Phil Plays

No. I didn't. So..... *sigh* We were minding our own business, just travelling along the road to Mole Town and we happen to come across a green pipe in the middle of the path. You know, one of those green pipe things that goes in the ground? I know you know what I'm talking about. Don't mess with me.

Well, just when I think we can skip it (since, you know, it's just in our way and we can GO AROUND IT), pudgy boy Mallow goes and trips his ass down the thing. I would have just kept going, but he had our cash, so I really had no choice. This kid is the worst. He's the opposite of Batman.

Not only did we have to go *down* the pipe. But we couldn't just go back up the damn thing! We had to defeat more enemies. We had to jump over lava. We had to keep Mallow from crying himself to death.

At the end of the cavern though, we did find good ol' Yo'ster island, where my good buddy Yoshi resides. The only man (dinosaur) I'll ever respect. Because he lets me use him like a horse. No shame.

Back on the main path, we found our way to Mole Town. Why is it called that? You're kidding right? (I now realize that I didn't actually take a screenshot to punchline the joke here, so Mole Town is full of Moles. The animal kind. You're welcome.)

We found Bowser too, though he took off real fast and didn't provide us with any juicy bits of gossip.

The town was being plagued by some dirt in their mound of crap, so I decided to go in and clean it for them. *Not* out of the goodness of my own heart, mind you. But because of the call of that third star inside.

After clawing and crawling through dirt and grime for miles and miles (or kilometers and kilometers, if you prefer) we found the boss, Punchinello, who, surprisingly, wasn't some kind of anthropomorphic weapon. He was pleasant, at least.

We punched his nello (I crack myself up sometimes) and snatched dat third star up!

The return journey was much more exciting, but I wished I had had a fedora and whip so that I would have enjoyed it more.

We headed downstairs to the first floor of the inn, hoping for our promised Continental Breakfast. Sadly, we were greeted only by the little Toad who had bothered us the day before with his dolls. He mentioned something about seeing his blue doll Geno walk into the forest. Hmm...we did only *dream* of that last night, right?

Walking outside in the town revealed that some of the other Toads had seen a similar sight, so we took it upon ourselves to go into the haunted forest, or maze forest or dangerous forest, whatever it is they call it. We might as well kill two birds with one stone and look for the archer and this blue doll.

Well let me tell you something. Forests suck. So many damn critters getting up in our business. Jeez! Don't they know who I am!? And the freaking *maze*

and the damn underground.

I am FINISHED with anything green. Fortunately Mallow kept us entertained by revealing that he had learned a new move. The Shocker! (really). The Shocker?

Anyway, we finally figured out who was whipping arrows into the town, and at the same time we revealed the identity of the mystery living blue doll.

After a heated fight (it was a massacre honestly) with Bowyer, the - wait for it - bow, we retrieved the second star (green this time) and got some more exposition from Geno (the blue doll guy). Apparently something something blah blah stars grants wishes yadda yadda the evil weapon sword came crashing down and ruined Christmas for children or something. It's all really sad apparently, for everyone except me.

Anywho, we made our way back to town and decided to rest up for the night. Unsurprisingly, mister blue doll wants to stick with us, because he's really from the land of stars and possessed the doll in order to venture on land. Okay man, look, I'm not going to spend the energy to debate you so hop on the misery train with the rest of us.