Persiflager

Waiting at the side of the road for Rhona to return from a chemist in July 2013, Laurel was attacked by Ross whilst tending to a crying Leo. Dressed in a black hoodie, he demanded Laurel to drive and when she wouldn't, he put his hand over her face and struggled with her. Laurel fought him off and managed to force herself and Leo out of the car and away from him. Ross drove off with Laurel's car leaving them at the side of the road.

Air date: 22 March 1998

Fictional location: Midsomer Worthy

Body count: 3 (2 murders, 1 accident)

Time until first onscreen death: 21.06

Tech level: love those chunky desktop computers and word processing software!

Familiar faces: Anna Massey playing a very different sort of old lady from Miss Marple, and Una Stubbs as a magnificent drunk

Homophobia level: This is the high water mark for the series, which is really saying something, and shockingly Troy's comments are the least of it. Gerald Hadley is a confusing and contradictory mix of stereotypes that is nevertheless an excellent summary of attitudes among the Daily Mail-reading section of the UK population in the mid-90s.

Incest level: between Honoria being obsessed with her late brother and Edie's brother taking pictures of her having sex with Brian Clapper, I'd call this middling for Midsomer.

Best line: Brian Clapper saying that he woke up and 'went for a wan- a walk'.

Other points to note: Brian Clapper is a creep but I do think it's a good portrayal of a particular type of self-deluding teacher, and the puncturing of his hypocrisy is very good. Also that is some top-notch snobbery from Honoria Lyddiard - you just don't get that qualify of

Air date: 23 March 1997

Fictional location: Badger's Drift

Body count: 7 (4 murders, 3 suicides)

Time of first onscreen death: 5:28

Tech level: CCTV, Directory Enquiries, landline, film camera

Fashion: classic 90s curtains on Troy

Familiar faces: that's a teenage Jessica Hynes!!

Homophobia level: Troy getting told off for saying 'arse bandits' (Troy, why are you like this).

Incest level: off the charts. As well as the canonical sibling incest, there's the creepy mother and son Rainbirds kissing each other on the lips, the middle-aged man attempting to marry the girl he's been raising since she was a pre-teen, and an honourable mention for poor Phyllis (not considered incest since the landmark Deceased Wife's Sister's Marriage Act of 1907). A big win for incest fans.

Best line: Dennis Rainbird's delivery of 'I see you've got a right constable there' in reference to Troy.

Other points to note: George Bullard says at the start that it's been a while since he's seen Tom, and implies that murders aren't very frequent. This episode therefore marks the start of the nearly two-decade-long killing spree/crime wave that is to terrorise this area of England and continues unchecked to the present day.

Robert: like you did with John?

Robert: oh no! Yes, it's true, I'm a bad husband. Of course you hate me now and want to finish things, I completely understand.

Kev: ... wait-

Robert: obviously you couldn't possibly stay with a liar like me, I'm the worst.

Kev: - no, hang on-

Robert: I'll get the divorce papers drawn up asap. Soz!

Chrissie White, the OG. Beautiful, had terrific chemistry with Robert, literally none of this was her fault. Also delivered the iconic line 'There's only one person in my marriage sleeping with another man and IT'S NOT ME!'. Should have lived and gotten to heckle them for years to come.

Finn Barton. Controversially high! He showed up to have one mediocre shag with Aaron and then make Robert jealous, leading to the 'upstairs now' scene. Efficient and effective.

On a similar note, Mike the chef. Hit on Robert and precipitated Reunion 2.0, all in one night.

Dr Alex. Also controversially high! However I would argue that he was never actually an obstacle to Robert and Aaron getting back together, and in fact helped them work through several of their issues (both as individuals and as a couple) and ensure that Reunion 2.0 was on solid ground. An unconventional approach to marriage counselling but I think he deserves the credit.

John Sugden (*). Bonus points for all the murder and gaslighting, negative points for making Aaron into a hollow shell of a man. Mega bonus points for bringing out all of Robert's daddy issues.

Kev Townsend (**). I find him hugely entertaining and he's massively woken Aaron up, but he is making Robert miserable and stressed and that is not OK. On the other hand, would Robert have ever talked about his prison trauma if the physical embodiment of it hadn't shown up at his door? Further research is needed.

Rebecca White. Boring and annoying. The only person on this list who actively set out to break them up rather than just being an unfortunate victim of their horrible love. I also think she was pretty cute and she did once threaten Vic with an iron which I enjoyed, but overall my least favourite with one obvious exception.

Owen whatshisface. A literal date rapist. Only redeeming feature was that it was kind of nice seeing Robert kiss someone taller than him.

*TBC depending on what he gets up to when he inevitably returns. To be clear, I will be giving bonus points for every life he puts in danger.

With John it's the lying, manipulation, making decisions for Aaron under the guise of taking care of him, and generally stripping Aaron of his agency. This has been an issue for Aaron (with regards to Robert) since at least 2015, and he ended up marrying someone who took it all to the maximum possible extreme.

And Kev is a volatile, violent man who depends entirely on Robert for his emotional support/mental health. Robert complained (not unreasonably) in 2017 about having to be strong for Aaron all the time, and now he's married to a man who's about thirty seconds away from committing murder in any given scene if Robert isn't calm, smiley, and generally devoting all of his energy to keeping Kev on an even keel.

And! Not only do we have Kev and John floating about, but Robert and Aaron themselves are also reverting to type, or at least scared that the other will. Robert's been lying to Aaron, again. When Aaron finds out he's probably going to kick off, again.