Enemy Of The Police State

i know i don’t go on tumblr anymore. not even for my other blogs. 

i had a rough week last week with an quiz and an exam subsequently following each other. they were both difficult classes. anyways, i was sleep deprived. i forgot everything for my microbiology exam as i stayed up studying for it. it has me questioning what was the point for staying up only to blank out completely when the test came. i know i got 3 questions wrong, and i don’t really want it back. so for the rest of the semester, i just have to bring my grade up, and i just hate this sort of thing because i feel like i’m just trying to make the grade and not learning. maybe it’ll be better the next time around. 

i guess i should say i’ve been seeing someone at smith college. and she’s really cute. we’re both very similar. like me, she gets all her school supplies from the ground, and she doesn’t drink or smoke. we have slightly different interests, like i skateboard and she doesn’t exercise, but that’s okay. i personally don’t care if someone doesn’t exercise. i find myself talking about her with my friends, and i light up every time. i don’t know if she talks about me with her friends. i don’t think i’m worth talking about. 

friday following valentine’s day was our third date. a second date never happens for me. we get ice cream then go to a free movie night at the campus centre that showed codebreaker, a dramatised documentary about alan turing’s life. it probably wasn’t the best film for a date night as it was rather depressing. a girl i had a crush on was there, with her new girlfriend. and that girlfriend was in my data structures class. yeah. they both sat diagonal from my date and me. i’m sure they saw us, but of course they didn’t say anything, and i’m not too upset because i didn’t go alone. 

it was 20h30 when the film ended, and my date says we have a lot of time. this took me by surprise, as she still wanted to spend the night with me. we go back to her room.. i tell her we don’t have to keep hanging out on friday nights if she doesn’t want to. i just don’t want to be a burden. she says it’s okay. we proceed to talk for 3 hours. at one point, i told her that i felt socially lagging and say my first date ever was last year at 21 years old. she proceeds to admit that i was her first date ever..

i had a really good first date ever. and i guess i want to replicate that for someone else. i really don’t know where this friendship/relationship will go, and it’s best not to have any expectations. just see how things flow. but if we split ways in the future, i don’t know if i made a memorable first date ever. i really hated comparing every other date i went on to my first date ever. i couldn’t look at wellesley college the same, all because of one girl and that it’s such a sentimental memory. i know i’m fucking pathetic because everyone else probably went on their first date ever at 16 and completely erased it from their memories and i’m still grieving over mine. 

i still have her number, and sometimes i just want to text her out of the blue to admit she was my first date and thank her. but that’s just weird, and she’ll probably show the text to her friends, pull up my tinder profile, and they’ll all mock me. 

before i left her dorm, we hugged and she kissed me on the cheeks, although my hair was in the way. thinking about it makes me happy. 

but once again, i don’t know where things go, and i’d rather not have any expectations. 

i think this will be my last post. my favourite idol, rinaticstate, is no longer an idol. so i just felt that i lost a lot of purpose with my other tumblr blogs. it’s not like it matters anyways. making gifs just isn’t as fun or exciting as i remembered. i have some new interests and hobbies. it’s funny, i was reflecting on how tumblr was the reason for my procrastination in high school. i had a big problem with it. then my interest just fell off. 

well. it was a good journey.

if we went to high school together and you’re reading this, yes, i suppressed my real sexuality the whole time. i know i cut off contact with everyone. i hope that you are living a happy life and continuing to pursue your dreams. i’m sure you’re not who i remembered you were, and that you’re a better person. and since only a few high school friends actually follow this blog, i never thanked you for helping me make it through that hell. this seems like an insincere apology, but.. thank you. thank you for bearing with all my problems and dealing with the shitty person that i was. you deserve better.

okay.

will probably be my last post for this blog.

I know I didn’t use this blog a lot, but I’m losing interest in my other Tumblr blogs as well. They’ll still be up, but everything has to end at some point. I can’t believe I still have this blog since high school. Honestly. I always feel like I have to say I hate high school, I didn’t go to prom or any of that senior week bullshit, and I didn’t go to the graduation. It’s just a time I’d rather forget. But I’m not going to get into it anymore because it’s not important.

Let’s start April 2018. The weekend leading into the last week/finals week of the academic semester. I made a Tinder at ~2AM Sunday Morning somewhere on the Smith campus. I’d never thought I’d actually go through with the idea but I guess it’s the only way to get into dating. I swipe until all my 100 swipes were used up. I was using it on my laptop because I have bad directionality on the phone, and it’s kind of like a video game when you use it on the computer. Try it sometime. 

The following day, I got some matches. It made me realised that there are people who want to date me, since I haven’t been on a date ever, never had a kiss, nothing. I was lagging behind my peers.. but  maybe I’m not all that useless and hopeless ? Well, at 4AM on Monday Morning, I was just going to log out but accidentally deleted my account. And I had to make everything from scratch again. Fuck. I walk back to my dorm from the library, feeling defeated because I was stupid. I wanted to make one again but didn’t want people to get pissed off at me. I kept up playing with the idea, and when my friends were making plans with their partners to procrastinate on finals, I wished I had a date or some shit. Sometime during finals week, I had a meeting with the Dean Of Students. I told her I made a Tinder.. she’s married and all.. I think I made her a little comfortable :’) Finals come and go, summer starts, I leave the US for a month.

I come back to the US, I get myself a used Toy Machine skateboard on Ebay for 50$ and learn how to skateboard. I’ve wanted a longboard ever since I started college but kept putting off the idea. Skateboards were cheaper, smaller, and there isn’t anything you can’t do on a skateboard that you could do on a longboard. I make a new Tinder, use Chrome developer tools to set my location to Boston because fuck this white suburban town I’m in. Had some conversations which ended up with the other person ghosting me. 

I decided to talk with this girl I matched with 5 days earlier. She went to Wellesley College. After my first message, she said that we had a lot in common. Personality wise, certainly. Some slightly different interests and majors, but damn. That week that we started talking was the same week we planned a date. I wanted to try her pennyboard, she wanted to try my skateboard. We agreed to meet at a park in the city.

The day comes. I wake up at 6AM, nervous as fuck. The train departs 11AM. I skated around my streets for a bit to kill time. I organised my room until I had to get to the train station. The whole train ride, my thoughts are everywhere. This is my first fucking date ever. At 21 years old. We meet up, and wow. She was pretty. We skated while talking about our lives. I tried her pennyboard. It was hard to get my footing right because my skateboard is much wider, and there’s no griptape. That shit actually makes a difference. The trucks on her board were tight while she’s saying that mine were pretty loose, heheheh. I could not turn on her board. I tried to manual on her pennyboard while I couldn’t even manual on my own board. Well, I made a fool of myself by landing right on my ass :) Then we both tried to do an ollie. Unsuccessful, but still pretty fun.

We went to eat at a Chinese restaurant. Scallion pancakes, fried dumplings, juicy pork buns, milk tea. That was our order. Conversation went from school days to true crime to philosophy to memes. It was so much food. We skated to the train station, and she had to go. I skated around the park for a bit then these skater guys invited me to join their group. It was a fun day, and I instantly fell asleep when I went home.

She never replied to my message. So there was no second date. It’s been a month now. It’s okay. That was a perfect first date though, and I guess my friends are jealous how fun it was.

I went on my second date ever on Monday. It didn’t go well; I was late because it was a busy day with some baseball game and wrestling match. Subways were crowded. The ice cream sucked, and it was expensive. We walked and talked aimlessly until we decided to rest at the park. Same park as last date. She refused my snack gifts :( and then had to go to a bar or something. Plus, she didn’t want to get on my skateboard even though she has a longboard, claiming that skateboarding is harder than longboarding. I don’t know, but I was upset when she left. Snapchatted some derogatory statement about the date to my three closet friends, they all responded. I went to my friends’ usual skate spot at the park and met a cool guy who got me to do my first ollie. Things weren’t a complete disaster.

What I hate is how I keep reminiscing about the first date. How perfect everything was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, everyday I still think about it in some way. It’s unhealthy, but.. I don’t know. When things don’t go well, you compare it to a better time.

And I just came back from my third date. Wow, two dates in the same week. This was actually a pretty fun date. This girl, she got a new skateboard, T H I C C griptape, cruiser wheels, Independent trucks, a great setup honestly. Much better than mine. We skated around a street that was closed off for Sunday, talked about our lives. It turns out we had similar personalities. It’s only been a week since she started skating, and she’s so much better than me: better pushes, more brave, just everything. Still, while I travelled to see this girl, I was just hoping I’d encounter the first date girl by chance. I am just so fucking pathetic. But.. this date did make me not want to compare things. After skating for a while, I brought her and myself some coffee. When she left, she gave me a hug then said “I’d kiss you, but you’re sick.” I only want a second date planned.

Honestly. I just made this post for myself. I don’t know who will read this. This Tumblr will be a personal archive of mine. It’s good to take a trip down memory lane from time to time. Looking back at some personal text posts, I guess you could conclude I’ve changed a whole lot. To my future self, I don’t know if you cringed or smiled upon finishing reading this. And I don’t know where you’ll be in life. I just hope you’re not using Tinder or any online dating app anymore. Your first date was at 21 years old, going into your final year of college. Just don’t forget it.. but for the love of god, stop reminiscing over it. Hopefully you’ve had better and more memorable dates/relationships at the moment you’re reading this. And perhaps your ollies are good and high, your pushes aggressive, your running starts a second nature, and hill bombing is fun and not scary.