Petitioning Aphrodite

I’ve been thinking about magick recently, and about skills and change and will.  A definition of magick that I’ve encountered in chaos magick talk recently is the ability to create change in accordance with your will.  I like this definition, and particularly the fact that it doesn’t actually exclude activities that we think of as “non-magickal”.  Under such a broad definition, money is a tool of magick.  Manual labor is a tool of magick.  Effort is a tool of magick.  Negotiation is a tool of magick.  Anything you do in an effort to create change in accordance with your will is a tool of magick.

This got me to thinking that really, the only thing anyone does is create change (or at least attempt to).  Asking for a promotion at work?  Creating change.  Finding that perfect relationship (or strengthening the one you’ve already got)?  Creating change.  Learning something new?  Creating change in your brain.  Playing music?  Creating change in the air waves to produce sound, creating physical change in the ears of your listeners (even if it’s just you), and creating emotional change within them.  Playing sportsball?  Physical change (move the thing to the other thing, exercise and strengthen your body, sharpen your thing-moving skills).  Everything you do, or try to do, is creating change.  Even things you do to try to prevent change (e.g. paying your rent to prevent yourself from being evicted) can be viewed from a perspective of changing the course of events which would transpire (contrary to your will) if you didn’t intervene.  Life is nothing but directed change.

This got me to thinking further that change’s opposite is stasis, and sometimes we use stasis (as in the example of continuing to pay rent on a regular basis to prevent an undesired eviction).  Life, and the execution of one’s will, is a carefully controlled balance of using change to bring about desired events and using stasis to maintain desirable conditions once created.  In a sense, the change/stasis duality is all that exists, the opposing forces that compose the universe.  We know scientifically that the universe is on a path to heat death, and this “entropy” means that we expect stasis to win out.  But all life is an agent of change.  I note that this change/stasis dichotomy resembles the concept of order (or law) vs. chaos, but it’s not the same -- change needn’t be chaotic, and indeed we often seek a more ordered state with our changes.

So, I’m taking these ideas and focusing on my will.  Motivation, the drive to act, would seem to be one of the most important aspects of magick given the concepts laid out above, as again, everything is you do is just a form of creating change, and since magick is just creating change in accordance with your will, everything you do is magick.  Don’t just work the spell, actually do the work -- that’s part of the spell, too!  (As an aside, this all works really well with my atheistic leanings.)  I am finding this helpful in persuading myself to do the thing, whatever it may be.  If it’s my will that it should happen, then I should do everything I can to create the change in accordance with that will.  To do anything else would just be leaving magick on the table.  (It is worth noting that before this can happen, it’s important to figure out exactly what your will *is*.)

I dreamed that I got back in touch with a woman, a former FWB (in the dream, anyway, I don't think she's anyone I've ever known IRL) who posted on the internet looking for me and I happened to find the post. I turned up somewhere I knew she'd be and she recognized me, we were happy to reconnect. :) We wanted to spend time together but kept getting interrupted (her dad showed up, my car got broken into, etc.). But I was just happy to see her, and overjoyed that she wanted to see me, even if we couldn't arrange any alone time together.

It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but it has. I have been trying to get past my resistance and write something for a few weeks now, watching this task carry over from day to day on my to do list. I guess I feel less need to write here while employed, and I've been employed for nearly five continuous years now. I helped build a tiny little startup into a going concern that got acquired by a giant multi-national finance company whose name is probably in most Americans' wallets. Maybe that's not too shabby a job I've done for Artemis, eh?

Since the beginning of the year I've been focusing on The Only Skill (see my pinned post for context) and having moderate success with it. I have yet to succeed at moving the biggest rocks in my path, but I am making some progress on my backlog of to do list items and re-energizing parts of my life that have lain fallow or received minimal attention since before the pandemic. I am eating less, moving more, have lost some weight, going out more, connecting with people more, focusing on work more, and just generally causing change to occur in accordance with my will more. I've also been falling asleep much more easily since discovering Yoga Nidra. Recently it's been rare that I try to sleep and fail (knock on wood). That leaves not trying to sleep early enough as the main barrier to my getting enough rest, but I'm even making some change in that arena.

I have been far less religiously-minded for the past few years, but I still think about Artemis and Aphrodite a lot (I have less need to think of Athena as I am already fairly well in tune with her) and burn the occasional candle. I still think about the challenge/opportunity Aphrodite sent me in September 2019 and how badly I failed at it. Keeping my eyes (and maybe my heart?) open for the next one. I have some coming up, I think.

I never wanted to work. Ever. Not even a little bit. This is why Artemis and I don't get along very well. (Well, okay, ONE of the reasons, anyway.) Any work I have ever done in my life has been done in spite of an intense desire to NOT be doing so. It's a constant effort to do what I don't want to do. I have been fortunate to have had pretty easy jobs (or at least, jobs that come easy to me in particular) in my life that compensate very well, but I rarely give them my all and I desperately don't want to. Occasionally I do, in an emergency, to meet a deadline, or whatnot, but most days I struggle to force myself to do the bare minimum and barely succeed -- or maybe don't succeed. Work is a four-letter word. I don't know why I hate it so much, but I do, and I always have.

I'm alive.

Things are mostly alright.

The pandemic didn't hit me as hard as it did most people.

I'm actually in a pretty good place wrt mental health right now.

I'm still single. Still trying to get help from Aphrodite and Artemis. Not making a ton of progress on that front. The pandemic kind of shut me down as far as that goes.

I've been dealing with my health, making repairs to my teeth and eyes with the assistance of the appropriate kinds of doctors so that both keep working.

Burning scented candles for Artemis and Aphrodite to keep focus on being productive and improving my social life.

It's ironic that the event that prompted me to make a point of getting out more occurred shortly before the pandemic. It reminds me of the speaking part from Bo Burnham's All Eyes On Me:

"I got so much better, in fact That in January of 2020 I thought, "You know what? I should start performing again" "I've been hiding from the world and I need to re-enter" And then, the funniest thing happened"

Anyway. Life is different now. I am more reclusive, which is... contrary to my goals here. But I feel better. I get more sleep because I can sleep later. Working from home saves me an hour a day and allows me to take care of things around the house more easily. I've gotten things done recently that had sat on my to-do list for, well, a LONG time.

Lots of things are better, but the one thing that matters to me most is not. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I've been trying to put words to screen for a while now, so this post is a mark of progress on some front, too.

It’s easy to let my focus slip, as I can tell myself that my pantheon is in all things (or at least all good things), and consequently any part of my life that I put my focus on is divine.  But in order for it to be good for me, that focus needs to be in balance.  Not too much of the bits that I naturally gravitate toward, and not too little of the bits that I naturally avoid.

So, in quarantine, I’ve been struggling with being productive.  I have a job that can be done 100% online, but I’m struggling to to focus on it.

I’ve started lighting a candle every day, inscribed with the sigil of one of my three goddesses, the one I feel I most need to focus on.  Recently it’s been Artemis every day.  For me her portfolio includes industry, discipline, getting things done, focusing on that which is necessary and productive even if not pleasant.

I went for a walk today.  Exercise is also an Artemis thing for me.  I haven’t left my condo except to take out the trash or get the mail since March 20th.  Today I took a quick half mile walk around the block at Artemis’s behest.  More soon, I’m sure.

My Artemis candle, burning for most of the day at the center of my kitchen table, reminds me when I should be working.  Sometimes I get other reminders, too.  I ordered lunch on DoorDash today and my Dasher’s name was Diana (Roman for Artemis).  Thanks for the reminder.  :D

I had the desktop backgrounds on my PC set up to cycle through logos for a project I was working on, but that project is on a back burner now, so I’ve replaced them with images of Artemis, Aphrodite, and Athena.  Statues, paintings, illustrations, pretty much anything except real people in costume.

I’ve ordered some small statues.  It’s a full set of 12 Greek gods.  Too bad nine of them are destined to sit in the drawer.  :D  But it’ll be nice having one more physical representation.

I had been hoping, with the project I mentioned being back-burnered, I would be able to go out more, meet more people, maybe go on dates.  But the workload on that project subsided *just* as COVID-19 hit, so instead I’m more isolated than ever.  :D  It’s a good thing that being alone doesn’t bother me like it does some people.  While romantic isolation pains me deeply, lack of platonic contact is an agreeable state.  In any event, it’s a tough time to work on my connection to Aphrodite.

And Athena is ever there.  It’s as if I live with her, and only visit the others.  She permeates my world, tinging everything I do with thought.  I feel like I’m a creature of Athena and a stranger in the lands of Artemis and Aphrodite.  I don’t speak much about Athena because she’s my default state, always there, like the air I breathe.

I keep coming back to write though I have little to say.  Finances are slowly improving, other areas of my life aren’t.  They’re not getting worse either, just...  stagnating.  Work takes a lot of time, and I’ve got a personal project that takes a lot of what’s left.  The weather has been horrific here recently (over 90F most days, sometimes over 100F, and I’m adapted for less than 70F), and that discourages me from getting even a nominal amount of exercise.  I don’t meet a lot of new people except Lyft drivers, which doesn’t really help my social/romantic life.  I have managed to free up a little bit of time by no longer needing to run a D&D game every other week, but I often find that chunk of time (a few hours on a Sunday) isn’t usable for much other than catching up on sleep in any case.

Basically, I am holding on and looking forward to the summer when I can stop hibernating and do things because going outside will stop making me want to die.

My prospects on OKC rarely change, and I rarely message anyone there (although I am currently paying for a membership).  I have more matches on Match, but I suspect they’re not as well-suited.  Still, I could be wrong -- maybe I should message people there.  It’s just such an emotional drain for me to do that.  Forcing myself to reach out in that way is a Herculean effort which almost never pays off.

The platonic side of my social life is fine, as usual -- I see my friends regularly, and do the same stuff regularly.  Maybe a little too routine?  But I’m not about to mix it up in the summer when I hate everything.  :P  I’ll go to TwitchCon next month, maybe, that will improve things a bit maybe.  I should look into what other conventions I can go to in the fall or the winter, too.

I’ve also considered going to a professional conference in October, especially if I can hire someone to cover for me while I’m gone.  :D  (I’m finally in a position where I get to hire people.  This is new and different and I have no idea how to do the thing.  I’ll figure it out, though.)  Kinda mapping out a thing or two to do every month to help keep myself sane.  Ooh, I wanted to get my passport renewed, too, so I can travel internationally.  Will have to get that done.

Can’t wait for fall and winter.

I’ve fallen pretty far behind on just a few of the things I want to keep up with (including writing here), but I’m catching up.  Today has been pretty productive so far, and I’m only three hours in.  I think that’s about all I need to express.  I note I haven’t addressed Aphrodite, Artemis, and Athena in this, but of course they are always present, and I speak of them indirectly in terms of relationships, health, and wealth.

I went to visit friends and family out-of-state last weekend, so forgive my absence then.  This weekend I’m getting caught up on things that fell behind while I was gone.

The definition of magic I subscribe to is “Magic is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will.”, quoted from Liber Null by Peter J. Carroll.  I try to keep my focus here, and maintain awareness that this quote says nothing of mystical forces or any particular belief system or way of perceiving or interacting with the world, mundane or otherwise.  Any time you’re causing change to occur in conformity with your will, you’re doing magic.  This can be very simple and very mundane: scooping the kitty litter box is magic.  The house smells, the box is full, I scoop it, add some clean litter, and take the offending matter to the garbage can outside.  Poof, magic -- my house smells better and my cat is happier.  (And immediately soils the litter box again, but that’s fine -- that’s what it’s there for.)

In the past three months, I’ve worked some magic in my working life (got a job and am doing well at it), and some in my platonic social life.  My health seems to be declining despite greater effort on my part (more physical activity due to new employment), so more magic needed there?  I guess?  Ritual exercise.  :\  But my love life, the point of my petitioning Aphrodite, remains inert.  What should I do?

My finances are slowly improving, and I’ll be continuing to improve them as work and paychecks continue.  I’m in a lot of debt right now, but cash flow is positive so it’s just a matter of time.  The company I work for is doing very well and I am contributing to that materially, and greater opportunities lie ahead in that regard, so Artemis and I seem on good terms in that realm.  Athena has taken a back seat (oddly), but remains present and interactive, as knowledge work is in her domain.

I saw a study that said that most couples meet online now, which leaves me puzzled as to where and how.  I’ve had the most dating success with Craigslist Personals, and now that it’s gone, the online dating landscape seems desolate.  I don’t know what to do with that.  I’ve been ready for my next relationship for quite some time, but finding it has me completely stumped.  The only thing worse than being single is looking for someone.  :\

Anyway, now that I’ve got some financial breathing room, I have more ways of creating change at my disposal.  Money, too, is a tool of magic -- a powerful tool of magic in many cases, and like other forms of magic, can be used for good or for evil.  I can improve my wardrobe, my living space, my diet, my technology, and so forth.  Working on those things gradually.  I’m low on time, though.  That’s always the trade-off.  Time OR money, never both.  :\  Between work, a side-project, housework, and maintaining my platonic relationships, I’ve little time to do much else.  But I’ve got to keep trying to figure out how to.  Having one area of my life so far out of balance is really not good for my mental health.

At least, that’s about how long it’s been.

I am not seeing too many encounters, overtures, or opportunities from Aphrodite yet.  Maybe some here and there.  Maybe I’m bad at recognizing them.  But it’s hard for me to connect with people or...  be interested in them.  With a lot of my time going to Athena and Artemis these days, other areas of my life are improving, but I’m left with little time and energy for Aphrodite.  But it was on her advice that I went to work for Artemis, so I guess I need to trust that and try to figure out how to make the time I need for Aphroditean pursuits.

Work is going well.  That much is nice.  Finances aren’t in order yet, but just need some shuffling to get them on the right track.  If I can make a few phone calls during business hours, I should be able to make some significant advances in that area.  Not sure if money matters are more an Athena thing or more Artemis -- I lean toward Artemis for the practical execution side of it, but there’s a lot of wisdom and shrewdness and prudence required, so Athena has her hand in it for sure.  In any event, moving in the right direction.  And I feel drawn to even more Athenian pursuits -- learning more about the technologies I use at my job would be helpful.

Career-oriented industry aside, I need to increase my attention to fitness-oriented industry.  I’ve got weight that needs losing and strength that needs training and just generally I’m not happy with how my body looks and, more importantly, feels right now.  I don’t think my diet is *too* crazy right now, but I get almost no exercise, so that’s a problem that definitely needs fixing.  I hate exercising with a passion.  In some ways, my relationship with Artemis is worse than with Aphrodite; the difference is I don’t mind so much.  :D  I want a solid love life, but fitness and industry just don’t rate with me.  :P  But it’s all interconnected, I suppose, so I will grudgingly get some exercise if I must.

Relationship-wise, not much to report.  No new sparks with anyone.  Someone replied to a personal ad I put on Reddit recently, but I don’t feel much of a connection when we chat, so I doubt that’s going anywhere.  No news on OKC or elsewhere.  I plan to freshen up my ad soon, maybe that will help.  I ran what I thought was my best photo through a photo rating service and it came back with pretty poor results.  Maybe better photos would help.  :\  I’ve always thought of myself as average-looking, but the rating service seems to disagree.  :P

How I feel overall about these areas of my life: Health: 3/10 Ugh. Wealth: 6/10 Headed in the right direction but not there yet. Relationships: 2/10 Platonically, things are fine, but romantically, well, I guess I haven’t earned Aphrodite’s favor yet.  :P Average: 11/30 = 3.67/10

Maybe I’ll rate that every time and see how it changes over time.  I didn’t realize things were quite so bad -- on the day-to-day, I’d say my mood is around a 6/10, so it’s surprising that when I break it down, things don’t actually seem that great.  :D

I missed my appointment to write last weekend, but here I am, back again.  Can’t let it slide for too long.

I’m getting used to the new job -- three weeks in now, doing the work of Artemis and Athena at Aphrodite’s bidding.  I feel a bit disappointed, maybe even bait-and-switched, though.  One of the reasons for seeking employment was interaction with more people, including more potential dates/partners.  But on the contrary, I work in a very small workplace with only people of the gender I’m not attracted to, so my daily routine doesn’t afford many opportunities for Aphrodite to help me in the way I’m looking for.  The only new people or female people I tend to encounter in a day are either servers at restaurants I’m dining at or people driving my Lyft.  Not really ideal.

After work, I have alternating weeks of extreme busy-ness and less busy-ness.  I think I need to figure out what I can do with those less-busy weeks to meet some new people.  I paid for an OKCupid account, but it’s not helping much.  Maybe Match would?  The online dating industry seems to have mostly standardized on that one platform, which I’m not super-impressed with, but the sites that I used to like (CraigsList’s personals section and OKCupid-That-Was) have changed dramatically for the worse or for the non-existent.  Tinder results in few matches and no sparks, ditto Bumble...  I started signing up for Hinge at one point, but never finished.  Maybe time to go do that?  I dunno.  It’s never been easy, and I’ve never been good at it, but it seems harder now.

Not a lot to talk about outside of work.  It takes up most of my time -- worst thing about work!  I still work on my podcast in between work, and I’ll be running a D&D game for my group soon.  Again, small group of the wrong gender.  I wish I enjoyed hobbies where you meet new people.  :D  For that matter, I wish I liked people.  That’s really the root of the issue, I think.  I’m trying to find a person I like, but looking is unpleasant precisely because I don’t like most people.  Introvert dating struggles.

Anyway, I’m doing the thing that Aphrodite asked of me, but it’s not turning out to be as helpful as I thought.  It’s certainly a little bit helpful -- having employment tends to be seen as a desirable trait, and having the money to go do things will help with dating, but the biggest change I was hoping would result from employment was encountering potential dates more often, and, well...  so far, almost no improvement in that category.  How do I meet interesting, datable  people?

I sleep more easily now, but mostly that’s because I am completely exhausted at the end of the day and I don’t get enough sleep six days out of seven.  I tend to sleep till noon Saturday morning (almost twelve hours) just to make up the cumulative sleep debt from a week of waking up at ass o’clock in the morning, against the wishes of my late chronotype and my greater-than-average need for sleep.  Kinda reduces the time available for me to get stuff done on Saturday, but sleep is more important after a week of work.

That should make Artemis happy, Athena seems pleased, and hopefully it will help improve things with Aphrodite as well.  Not sure yet, as having employment didn’t help *too* much over the time I spent at my last job, but having money to spend helped more than having to conserve it, so there’s that.  The flip side is that I have much less time now, and more stress, and my workplace is almost all male and not public-facing, so I don’t really come into contact with single women in the course of my job.  Still, it’s more likely than it was when I was spending 24 hours a day in my apartment, so...  baby steps?

I haven’t gotten my first paycheck yet, and I’m still adjusting.  Not a lot of mental space for my pantheon in the average day, so I’m making this time to write here today (Sunday) to reassure them that I’m here, and even when I’m not communicative, I’m working on the things they have recommended I work on.  Perhaps I’ll make it part of my practice to update here weekly.  I guess that’s why most religions have a holy day each week -- it’s helpful to have a set time to focus on spiritual matters even if they manage to elude you the rest of the time.  :\

Falling asleep has been easier of late.  I am working on getting to bed by midnight each night (with a little wiggle room -- it counts if I get off of my computer at midnight and go do my bedtime routine, even if it means I’m not in bed till 12:15 or so).  I’m succeeding more than half the time, but some nights I just have too much to do.  This coming week should be easier; my weeks alternate between way too busy and fairly free.  I’m working on switching up my schedule a bit to ease the busy weeks when I can.  In any event, midnight still isn’t perfect -- with my alarm set for 7:30, that only gives me seven and a half hours of sleep, and I need more than the traditional eight to actually feel rested.

Even though it’s Sunday, I’m actually still coming off of the busy week -- it’s a busy Sunday.  I still feel stressed and rushed and pressured because having a job eats up so much time.  I’ll need to figure out how to deal with that better.

I also won’t be staying at this job as long as I did my last one.  I was there for seven and a half years, and in retrospect, I should have taken my five-year jacket as a sign that it was time to move on.  I’m going to review my employment with a more critical eye once a year going forward and try and pick a better moment to move on.  Maybe I’ll jump to another company and keep working -- one of the reasons I didn’t quit my last job sooner is that I like to take time off between jobs, and wanted more time to build up savings to live off of in the interim.  But they say a change is as good as a rest -- if I had worked three jobs for two years each, I could have taken time off a year and a half sooner, and likely would have had more savings to show for it, given that in my industry most people get raises primarily by switching jobs.