. . .

“i’m dove, it’s nice to meet you!”

Oh cute! I love your name.

Being labeled as the dog lady sounds awesome, although I don’t think it would be fun having to pick up after them every time they decide to destroy or shit on something.

“Weird. I mean, yeah toddlers are little shit heads, but– I don’t know.”

I’m kidding? Don’t look so upset.

A whole sixty seconds? Girl, I give them five seconds and tell them to run like their lives depend on it, because they do. Like, I don’t have a play room in my house. There’s no need for one because I don’t have kids. So when my friends bring their kids over, I make it absolutely clear that those kids are to stay in the same room we’re in so their parents can watch them and they’re still gonna follow my house rules, not mom and dad’s rules. Thankfully I don’t have many friends with kids. 

I have to give them that whole minute, I’m not ready to go to jail just yet. See, we need more people like us. Whenever I tell my friends or family members to watch their kids, I get called rude and get told that they’re ‘just kids’ and ‘they need to play’. Like no, sorry, but your kid needs to sit their butt down.

You probably weren’t that bad! Come on they have some good things about them..

You’re right, I was a great kid, but that’s besides the point. Sel, do you actually believe that?

“mm, i suppose you’re right, yeah.”

I’m Vanessa by the way.

You know what I really can’t stand? Like, play fighting, okay, cool, just don’t smack me in the face or fuck up my nose, but those kids that hit for absolutely no reason other than they’re pissed off, those kids make me wanna beat the shit out of their parents for letting them be little cunts. 

Oh my god, yes! They have me counting a whole minute and praying to everything from every religion for some strength. I also can’t stand when people come over and their kids decide it’s okay to touch everything then talk back when you tell them no.

Hey man, just don’t let your kids touch my food or hit me and I’ll shower those little ones with love. Of course I don’t think the same about dogs! I’ll probably just end up adopting a crap load of dogs instead of having kids.

“I’ve come to a conclusion that you’re just always high, or you just love to think up weird shit.” Andie nodded. “Why would you fight a toddler?”

You could say it’s a little bit of both. Toddlers are little punks who know I can’t do anything to them and take advantage of it which makes me want to fight them. If I were a kid for a day, you best believe I’d be the kid in the principals office because I pushed another kid.

Oh my god, same!

Finally someone who understands.

Why would you want to fight a toddler? I mean I would understand play fighting cause that’s always fun. 

Because they’re little assholes? I thought that was implied. I swear they’re little devils in disguise.

Gosh Nessa, come on they aren’t that bad. You were a toddler at one point!

Pfft, yeah right. I know I was, and I was a little shit.

“aw.. kids are so cute though..”

They’re cute, but they’re not nice.

I feel you. I have a three-year-old godson that’s an absolute nightmare. And we literally fight. He’s in like, a toddler boxing class so anytime I see him he’s “showing” me his moves and sometimes he gets me just hard enough to piss me off and I punch his ass back–like yanno, not hard enough to leave a mark or really hurt him, but enough that it makes him mad so he’ll stop doing it to me. I’m gonna be a horrible mom.

Every time I’m around toddlers who like to play fight, I try to leave. Those little butts have no mercy for you and I get annoyed with them way too easily. I’m going to be a terrible mom too, don’t worry, at least they make parenting books now and there’s always yoga.