love conquers

@camelehon for minsoo! )

through drought and famine, natural disasters my ???? has been around for me

hanna deals with things pretty well. meaning, she deals with them in ways that people can’t tell. in ways that no one can see. that’s how she keeps her vulnerability in check. that’s how she acknowledges it and shields herself at the same time. makeup on her face but circles under her eyes that she nods at first. 

she thinks, in hindsight, that she might handle things a little backward. meaning, she’ll have a hundred cuts but handle the gash. that works. that’ll keep her alive even if she’s still hurting. that’s what she should do. the incident hasn’t crossed the forefront of her mind recently, so she thinks she’s won. thinks that because she no longer wakes up in sweat, or the barrel of a gun disappearing when her hand reaching for her own pulls her out her nightmare.

she wonders, how she might’ve done this right. how she could’ve prevented smaller cuts turning into open canyons. releasing the pain so loud and wild that it suffocates her. slowly, but tightly. she wonders, how it might’ve been avoided.

because it’d started off fine. started with her diving back into school, doing makeup especially nice for class and dressing exceptional. being her so that no one would think she wasn’t. so that she couldn’t admit to the kidnapping changing her, stripping her of anything she had. it continued with her talking about it, to her father of course, to her tutors in the estate, not quite to all of them but some of them. laughing when she needed to and yelling when she needed to. she took pride in saying she handled it maturely. took pride in the strength her father said he saw.

it’d started and continued just how it should. no bottled despair and no cocooned frustration. so hanna’s struggling to find the disconnect. when she has no more nightmares but no sleep. when she’s been in the library so much staring at piled assignments until her eyes water from the light. when she can’t find anything soothing and doesn’t know why she needs it.

when the only permanence right now isn’t the music blasting from earbuds but the figure before her. permanence that starts to playback. to the first few days. when she was getting accustomed to the life she chose, nights of training and field runs with her father and mornings of studies and friends. the tutor that started to fit and wedge between the two. thrown into unfortunate circumstances and thrown with her, thrown but never leaving. 

hanna has seen minsoo through all of it. not just the kidnapping but the aftermath, when she pulled herself through classes when her father insisted she take days. when she insisted minsoo take days off himself. seen him falling asleep in the library, drained from mundane things that she’s started to forget in order to forget everything that happened. he has remained and it may not be on purpose but he has remained.

and he’s here, albeit a little blurry as her eyes start to water but he’s here. they might have tutoring today, she can’t recall. she has something to do today but nothing is really cooperating. not her hands to remove the books from her eyes, or the earbuds that are suddenly too low even though they’re turned on high.

she wills her body to stay upright, hopes that only she notices her sway.

maybe it’s that same permanence that makes him see. makes him reach forward, close all the books and slide them over. "you’re wasting time just staring at the books if you won’t bother to retain it.”

he reaches over to turn the music down. “we’re in the library, your music’s distracting.”

if she wants to manage a nod it doesn’t come out right, words won’t either.

oooooh, who would’ve thought i’d get you

no one else has really noticed. whether it be by proximity or because of how easily hanna splits her worlds. splits them and sometimes forgets to spend enough time in the other.

“finals aren’t meant to be this stressful.” and it’s silly. silly because she’s tackled everything else, handled everything that no one in this school could dream of. but she’s overwhelmed and it makes her static while the world keeps moving. minsoo, he keeps moving, though to her he’s remained in the same spot. “you slacked on your studies so they’re going to be a pain but not this stressful.” and hanna thinks she knows what he means by that, doesn’t really get it until there’s a few napkins on the top of her hand and a few droplets that make them cling to it.

she hasn’t cried. not at school anyway. she’s only allowed vulnerability in one area, so now it’s spilling over.

minsoo is there until he isn’t and she thinks this might be it. might be where she draws the line between the two worlds. might be where she’s not too comfortable doing both, or being both. then there’s something warm pressed to her hand. her fingers curl around it just as his image starts to fall back into view. 

“you’re gonna need it, we’ll be up all night.”  the smell of caramel and coffee, and the taste, starts to combat the salt of tears on her lips. 

she’s been doing this a bit backwards, she’ll acknowledge that. that maybe she should handle the easy things first, like design finals and economics class. and that she doesn’t have to tackle the entire war before her home’s clean and clear. that she can be this first before she’s her father’s daughter. she’ll acknowledge all of it later. but right now she’s got two finals tomorrow and a cup of coffee to help.

'okay.’

@camelehon for hayeon! }

sweet, a little selfish. //

she’s a little rough on the edges, jae will admit that. she’ll admit it about herself too. but sometimes, the kindness about hayeon is what blurs around the edges. in early mornings when jae’s slumped over the counter, searching for her mug and the pitcher. early mornings when her eyes won’t peek just yet and she relies on the smell of oak to wake up. when hayeon tells her she should have this down by now, waking up early and opening shop. because ‘you’re the one who wanted a breakfast and dinner pub’ she’ll say. 

and jae will whine, like everyday, drag her body around the pub, as the sun starts to kiss it’s corners. whine when hayeon dodges her kisses and she only gets the corner of air where she was once standing.

when the mug reaches her hand first and the pitcher is far. when there’s chai reaching her senses, a little too hot but sweet enough for jae to melt fully against the counter. because the sound of hayeon pouring coffee for the early morning customers makes her body relax with love. relax and slump over hayeon when she walks over. when she moves her face, complaining the kisses are too sugary and jae just laughs into her neck. laughs as hayeon ushers her to the back cabin, ordering someone to cover the morning shift.

and the afternoon and maybe the night.

because sleepy jae with her collarbones open to the sun is ‘dangerous’. and jae lets it slide. the customers will be fine today. she thinks it again on days like this when hayeon’s focused on her and those rough edges really do blur into the day and the sheets.

green, a little jealous. //

haeyon’s subtle too. always has been subtly and commanding about her way and her presence. how she doesn’t say much, keeps to her work when she’s not at her desk and uses space to her advantage. how she doesn’t take up much room, doesn’t move much but jae catches everything she does. always finds herself looking in the woman’s direction, always drawn to what she’s doing even if it’s nothing at all. even if it gets her a few spilled glasses of water, or a little nudge to move out her space.

jae’s always been pretty bold so she can’t help it.

it’s when hayeon’s the opposite. when she’s quick and quiet about things. about the little growl that leaves her lips when an old regular returns for the summer. conveniently, she’ll mutter as jae readies his order. little things that jae will catch but not comment on. rest her chin deep in the scent of oak before she’s hurrying back to her orders.

and it’s always subtle. unlike that bold compliments others will give her, or the bare display of attraction. hayeon is subtle even when she’s seething. when jae scurries back to grab another pitcher and a hand fits into the dip of her back. fingers tug and she complies, for a quick one. the kiss is always quick but hayeon’s eyes are always on someone when she does it, and jae’s always holding back laughter.

in this space with you. //

cafe asks w/ taeyang!

@camelehon for taen! )

who do you call for?

it’s unspoken, and painfully kept. left raw in the throat and ringing in his ears. taen’s voice is as it’s always been, primal and piercing. taen’s voice is overpowering and powerless from it’s use. taen’s voice is everything that fills his restless nights. where others will groan and toss until he comes, she’ll wail and she’ll wild black and red into his head until he comes.

and when he does, when he’s dragged over, pulled by cords that threaten to break, she smiles.

she smiles like she doesn’t know. smiles like it’s a game she has full control over, like his walking out the door won’t shred the cords. like there’s no part of her that already feels shredded and dead to everything around her.

he’ll stand and wait. for a signal, for a word, for any acknowledgement of anguish. but she smiles. she’s always smiling through it. he imagines her teeth red with the blood of false conquest. in this game she continues to think she’s winning as her soul gives way. in this game he lets her think of her victory as a sweet pain.

who do you call for?

she doesn’t ever respond to him. sometimes she puts cigarettes in his hand, sometimes she throws the bottles his way. sometimes she tries to drown first, doing his job before he gets there, acting like she doesn’t need him around. like she hasn’t called him around before. dio lets her. lets broken glass glide across his shoes, lets cigarette ashes die on his arms. 

he waits, and listens.

mouth closed, she still screams at him. eyes closed she cries dry and rough. and it’s a sight to see. it’s a beauty for some, to be as desolate as she must feel. but he can’t feed on that, not for long, not for his own sanity. 

he still listens. still answers the pull when she tugs.

it’s not completely pointless. everyone calls him a bit differently and dio doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of the differences. of the nuances that make each human individual. he doesn’t get tired of knowing when it’s taen or when it’s the girl below his apartment for the fifth time that night. he won’t get tired of it. of the smell of alcohol, soaking in skin and blood under nails and behind teeth. he won’t get tired of the life he lives, and it’s that sickening thought that reminds him who he is.

when he smiles and asks her again. this time with his mouth moving, feet hurrying and hands in her hair. running, threading all while he waits. all while he listens and asks again. voice silent but head blaring.

who do you call out for? 

“no one.”

taen’s voice is, overused, raspy and rung empty. but she still spits it out, still refuses the truth that’s on the edge of her tongue. she sees through him, head back, knife in her hand and blood on her knees. sees through but leans into the touch in her hair, rejects him verbally but physically, mentally, refuses to let him go.

that’s fine.

dio succumbs to the pull finally, when her hands reach for her hair and start to dig in his arm instead. it’s fine. however they pull, however they call. the desperate ones always call for him, and he always answers.

‘areum are you going to the game this weekend? need a date?’ ‘hey areum wanna come with me to the third-year casting tournament tomorrow?’ ‘hey areum some people are going to diagon alley to shop?’ ‘areum, we still studying tonight?’

areum is busy. busy and popular might not mean the same thing, but they sure do go hand in hand. early check in with her prefects on gryffindor levels, then practice for their rugby team. after that is class, class and more class. class until she’s annoyed, class until professor snape is knocking on her desk, class until her potions turn the color her hair used to be. it’s blonde now but she misses the pink.

really she misses the memories of it. of playing around when she should’ve been studying, tutoring in fact. misses how there was a few tickling first and laughter next. mixes how the first pink was on her cheeks, red from the laughter, caught in the blur. she remembers how when the dust settled and his hair was pink. remembers how she couldn’t laugh how she wanted. how hushes in the sixth year potions room became hands on each other’s mouths while they hid from snape. 

she doesn’t quite miss detention but she misses it with him, when she revealed her hair was pink as an apology and they laughed so much they got detention for another week. 

the semester hadn’t gone by as fast as she though, hadn’t blurred into the warm way the days with him have. she can’t change that much either, can’t go back and make it fast. can’t go back and fit him into the moments she’d wished. like failing her first potions test, because life as a fourth year isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. like the day she gained gryffindor fifty points for winning her derby. like the day she got lost by the east corridors and forgot the trick he’d taught her when they snuck out from the peak.

areum misses him, and it shows in all the declined offers. all the shakes of her head, apologetic smiles and the shuffle she takes to get out the castle. shows in how her usually busy week has dwindled down to late night studies in the library, into slowly disappearing from the sights of her classmates. this is the first time they’ve seen her in over a month, only as a tuft of blonde traveling through the halls. ignoring professor telling her not to run and almost tripping over her scarf while it falls to the side. all she can do is throw answers while she runs, ‘maybe next time’, next week for sure’, ‘not tonight’ because this night’s about something more.

about all the time’s she’s missed and all she can make up with what little time she has left.

she’s stumbling out to the corridor when she meets him. scarf fastening back around her neck with the simple whisper of a spell. and there he is.

‘no running in the halls fourth year.’ she entertains him, the small roll of her eyes that he can read better than anyone. entertains but stands her ground, keeps her firm gaze. “you’re late.” ‘some of us have obligations you know.’ “what’s that? I think minseok asked me to a bonfire tonight-----”

she’s in his arms before she can play it off. before she can really get the words out and before the memory can really be gone. the scarf starts curling around both of them, an act she knows too well and tries to hide her grin in.

‘i’m late i’m late but i’m here.’ and he is. and all the days flow back. “you’re here.” ‘you’re blonde.’ “i’m blonde.”

‘i missed you.’ and areum’s pretty good with her words, always bold and fiery like the ones in her house. daring and getting everything out that she wants. these words however, don’t need to be spoken. rather, she’s speaking in grips against his forearm, in small breaths of relief, in how her body relaxes finally. “we have a bonfire to get to.” ‘great, let me meet minseok while i’m there.’ “kwon soonyoung.” ‘i’m kidding. i’m kidding.’

june: gryffindor.

a hatstall. meaning it was somewhere between hufflepuff and gryffindor but i firmly believe the hat heard him whispering for hufflepuff and decided to make things hard for him and shoved him into gryffindor. he fits both pretty well but hufflepuff easier.

a quidditch player and a damn good one. the youngest on the team and the baby. gets teased a lot by his teammates but they all spoil him and coddle him, especially because he spends so much time in slytherin.

he has a lot of friends in hufflepuff though, he doesn’t vibe well with a lot of gryf’s, except the team ones. they tell him he’s got too much huffle in him and it’s true. but he’s friendly and he’s pretty big in stature so they don’t pick too many fights. and they love him when he helps score winning games.

he’s decent in his studies he just doesn’t have much interest in them. he does love hitching rides on the griffith in the middle of the night.

[ x so the song is about a guy playing three girls but i had a different idea for the lyrics yes ] ( @camelehon o/ )

“my man is my man is your man heard that’s her man too.”

 / @camelehon

minzy // loving like him she’s a pro and smiling at him like it’s still day one. minzy’s the surprising, the unexpected, expected. minzy’s the honeymoon phase in corner snuck kisses. with arms wrapped around him like everyday is all the time in the world and they’ll never leave the beginnings. a love blossoming even while they’ve already blossomed. minzy kisses jb just how the blush rises to her cheeks, quick and without reserve. she’s the valentine that makes everyday feel like one. she’s the sundress and cheek kisses, but she’s the body dress and body kisses.

hyungwon // loves a little gentler, but less carefully. because he loves full and he’s never been quite used to it. with andrei he is becoming himself, and how he fits into loving someone. he’s the sweet and subtle valentine, the one that moves a little in the shadows, new mugs with a note attached, affection in longer kisses against the neck and all over. affection that starts to pour out more and more until it’s dinner on the table when andrei gets home and feeling new but feeling confident. hyungwon is the lover that grows into it but once he does he’s all out and all over it.

hanna // hanna loves, much softer than her personality. she doesn’t love as bold as she could, she crushes and dates like it. she’s bold with declarations, she’s confident in flirting but loving, growing to love, she’s hesitant. she’s less reckless and more calculating. she’s shy hands under the library table and kisses on cheeks right below scarves. she’s new love, a scared love but one that’s treasured and one she’ll only give to someone who could treasure it. she will love a little childish, for all the maturity she acts like she has, she’s still fierce blushes and whispered confessions.

taeyang // taeyang loves exactly how he is, with little surprises here and there. he loves gently and quietly, and anytime he can. just how he’s by hyunshik’s side anytime he can and as subtly and quietly as possible. he’s a shy lover, bold in actions and clumsy in execution. he’s little notes just like before, and wide smiles. he’s hands that are scared to hold but will hold tight when he can. he’s big bundled jackets with kisses behind scarves, sweet and a little bold. that’s the surprise. he’s a bright lover and that’s where his confidence is, valentines day is a joy, not a necessity but an indulgence, and something he tries to convince hyunshik of. 

joon // doesn’t know love, exactly. he’s had people who were supposed to teach it, teach it wrong. that’s why it’s always misplaced and always confused. that’s why it’s probably a blunt when she asks, an indulgence when she wants and words he says when he feels and doesn’t think. he’s never learned about responsibility in love, or consistency in it, he’s all touch and less feeling. he’s hands all over her but no words, spontaneous and just what the moment needs not so much what the soul needs. he knows parts of love without the necessity, or the commitment and it works for them, for now. works as it destroys because that’s all he’s known.

usually - what hyungwon wants he gets.

whether it’s big things like permission to pursue fashion and title as chief designer for pushBUTTON. he gets, he earns, because he tries. he tries and he learns and he uses all he has to make of himself, everything he wants to be.

there are smaller things. smaller in maybe comparison but bigger in other places. in heart for instance. some would say that in their situation it was a little reversed, whatever andrei wants he gets. because he works and grows and perseveres even without cards in his favor. 

there are some things hyungwon didn’t want that have found his way to him, crushing reputations and cameras being the negative, big hands in his hair in the morning being the positive. he usually gets what he wants and avoids what he doesn’t.

all he wants right now is to fall back asleep.

but he can’t because the kitchen smell always reaches to the far corners of the bedroom, light bouncing from corner to corner, off her ruffles in the sheets, off empty spaces next to him and hwan’s fur curled into the covers. right now, the only negative is the lack of heat, a missing silhouette.

he wants to get up, feels a little sore kink in his back that could use some stretching. he needs to get up, he has a schedule today, not too extensive but always important. he should get up, andrei’s food is better eaten hot. but instead he curls back, lets hwan pad up to his chest and his body dip into the pillow and the sheets. still smells like cologne, could be him too, he smells of andrei’s cologne too and while he should take a shower he’ll stay put for now.

‘you’re still in bed.’ “i am.” he doesn’t even turn to the voice. knows that any view of andrei dressed and holding anything - kitchen utensils, the frying pan, coffee, hwan for heaven’s sake - will have him slinking out of bed. so he stays in his spot, curled and holding hwan who would betray him for a second if their spot wasn’t so warm.

‘you have meetings today don’t you?’ “you don’t right?”

that stumps andrei, hyungwon can hear it. because andrei is always quick, calculated and smooth but quick. hyungwon ears the shift, the press of his male’s hip against the wall.

‘i don’t.’ “then I don’t.”

he hears the laughter next, and is almost overcome with the need to have it beside him, against his ear, breath and all. that makes him huff small into the pillow. this, he’s still not used to. so far he’s good on acting on the impulses, the urges to just kiss and hug and pull when he wants. other times, when it’s just him and unprompted, it’s harder to act on. the need, is a little harder to admit.

‘you’re skipping your meetings today?’ “mhm.”

don’t ask why, is what he thinks next. don’t ask why, don’t ask why don’t -

'are you feeling okay?’ hyungwon’s so busy wishing for that, forming responses that don’t give him away, that he doesn’t hear the shuffle, or notice when hwan’s jumped from his cocoon. and it is a cocoon, a cocoon that andrei has to slip his hand past to rest his hand against hyungwon’s forehead.

he feels fine. physically. aside from the kink in his back and the rush of warmth that runs over his face, he feels fine. he’s fine.

‘you’re wrapped in covers, are you cold? ....are you sick?’ “i’m fine.” he knows how this will play out, andrei continuously checking him and eventually hyungwon spilling the reason for staying in bed. so he rises, moves his legs until they fall on the side of the bed and his face is pressed into andrei’s abdomen. “just tired.”

‘you move pretty fast for someone who’s tired.’ he hears the chuckle in andrei’s voice and suddenly hyungwon realizes there’s no hiding anything. there’s no even trying to. ‘you want to stay in bed don’t you?’ andrei’s hands are behind his ear now, playing with the hairs on his neck and making hyungwon curse ever admitting anything to him ever. “no. i’m tired. I had a long night.” god forbid he decide to look up and see the smug look on andrei’s face. pass. instead he decides to enjoy the feeling, andrei’s fingers still warm from whatever he was cooking and his skin relishing in all it’s craved. even if it’s just in bits.

‘you’re tired yeah? i’ll let you go back to sleep.’ and andrei, damn him, tries to move back and hyungwon, of course every fiber of his body betrays him because his arms move. they’re quick to move and wrap around the other’s waist, quick to help press his face further and muffle all he needs to say. “stay.”

‘you’re tired aren’t you?’ “i’m considering kicking you out.” hyungwon’ grumbling now, because he’s moved back, and the flush on his face is both annoyed and embarrassed. he’s moving back because andrei moves forward, letting hyungwon slide back under the covers and hovering over him. the feeling is instant, not satisfied but it’s there. andrei carries it with him and now it’s centimeters from it. hyungwon’s heart anticipates, and somehow, he feels it soften. feels his own scowl move bit by bit. especially after andrei leans down to kiss him. even more so the second time. ‘kick me out and you won’t be able to sleep will you?’ “i only missed you i don’t need you to fall asleep.” the response comes quicker than he’d like, not enough to cut it off, not enough to stop the exposure or the look andrei gives him as if he’s passed an exam he already had the answer key for. 

‘you missed me.’ “you can irritate me or keep kissing me, your choice.”

andrei reads less into the roll of hyungwon’s eyes but the small purse on his lips and the tug of his fingers in andrei’s side. the only thing hyungwon wants to do, is kiss his boyfriend silly, kiss him warm and rough and fall asleep until his phone finally annoys him enough to answer. andrei knows and he obliges.

it is not particularly upsetting for soonyoung to realize that the person at the other end of the line is no longer wrapped up in their conversation. there’s some sort of understanding lingering inside of the older boy that does not yearn to reprimand when hyun ceases to respond so soonyoung tosses his phone away and instead, attempts to focus on household chores one more time. it is a duty he’s always beating himself up over. the childish part thinks, his mother would be horrified if she were to see the current state his apartment is in. on the other hand, he himself thinks he’s just too tired to give a crap.

it is for that exact same reason that soonyoung’s own responses come delayed: the lack of motivation for anything other than sleep is what prompts him to get up and actually do something about it before he knocks out. when his phone starts blinking with unread messages, he’s in the midst of cleaning up the dishes and with sleep now simmering into the depths of a youthful mind, it’s not until fifteen minutes later that his phone finds its way back into his hands, teeth gnawing apologetically into his lower lip.

( kkt: hyun ) how else did you think you’d be going there? ( kkt: hyun ) you do know how to get there by train, don’t you? :|

he’s not sure if it’s concern or amusement that currently outweighs the other emotion when he stares at the phone in his hands, eyebrows furrowed as though he’s not capable of understanding such an innocent remark on hyun’s end. most colleges are highly sought after if they’re easier to reach by public transport and since soonyoung’s rather certain he’s never seen or heard about the younger owning a car, that seems like the only solution.

( kkt: hyun ) have you never been to campus before? you must have been there before at least once, right?! i know you take online classes but don’t you get all your stuff on site? ( kkt: hyun ) i’m really baffled right now

this is when the panic sets in. a quick settlement of unsettled nerves. pricks, stings, all certain and unwelcome.

because he doesn’t have his phone pinging constantly to focus on, because he doesn’t have a grounding and he feels everything around him begin to expand. everything hyun tries desperately to keep under wraps starts to unravel the minute soonyoung stops responding. the minute he can’t put all his energy into the phone, it jumps. he wishes that wasn’t the case but his mind is loose and now he’s off-track, off-balance and it’s starting to knock at the ceiling lamp. it’s starting to crackle in his ears and around the walls of the kitchen. jumping and tugging and fighting.

( kkt: neighbor hyung ) hyung,,,,,,you’re kidding right?????  you’re not serious about this [unsent]

the microwave beeps, then the sound of the oven on and off, and on and off, the light flickers next and that’s the easy part. he can handle the lights, he can’t handle the crackle the lights and the beeping. he can’t handle how free it all is, how confused it is. but he’s confused too, confused, worried, anxious with every tap of his feet against the floorboard. easy to sink in and consume him but not strong enough, not human enough. he’s too human to sink in and too inhuman to not need something, anything to keep him under control.

( kkt: neighbor hyung ) i can’t take the train i [unsent]

pacing works for a moment, for a second really. then the grinding, teeth against teeth as he walks faster, as sparks and static pick up against his shoes. because he’s thought of this, he swore he’d thought of this. he’d taken everything into account. how long the walk would take, what he would wear to ensure he didn’t draw any attention to himself, how he could maneuver to make sure he didn’t catch onto anyone. how to get to campus and how to get to the office. planned, calculated, and enough to set him at ease. 

( kkt: neighbor hyung ) hyung [unsent] ( kkt: neighbor hyung ) hyung please [unsent]

now with the balance off and his mind all a fuzz, hyun presses his fingers into the phone screen, mimics the tapping until it pops a familiar blue and he sees the telltale sign of a message.

the humour that came as if it tasted bitter. hayeon was used to that. yet here, where she could tell it was not simply sweet, she still couldn’t bring herself to feel sour at jae’s words. she couldn’t bring herself to feel sore at a lot of things no matter how she tried. the first sign that she’d been switching in this timeline was the morning she awoke to find that the pierced state of her cheeks bothered her. the first time she realized that pain was a bother, it upset her that she could feel the sting of it over and over and she’d pulled them out. watch the blood seep from her cheeks and how quickly the two dots they would have formed could she not heal spectacularly well had just : closed. 

but in all honesty, that was not the first sign, that was just the first one she recognized as a changing aspect. a major changing aspect. like when spring discards all the ice that covered the streets as if it never mattered, as if winter had never existed and made out of them drops of hope, washed away the chills for the heat to settle. “getting old isn’t just a physical experience, i can assure you that you have all the traits of someone who’s lived more than they should have. starting with–that habit of complaining about everything and finding most things that others would enjoy to not live with, quite–” she shook her head lightly, left to right, slight tilts they were in order to spit the word mockingly, “lame.” 

“heh, you’re calling me an old lady.” the kids around town, they go about saying things like that. about how hayeon moves and how hayeon conducts herself. the kids who haven’t yet found out what they are or who hayeon is. the kids who haven’t spent their first and last free summer followed by a painful winter. jae just smiles at things like that, welcomes their taunts and the shoos they get around the tavern from people who do know. let them live their ignorance she’ll say. let them be, she’ll beg. it’s what she wants to remember for as long as she can, when the seasons were just a blur as much as they were a moment, and that they didn’t drag. they don’t drag yet but she’s afraid of it dragging, of this dragging.

“or that I will soon have all the traits of someone who’s lived for years. really, I’d just like to see you with gray hair.” the closer jae gets to mentioning what terrifies her, the closer her fingers get to the knots in her hair. the closer she gets to pulling at it instead of letting the words strip out and leave her defenseless. she’s not worried about it around hayeon, that’s not the problem. she’s more worried about what it means to be bare about things like this. about their nature. it seems silly. seems like something everyone has forgotten.