*interview the writer //meme !

12. favorite book? 

atm Blood Child by Octavia Butler. It gave me a lot of perspective as a writer, brilliant stories from front til end, at one moment i felt like she was writing my life through one of her stories, it was eerily sentimental. 

10. talk about your writing. 

[exasperated sighs and dramatic groaning] …. ok. 

so, my writing for me when i grew up was essential. I mean i was basically non-verbal for a big chunk of my childhood so it served its purpose of getting my point across and unpacking all those things in my head. Then, in my early teens it became sort of dormant, I didn’t write for fun or to communicate until i was introduced to rp. But for majority of the time I was interested in writing my own stories and stuff so that helped to get the ball rolling again. And along the way I found my voice and the direction that I wanted to take my writing in. But, that comes with struggles like big sweat on balls type of struggles. Most of the time my anxiety eats away about 85% of the things I would like to share but the 15%  that gets away from anxieties choke hold I’m grateful for (no matter how i really feel about them). It’s gotten me opportunities in the past and I’ve met great people on here as well because of “my writing”..

 I mean don’t get me wrong, I really hate my writing , I go at it at a snails pace, it evades me, and I can’t seem to line it up how I want because I feel like I sound like some washed up two-timing Virginia Wolf wanna-be. But I also use this space to do exactly that. With my writing, I’m learning it’s okay to suck (even if it’s on the world wide web) because honestly no one is reading this shit and going to give me 10 grand and a Pulitzer prize for it (it would be NICE THO JS). but yeah my writing is going through a multitude of things and I’m okay with that. As long as I get it out, as long as I use this space how I want and as long as I try to improve when i can I think that’s whats truly important to me.

22. mcdonald’s or burger king?

there’s silence. the sound of his hand gliding across paper, the scribbles he makes every five seconds. scribbles and notes and the same nonsense he’s written for the past thirty minutes. 4men is playing, which hyungwon forces a smile down from because he doesn’t want to admit why he’s got such sappy music playing right now.

‘you’re going to ignore me now.’ the smile creeps up anyway. a breathless chuckle that he tries to keep to his mouth only, a real one would have his shoulders shaking as he tries to keep quiet. but hwan is asleep in his lap and he quite likes the feeling, needs the comfort.

“i’m not ignoring you, this draft is due in the morning.” ‘you’re the boss technically it’s due to you.’ “I can’t walk into the meeting with no spread.” he could. he’s done it before and despite the whispers that may have left the room, hyungwon made up for it in overwhelming competence. the kind of competence that a few mistakes couldn’tsome t possibly blemish his record. besides, he’s a little past worrying how others see his work ethic, he knows his capability better than anyone. and anyone who has anything to say about it, has experienced it firsthand.

‘you can.’ he imagines andrei’s face right now, all smug and wiggling his eyebrows at the phone. it makes him roll his eyes, scribbling again in the same corner of the sketchbook. designs are scattered across his desk but he’s paying them no mind. whether he’d like to admit it or not, all of his attention is directed to the phone. ‘you’re rolling your eyes but I know you'd rather talk.’ “I would.” 

by now they’re used to this, the shifts that have taken place since they started what they were. boyfriends, love entrepreneurs, lovers - hyungwon hasn’t found the right word for it. well he’s found several words for it in fact all of those words work - but he keeps getting embarrassed thinking about it, so he’s going to stop. but he’s not going to deny that andrei’s made him a little shameless. more than usual in fact. honest about the things that took several kisses and prompting to get out of him.

with so much distance between them hyungwon doesn’t mind it. he’s usually like this when andrei’s gone, usually not as accepting of it but he’ll acknowledge it late into the night. which is why the time zones makes it so easy for andrei to catch him like this. still, it doesn’t fail to catch the male off-guard which is why andrei is silent and hyungwon is the smug one.

‘you're doing this on purpose.’ “what?” he’s finally started again on organizing the papers, halfway through and believing he can get this finished in time to get sleep. ‘being cute.’ until that comes out and hyungwon can feel the heat in his cheeks. “i’m hanging up.” he’s not. of course he’s not. but he is standing up, and realizing he’s not getting through this night without some tea. ‘really? you called first.’ ”yeah, my finger hovered over your name.” green tea sounds like a good option. maybe even a chamomile, and he’s almost out of jasmine. he could use something really sweet but chai will keep him up. he’s fidgeting through the cabinets, bundled tight and shuffling around in his slippers. hwan is at his feet with each turn and probably waiting for the minute they hop in the bed.

‘thought you missed me.’ or maybe some wine. “I do.” some wine would do really good right now, at least he could have a suitable excuse for all this boldness that’s seeping out. hyungwon is bold yes, but only when he absolutely has to be, and he’d absolutely avoid the blushing if he could. “I need something sweet.” he says it quickly after, to stop any words that andrei could have ready to fire his way. ‘give me 8 hours.’ naturally, hyungwon should know he can’t really fight it or hide from it. andrei is always one step ahead, and got a firm grip on the things that make his heart soar. “you’ve got five minutes and after I drink this tea I’m sleeping.”

‘how about I save all I need to say for when I’m back home.’ “how about I not let you through the front door?” the chamomile helps, he feels himself smiling against the rim, swallowing all giddiness at andrei’s choice of words. how his home does feel a little empty without the other crowding close to him late at night. without the words close and breathed into his neck instead of over a wire. ‘someone missed me.’ hyungwon hears the grin. “stop grinning.” unsurprisingly he can’t swallow his own. ‘i can literally hear you smiling. it’s cute.’ it’s with that and hyungwon curling into the covers that he decides he’s had enough of the teasing. that and maybe the prospect of those eight hours coming by quickly if he sleeps. ‘you’re going to ignore me again, because I’m right?’

“i’m going to ignore you because I’m tired.” ‘surprised you can sleep without me cuddling you.’

‘don’t look now but tae’s about to lose his shit.’ “language please!”

taeyang’s not looking. whatever it is that has his partner thinking they can curse on shift, he’s not looking. it can be a lot of things, the pediatric ward always getting a little too full during summer time. another bicycle accident, maybe a sprain or two kids and a log the trilogy. whatever it is taeyang always keeps his composure. the worst thing about this job was seeing the scrapes and the tears. it takes a lot to really make him lose his shit so to speak.

either way, their shift’s coming to a close, a quick shift because of exams approaching soon. maybe that’s why jun’s so antsy. everyone’s gotten used to the student nurse’s way with words but even so - there are kids around.

he’s finished with his last rounds and has a quick assessment to do for his shift leader. but he’s about to turn and give jun a piece of his mind. or at least scold the older a little bit. but taeyang turns and he’s being turned and for a second he doesn’t know why. he’s just protesting and trying to still himself.

but the sight he sees is enough to get him to pause.

which is completely obvious and he should turn around right now. but of course jun is holding him in place, and snickers from the nurses finishing their rounds are heard from the corridor behind him.

everyone is out to get him. everyone, the hospital, the summer, the universe.

across from him, standing by the entrance to the waiting rooms is hyunshik. hyunshik is standing by the waiting room. the cute barista from down the street is standing in the hospital where he interns. by the waiting room. waiting on someone. possibly waiting on taeyang -----

okay maybe he’s waiting to be seen.

‘yeah sure he’s waiting to be seen by pediatric department.’ and suddenly taeyang is aware that he’s talking out loud again, and that he still hasn’t stopped staring. or even registered that hyunshik was staring back at him. hyunshik’s stare however, is what makes taeyang’s cheeks flare up. because yes the male has noticed him staring. and as always hyunshik looks great, looks like he just got off work and is still in a button up and khaki slacks. and he’s giving taeyang that look. the raised eyebrow look that makes him shiver from his toes up and oh - taeyang can’t do this.

‘yes you can, go say hi.’ he’s talking out loud again but he can’t be bothered.  “I’m on shift.” he’s actually done with his shift, but - ‘when has that ever stopped you from talking to him.’ true. “but it’s literally his job to talk to whoever comes in -” ‘and it’s your turn to talk to whoever needs help, now go assist!’

taeyang doesn’t even get to argue the statement before he’s being pushed forward. he tries to be as collected as possible, maneuvering around new and old patients. smiling at some and giving high-fives to eager ones. it makes it easier to swallow the lump in his throat when he gets closer to hyunshik. 

“hello sir, do you have an appointment or are you a walk-in?” ‘i’m about to walk right back out.’ “wait no,” taeyang wants to reach for his hand to stop him but freezes. luckily hyunshik freezes mid-walk and is looking back at him. taeyang breathes. “is everything okay hyung? did you come to visit someone? is someone sick?” taeyang freezes but naturally his words don’t, and concern takes precedence over his heart. 

‘yes everything’s fine. no, no one’s sick. and yes I came to visit someone.’ taeyang breathes a sigh of relief, a little disheartened that hyunshik would even know someone who has to stay in a hospital. he perks up though. “give me a second? I can look up the room and walk with you there!” he finds hyunshik surveying him for a second and taeyang wonders if he’s overstepped boundaries again. that maybe it’s personal who the older male is seeing and doesn’t really want the company. it wouldn’t bother taeyang in the slightest, it is his job to make sure everyone’s privacy and comfort is at it’s peak. ‘aren’t you working?’ hyunshik asks after a few minutes and taeyang just shakes his head, voice lowered as he brings himself down from his previous excitement.  “I’ve technically finished my rounds. I’ve been helping the others with their rounds for the last hour. Summer’s really busy for us and we get all the new student nurses too. I had a pre-assessment to do for my supervisor but that’s all. if you’re in a rush I can ask someone else to assist you?” In fact he’s making a move to do so, knowing jun hasn’t moved from his spot since he came over here. he doesn’t get the word out because hyunshik’s already stopping him.

“it’s fine. I’d rather you show me than the newbies I suppose.” the heat is back. the color in his ceeks, the lump in his throat, the idea that hyunshik’s okay with the idea. truthfully taeyang’s sure that hyunshik doesn’t hate his company. has even let him spends nights at the coffee shop when it’s just the two of them. even let him spend a few nights by his place, talking until the weather became unforgiving and taeyang bundled out.

now it’s summer and the shop is busy both night and day and taeyang’s schedule has changed considerably. 

still, he’s never sure where he stands. but he supposes at least being able to stand by hyunshik is alright.

“yeah sure, I- I’ll be back in a bit hyung!” and he’s off, purposely ignoring the look jun throws him. ‘I said talk to him, not throw heart eyes for thirty minutes.’ taeyang doesn’t dignify that with an answer. simply because his heart’s still pounding and turning to respond to jun would reveal just how red his face has gotten. “can’t wait until sooyoung sees you haven’t finished your rounds.” that gets jun cursing again but out of his hair. doesn’t stop the receptionist from giving him a little pinch as he hurries by. ‘that guy was cute tae!’ taeyang groans and jun cackles as they hurry into the office.

finishing the assessment doesn’t take long. it’s just allergies acting up and he’s shadowing the prescription procedure, high-fiving the seven-year-old as he runs out with his mom.

‘wait for it guys tae’s about to throw more heart eyes!’ taeyang ignores that one, busy grabbing his backpack and clocking out. he has his heart-eyes perfectly under control thank you.

or not.

because he’s walking out the back office and towards the waiting room. and hyunshik is already waiting, leaning against the receptions desk, eyes in his phone until he spots taeyang approaching. ‘all done?’ taeyang manages one nod. then two. then three before he’s coughing. “I’m clocked out but I can take you to the room, they won’t mind.” he’s purposely ignoring the look jun sends him from behind the desk as he reaches for the pad. “who are you here to see?” ‘the cute brunette student nurse whose name starts with a t  perhaps?’ taeyang is ready to reach over and strangle jun. so ready.  “ignore my co-worker.” he pleads, almost afraid to gauge hyunshik’s reaction. instead he’s met with bubble tea being slid into his hands. taeyang can already tell from the smell that it’s chai and his favorite. all he really needs after a long day at the hospital. he’s still looking at it in confusion, and hyunshik, he looks amused. thoroughly amused. no indication of having heard jun’s words until - ‘he’s not completely wrong. but since I am here to visit you and not him, it’d make sense for me to ignore him.’ taeyang doesn’t process the words as quickly as he should, instead he’s hurrying hyunshik out the minute jun starts making unnecessary whoops from behind the desk. that and his face is too too red to be seen inside the hospital.

because hyunshik said he’s visiting him. because hyunshik came all the way here, to visit him. and bought him chai. and also indirectly agreed that he thought taeyang was cute. or maybe indirectly agreed to shut jun up ( which at this rate jun will never shut up ). but taeyang’s processing and processing too much and trying to get as far away from his co-workers as possible.

‘any longer and someone might’ve checked your temperature.’ “hyuuuuuuung.” hyunshik is way too amused. taeyang is glaring at him, trying to anyway but the chai makes him too refreshed to stay upset. that, and he couldn’t hold that look at hyunshik for too long anyway. he’s a weak man. a smug grin and a bubble tea and he’s tame. ‘really? that’s all it takes?’ he’s also apparently not learned his lesson about talking out loud. this time he really doesn’t face hyunshik, he looks away and continues to drink, marveling at how thirsty he was. ‘you’re going to ignore me now, after I came all the way here?’ taeyang’s red. much too red to look hyunshik in the eye. instead he shuffles beside him the moment he starts to walk off, and speaks quietly over the straw. “thanks hyung.”

he gets a hum back. and it’s a quiet walk aside from a few tales and a few questions about each other’s day.

@camelehon for minsoo! )

through drought and famine, natural disasters my ???? has been around for me

hanna deals with things pretty well. meaning, she deals with them in ways that people can’t tell. in ways that no one can see. that’s how she keeps her vulnerability in check. that’s how she acknowledges it and shields herself at the same time. makeup on her face but circles under her eyes that she nods at first. 

she thinks, in hindsight, that she might handle things a little backward. meaning, she’ll have a hundred cuts but handle the gash. that works. that’ll keep her alive even if she’s still hurting. that’s what she should do. the incident hasn’t crossed the forefront of her mind recently, so she thinks she’s won. thinks that because she no longer wakes up in sweat, or the barrel of a gun disappearing when her hand reaching for her own pulls her out her nightmare.

she wonders, how she might’ve done this right. how she could’ve prevented smaller cuts turning into open canyons. releasing the pain so loud and wild that it suffocates her. slowly, but tightly. she wonders, how it might’ve been avoided.

because it’d started off fine. started with her diving back into school, doing makeup especially nice for class and dressing exceptional. being her so that no one would think she wasn’t. so that she couldn’t admit to the kidnapping changing her, stripping her of anything she had. it continued with her talking about it, to her father of course, to her tutors in the estate, not quite to all of them but some of them. laughing when she needed to and yelling when she needed to. she took pride in saying she handled it maturely. took pride in the strength her father said he saw.

it’d started and continued just how it should. no bottled despair and no cocooned frustration. so hanna’s struggling to find the disconnect. when she has no more nightmares but no sleep. when she’s been in the library so much staring at piled assignments until her eyes water from the light. when she can’t find anything soothing and doesn’t know why she needs it.

when the only permanence right now isn’t the music blasting from earbuds but the figure before her. permanence that starts to playback. to the first few days. when she was getting accustomed to the life she chose, nights of training and field runs with her father and mornings of studies and friends. the tutor that started to fit and wedge between the two. thrown into unfortunate circumstances and thrown with her, thrown but never leaving. 

hanna has seen minsoo through all of it. not just the kidnapping but the aftermath, when she pulled herself through classes when her father insisted she take days. when she insisted minsoo take days off himself. seen him falling asleep in the library, drained from mundane things that she’s started to forget in order to forget everything that happened. he has remained and it may not be on purpose but he has remained.

and he’s here, albeit a little blurry as her eyes start to water but he’s here. they might have tutoring today, she can’t recall. she has something to do today but nothing is really cooperating. not her hands to remove the books from her eyes, or the earbuds that are suddenly too low even though they’re turned on high.

she wills her body to stay upright, hopes that only she notices her sway.

maybe it’s that same permanence that makes him see. makes him reach forward, close all the books and slide them over. "you’re wasting time just staring at the books if you won’t bother to retain it.”

he reaches over to turn the music down. “we’re in the library, your music’s distracting.”

if she wants to manage a nod it doesn’t come out right, words won’t either.

oooooh, who would’ve thought i’d get you

no one else has really noticed. whether it be by proximity or because of how easily hanna splits her worlds. splits them and sometimes forgets to spend enough time in the other.

“finals aren’t meant to be this stressful.” and it’s silly. silly because she’s tackled everything else, handled everything that no one in this school could dream of. but she’s overwhelmed and it makes her static while the world keeps moving. minsoo, he keeps moving, though to her he’s remained in the same spot. “you slacked on your studies so they’re going to be a pain but not this stressful.” and hanna thinks she knows what he means by that, doesn’t really get it until there’s a few napkins on the top of her hand and a few droplets that make them cling to it.

she hasn’t cried. not at school anyway. she’s only allowed vulnerability in one area, so now it’s spilling over.

minsoo is there until he isn’t and she thinks this might be it. might be where she draws the line between the two worlds. might be where she’s not too comfortable doing both, or being both. then there’s something warm pressed to her hand. her fingers curl around it just as his image starts to fall back into view. 

“you’re gonna need it, we’ll be up all night.”  the smell of caramel and coffee, and the taste, starts to combat the salt of tears on her lips. 

she’s been doing this a bit backwards, she’ll acknowledge that. that maybe she should handle the easy things first, like design finals and economics class. and that she doesn’t have to tackle the entire war before her home’s clean and clear. that she can be this first before she’s her father’s daughter. she’ll acknowledge all of it later. but right now she’s got two finals tomorrow and a cup of coffee to help.

'okay.’

@camelehon for hayeon! }

sweet, a little selfish. //

she’s a little rough on the edges, jae will admit that. she’ll admit it about herself too. but sometimes, the kindness about hayeon is what blurs around the edges. in early mornings when jae’s slumped over the counter, searching for her mug and the pitcher. early mornings when her eyes won’t peek just yet and she relies on the smell of oak to wake up. when hayeon tells her she should have this down by now, waking up early and opening shop. because ‘you’re the one who wanted a breakfast and dinner pub’ she’ll say. 

and jae will whine, like everyday, drag her body around the pub, as the sun starts to kiss it’s corners. whine when hayeon dodges her kisses and she only gets the corner of air where she was once standing.

when the mug reaches her hand first and the pitcher is far. when there’s chai reaching her senses, a little too hot but sweet enough for jae to melt fully against the counter. because the sound of hayeon pouring coffee for the early morning customers makes her body relax with love. relax and slump over hayeon when she walks over. when she moves her face, complaining the kisses are too sugary and jae just laughs into her neck. laughs as hayeon ushers her to the back cabin, ordering someone to cover the morning shift.

and the afternoon and maybe the night.

because sleepy jae with her collarbones open to the sun is ‘dangerous’. and jae lets it slide. the customers will be fine today. she thinks it again on days like this when hayeon’s focused on her and those rough edges really do blur into the day and the sheets.

green, a little jealous. //

haeyon’s subtle too. always has been subtly and commanding about her way and her presence. how she doesn’t say much, keeps to her work when she’s not at her desk and uses space to her advantage. how she doesn’t take up much room, doesn’t move much but jae catches everything she does. always finds herself looking in the woman’s direction, always drawn to what she’s doing even if it’s nothing at all. even if it gets her a few spilled glasses of water, or a little nudge to move out her space.

jae’s always been pretty bold so she can’t help it.

it’s when hayeon’s the opposite. when she’s quick and quiet about things. about the little growl that leaves her lips when an old regular returns for the summer. conveniently, she’ll mutter as jae readies his order. little things that jae will catch but not comment on. rest her chin deep in the scent of oak before she’s hurrying back to her orders.

and it’s always subtle. unlike that bold compliments others will give her, or the bare display of attraction. hayeon is subtle even when she’s seething. when jae scurries back to grab another pitcher and a hand fits into the dip of her back. fingers tug and she complies, for a quick one. the kiss is always quick but hayeon’s eyes are always on someone when she does it, and jae’s always holding back laughter.

in this space with you. //

@camelehon for taen! )

who do you call for?

it’s unspoken, and painfully kept. left raw in the throat and ringing in his ears. taen’s voice is as it’s always been, primal and piercing. taen’s voice is overpowering and powerless from it’s use. taen’s voice is everything that fills his restless nights. where others will groan and toss until he comes, she’ll wail and she’ll wild black and red into his head until he comes.

and when he does, when he’s dragged over, pulled by cords that threaten to break, she smiles.

she smiles like she doesn’t know. smiles like it’s a game she has full control over, like his walking out the door won’t shred the cords. like there’s no part of her that already feels shredded and dead to everything around her.

he’ll stand and wait. for a signal, for a word, for any acknowledgement of anguish. but she smiles. she’s always smiling through it. he imagines her teeth red with the blood of false conquest. in this game she continues to think she’s winning as her soul gives way. in this game he lets her think of her victory as a sweet pain.

who do you call for?

she doesn’t ever respond to him. sometimes she puts cigarettes in his hand, sometimes she throws the bottles his way. sometimes she tries to drown first, doing his job before he gets there, acting like she doesn’t need him around. like she hasn’t called him around before. dio lets her. lets broken glass glide across his shoes, lets cigarette ashes die on his arms. 

he waits, and listens.

mouth closed, she still screams at him. eyes closed she cries dry and rough. and it’s a sight to see. it’s a beauty for some, to be as desolate as she must feel. but he can’t feed on that, not for long, not for his own sanity. 

he still listens. still answers the pull when she tugs.

it’s not completely pointless. everyone calls him a bit differently and dio doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of the differences. of the nuances that make each human individual. he doesn’t get tired of knowing when it’s taen or when it’s the girl below his apartment for the fifth time that night. he won’t get tired of it. of the smell of alcohol, soaking in skin and blood under nails and behind teeth. he won’t get tired of the life he lives, and it’s that sickening thought that reminds him who he is.

when he smiles and asks her again. this time with his mouth moving, feet hurrying and hands in her hair. running, threading all while he waits. all while he listens and asks again. voice silent but head blaring.

who do you call out for? 

“no one.”

taen’s voice is, overused, raspy and rung empty. but she still spits it out, still refuses the truth that’s on the edge of her tongue. she sees through him, head back, knife in her hand and blood on her knees. sees through but leans into the touch in her hair, rejects him verbally but physically, mentally, refuses to let him go.

that’s fine.

dio succumbs to the pull finally, when her hands reach for her hair and start to dig in his arm instead. it’s fine. however they pull, however they call. the desperate ones always call for him, and he always answers.