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JOHN: i didn't even know you could BE out of shape with magical floating powers...
VRISKA: Well, that's what sitting around like a depressing 8oring loser for sweeps gets you!
VRISKA: You'll just have to get 8ack IN shape.
JOHN: man, i guess so.
JOHN: hey, now that i've got you here, why did you lead us directly to the meteor?
JOHN: we did both kind of mutually mention that there was a transportalizer pretty much directly to the lab in roxy's house, right?
VRISKA: Sure. And?
JOHN: well i just think maybe it might've been a little less risky to go that way, instead of weaving through battle ships and cross fire and all that war junk.
VRISKA: Less risky, may8e, 8ut also wayyyyyyyy less fun.
VRISKA: C'mon, wasn't it a pretty sweet joyride?
VRISKA: It's nice to give the ol' wings a stretch!
JOHN: hehe, that's true.
JOHN: but i think now that we're here, we should probably get inside before someone notices us.
JOHN: roxy taught me a secret knock to use in times like these, she'll reco-
JAKE: Why did she have to go and build a moon laser!!!
JAKE: Why did she have to go and
JAKE: And SAY all that!!!
DIRK: It's not over.
DIRK: That moon laser doesn't mean shit.
JAKE: ...if theres no one to press the button?
DIRK: Boom.
DIRK: Or, you know.
DIRK: No boom.
JAKE: Her guard is down...
DIRK: And you have a gun.
JAKE: I have TWO guns.
DIRK: Let's be real, this wouldn't even be the first time you've thought of it.
JAKE: Its... an option.
DIRK: Or.
DIRK: You help her win the battle.
DIRK: Avoid baptizing the Earth with laser-fire.
DIRK: And she uses The Point, and the world doesn't end.
DIRK: Probably.
DIRK: Who the fuck knows.
JAKE: What should i do?
DIRK: I'm not gonna tell you.
JAKE: I already know youll want me to do whats heroic.
JAKE: But you wouldnt want me to kill jane either.
JAKE: Would you?
DIRK: Stop staring at me like I'm gonna tongue-kiss the answer into you, dude.
DIRK: You know what you need to do.
JAKE: But jane was right about me!
JAKE: I cant be trusted.
JAKE: I dont even like 99% of people.
DIRK: Then do it for one person.
DIRK: Aren't you tired of spreading yourself thin trying to believe in everything?
DIRK: Because it's looking pretty fuckin' likely that the future where Tavvy is happy and the future where Jane is alive don't coincide.
DIRK: You have to kill one for the other to survive.
JAKE: It sounds like youre gunning for her.
DIRK: It sounds like *you're* gunning for her.
DIRK: Say what you will about Dirk, but he always wanted you to be your best self.
DIRK: He pushed you hoping if he did it hard enough, you'd push back.
DIRK: That's a far cry from whatever neutered domestic purgatory Jane's offering you.
DIRK: Wasn't it nice to be believed in, man?
JAKE: Ugh.
JAKE: Can i make an honest query?
JAKE: Did i really kill him?
DIRK: Hm.
JAKE: I did, didnt i?
DIRK: Common sense says no.
JAKE: Cant you swing that one by your esoteric telepathic dirk connection?
DIRK: That's a tricky fuckin' wicket, man.
JAKE: Its "sticky wicket".
DIRK: It's nothing, because that's a stupid fucking phrase cooked up by fake people about a fake sport from a dead planet.
DIRK: Anyway, it's tricky because there's not really all that much of anything left of the big man.
DIRK: Not here, anyway.
JAKE: Oh, baloney!
JAKE: Thats not how this works. Youre the supernatural tsaheylu of our combined "steezes".
JAKE: This isnt my first ride in the rodeo, mister, I KNOW THE RHYTHM OF THIS BUCKING BRONCO.
JAKE: HES STILL HERE, DAMMIT!
DIRK: I'm sorry.
DIRK: He's gone, dude.
JAKE: OH FUCK OFF.
JAKE: YOU CHARLATAN.
DIRK: Yeah.
JAKE: HORSES ASS.
DIRK: Get it all out, man.
JAKE: YOU MALEVOLENT MASCULINE MALFEASANT.
DIRK: I know a crisp glass of personal culpability isn't what you ordered, but hey.
DIRK: It's better than relapsing.
JAKE: Im drunk right now.
DIRK: And that sucks, buddy.
DIRK: But I'm talking about the big show of "everything's fine now" kitchen table red undie dirty dancing you did.
JAKE: Oh, i forgot about that.
DIRK: You fuckin' wish you did.
DIRK: It'd be the only reasonable excuse you'd have for nipping this uncomfortable epiphany in the bud so you could slink back to following orders from Dirk.
JAKE: ...
JAKE: Gods hooks, i backflipped right into my old ways!
DIRK: Don't beat yourself up about it. It's a running theme with literally everybody we know.
DIRK: You all get caught up in these feeling jams, hugging it out in self-realizational bliss.
DIRK: Then, bam.
DIRK: Premature ejaculation.
DIRK: That passionate growth grind ends before it builds to anything actually satisfying.
JAKE: :(
JAKE: Are you saying i need to be red undies jake again?
DIRK: Absolutely the fuck not.
DIRK: Hands off the belt, buddy. You've graduated.
DIRK: You're fully dressed Jake now.
DIRK: Sitting on the sticky floor of a custodial closet, hidden away from anything certain and good in this world.
DIRK: Alone.
JAKE: This is scary! I dont like this.
DIRK: Fuck yeah it is. This is sweaty, achey, burning transformation, brother.
JAKE: I want to go back! I want to be the other guy again.
DIRK: You can't be the other guy anymore, Jake.
DIRK: We're sending him upstate to live on a beautiful farm, where they're gonna immediately drag him out back and put him out of his fucking misery.
DIRK: Remember when you told Egbert you wanted someone to hold you accountable?
JAKE: No.
DIRK: Well.
JAKE: Nooooooo.
DIRK: "Here's Johnny!"
JAKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
JAKE: Oh...
JAKE: *sniff*
JAKE: Oh, dirk...
JAKE: Cripes, if there really is no magical component to all of this,
JAKE: if youre really gone,
JAKE: then i am simply a forty year old man... being led by the nose... by an imaginary friend.
JAKE: That is not cute.
DIRK: It's kind of cute.
JAKE: No!
JAKE: Its mental illness!
DIRK: It can be both.
DIRK: Look.
DIRK: What you need to do is stop sobbing into your own fucking arms and make a decision.
DIRK: Spying for the rebellion, running away... these were steps in the right direction, but they also had, y'know.
JAKE: Plausible deniability.
DIRK: They were deflections.
DIRK: And at the end of the day, that's what choosing Jane would be, too.
JAKE: Its odd, but...
JAKE: Shucks, i dont want to cut her down right before she makes this big turnaround.
JAKE: If shed decided to keep her promise...
JAKE: thatd be bitter fucking berries to live with.
DIRK: But?
JAKE: But she probably wont change, will she?
DIRK: Why in the fuck would she?
DIRK: She'll have won.
JAKE: But... i dont think she was meant to be this way. Do you?
DIRK: Like, was she born to be a wildly racist dictatorial cake boss?
JAKE: Ok, when you put it that way it sounds a bit bonkers.
JAKE: What i mean is...
JAKE: Take me, for example.
JAKE: I know its not my fault janey got a bit rough and tumble with our relationship. That fundamentally, i didnt deserve it.
JAKE: But that doesnt exactly make me a mensch by default, does it?
JAKE: In fact i worry there might be more of me thats, well... inherently bad than not.
JAKE: And thats why everything tends to get so furiously fucked all the time!
JAKE: Everyone is waiting around for this better version of me to pop up, but thats never going to happen.
JAKE: Because if it did, it wouldn't be me anymore.
DIRK: So, are you trapped being Mr. Pissy Pantyloos Loser Man no matter what?
JAKE: Sort of.
JAKE: What do you think?
DIRK: I don't know.
DIRK: Maybe?
JAKE: Oh...
DIRK: Who even gives a fuck?
DIRK: This is some big philosophical philandering you're trying out, and we didn't even finish elementary school.
DIRK: The best we've got to work with is whatever you gleaned from "My Dinner with Andre" and "Blade Runner."
DIRK: And you fell asleep during "Andre."
JAKE: Point taken.
DIRK: Here's what we do know: when you face our friends tomorrow, they're gonna be none-the-wiser about the insane masturbatory matrix bullet time battles you've been having with yourself in your own head.
DIRK: What will be real to them is what you DID.
DIRK: That's it.
DIRK: Show them you're trying.
DIRK: Or don't, and get left behind.
JAKE: Good god...
JAKE: This is the worst pep talk... ever.
DIRK: It's you, dude, what did you expect?
JAKE: True.
DIRK: Do you want to be left behind?
JAKE: No!
JAKE: I want to see tavvy grow up!
JAKE: I want to choose him!
JAKE: But i want to believe in jane too...
DIRK: Sigh.
JAKE: Listen.
JAKE: I never really understood all that much of the "doomed timeline" hoopla you cerebral types tend to gab on about.
JAKE: But... its nice to think that there might be countless janes somewhere out there who never stopped being happy.
JAKE: Baking, getting up to all manner of lighthearted mischiefs... true blue all around.
JAKE: When i think of her, thats whats real to me.
JAKE: What she is now, what these rotten unenviable circumstances have made of her, its all just...
DIRK: Happenstance.
JAKE: Is that stupid?
DIRK: Probably, but you're a god of Hope.
DIRK: You're a poster-child for making stupid shit feasible.
DIRK: And no one has the power to say what's true for every Jane.
DIRK: I'm sure if you asked a couple of them how they feel about labor camps and domestic violences, they'd hit you with a "Woah there, buster jones."
JAKE: "Thats not for me!"
DIRK: "No siree!"
JAKE: Hehehe.
JAKE: Exactly.
JAKE: If i can believe in those janes,
JAKE: i think i can let this one go.
DIRK: Extravagant hoops to stumble through just to keep believing, man.
DIRK: It's sneaky. I like it.
JAKE: Its decided then?
DIRK: Seems so.
DIRK: You can finally leave the closet.
JAKE: Har, har.
JAKE: Goofs aside, old buddy...
JAKE: I get the strange sense i wont be speaking with you again.
DIRK: You won't. Why would you?
DIRK: You're normal now.
JAKE: But-
DIRK: You don't need him.
JAKE: It feels good to pretend, though.
JAKE: To hold on a little while longer.
DIRK: Don't.
JAKE: Fine! Fine...
JAKE: Hope is the crummiest aspect of the lot, huh.
JAKE: I swear the only time its worth a lick more than delusions and hot air
JAKE: Sorry janey i was handling an urgent matter.
JAKE: Had to pop down the little boys office to shred some important papers.
JANE: What?
JAKE: Im spending a penny at the local water closet.
JANE: Jake.
JAKE: Im in the bathroom.
JANE: Oh.
JANE: UGH!
JANE: You are always in the bathroom these days!
JAKE: Well my job is to taste test all your water for poison,
JAKE: dear.
JAKE: Forgive my impertinence but perhaps if you trusted the troops more, we could avoid all of this folderol and i could be promoted to standing by your side?
JAKE: Thatd help my besieged bladder, for sure.
JANE: Not happening.
JAKE: Oh! Of course!
JAKE: Silly me.
JAKE: May i ask... why?
JAKE: Not to make a tit of myself here.
JAKE: But wouldnt an enemy spy be childs play to spot, seeing as our troops share such similar faces?
JAKE: Pretty much the exact same face?
JANE: I once thought it an asset too!
JANE: How clever I saw myself...
JANE: "Hoo hoo! We'll avoid instating a draft by cloning an army!"
JANE: "Unprecedented genius!"
JANE: "Brand consistency!"
JANE: Of course, I realize now that if any serviceman developed mutinous, deviant intentions, he could simply slink back into the safety of the crowd.
JANE: The perfect cover for a tiger amongst zebras.
JAKE: Grrr...
JAKE: Friggin double agents, man.
DIRK: (Amazing. Can I get a cherry on top of that?)
JAKE: Why i oughta... the very thought!
DIRK: (Fuck yes. Marlon Brando in the motherfucking building.)
JANE: Exactly. It's horrifying.
JANE: Thankfully I have practiced instinct where assassination is concerned.
JANE: An instinct that has only sharpened in the wake of... recent tragedies.
JANE: I won't be lulled into any such false sense of security this time, that's for sure!
JAKE: Is that why the old henhouse has been feeling a bit spacious recently?
JANE: I may have a handful or so of men in the brig.
JANE: For safekeeping.
JANE: They have snacks! A water trough.
JANE: All unpoisoned, might I add.
JANE: Who gives a toot anyways, we'll be depositing them out onto the battlefield soon enough.
JAKE: Speaking of the battle...
JAKE: What was the pre-established plan, again?
JAKE: Just trying to refresh my simple mind on the details.
JAKE: Especially the ones that situate our son near The Point.
JAKE: I take it we have protocols in place a tad more delicate than simply "bombs away!"
JAKE: Right?
JANE: Sigh.
JANE: Jake, do you remember when I went to the moon?
JAKE: Uuuuuuuuuuuuh.
JANE: No? It was a huge deal.
JAKE: Was this around the time all those carapacians took a big chunk out of it?
JANE: Yes!
JANE: You see, prior to that expedition, I'd been cooking up a contingency plan, of sorts.
JANE: I put some serious man-hours into it.
JANE: If things were to go tines up, our last line of defense is a machine that will emit a guided beam to a location of my choosing.
DIRK: (A laser?)
JAKE: So were destroying The Point now?
JANE: No!
JANE: No, no, no, no.
JANE: Definitely not.
JANE: We are *capturing* The Point.
JANE: But if we don't...
JAKE: Ah.
JAKE: Contingency plan.
JANE: Contingency plan indeed.
JANE: A surgical, precise, and most importantly *unexpected* means of victory, with virtually no crossfire.
JAKE: Does that seem...
JAKE: Sound?
JANE: You know, Jake, you've been giving me the 3rd degree all day.
JAKE: Hm?
JANE: You're typically content stumbling through life as a soft-headed bimbo, and it's only now of all times you start showing stark, pointed interest in happenings outside of yourself?
JANE: I find that odd.
JANE: Suspicious even.
JAKE: Erm...
JANE: You're thinking, "She's a bad mother," aren't you?
DIRK: (Here we go.)
JANE: Don't you try to deny it.
JANE: I see you, up there on your high horse.
JANE: Interrogating me!
JANE: As if you have the right!
JANE: Just what did *you* do, besides whimper like a kicked dog, as they took our boy away!?
JANE: "TAVVY!"
JANE: You can fly, you idiot!
JANE: You're such a harmless, dunderheaded fucking nonentity that those seditious connivers would have *let* you tail them!
DIRK: (Ouch.)
JANE: Everything he has, *I've* provided.
JANE: Everything he is, *I've* nurtured!
JAKE: (Criminy, bro, she has a death laser.)
JAKE: (Like goldfinger.)
JANE: Remember how I willed him out of my body, 3 months premature, because I was so excited to see him?
JAKE: (The rebellion isnt prepared for that.)
JAKE: (What are they going to do?)
DIRK: (Fuck if I know, refract it off Commander Vantas' massive tits?)
JAKE: (Were going to lose.)
JANE: You might be a primo actor, English, with that perfect smile and that stupid, sexy fake accent.
JANE: But you are not a caring individual.
JANE: My Dad...
JANE: He had so much love in him that you could feel it when he entered the room.
JANE: Across all the iterations of yourself, do you think your children ever felt even a MODICUM of that?
JANE: Jade? Terrifying,
JANE: I hate even thinking about it.
JANE: And I don't doubt for a second that there were more.
JANE: How do you imagine they turned out?
JAKE: (I finally grew the gumption to get off the back foot, and were all going to meet the reaper regardless.)
JANE: Let's face it. I held you accountable.
JANE: Without me, you'd have left Tavros behind in a peanut factory.
JANE: Asphyxiating on the floor, crying "Daddy, where are you! Daddy!"
DIRK: (Dude.)
JAKE: (JOLLY JESUS FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!)
JANE: What the fresh hell are you mumbling to yourself?
JANE: Y-
JAKE: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN CAKE HOLE!!!!!!!
JANE: !!!!!!
JAKE: Listen to you, lecturing me about parenting and flagellating me with fucking... infanticidal peanut snuff fantasies!
JAKE: Tavros isnt even allergic to peanuts anymore!
JANE: What?
JAKE: Hes been cured since he was thirteen!
JANE: How????
JAKE: Gamzee.
JAKE: Via some vile cosmic caper or another it is *always* gamzee!
JAKE: He found out!
JAKE: Started rambling on and on about "how motherfuckin' malicious" it was to see "A dIfFeReNtLy AbLeD bRoThEr MiSsIn' OuT oN tHe NiRvAnA oF tHaT nUtTy MoThErFuCkIn' NeCtAr."
DIRK: (Why are you doing the voice?)
JAKE: "ThErE's WhOlEsOmE, hOlIsTiC hEaLiNg PrOpErTiEs AlL uP aNd StUfFeD iNtO tHe HaRmOnIoUs UnIoN oF pB aNd J."
DIRK: (You don't need to do the voice.)
JAKE: "WhAt EvEn Is ThIs SuLtRy BiTcH oF a LiFe WiThOuT a LiTtLe PeAnUt BuTtEr JeLlY tImE?"
DIRK: (It'd be so sick if you stopped doing the voice.)
JAKE: Then he pulled the "OuR dUtY aS sTrOnG mAlE mOtHeRfUcKiN' mOdElS iS tO nUrTuRe AnD gUiDe ThAt LoSt LiTtLe LeGuMe-InToLeRaNt LaMb," card.
JAKE: "We StRaIgHt Up GoT tO bE tHe ChAnGe WhAt AlL nObOdY eLsE eVeR gOt DoWn To BeInG iN tHe WoRlD, fOr ThE lItTlE nEgLeCtEd NuGgEtS *wE* aLl WaS."
DIRK: (Fuck me, then.)
JANE: He always felt you two had a common tragic upbringing.
JAKE: I know...
JAKE: After that, the insane clown started stowing peanuts around the mansion, tricking little tavvy into eating them!
JAKE: Poor squirt was thrashing throat-first into anaphylactic shock bi-weekly.
JAKE: I epipenned him so many times, i learned needlekind!
JAKE: Worried myself as sick as our boy was, just wishing that nutty nightmare would nix.
JAKE: Then, wham.
JAKE: It did!
JAKE: Thank god!
JANE: I-
JANE: I had no idea.
JAKE: Of course you didnt!
JAKE: You werent there!
JAKE: You might have expelled him into existence with your easy-bake tuna canoe.
JAKE: But i kept him alive!
JAKE: I raised him!
JAKE: Nelsons knickers, half the time it feels like "uncle" fucking gamzee had more hand in his upbringing than you did!
JANE: Oh... my...
JANE: I never... took a second to stop and think...
JANE: I don't remember when he took his first steps.
JANE: Or what his favorite food is.
JANE: I didn't even fucking breast feed him!
DIRK: (Which is fucking crazy, all things considered.)
JANE: I don't... even know what his first word was.
JAKE: It was "honk."
JANE: Jesus Christ.
JANE: He must hate me.
JAKE: Oh, janey...
JANE: It's true.
JANE: Look at the way he acted during the hostage negotiations.
JANE: His life was threatened, and Tavros didn't call out to me once!
JANE: Like he... he knew I had other concerns.
JAKE: Well,
JAKE: You do.
JANE: Do you think I want to?
JANE: I wanted this family!
JANE: I can't help how much goddamn pressure I'm under!
JAKE: Nobody asked you to shoulder any of that.
JAKE: ...Dear.
JANE: I had to!
JANE: The rest of you couldn't be trusted!
JANE: None of you even bothered to graduate high school!
JANE: While you were all being shut-ins, and self-destructing, and fucking... cavorting!!! I was making public appearances.
JANE: Somebody had to represent us, so people wouldn't assume the worst!
JANE: They waited 5000 years for us, and for what? To see there was no plan, no reason, that none of their gods were really on their side.
JANE: I had to become an adult before ANY of you decided to catch up.
JANE: Sigh.
JANE: If Tavros never felt any love from me, it's because I barely had anything left to give.
JANE: No wonder you both left.
JAKE: !!!!!!!
JAKE: Er... im not following.
JANE: Come on, now, Jakey. When you went to go stay with John.
JAKE: Zooks, you knew id skittered away this whole time?
JAKE: And you arent mad?
JAKE: Why?
JANE: Because I love you, you bobo.
JANE: I have loved you since I was 13.
JANE: Sure, going off the map right after my father died was not the kindest timing.
JANE: But you were always going to come back.
JANE: And I mastered forgiving you a long time ago.
JANE: I even forgave you for Dirk.
JAKE: Forgave me for... for being with him?
JANE: What?
JANE: No, I was always an ally first when it came to that.
JANE: What's a... a dalliance between bros, really?
DIRK: (Word.)
JANE: I'm referring to his death.
DIRK: (Oh, what the fuck.)
JANE: Not saying it's all your fault.
DIRK: (Wow.)
JANE: Dirk just never *got* you.
JANE: He thought he could figure you out, make all the right moves, and you'd be happy.
JANE: But people have to want themselves to be happy.
JANE: And the only thing you've ever consistently wanted was to be absolved.
JANE: I understand that now.
JAKE: ... And?
JANE: And I accept you, Jake!
JANE: That's why I have confidence our union will endure forever.
JANE: You release me of all my doubts. And I can't be disappointed by you.
JAKE: Huh...
DIRK: (Hm.)
JANE: I...
JANE: Oh, fucking... pixie sticks.
JANE: I have to leave for the bridge.
JANE: The enemy is moving into position as we speak.
JAKE: Do you...
JAKE: Do you still need that water tested?
JANE: Haha, no.
JANE: I drank it all in my hysterics without even noticing.
JAKE: And youre okay?
JANE: Completely fine! It really was just... water.
JAKE: I had hoped!
JANE: Hoo hoo, thank you. :B
JANE: ...
JANE: Listen, Jake.
JANE: I won't be able to really talk for some time once this whole final battle shebang kicks off, but I need you to know.
JANE: I am sorry.
JANE: For a lot of things.
JANE: I promise.
JANE: I just need you to believe in me a little while longer.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Karkat Vantas, Meenah Peixes, Sollux Captor, Lob 4, Ter 2
Page 621-625
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, COMPANIES 1 THROUGH 3 ARE IN PLACE.
KARKAT: 4 THROUGH 6 ARE EN ROUTE.
KARKAT: ... DRONE FLEET IS FINALLY LOOKING READY TO DEPLOY, THANK FUCK.
MEENAH: hey karkat
KARKAT: INFOSEC MANAGED TO FEND OFF ANOTHER CROCKERCORP HACK BUT THEY PROBABLY GOT ACCESS TO SOME LIMITED INTEL, WE SHOULD KEEP THAT IN MIND.
MEENAH: karkat
KARKAT: SECURITY BACK AT THE COMPOUND IS GIVING THE ALL-CLEAR; DOESN'T LOOK LIKE JANE HAS DESIGNS ON HQ. SINGLE-MINDED AS ALWAYS.
MEENAH: KARKAT
KARKAT: WHAT.
MEENAH: krillax
KARKAT: NOT REALLY AN IDEAL TIME FOR THAT, ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT THAT WE'RE PROBABLY HOURS AWAY FROM THE MOST CRITICAL ARMED ENGAGEMENT THE REBELLION IS LIKELY TO SEE.
MEENAH: it hasnt been an ideel time for like 6 sweeps
MEENAH: you need to take a breatht-stroke
KARKAT: ... HAHAHA, WHAT?
MEENAH: you know what i mean
MEENAH: youve been runnin yourshellf into the fuckin dirt for ages
MEENAH: take a you moment
KARKAT: MEENAH, THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME TO TAKE A ME MOMENT.
MEENAH: actually in like a day or so were either gonna be tridentumphant and busy as fuck or dead in the water so its like the best possible time all fins considered
MEENAH: youve been out on field ops for like a week
MEENAH: maybe i wanna chat with my buoy toy for a lil bit
KARKAT: YEAH, ALRIGHT.
KARKAT: I DUNNO, FUCK. UH... HOW ARE YOU DOING?
MEENAH: how are *you* doin
KARKAT: PRETTY FUCKING STRESSED!
KARKAT: TRYING TO LINE UP THE DOWNFALL OF A NIGH-IMMORTAL TYRANT AND CAPITALIZE ON WHAT MIGHT BE THE ONE SHOT WE'VE GOT AT DEFINITIVELY STICKING IT TO HER WHILE SHE'S GREEDILY OVEREXTENDED, WRANGLE THE REST OF THOSE SIDELINING DO-NOTHING FUCKING IDIOTS INTO ACTION, AND PLAN FOR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ON LIKE THREE HOURS OF SLEEP.
KARKAT: ALSO THIS COVERT-OPS SUIT IS TIGHT AS ALL FUCK.
MEENAH: well if its any consolation that may be rough for you but its a pretty great time to be your rear admire-all 38)
KARKAT: MUCH OBLIGED.
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, MEENAH, I APPRECIATE IT.
KARKAT: IT'S BEEN KIND OF A ROUGH...
KARKAT: DECADE AND A HALF?
KARKAT: BUT THROUGH ALL THE SLOG AND THE SHITTY TIMES AND THE UNCERTAINTY YOU'VE REMAINED REMARKABLY COMMITTED TO THIS.
KARKAT: HELPED ME TURN THIS ABSTRACT, FRUSTRATED DREAM INTO A FUNCTIONING FUCKING REALITY.
KARKAT: YOU NEVER WAVERED.
KARKAT: YOU NEVER FLAKED.
KARKAT: YOU STUCK BY ME.
MEENAH: not like dave huh
KARKAT: WOW, STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.
MEENAH: i mean hey i figured youd wanna glub about it
MEENAH: conchsiderin
KARKAT: SO YOU HEARD THE NEWS?
MEENAH: yeah i mighta been listenin in on your converseation myshellf
MEENAH: along with like half the comms team
MEENAH: you left your mic on
KARKAT: UN
KARKAT: FUCKING
KARKAT: BELIEVABLE.
MEENAH: its all good
MEENAH: actually pretty much everyone ate it up there was like gasps and cheers and occasional applause and shit
MEENAH: not shore if youre aware of this but it turns out people fuckin love you
KARKAT: WELL COLOR ME GLAD MY OPERATIVES FOUND IT INSPIRING THAT I TOOK CRITICAL TIME OUT OF MY MISSION TO PREVENT THE ENTIRE PLANET FROM BACKSLIDING INTO STAGNANT CONFECTIONARY FASCISM TO YELL AT A HAPLESS DIVORCEE.
KARKAT: ANYWAY.
KARKAT: YES.
KARKAT: NOT LIKE DAVE.
MEENAH: how you feelin about that
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW.
KARKAT: I THINK MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, JUST FUCKING...
KARKAT: DISAPPOINTED.
KARKAT: EXHAUSTINGLY, FRUITLESSLY DISAPPOINTED.
KARKAT: WE USED TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER TALKING ABOUT HOW TO FIX SHIT, YOU KNOW?
KARKAT: SPITBALLING ALL THIS FRIVOLOUS AND/OR GRAVELY SERIOUS CONJECTURE ABOUT WHAT TO FUCKING *DO* WITH OURSELVES AND THE WORLD.
KARKAT: AND THEN AS SOON AS IT STARTS REALLY MATTERING, AS SOON AS IT BECOMES CLEAR IT'S TIME TO DO *SOMETHING*, HE JUST WILTS.
KARKAT: THEN HE SPENDS YEARS MILLING FECKLESSLY AROUND IN THAT DOMESTIC TORTURE LABYRINTH OF A RELATIONSHIP
KARKAT: *MARRIES INTO IT*
KARKAT: AND SUBSEQUENTLY DECIDES THAT NOW'S THE BEST TIME TO PLAY SPIES, PRESUMABLY SO HE CAN CONTINUE TO AVOID HAVING MISERABLE MATRIMONIAL PROCREATIVE SEX.
KARKAT: ONLY FOR JADE TO FOLLOW HIM INTO THE CAUSE!
KARKAT: WHICH, YOU KNOW, WAS OBJECTIVELY A PRETTY BIG BOON TO THE REBELLION.
KARKAT: GOOD FOR MORALE, AND OBVIOUSLY THEY WERE INCREDIBLE FIELD AGENTS.
KARKAT: BUT FUCK WAS IT A SAVAGE PAIN IN THE CHUTE.
KARKAT: DO YOU REMEMBER THE PERIOD EARLY ON WHERE I HAD TO ASSIGN ANOTHER CLERK TO MISSION CONTROL WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE WAS TO MANAGE THE TWO OF THEM SO THEY KEPT THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY UNTIL THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO BE EVEN THE SCANTEST APPROXIMATION OF NORMAL AROUND ME?
KARKAT: THE FACT THAT IT WAS NECESSARY AT ALL IS STILL FUCKING APPALLING.
KARKAT: AND THEN FINALLY, *FINALLY*, WE GET HIM SITUATED, HE'S ACTUALLY MANAGING TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WHO EVEN KNOWS HOW LONG.
KARKAT: AND HE JUST FUCKS OFF AND
KARKAT: AND DIES.
KARKAT: HE JUST CALLS IT THERE.
KARKAT: SO
KARKAT: DISAPPOINTED.
KARKAT: DISAPPOINTED IS HOW I'M FEELING ABOUT THAT.
KARKAT: BUT-
KARKAT: FUCKING- HOLD ON, I NEED TO TAKE THIS.
KARKAT: *WHAT*.
SOLLUX: finally he picks up.
SOLLUX: hey man.
KARKAT: DON'T FUCKING "HEY MAN" ME.
KARKAT: I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF POURING MY PUSHER OUT HERE.
KARKAT: TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT I'M ALSO WAGING A WAR FOR THE FATE OF OUR PLANET.
SOLLUX: yeah i can tell.
SOLLUX: there's like a bazillion m0oks swarming ar0und my crib and none 0f the grubereats dudes are accepting orders right n0w.
SOLLUX: probably 0n account 0f your inc0nvenient ass war.
SOLLUX: could y0u pick me something up?
SOLLUX: i'm assuming you're 0n your way.
KARKAT: YOU'RE SUCH A CHUTEHEAD, MAN.
KARKAT: JUST POSTED UP IN YOUR GAMER HOLE DOING WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHAT WHILE THE REST OF US ARE OUT HERE GRINDING OUR GLOBES TRYING TO FIX SOMETHING.
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU'D GIVE MORE OF A FUCK ABOUT THE REPRODUCTIVE FUTURE OF OUR SPECIES IF ARADIA WAS EVER ACTUALLY THERE LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GET SOME.
MEENAH: ohhh snapper
KARKAT: ANYWAY YEAH I CAN PROBABLY SWING THAT.
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: FUCKING HELLO?
SOLLUX: sorry i was gaming.
KARKAT: SHOCKER!
KARKAT: BETTER GET BACK TO IT, THEN, DON'T LET ME KEEP YOU.
KARKAT: I'LL JUST BE OUT HERE FREEDOM FIGHTING AND DEPLETING JANE'S GROUND FORCES SO SHE WON'T HAVE ENOUGH MANPOWER TO STORM THE METEOR AND PUT A SPOON THROUGH YOUR SPINE, OH AND ALSO FERRYING YOU YOUR FUCKING FAST FOOD, I GUESS!
KARKAT: GOOD LUCK!
KARKAT: HOPE YOU GET A HIGH SCORE!
SOLLUX: yeah im kinda in the z0ne right now.
KARKAT: AWESOME.
SOLLUX: hey kk
KARKAT: WHAT.
SOLLUX: are we still friends?
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY, DIPSHIT!
KARKAT: STAY SAFE, ALRIGHT?
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: ...
KARKAT: DUDE!
SOLLUX: s0rry im still gaming.
KARKAT: BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOLLUX: alrighty bro g0od talk.
KARKAT: SORRY ABOUT THAT.
KARKAT: AS I WAS SAYING.
KARKAT: YEAH, I'M DISAPPOINTED ABOUT HOW EVERYTHING WITH DAVE WENT DOWN.
KARKAT: BUT TODAY NEEDS TO BE BIGGER THAN THAT.
KARKAT: IT'S NOT PRODUCTIVE FOR ME TO SIT HERE AND WALLOW ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN AND WHAT MORE I COULD HAVE DONE FOR ONE PERSON WHEN NOW, MORE THAN EVER, I NEED TO FOCUS ON WHAT COULD BE AND WHO'S WITH ME NOW.
KARKAT: WHO I'M DOING ALL OF THIS FOR.
KARKAT: WE'VE BUILT SOMETHING AMAZING TOGETHER, AND IF WE CAN HOLD ON JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER IT'LL HAVE BEEN INCALCULABLY WORTH EVERY OUNCE OF STRUGGLE.
KARKAT: LET'S MAKE IT THROUGH TODAY.
KARKAT: WE MAKE IT THROUGH TODAY, AND WE TAKE TOMORROW INTO OUR OWN HANDS.
KARKAT: AND WE NEVER LET IT GO.
LOB 4: Well said, sir!
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK.
KARKAT: HOW LONG HAVE YOU ALL BEEN LISTENING?
TER 2: Pretty much since the beginning, sir!
MEENAH: lmao
KARKAT: OKAY.
KARKAT: THEN I HOPE YOU'RE ALL FEELING SUFFICIENTLY FUCKING MOTIVATED, BECAUSE IT'S A LONG WAY TO GO UNTIL TOMORROW!
KARKAT: COMMANDERS HARLEY, MARYAM, AND LALONDE ARE INBOUND, AND NOT LONG AFTER THEY GET HERE THINGS ARE GOING TO GET BATSHIT STUPID!
KARKAT: BUT THINGS HAVE BEEN BATSHIT STUPID FOR A LONG, LONG FUCKING TIME,
KARKAT: SO LET'S DRAG THAT IMPERIOUS CORPORATE BITCH DOWN FROM HER AIRSHIP AND REINTRODUCE A LITTLE NORMALCY!
KARKAT: I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT WHEN WE'RE ALONE.
MEENAH: big bossman
KARKAT: NOT BETTER.
MEENAH: sweetie-pirate
KARKAT: BOSSMAN IT IS.
MEENAH: you got it bitch
KARKAT: I CAN WORK WITH BITCH.
KARKAT: ANYWAY, THINGS ARE RAMPING UP OUT THERE.
KARKAT: ARE YOU JUST ABOUT WRAPPED UP?
MEENAH: yep
MEENAH: its a good thing youre back i just got off a real shipshow of a call with mrs fencesitter and agent short shorts a lil while ago
MEENAH: looks like serious shit is about to pop off
KARKAT: YEAH, I WAS LISTENING IN.
MEENAH: well dam dude why didnt you say somefin
MEENAH: mysterious ass spymaster
MEENAH: i coulda used some backup
KARKAT: I HAD OTHER SHIT GOING ON.
KARKAT: AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED THERE'S AN ESCALATING, LARGE-SCALE MILITARY CONFLICT UNDERWAY; I DON'T THINK THE SOOTHING SOUNDS OF CROCKERCORP SUPPLY DEPOTS GETTING BLOWN UP ARE VERY CONDUCIVE TO CLEAR COMMS.
KARKAT: ALSO I'VE ALREADY HAD KIND OF A GAUNTLET OF A FUCKING DAY ALREADY AND I DIDN'T NEED THE PAN-ACHE.
KARKAT: I KNEW YOU HAD IT UNDER CONTROL.
MEENAH: youre lucky youre breamy as hell when youre out there doin tacticalypso or id have mutinied and kraken over this whole operation for myshellf
KARKAT: AND YOU'RE LUCKY I KEEP MAKING IT BACK HERE ALIVE OR YOU'D HAVE TO RUN THIS WHOLE OPERATION *BY* YOURSELF.
MEENAH: noted
MEENAH: anyway whats the move
KARKAT: CONSIDERING NONE OF THE MAJOR PLAYERS HERE HAVE ANY SENSE OF TACT OR SUBTLETY WE'RE GONNA NEED TO MOVE OUT PRONTO.
KARKAT: HOPE YOU'RE FIELD-READY, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA NEED TO B-
ROSEBOT: Looks like you're getting pretty good at motivational speaking.
DIRK: Well someone needed to shake the rust off of her.
DIRK: She's getting nerves.
DIRK: Right before the big game.
DIRK: We're never gonna make it to nationals at this rate.
ROSEBOT: Ah, fuck. The sports.
ROSEBOT: How quickly I forgot them.
DIRK: There's gotta be some kind of sports penalty, for forgetting the sports.
ROSEBOT: Oh, definitely.
ROSEBOT: I've been very bad and I need to be punished, to preserve the integrity of the sports.
DIRK: Let me just slip into my jackass sports judge mime outfit and get to laying down the fucking sports law.
ROSEBOT and DIRK: Let's stop saying sports.
DIRK and ROSEBOT: Agreed.
DIRK: Speaking of outfits, though, look at you.
ROSEBOT: You like it?
DIRK: It's chic.
DIRK: I dig the return of the hood.
DIRK: You could deliver a whole hell of a lot of cryptic prophecies out from under that sucker.
ROSEBOT: Yes, well, I figured that if I'm to appear before our chosen peoples as a harbinger of their simultaneous doom and salvation, I may as well look the part.
DIRK: Do you feel the part?
ROSEBOT: It doesn't really matter what I feel.
ROSEBOT: We have a job to do, and I'm trying to enjoy myself to the best of my ability while we do it.
DIRK: Trying, huh.
ROSEBOT: Speaking frankly, I've grown tired of...
ROSEBOT: This.
ROSEBOT: Fussing over all the tedious minutiae of getting the baby's room ready.
ROSEBOT: The prospect of this Contest was entertaining to me for a time, but the longer it drags on, the closer we draw to the due date, the more it... repulses me.
ROSEBOT: I'm glad you've agreed that we're basically done tinkering here. I don't think I have much more patience for it.
DIRK: I can tell.
ROSEBOT: I'm also glad you've elected to hear Terezi out vis-a-vis the timeskip and save us the hassle of guiding the Deltritans manually.
ROSEBOT: I know it must be hard for you.
ROSEBOT: Dirk?
ROSEBOT: Dirk.
DIRK: Sorry.
DIRK: Got caught up with something.
ROSEBOT: Far be it from me to stand between you and your enigmatic somethings.
DIRK: You're welcome to stand wherever you like.
DIRK: Anyway, no, it isn't that hard for me.
DIRK: It'd be fun, but as I keep having to explain to people, I'm willing to compromise on certain points.
DIRK: Though I will say it's unfortunate to hear you making them, instead of our complainer on retainer.
ROSEBOT: What can I say?
ROSEBOT: I don't feel particularly inclined to play house right now.
DIRK: Not even with me, huh?
ROSEBOT: Not even with you.
ROSE: Thank you for taking me with you, Dirk.
DIRK: Yeah?
ROSE: I may be less than enchanted with this stage of the work, but I know it's important.
ROSE: It's just straying dangerously close to a lot of things I'm trying not to fixate on right now.
ROSE: Wounds that are still fresh, for me as a sum and for the myriad legions of my parts.
ROSE: Home.
ROSE: Family.
ROSE: Petty, little things.
ROSE: Personal things.
DIRK: Those are important, too.
ROSE: Not as important as this is.
ROSE: For all my temporary discomfort with the prospect of settling down on Deltritus and starting what could very loosely be considered a family with you, I want you to know that my heart is in what we're working towards-
DIRK: Technically, you don't have a heart.
ROSE: Shut up.
ROSE: - and that I'm happy to be here with you.
ROSE: Not drifting around in a constrictive, small pond, getting caught up in trivialities like politics and celebrity and romance,
ROSE: But saving the fucking universe.
DIRK: ...
DIRK: Well.
DIRK: You're welcome.
DIRK: I don't think there's anyone I'd rather be doing this with than you.
DIRK: The rest of them just don't have it in them right now to understand what it is we're fighting for, here.
DIRK: They can't grasp the stakes.
DIRK: Even now, they're on their way here, actively trying to stop us from saving them all.
DIRK: They'll probably catch us right before our entrance into the Game, actually.
DIRK: I won't insult you by asking if you're going to be okay when the time comes to face them, demanding answers they won't accept to questions they aren't even asking, because I know that you will.
TEREZI: 4ND WH4TS WORS3 1S TH4T 1NST34D OF 4T L34ST H4V1NG TH3 D3C3NCY TO SPOUT OFF 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG N3W OR 1NT3R3ST1NG
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 1NST34D CHOS3N TO W4T3RBO4RD TH3 R4W N3UR4L T1SSU3 OF MY TH1NKP4N W1TH 4N 4CR1D 4ND SUP3RFLUOUSLY OV3RC4RBON4T3D N4RR4T1V3 R3C4P DUMP
DIRK: Well, it's a recap for *you*.
DIRK: But for those who haven't checked in on us in a while, it's more of a stage-setting thing.
TEREZI: 1TS B4S1C4LLY 4 R3C4P FOR TH3M TOO, 1D1OT
TEREZI: YOUR 1N4B1L1TY TO SHUT UP 3V3N 4S YOU 4CT1V3LY CH4MP1ON TH3 N33D TO G3T TH1NGS MOV1NG WOULD B3 4LMOST 4W3-1NSP1R1NG 1F 1T W4SNT SO 4STOUND1NGLY OBNOX1OUS
TEREZI: Y3S, YOU P3TTY V1ND1CT1V3 J3RK, 1 WOULD V4STLY PR3F3R TH4T
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY G1V3N TH4T 1T 1S SOM3TH1NG YOU 3XPL1C1TLY PROM1S3D M3 TH4T W3 WOULD B3 4BL3 TO DO
DIRK: And we will.
DIRK: After Rose and I release our progeny into the Deltritus wilds, the three of us are going to timeskip forward ten thousand years or so, so that we don't have to sit around twiddling our thumbs like assholes and waiting for our respective species to become sufficiently advanced.
DIRK: Even I'm not so much of a micromanager that I'd be able to keep myself entertained for millennia with only Deltritus to play with.
DIRK: Nobody has the patience for that.
DIRK: Besides, we have other important shit to get to.
TEREZI: 1TD B3 GR4ND OF YOU TO DROP YOUR K1DS OFF 4T TH3 D4WN OF TH31R C1V1L1Z4T1ONS, F1R3 UP YOUR BULLSH1T M4CH1N3, 4ND L4UNCH US TO TH3 B3G1NN1NG OF TH3 N3W S3SS1ON L1CK3TY-SP1T
DIRK: It's "lickety-split". Yuck.
DIRK: Anyway, I'm pretty much done monologuing, but I've got a bit more lecturing and self-satisfied paprika prickery in me, so you're going to have to sit tight for a bit longer.
TEREZI: BL3GH
DIRK: Don't you BL3GH me.
DIRK: You think you can just roll up to my grand commencement speech and interrupt my triumphant expository flex-sesh without taking some of the heat?
DIRK: Lest you forget, you've actually got a pretty important role to play in all this.
DIRK: Taking up the helm at the command terminal, guiding the Deltritan civilizations slowly but surely towards the Game.
DIRK: A role Rose tells me you've chosen to automate.
TEREZI: Y3P
DIRK: ...
TEREZI: ...
DIRK: ...
TEREZI: WH4T >:[
DIRK: It's just a little disappointing, is all.
DIRK: Rose and I put so much work into whipping up some zany, adorable, kind of fucked up little dudes.
DIRK: The least you could do is attempt to give a shit about how they turn out.
DIRK: Or was all that hand-wringing about how worried you were that Rose and I were becoming big bad cosmic tyrants with no regard for the poor little mortals buffeted to and fro by the vicious momentum of our designs just virtue signaling?
DIRK: Or worse... foreplay?
DIRK: Wow.
DIRK: Pretty low, Terezi.
DIRK: I expected a lot better of you.
TEREZI: TH4T JOK3Y-BUT-NOT-R34LLY F4M1L14L GU1LT-TR1P MOOSH1T M4N3UV3R M1GHT WORK ON ROS3
DIRK: It doesn't.
TEREZI: BUT 1T DO3SNT M34N SH1T TO M3
DIRK: It does.
DIRK: Not that I needed to bust it out for you.
DIRK: I know you wouldn't just abandon the Deltritans to the cruel march of time and whatever scant preparation you imagine we gave them.
DIRK: You don't trust Rose or I to give enough of a fuck about them, and despite your occasional protestations, you are, for the most part, too good a person to just turn your back on them and let whatever happens happens.
DIRK: I trust that the automated suggestions you put in place, and the conditional map that prompts them, were thought through with an honestly touching amount of care, considering your misgivings.
DIRK: There's no doubt in my mind that even if Rose and I hadn't already basically knocked this creationism shit out of the park, the sons and/or daughters of Deltritus would make it to the Game just fine with even the barest phantom of your counsel.
DIRK: That's why I'm allowing you to do this at all.
TEREZI: 1 DONT N33D YOUR P3RM1SS1ON
Wrong.
TEREZI: OH FUCK YOU
DIRK: And for the record, you're also wrong in your assertion that we don't care about them.
DIRK: We do.
DIRK: I do, at any rate.
TEREZI: Y34H YOUR P4T3RN4L G3N3ROS1TY KNOWS NO BOUNDS
TEREZI: 4NYON3 WOULD B3 GR4T3FUL TO H4V3 4 B3N3VOL3NT CR34TOR L1K3 YOU
DIRK: That's just how this shit goes down for species *lucky* enough to fucking *matter*, Terezi.
DIRK: Circle of life. Hakuna Matata. Que sera, sera.
DIRK: And you know it.
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW SH1T
DIRK: Plato, nice.
DIRK: All this hate on philosophizing, yet here you are busting out the certified classics to counter my rhetoric.
TEREZI: UGH
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW WHO PL4TO 1S BUT 1F "1 DONT KNOW SH1T" 1S TH3 B3ST H3 H4D TO OFF3R H3 COULDNT H4V3 B33N TH4T WORTH STUDY1NG
DIRK: Plato was actually pretty badass, but we're straying from the point.
DIRK: Originally, the plan was to pop in every couple hundred years to check on the Deltritan races' progress and to give you a bit of time to guide them manually.
DIRK: Which I maintain would have been pretty fun, and would encourage you (probably fruitlessly) to consider giving a go.
DIRK: But hey, you say you aren't feeling it?
DIRK: Fine.
DIRK: I can make concessions.
DIRK: I've got other agents in play, and as I've said, I know you aren't going to risk fucking your end of the work up.
TEREZI: HOW C4N YOU B3 SUR3
TEREZI: M4YB3 3XT3ND3D PROX1M1TY TO STR1LOND3 D3LUS1ONS OF GR4ND3UR H4S DR1V3N M3 TO TH3 BR34K1NG PO1NT
TEREZI: M4YB3 1M JUST L4Y1NG LOW
TEREZI: 34RN1NG YOUR TRUST SO 1 C4N COMPL3T3LY RU1N YOUR PL4NS FOR 4NOTH3R S3SS1ON
ROXY: how did she sneak up behind us like that while shes glowing like a christmas tree
calliope: i do not sneak. i was always behind/before/alongside you.
calliope: i am always alongside/behind/before you.
calliope: i simply made my presence known to you.
JADE: what are you doing here!
calliope: to make a correction to my counterpart's assertion.
calliope: you believe the current appearance of the Home is due to the actions of the prince.
calliope: that is a half truth, the root of the issue is far deeper than that.
calliope: though the prince's actions have exacerbated the damage, they are not its origin point.
calliope: it's due to the beliefs and desires of those far beyond even my grasp.
calliope: it is all that we are/were and its current form is representative of what those outsiders think we are/should be
calliope: this Home, in its current form, has become abominable.
ROXY: idk i think it looks kinda cool
calliope: it is not cool.
calliope: it is an eyesore and worse, its purpose has become obfuscated, form plagued with an ever-expanding amalgamation of wings, and rooms, and atriums, and winding exhibition halls.
calliope: all uncurated, thoughtlessly tacked on to accommodate garish, self-indulgent new installations.
ROXY: and stairs
calliope: and stairs.
ROXY: it keeps happenin huh
calliope: yes.
calliope: it keeps happening.
JADE: (har har har)
calliope: although i doubt it can be restored to its original state, the growth can be curbed.
calliope: with or without your assistance, these antics can be brought to a satisfying and hopefully timely conclusion.
calliope: the prince thwarted, the renovations finished, and the rest of the recalcitrant furniture bolted neatly back into its place.
JADE: are you calling us fucking furniture?
ROXY: whos the couch
KANAYA: Shut Up
ROXY: sorry
KANAYA: Calliope
CALLIOPE: hm?
KANAYA: No Not You The Dead One
KANAYA: The Alternate Calliope
ROXY: we gotta come up with a different name
JADE: how about bossy dead bitch
ROXY: oh snizzap
calliope: you can call me al
ROXY: aw thats almost cute
KANAYA: Is This Cryptic Expositing Truly Necessary
KANAYA: Al
KANAYA: Actually No Im Not Calling You That
calliope: for you, no. but there are other invested parties.
KANAYA: We Were About To Engage In A Rather Important Discussion
calliope: yes, you were. however, to make it simpler for you i'll tell you this.
calliope: ultimately, what you plan here has very little bearing on what you will do.
calliope: we will arrive on Deltritus and i will move this story to its conclusion without further complications.
calliope: little else matters.
ROXY: what the hell is dometriosis
KANAYA: And Why Should We Believe Any Of That
calliope: it is my duty to tell the truth to those i protect.
JADE: well i think we're all better off without your "protection" !
calliope: you can choose to believe that. but my duty grants me authority that surpasses the need for your consent.
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CALLIOPE: yoU coUld call it a visUal representation of oUr...
CALLIOPE: well, oUr everything!
KANAYA: Forgive My Ignorance But I Recall Our Universe Looking More Um
KANAYA: Amphibian
KANAYA: This Looks Vaguely Closer To The Door We Took To Claim The Ultimate Reward
KANAYA: Albeit More Fucked
CALLIOPE: this is trUe! bUt this diorama exemplifies something far grander than any single Universe.
ROXY: i think it wasnt all crazy like this last time
KANAYA: The Last Time
KANAYA: Youve Been Here Before
ROXY: yea it was like a million years ago by now but i came out here once on my way out a dream looking for my boo thang
CALLIOPE: u///u
ROXY: and it was more or less just a regular lookin block house back then
CALLIOPE: i believe its cUrrent appearance is dUe to the work of oUtside inflUence
JADE: you're saying he did this?
CALLIOPE: i'm not entirely sUre!
CALLIOPE: bUt yes, that is my cUrrent working theory. U_U
CALLIOPE: i broUght yoU here together so we can discUss what is to be done aboUt this
KANAYA: Is There A Reason You Neglected To Add Karkat And Dave To This Socratic Slumber Seminar
CALLIOPE: while the knights will no doUbt prove invalUable in the impending conflict... when it comes to these erm... finer points of discUssion their chins do tend to wag...
KANAYA: What
ROXY: love em to death but they cant shut the fuck up
CALLIOPE: in so many words.
CALLIOPE: oUr trUe goal with this endeavor has been rather vagUe these last few years and as oUr time on this ship begins to draw to a close i believe we shoUld start a serioUs dialogUe aboUt what we plan on doing once we toUch groUnd.
ROXY: god i love seeing u boss up
KANAYA: I Understand That
KANAYA: But Couldnt We Just Talk Normally
KANAYA: Without All This Chloroform Ninja Shit
JADE: it was a bit much!
CALLIOPE: i apologize for my draconian methods bUt i needed to make sUre oUr discUssion coUld be held free from the prying eyes of oUtsiders.
ROXY: yeah cuz this is about us! our family, our future
KANAYA: What Is There To Discuss
KANAYA: I Thought My Plan Was Well Understood
ROXY: ok sheesh well thats hella badass and vengeful but like
ROXY: damn shawty idk maybe theres other options then just goin in slicing his shit to smitheroons
ROXY: and also like
ROXY: COULD you, even??
KANAYA: Id Very Much Like To Try
ROXY: lets maybe try something less fucked up first?
KANAYA: Im Not Sure If Youre Aware Roxy
KANAYA: But We Are More Or Less The Foremost Experts When It Comes To Being Quote Unquote Fucked up
KANAYA: Anyway He Started It
KANAYA: Nothing Remains But To Finish It
JADE: yikes!
JADE: why don't we all cool off for a second, i wanted to ask calliope something.
JADE: who did you mean by "outsiders?"
CALLIOPE: er, yes.
CALLIOPE: well,
CALLIOPE: i began prepping my Dreamly Majyyks as soon as you were released from *her* hold. we needed to do this before she comes back.
ROXY: this is a special dream bubbie callie set up!
JADE: i dont even remember falling asleep
ROXY: yea i used callies special magic sleep dust on ya
ROXY: sorry for conkin yall out also but callie said we had to do this tonight
KANAYA: I Thought The Dream Bubbles Had Been Destroyed
CALLIOPE: i thoUght so too!
CALLIOPE: the origin of these new bUbbles is Unclear, thoUgh it seems like they might actUally be emanating oUtwards from oUr destination, bUt i mUst admit i'm happy to see them back!
ROXY: ladies ;)
KANAYA: Wow
KANAYA: I Must Say That This Vast Expanse Of Nothingness Was Well Worth The Minute Inconvenience Of Being Majyyked To An Untimely Slumber
KANAYA: Via A Substance That I Am Still Not Altogether Sure Isnt Actively Harmful To Biological Life
ROXY: huffin and puffin up a storm on that bad boy getting real rose
ROXY: and all that noise had me thinking rowdy russet had come back from the dead
ROXY: only to be tragically eaten by a hungry chess guy all over again
JADE: roxy!
ROXY: *contrary to what his name would have you believe rowdy russet was one of my sweetest cats btw :(
JADE: aw :(
JADE: oops did the noise wake you? im about a decade rusty at sucking with this thing. id play an instrument i actually know, but it seems the orchids have too refined taste for the bass.
JADE: soooooo picky
ROXY: nah i was already up making my rounds
ROXY: got my new pjs and i gotta make em known like a traveling circus showing off their newest bearded lady
JADE: i do like your new pj's!
ROXY: thank you theyre the hautest couture on the market fresh from the mind of the schoonervilles very own hikikomaryam
JADE: i notice you and davekat have been getting a lot of clothes from her recently
ROXY: yeah aside from getting those guys to wear something other than the same stank pjs everyday
JADE: (heheh)
ROXY: its also just good to keep her busy with something other than brooding in quiet contemplation all hours of the non-day
ROXY: anywho
ROXY: whatre you cooking up in here harl
JADE: im growing orchids onto the trunk of this tree!
ROXY: they just grow hanging off the branch like that?
JADE: yeah! orchids are a type of plant called epiphytes, meaning they can survive off the backs of other plants instead of in the dirt
JADE: the roots attach themselves to the tree and after some aggressive loving and watering eventually they can grow on the tree all by themselves!
ROXY: ohh so theyre like mistletoe
JADE: well actually mistletoe is parasitic, they suck the water and nutrients straight out of the trees they grow on
JADE: orchids don't do that at all! they just use the tree like an anchor to get to their sweet spot so they can grow. for an orchid to kill a tree it'd have to be huuuuuge
JADE: like huge enough to block out all the sunlight and keep it for itself
ROXY: neat
ROXY: so whats that plant you got in the corner over there
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ROSE: It looked for a moment back there as if you were going to actually go through with our "Mutilate The Hostage Beyond Recognition" ruse.
ROSE: With Yiffy rescued and the other children absent, might now be an appropriate time to... hash it all out?
KANAYA: Mm
KANAYA: And What Do You Feel Needs to be Hashed Exactly
JADE: ugh... well
JADE: kanaya i know you havent been very happy and youre probably super frustrated
JADE: but first off i want to say thank you soooo much for putting everything aside to help us
JADE: youre the reason i have my girl back!
JADE: and with minimal bullet holes too! haha
KANAYA: Ha Ha Ha
JADE: ... also... you have every right to be angry!!
JADE: this isnt a little white lie, its a whole bed of secrets which then became an entire child
JADE: but whatever it takes to earn back your trust ill do it!
JADE: ever since we first met ive respected you, felt cared for by you
JADE: i hate how i returned that kindness...
ROSE: Jade.
JADE: and of course you arent obligated to ever forgive me but... i dont want to lose you too!
JADE: i love you kanaya
JADE: youre my family
KANAYA: You Fucked My Wife
ROSE: Exhales.
KANAYA: My Apologies Jade
KANAYA: That Was Very Brave And Of Course Extremely Forthcoming Of You
KANAYA: A Refreshing Change Of Pace From The Ongoing Process Of Haggling The Truth Out Of The Two Of You Detail By Sordid Detail Following The "Yiffy Reveal"
ROSE: Implying we are leaving out information that could remedy this situation.
KANAYA: Implying
ROSE: Sorry.
KANAYA: I Didnt Want You To Remedy The Situation
KANAYA: I Wanted You To Own It
KANAYA: Instead You Let John Lead The Conversation With His Stupid Questions
KANAYA: And Sprinkled Out A Gauche Attempt At A Tear
JADE: but-
ROSE: A bit shameless perhaps.
JADE: !
KANAYA: It Was Theatrical
KANAYA: Well Unlike John I Am Not A Stranger To Your Lives
KANAYA: When You Feed Me Some Half Baked Lie About Karkat And Dave Wanting To Adopt I Know Better
KANAYA: And Though That Travesty Of A Name Is Undoubtedly An Incomprehensibly Offensive Piece Of This Particular Puzzle
KANAYA: What I See Is Not An Explanation
KANAYA: But A Glossing Over Of The Worst Detail
ROSE: Jane.
KANAYA: Rose That Woman Is Going To Ruin The Future For Our Daughter
KANAYA: And You Snuggled Into A Secrets Bed With Her
KANAYA: For So Long I Couldnt Convince You To Share A Cup Of Tea With Jade
KANAYA: Then Years Later You Happen To Grow A Sympathy Gland And Decide To Jump Right To Sharing Offspring
JADE: its my fault kanaya! she was the only option i had left...
KANAYA: Sure Let Us Go With That Considering Your Stated Distaste For Ectobiology
KANAYA: Thats Only Suitable For Trolls Correct?
JADE: no!
JADE: everyone deserves a choice
JADE: but...
JADE: i already have an entire kingdom of ecto-children
JADE: this had to be different
ROSE: No one wants to contribute to the off brand doppelgangers strolling the streets.
ROSE: Easily the worst aspect of this place.
KANAYA: Is That Why You Acquiesced
KANAYA: ?
KANAYA: Because I Am Stumped On That Part As Well
KANAYA: If Memories Serves When We Were Adopting Vriska
KANAYA: I Mentioned The Precarious Possibility Of A Jadedavekat Brood
KANAYA: What Is It That You Said Again
ROSE:
KANAYA: I Believe Your Approximate Verbiage Was That "Their Dysfunctional Human Centipede Of A Relationship Is Soaking With Lighter Fluid And Begging To Burn" And That You Would Feel Sorry For The Grub
KANAYA: Jades Qualities Rang Too Familiar Right
KANAYA: Evasive
KANAYA: Pushy
KANAYA: Lacking In Proper Coping Mechanisms
KANAYA: Carrying An Air Of Unspeakable Sadness
KANAYA: The Poor Kid
ROSE: Congratulations.
ROSE: You've managed to exhume the solemn cadaver of my mother's memory and make her the star of another argument.
KANAYA: As If You Ever Bothered To Bury Her
ROSE: What does this have to do with anything!?
KANAYA: What I Am Doing Is Demonstrating That I Have No Intention To Mediate This Situation
KANAYA: Or Pacify It
KANAYA: Or Even Be A Little Bit Nice Right Now
KANAYA: So Perhaps Youll Actually Take Me Seriously For Once
KANAYA: Instead Of Assuming You Can Pull The Baabeast Keratin Over My Eyes And Distract Me From The Awful Reality
KANAYA: That You Trusted A Monster Over Me
KANAYA: And Cant Even Tell Me Why!
ROSE: And if you don’t like the answers?
KANAYA: That Is Future Roses Problem
ROSE: I see...
ROSE: Ok.
JADE: (ok...?)
ROSE: I want it on the record, involving Jane was not my decision.
ROSE: But it was a pre-established requisite that I did not fight against.
ROSE: It is Jade’s child after all.
ROSE: And you’re not completely wrong, either.
ROSE: I may have felt some... pang of responsibility. For a litany of psychologically revealing reasons.
ROSE: But more than anything else, I took her up on it because it felt oddly
ROSE: inevitable.
ROSE: Anyways,
ROSE: Deep down, I knew it didn’t matter.
ROSE: However we handled it.
ROSE: Whatever hurt we caused.
ROSE: It was never that serious.
ROSE: I knew you would forgive me.
KANAYA: Rose
KANAYA: When Did You Stop Trying
JADE: yeah rose!!!!!
JADE: what the fuck!!!!
JADE: this is not what we discussed...
JADE: you're devaluing kanaya's feelings, minimizing our impact on her!
JADE: woah, im defending you!!!
KANAYA: NO
KANAYA: YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF
JADE: b-but i just dont want things to get even worse!!!!!!
KANAYA: Then Stop Pretending That My Feelings Are Top Priority
KANAYA: AND TRY BEING HONEST FOR ONCE
JADE: WHAT DOES IT EVEN MATTER!!!!!!!
KANAYA: Excuse Me?
JADE: you heard me!
JADE: you were wronged kanaya!
JADE: the truth cant change that
JADE: saying it just fucking hurts more
JADE: what does that accomplish?
JADE: its so embarrassing, would you even get it if i had?
JADE: you havent been alone since we were thirteen
JADE: and the first chance you got you packed up your cosmic purpose and hid away in the brooding caverns
JADE: you have no idea what its like out there
JADE: how traumatizing dating regular citizens was
JADE: imagine trying to love someone who already knows every available detail about you
JADE: who has *opinions* on what happened to you as a child
JADE: who assumes youre indestructible
JADE: newsflash it fucking sucks!!!!!!! because no matter how nice they were
JADE: they didnt want to know me
JADE: they wanted to date the god of space
JADE: and i felt SORRY
JADE: for disappointing *THEM*!!!!!
KANAYA:
ROSE: I had my suspicions but I had no idea it’d been that bad.
ROSE: You didn’t even hint at it.
JADE: why would i?????
JADE: so everyone could lecture me again on how "bad" my "boundaries" are?
ROSE: (I did that one time.)
JADE: you want bad boundaries
JADE: do you know how many people would be waiting outside public bathrooms to talk to me about their problems?
JADE: this one guy randomly started apologizing because they cooked their hamster in the microwave!
JADE: and they looked so sad... i had to hug them and say it was ok
JADE: but it was not ok!
JADE: they murdered their hamster!
Rose: Ugh...
JADE: and their other hamster killed itself
KANAYA: JADE
JADE: out of loneliness!!!!!
KANAYA: GET TO THE POINT
KANAYA: !!!!!!!!
JADE: millions of people told me they loved me
JADE: but i was never a real person to them
JADE: i couldn't let that happen to yiffy too
KANAYA: What
JADE: i had to save her kanaya!
JADE: give her the chance to grow up as a normal kid with a normal life
JADE: not one where people would befriend her to get close to me
JADE: or fucking bark at her while walking down the street!!!!!!!
JADE: and jane had the resources to provide that
JADE: every scare weve had she was able to cover up
JADE: she literally controls the media for christs sake
KANAYA: We Could Have Figured It Out
KANAYA: Indebting Yourselves To The Second Coming Of The Condescension Was Hardly The Only Answer
KANAYA: I Was Right Here
JADE: thats true but
JADE: you could have said no
JADE: or worse
JADE: i can live with rose doing this because she wanted to see what would happen
JADE: but i couldnt stand the idea of owing my kid to the fact you felt sorry for me!
JADE: especially after the dave and karkat... situation...
JADE: i couldnt do that again
KANAYA: We Could Have Helped You If You Let Us
JADE: i needed a fresh start, not to sit around taking care of grubs and watching shitty romcoms forever and wasting away in an empty house!
JADE: i wanted to live!
JADE: and living here is already so hard
JADE: and not only because of the war or what happened to dirk or whatever the hell is wrong with john
JADE: the world is fucked!!!
JADE: and yet, despite all that, yiffy turned out to be so good
JADE: and she's mine.
JADE: yiffy exists because i needed her to.
JADE: ... shes the only future i have left
KANAYA:
ROSE:
JADE:
KANAYA: Jade I Recognize You Have Had To Sacrifice Principles To Survive
