Phil Lee Buster

I need to get traction on my business. I need a sale. I need a client. I need to be creating with a company.

I met with a career/life coach yesterday and it was actually really helpful.

I don’t know what you call this feeling.

A greyish defeat that grows with every breath.

The type of nuisance that allows wounds to fester.

An ally in the war against living. 

Something that holds your tongue, burning each taste bud with vile hatred.

The type of self loathing that has been cultivated with astute detail.

A harried presence that becomes aroused with lust each time you hurt.

If you could imagine your feet being burnt over and over again by the acidic deeds of your ancestors, punishment for surviving this long, you might be able to make meaning of the pain that you’ve endured.

But it’s not really pain. It’s just the shadow of pleasure.

When you come out on the other side of pain, you find your mind rewriting the rules of what you experienced. 

Yes it hurt.

Yes you suffered.

But it was also so comfortingly familiar that you crave it, like a high that you’re constantly chasing. You know how this story ends. You, alone huddled underneath the desk, holding your body close as the sobs rob you of life. This is the known. This is the way it’s always been.

You know this old friend like your own reflection. More maternal than your own mother, it holds you close with a tender embrace.

This is what life is supposed to be, my dear.

Not pain. Not pleasure. 

Yesterday I worked for several hours at my part time job and then came home, exhausted. All these health issues are catching up with me.

And yet I can't focus on my own success for more than 4 seconds. It makes me nervous and depressed. Because I'll start thinking about all the things I need to do and get overwhelmed and start comparing myself to others and it's a mess.

But if I spend all my mental energy thinking about others, how will I ever get what I want done?

Can't get shit done.

Starting to feel laziness creep in.

Started to freak out when I gave her my price list.

Is it too much?

Too little?

Should I offer a discount?