Philosofaith

I have hardness in my heart.

I was more healthy two years ago.

I was traumatized.

Very traumatized.

But I was healthy enough to love someone the right way.

Now I feel burnt. Like I don't know how to love.

Like I need some time.

I do idiotic things.

I let him back in.

The foo hopped into my car, wouldn't leave, I drove him partial way to my house,

and out of the kindness of my heartcuz I didn't want him to feel like I was kidnapping him

I drove him back

Only for him to take my car and house keys away.

Like bro. As if I don't already have PTSD from you. Taking important things away. Taking things away that will make some keep around.

That just made it worse. My body has not forgotten the feeling of maltreatment.

What kind of partner treats their best friend like that?

The guy lacks insight.

He will never see how his actions destroyed everything.

He's shown me enough consistence of maltreatment to show me that I will only become more traumatized with him and he will continue to live as if he's giving me his all when all I wanted was him to give me his best self.

I have so many significant bad experiences where this guy has traumatized me.

Actions.

There's no point in talking to him about it.

I only get angry.

This is something my soul speaks that he does not have the mental or emotional capacity to understand.

I have never had a year full of so much shame and unfulfillment.

I think it’s because of my ex boyfriend.

I felt so ashamed being with him.

Because I knew I downgraded.

Someone who doesn’t care to build their character.

Someone who doesn’t value integrity.

Who always has to be babied for direction.

Someone who has no ride or die community because he drove them all away.

I would compare myself to others who were happy with themselves and their lives, while I was with my man, who I both loved and hated.

Hated because he is so privileged, literally doesn’t have to work cuz his paps gives me money - he can afford to wear $500 slippers to wear in the house, a $12,000 rolex, a $2,000 gucci windbreaker jacket, a who knows how much gucci backpack, and god knows how mucn freaking louis vuitton backpack.

Although the luxury of being able to afford all of that stuff is a privilege, it all felt so empty being around that.

I don’t feel good about that.

I just don’t feel good.

He had so much privilege yet he didn’t use it to help others.

I critique because he didn’t even use it to help himself.

He’s literally just... not doing anything with his life.

And that is what would drive me nuts.

I wanted to be powerful with him.

To harness our power.

I just wish you could have shown up for me the way I wanted you to.

I was literally like the only person who was there for you when you were manic and when everybody abandoned you.

Then you betrayed me when I did nothing to you.

You took my phone, my laptop, nearly threw all of my stuff off the second floor balcony, locked me in the room with you while you pushed your dresser in front of the door, locked yourself in the bathroom and pretended to call 911 saying you were scared and that I was holding a screw driver to hurt you.

When all that time you were doing that to psychologically abuse me.

At that moment I understood why it is so hard for women to leave men who are emulating violence.

I don’t know how I took you back after that. You showed up to my house unannounced after the Evergreen gang showed up and drew you off when you followed behind me in your car to further terrorize me.

You then continued to message me on your phone saying that you were sorry.

After you told me you wanted to see my family’s blood splattered like ketchup.

I’ve hid this for a long time. I tried to cover it up by manipulating things to seem like a facade because I knew that was you when you were manic.

Your Grandma shot you in the leg, and you got surgery. The LVPD dragged you to the hospital. Who showed up at your bedside? Nobody.

Where are your friends? Nowhere to be found.

Who has your back now that you’ve driven everybody away? Nobody.

Of course I’m disappointed. 

You calmed down from being so manic. I saw your baseline.

You have Bipolar disorder.

I know it.

You’ve gone undiagnosed.

Anyway, I need to stop repeating things that my Mother had gone through when I was a child.

Experiencing this is in my DNA.

It does start with me.

Stopping the cycle of story.

It’s up to me to pave the way for a new one. 

I really just wanted to celebrate. It was my 10 year anniversary of having passed my NCLEX. IT was really special.

You purposefully took that away from me. Deprived me of celebrating my special day.

You killed my trip.

You told me you could be meaner.

I’ve already experienced that from you. I experienced the worst in you.

My friends were ready to celebrate with me. They were ready to meet me. They were ready to pick me up. They were ready to embrace me.

I have good friends. A supportive group of family who have always showed me that they are there. Time and time again.

Last night the worst was coming out of you again while you were at baseline.

Friends don’t treat friends like that.

And neither do partners.

I am glad that things happened the way they did.

Never have I ever had a relationship that feels like I'm being emotionally and mentally taxed.

And today. . I just realized.. that I don't have feelings. I never did. Ever have feelings for who I have.

I wish I could say

I look up to you

I admire your heart for people and your heart for God

You inspire me

You're my better half

But instead I get an "F U"

and offense.

And you know what? Cussing triggers me

I'm so picky about what I want to rub off on me.

I feel like my brain cells are dying and I downgraded.

yeah.. I downgraded.

He doesn't even care about his character.

We don't speak the same language.

He's religious.

Worship is lip service.

Going to church is like attending a club.

All my heart soul strength mind and the entirety of my being is hungry. Thirsty for the Lord.

I'm with a chump. Daddy's boy. 34. How unmanly.. it is... to not have to have worked for anything =\\

I'm not attracted at all.

I feel like I've been shorted of pure genuine love that gives it's all because it has all.

He doesn't understand that he can't give what he doesn't have. And that's why I hate him.

Lack of insight.

Ughhh.

I can't stand him.

I have Soo much resentment.

I hate him so much.

At the core of my being all I feel is disappointment and being let down. Cuz he can't show up. He's not a self initiator.

I gotta baby him and momma him the whole time.

.PTSD

Flashback. Heart race. Mind a flurried storm.

Too much.

Suffocate.

Help me choke out the trauma.

I need to overcome all that has worn

Down my heart.

Why did I trust someone who did not take care of me?

I knew.

Intuition.

Red flags.

I understand now.

Who is the archetype that I watered down my intuition for?

What was my daily childhood norm?

Living every day in a normal that I had no choice but to adjust to, and now all this is familiarity.

It is autopilot.

My default.

Again and again.

Is a nonexistent architect.

Of someone I have not met.

And who probably will never be.

Because that is an idealized idol

that nobody will ever be.

We love and accept people for who they are.

But

WHO THEY ARE.

MUST.

BE.

At their core.

Love.

In all things.

Love goes before joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

Yes.

These are the fruits of the Spirit.

Yet.

The irony is.

That even somebody that does not know or submit to God.

Can be more christian than christians.

Take..

For say....

______.

Just.

An all around good human.

Does not share the same religious faith,

but at the core, adheres to a code of ethics.

"My type"

is an idol of a far reaching nonexistent person.

And that is unfair to place upon anybody.

The truth of the matter is.

That seeing "anything" in a partner

Starts with qualities and character traits.

And even before even considering that,

ARE THESE CHARACTER TRAITS THAT I EMANATE?

I've been.

Hurting.

..

My whole life.

Where did I find refuge?

Yesterday.

After all the questions my therapist asked,

I said with my mouth:

"I think this whole time I've still been trying to save my Dad."

...

And it made me think.

My "type" before.

Was the Dad that I never had.

My "type" was always who my Mom mentored me to find.

Her Dad.

But with all the patterns I have had.

Hector? Badass

Ernie? Thrill

Satan ?🖕 On the edge

Brent? Reckless

I see all of these traits also in me.

I have a pattern of dating unstable rollercoaster dudes.

Wtf man.

I'm annoyed at myself, and disappointed.

Wouldn't I have learned already?

I have known this already.

I have known that

none of this has been good for me.

What is the point of self awareness when we still live in repeat?

I am determined to change things.

So what is actually good for me?

My therapist helped me to speak the truth that I did not even know was within me.

I hate myself most when I am not living in congruence with my core values.

My core value is integrity.

It is probably the highest.

So when I do not live what I speak, I cave in.

I become most frustrated with myself when I do not have integrity.

What is integrity?

It is who we are when nobody is looking.

Is everything we do a show? Is it an illusion to deceive?

Don't believe everything you see.

Except when I got saved, I was actually honorable, living with integrity.

I am human, facing demons everyday.

Everyday is a battle and I've just been existing letting them win.

Nah.

I gotta fight.

My heart hurts.

I just need to love myself.

I love myself better than anybody ever has .

Well.

That's a lie.

But I just need to stop doing what leads me to dishonor myself.

Why do I ignore myself, and abandon myself

So that I could cater to others?

I am now on this journey.

To regather, to heal, and to discover.

I came to you.

Through a trauma bond.

But I was looking for a home.

Please help to take the pain away.

I wanted anybody.

Just anybody to help me because I had been fighting it all alone.

Except.

I ended up getting abused.

Again.

And it kills me to write

Because this is

Yet again

The narrative I don't want to tell.

I wish stupidity was not part of my story.

But that is not the truth.

To get my head out of the clouds.

I.

Survived.

When you came over to my side

And slipped your hands over me

I froze.

After I had pulled away.

After I had pushed you away.

After I said "I'm not comfortable doing this."

You didn't take my nice girl "no."

I was going through trauma too.

And I knew you were disrespecting me.

I ignored the red flags already signaling inside of me.

Now I know.

That this response is what happens to people who have learned to adjust to a lifetime of abuse.

It started in my childhood.

Then I became a victim later on.

Who knew.

Sexual abuse. First.

Then verbal. Second.

Both. Psychological.

I've been so. Damaged

Embarrassed.

Ashamed.

Sexual abuse. Verbal abuse. Psychological abuse ---> Emotional abuse.

Both.

Psychological terrorism.

My therapist asked me:

How would you feel?

I said: "free."

She asked why I said that

when nobody is physically chaining me.

It's like I wait.

For those I've been affected by abuse

to free me.

Why.

Do I abandon myself for people

who mistreat me?

And now I know.

What I am susceptible to.

A new thing I learned about myself.

I've abandoned myself, hoping and wishing

That those that I love on

Will eventually show up.

For me.

I've been psychologically abused by two people in my lifetime.

I can't keep doing this to me.

Trauma is no joke.

YO.

Hey.

Well.

I have a boyfriend now.

Its definitely been an up and down journey, and he wasn’t “my type,” 

but I definitely love him.

He needs prayer. Lots of prayer.

So do I.

---

I’m kind of lost.

It’s like I spent most of my 20s handling my life pretty well in the sense where I managed my time with work and school and volunteer work by only doing one or two classes at a time.

I did this strategically and intentionally because I do not perform well with emotional and mental instability. I need time to gather myself, in solitude, and I also need time for fun.

The COVID pandemic makes the load of class work feel like more work for some reason.

---

I been spending a lot of time around people, and different cultures.

I realize that I NEED to step back and find my own voice again, and listen to the beat of my own drum.

---

I am not a visual artist, but I do believe that I am an artist of the mind.

My strength is reflecting, my strength is insightful and existential pondering.

I’ve been tainted by the world, and I need to soak myself in nature to purify, and get away from all the things and ideas I have been marketed.

---

I HATE. Cancel culture. What’s “cancel culture?”

Look it up.

---

Somebody (an artist) who I feel like I heavily and soulfully identify with.

Is June Marieezy. 

The way she thinks.

---

In my own life, and with my own path of truth,

I don’t find deep pleasure in anything if it is not along the path of what I deeply feel is “God’s will” for my life.

My whole life and what I’ve been chasing in life has been centered upon my deep deep convictions of where I believe and feel God has been leading me.

I like traveling. It’s fun. I like doing fun stuff.

It’s just that.

God’s presence and guidance in my life is what gives me satisfaction, and what gives me direction, and soulful meaning.

---

I been tired. TIRED.

Tired.

STRAIGHT.

Tired.

N this is why.

I don’t believe in persistently bonking people on the head and straight bullying them neverendingly when they truly realize their wrongs and desire to be restored.

I need to shield my heart and mind from all the harsh talk lately.

Stuff that’s been bothering me.

Once people take responsibility for their wrongs and genuinely feel remorse, and LEARN, they still need to be counseled to restoration.

We risk emanating the same energy as our oppressors. When we lead out of hurt and pride.

I been there. I healed. I realized.

Folks gotta stop being weird?

Nah.

Folks gotta stop being prideful.