Currently in Rerik hell ✨

Photo by Diane Bauer

enter raoul who, despite being different in personality, appearance-wise erik sees he is ideal by other's standards. this fosters a sort of heat within him each time he sees the man with christine, hears his voice, sees him smile, thinks about him after his mind drifts from christine to that man who so often attaches himself to her. he believes the heat is jealousy, when in truth it is partly envy, because he wishes he were so handsome, well-liked and naturally charismatic, then love (platonic and romantic) would be easier for him. he wants to be like raoul, mimic the way he carries himself, the way he dresses and looks, because that is what is considered good and perfect by society, yet he can't. it looks wrong on him. but that heat is also the starting flame of a crush, a simmering lust that grows in intensity until it confuses erik, infuriates him.

why must his thoughts of christine always lead to that man? why does his imagination wander into territory unbidden, of the delicate face of the singer he adores, her lips smiling and pressing against his, to those which belong to raoul? he's angry and frustrated, and blushing has become such a common occurrence that he scarcely realises when he does it.