Accidentally posted in the wrong discord channel like 3 days ago, still have that “must hide” feeling.
Deleted the comment when I realized. Didn’t stop mod from messaging a “gentle ask” to refrain from using that channel…really love 🙄 when people send passive aggressive (aggressive aggressive?) dms with this framing. The worst part is that I didn’t see the mod’s message until this morning—3 days after the post, prompt removal, and dm from mod.
It’s really frustrating to interact in TTC spaces sometimes. I wouldn’t say I’m any more of an outcast in these groups than other groups but I seem to be unable to put on my “give zero fucks” hat in these groups in a way that hasn’t been an issue elsewhere since…maybe my early 20s? Idk if it’s the context of this shitty ass journey, hormones, both, or something else, but whatever the reason I’m over feeling like this. And I really wish I could receive the grace that NTs seem to receive when they make similar social gaffs. Or I guess maybe it’s that they are better at not caring?
I’m tired of feeling so isolated and broken. I’m tired of feeling like my life operates in several different spheres of reality that refuse to mesh. My oldest friends are comfortable because I don’t have to share shit, they already know everything. But they also all have children or aren’t considering children at this time. I know people IRL who’ve had losses, even RPL, but those aren’t the moms in my close circle. Turns out it’s super awkward to talk infertility with your friends when they couldn’t get pregnant and your issue is staying, not getting, pregnant. There’s honestly no real reason I couldn’t talk to my child free by choice friends about everything, except that I don’t even know how to bring up the topic. It’s not like when we were in college and living in the same house and I could walk down the hall and curl up in their bed for a good cry, hugs, and bad tv. The bigger thing is that things have just been awkward with the child free by choice friends since Covid arrived. We have a weirdly respectful dynamic that involves a sort of mutual understanding that we don’t agree on Covid and another understanding that we will just glaze over it in most conversation while only making vague promises to “see each other soon” that never turn to actual planning. It’s not that I couldn’t drive to T-town to curl up on M’s couch…it’s that I wouldn’t want to live in Covid reality while doing it because she would be different and weird trying to comfort me while masks are being worn. Same with K. I could drive to Tennessee…but it’ll be a whole thing if I mention her masking at school, and forget it at all if the step kids are home. She can’t control their mom even if she were willing to try to enforce some sort of mitigations on her and their dad’s end.
Then there’s the work/Covid safe crew. Fucking forget talking about future children with this crowd unless you want a million “well meaning” comments about it being selfish and “stupid” to bring more kids to this world that is clearly a dumpster fire. They are only slightly more supportive of people who were already parents pre-Covid.
So, I can talk to my work/Covid safe friends about Covid but not TTC, not quite close enough with them to dig deep into life things generally either. I can talk to my mom friends about Covid and life shit but not so much about TTC since the losses. I can’t talk to my pregnant friends really at all. And I can talk to my child free by choice friends about vague life shit but mostly their lives since I can’t talk to them about Covid.
Then there’s family. My husband is amazing. My relationship with my mom is in a good place right now. Brothers too. But I can only talk to my husband so much, and it’s not fair or healthy for him to be my 100% and only dumping ground all of the time. My mom was so devastated at both losses and is similar to my friend with kids in that she struggled to get pregnant but stayed pregnant once it happened. My older brother and his wife have three unicorn babies…so that’s a no. Little brother is army…he only has his phone once in a blue moon so also no.
I really wish it wasn’t so hard to fit in with the TTC communities. I thought I had found a great one in this server but…second guessing myself now and just generally feeling very sad and lost. It doesn’t help that LP hormones are starting to rage. Unclear if the urge to cry is real emotional reaction or Supersized Hormone Sensitive Sads. TTC is a rude bitch, so like I get why people are prone to snapping at little shit in the TTC servers/subs/groups…but (and I think this is AuDHD me reacting) I would never police their grief, sadness, frustration, and confusion the way that I’ve seen them police others including myself. And I haven’t even had the worst of it…because I’ve seen them lay into people in a way that makes me feel like I’m 21 and trying to survive sorority recruitment week, so in typical ND trying to survive NT social things fashion I am super careful about engaging, mask ALL the way on as far as it will go, scrutinizing every engagement and triple checking, often deleting instead of going through with it. Which means I’m beating myself up worse about the gaff. It would be a lot easier to ignore the [expected but hair raising] fear mongering about having an autistic kid that goes on in these groups if I didn’t feel so glaringly autistic all of the fucking time and like I have to hide it from judgemental people being possessed by hormones. And I hate that I’m possessed by hormones and unable to do anything to quell the anxiety because adding the dumpster fire that is TTC especially after loss I also can’t consume like anything that could possibly help anxiety because all of those things could hurt implantation. And I am sad that I was team “drink until pink” before losing two babies back to back and know i will never get back to that level of carefree.
Fucking hell.
