I'm Tired.

I was sorely debating continuing new game plus because I am still devastated by how it ended. (Both endings)

While marinating in grief I remembered the song Road to Hell. (Which is what I'm feeling tbh)

The line that struck the most were

"It's a sad song. It's a tragedy

but we're gonna sing it anyway."

Clair Obscur Expedition 33 is a tragedy.

No one got their happy ending. Not Maelle, not Verso (and before someone says Verso dying is a happy ending for him. Verso believed that his existence is a MISTAKE despite Esquie, Monoco, and Maelle telling him no.) and especially the people in Lumiere. (Gustave died for nothing. No one is coming after)

But I'm gonna play it anyway.

Thinking that the game is a tragedy is helping me come to terms with the pain that is coming and that already exists. I love this game and going through everything again, knowing that it's gonna end badly, is soothing for lack of a better word.

"Maybe it'll turn out this time?"

It's not gonna, but I think that's the point. The hope, no matter how small, that things will be different. That's what Maelle wanted to be true.

That's what Renoir wanted to believe from Maelle, and that's what Verso didn't want to believe.

For the past few days my mind has been obsessed with the idea of cosplaying as Lune with her skirt outfit.

I've been going back and forth between trying to thrift pieces of her outfit which is HARD because my mind has focused on the fact that her shirt is a black 3/4 button down sleeve with black polkadot details and front pleates!!! It is difficult to find a shirt like that let alone a fabric like it here in my country.

I've been nips deep in instagram shops looking for as close an approximation I can find.

I have several pieces of it in my cart from Shein but I don't have the heart to purchase it because one, fast fashion and two if my skin doesn't like the fabric material I will crash out and not wear it which is just a waste of money and resources.

I can't sew. I don't have the space or capacity to sew right now. I don't even have a sewing machine. I did buy a sewing kit so I can sew magnets to my Baguette for Lune's Baguette outfit but my skills are mediocre at best and it took me two hours to do it.

I'm also not in my best shape right now. I'm supposed to have lost 13kg starting from January but I've only lost 6kg of fat while getting even more bulky because of muscle gain so it doesn't look like I did anything at all.

I have a bet that if I'm at 82kg by the end of June then I won't cancel my trip to Japan to participate in the world cosplay summit.

Begone!!! RAHHHHH

I just found Julie and Verso's log. I've been playing the Thank you update and I needed a specific picto that can only be found in the Flying Manor.

Rode Esquie and went there and I was just flying around, enjoying the view when I saw a familiar glint below. I found Verso's log first. And Julie's second.

I can never forgive Verso for his choice. I understood it. In an empathetic way, I UNDERSTOOD why. But I don't accept his choice.

Hearing his log is like opening a still-fresh wound.

"We deserve to live. All of us." That's what he said.

"But Bitch, you lied." That is what I said out loud on a rainy monday afternoon.

Sitting there reading his words long after the voice log has finished, I can't help but think about things.

Would finding the log before the end change his decision? In the context of the game, would me finding their logs first would change my opinion of him?

I think not. Because from the very beginning I have always rooted for Lumiere. I've said it repeatedly, I wanted an ending for Lumiere. Because it was supposed to be for those who come after. Right?

It's been a few months. I understand that the game is a tragedy. A tragedy of loss, love and grief. I understand this because this game haunts me still, it occupies a corner of my mind that I often visit.

But it doesn't hurt any less.

And if I found their logs before facing the finale, I think his choice would've hurt more.