt seem to post it. I donβt want to seem needy, even though an open invite to hang out and get food shouldnβt really come off that way; I am convinced it will.
I was going to post there about it, but ... I have too many people there. People who know me at work, in the con community, or ... who donβt know me at all and I just canβt justify filling up the space with my whining.
I tried to go to twitter, but itβs the same thing.
Somehow, here feels safe. Knowing so long as I donβt tag this, the only people who see it are going to be the ones I let know about this place. The people who followed this, knowing this is what I would be doing here. This space feels safe for my thoughts, even though I donβt feel any real connection to tumblr anymore.
Iβve been drinking a lot more than I used to, nothing special. A beer a day, and usually after work, but lately I havenβt wanted to be sober.
Work feels like a prison.
My friends are good people and I love them, but even they have been making me feel ... empty. I want to see them, be around them... I think I am the only one who feels that way.Β
I could probably disappear.
They wouldnβt notice.
Iβve done it before.
Ugh, and now Iβm mad at myself for feeling this way.Β
Kinda of feeling out of sorts today. I have cried twice, had a panic attack and I've only been awake for 45 minutes. I'm having trouble finding my resolve and kind of just want to stop existing. I have to leave for work in 40 minutes... Why am I still here?
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So I found out on my way home in god damn rain that when I speak into my phone it f****** sensors almost every f****** swear word I f****** say can you believe this s*** look at this look at all the f****** asterisks look at all of them they're f****** everywhere like a god damn 4kids anime in here o oh it it knew what for kids was oh my f****** god now it doesn't what the f*** is wrong with you
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Fuck you. I'm good at my job. Just because your phone is shit and you won't stop yelling at me long enough to for me to have you clarify what you're saying so I can actually get a fucking message to who you're calling doesn't mean I am incompetent. Telling me to learn how to spell and that I need a different job is not constructive to the current conversation. Just give me the info I need and shut the fuck up.
Avoiding it is giving me anxiety. Acknowledging it is giving me anxiety. No matter what I do, I feel terrible. I'm the one that started this, so why is the simple matter of confirming what I already know to be true so damn frightening? This isn't the closure I was looking for, I actually think this might be worse.
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