The Phoenix

i hate when i send someone a meme in another language and they're like "uhm... translate? 😒" fucker i sent you a meme where 90% of the words have an english cognate and/or you don't need to know what they're saying to find it funny. can you at least TRY

“I looked at the sky and all I saw was birds! On the news they showed in south carolina where you could see venus and all the stars, why couldn’t we see those here?”

in honor of today’s eclipse, throwback to the best phone call I ever got at my old job

Sorry let me just call the goddamned solar system customer service line with your complaint okay brb!!

hiring a wizard to break whatever curse is holding henry kissingers shitty body together and laughing with childish glee as he instantly collapses into individual limbs like a lego character

48 hours guaranteed i see

if i was sisyphus id eat a bit of dirt off the slope every time on my way up until the slope is no longer steep enough for the boulder to roll down. it would be end of suffering in 47 days

if i was atlas id shake the sky up and down to make the laminated wobble sound worldwide every day and piss zeus off enough to kill me or himself

no idea how id cope being prometheus. he died so we can light joints i wish him the best

The old school lack of transparency on tumblr is amazing because you assume the people you follow must all be equivalent to you and then you see someone write “I brought my youngest to college today” and someone else write “my mom wouldn’t let me listen to Ariana Grande when I was a kid” and then your head explodes

and we need that! keeps us humble. 

Then I'm just like WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE AN ADULT

It goes the other way, too, because WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A CHILD?!!

I'm 16, that's like, barely a child

I'm in my 30s. You are baby

I'm older than both of you in a trenchcoat.

honestly one of the best things we can do for ourselves is realize that people of different ages than us can still be the same kind of person as us. it's humbling and it gives everyone involved a sense of continuity, and it busts those stupid generational stereotypes media is so fond of.

randomly remembering the time in 2012 when everyone kept saying the world was going to end at midday that day and like, i didnt really believe it, but i didnt want to be a complete fool if i was wrong, so i excused myself from class to go sit the field and perfectly timed the beat drop to a skrillex song just in case something happened. and im just. retroactively amused by the idea of ushering in the appocalypse with skrillex. most 2012 thing you could possibly do.