a retro-spective

At my intelligence

Like it was some

Unwieldy sort of

Disgusting curse.

I couldn’t bear the thought

Of my thoughts.

The way my patterns

Didnt fit well with the others.

And even still I wish I could

Stoop to their levels

And live in the half lit dimly world

They live in.

I wish I could thrive.

Instead I sit blindly

In this all too bright world of my own

It was a lot like kissing you

My lips brushed the tip

Barely the surface

Distant and stone cold

Yet it

Set me aflame.

And I fell, down.

I looked at the time I slit my wrists.

And now as I turn away to, the

Red eyes

Against the pale bay-

Ripe and brimming

They burn

Like lines in a sunset sky.

And the water tastes like rust hard metal

Scraping on my teeth.

And my mind pounds agony through my veins.

Gushing.

And so suddenly like it started,

It stops.

And on July 26th,

I got back up-

Letting you influence everything single fucking thing i do.

I have never experienced an ache this great.

A want slowly

Turning into a need slowly

Turning into an addiction slowly

Becoming a part of my being.

And the past of you

Is laced with the present of me and i can't seem to let you go.

I just want to know why you couldn't even let me say "i miss you."

I miss you.

And that's all they were.

Just words.

She called me a bitch and

I went over to her.

I grabbed at her coffee in a childish manner.

She pushed back.

I pushed back.

We were fighting.

The water spilled.

We fell harsh across the room.

“Sit down.” she told me. 

I would not sit. 

I pushed. 

She actually smirked at my weak attempts. 

We pushed.

We ended up in the other room,

Your hands around my throat. 

“I 

hate 

you.” 

She said to your eyes and soul and 

you couldn’t breath.

Finally she let go. You sucked in the air, tight in your throat. 

She grabbed her shit and left.

And you were left broken and tired 

Maybe my inheritance isn't necessarily my fault, though i find it to fault me warily.

My stare has been, scaring me lately.

And i do not recognize those too dead eyes.

They flit like weary bees.

And my mind has distanced,

Myself from any reasonable dissonance.

And i cannot keep coping this way.

Keep breathing,

With these needle point too tight lungs that, in any given senario would be sure to drown me.

The moon touches you from the roof,

And the stars kiss away your tears like dew drops.

The sky is but a blanket

That will envelope you slowly

As part of the grad scheme.

And the screams you hear are only distant in the cosmos

For there is no pain here.

Ignore the knocking of your thoughts

And float along

Is it enough to watch particles of dust float by in a sunbeam?

Suspended in a brief moment of time, captivating the eye. 

Shining.

Is it enough to see the sun?

To feel its warmth?

Even on the hottest day,

My icy tundra rages on. 

Destroying the peace..

Wreaking the heart..

Making it hard to breath.

And soon,

All that's left of me,

Are particles of dust, 

Slightly, misshapenly

In a puddle, to the left.

And I grasp

That serial floating ache of desire

To replace the abyss of being alone.

Screaming right through

The facade of my bones.

I dift.

And i am always

This fucking feeling,

That the world is ending.

And has been ending.

For the longest time.

I rebuild,

Only to crumble

Presently.

I resent you just to resent-

Myself again.

I lie for you,

In an attempt to make myself believe you-

Again.

I try for you,

Just to make myself feel okay

Again.

And in the end,

I always have, and,

always will be,

Less than I was.

And slightly misshapen.

Feeling drifted.

feeling lost 

In a small space, 

Lay me to waste in the noise.

I am inherently tasteless-

(More like a fucking mess).

And I cannot escape,

So I further the destruction of the body,

In any way I may please.

With no slight worry from the soul.

In slight tepid water- 

Do the flowers grow 

red and violent.

And like a familiar act, I cower. 

Like a fleck-

Like an itch-

Much like I wish to be a fly,

the sound carries such harsh vibrations, 

That I am forced into this uncomfortable posture.

And my spine carries me forward,

Into the ground.

And there is nothing but dirt in my ears and noise in my mouth.

So I find that silence tastes the best when it is crafted between

Brown stained teeth.

Harsh, like a cigarette drag.

Slow and degrading.

And thoroughly, 

my chest heaves my bones into a cavern-

And through the space,

The flowers grow. 

And they are tall and pretty screaming things.

They scream for what they ache,

They scream for what they cannot hold within them.

And somewhere sweet in their longing,

they scream for me

And ache for the replenishing of my bones.

you’ve told me so. 

I hurt you, 

you’ve told me so. 

so

FUCKING

utterly, crushingly, disappointed

in us.

and it was just today

when i realized that look on your face

was something to be ashamed of.

it was in the way you held your head,

held your gaze, 

held me in your arms.

every inch of you 

was around 25 ft away from me. 

and it was just today that I realized 

that the way you said my name,

was just a taunt. 

and it was just today

when i realized

you were no longer