transcript:
โSo we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And theyโre like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronicโฆ like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleepโ and they donโt include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screamsย โfestive holiday cheerโ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothinโ will jingle your jangles more.
So, um, this woman comes in and sheโs like,ย โDo you have these?โ and Iโm like,ย โOh my god, yeah!โ So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is,ย โIโm not racist, butโฆโ and Iโm like, well, I canโtโ Iโm not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if likeโ if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, weโre talking about Santa. Likeโ (stuttering) did we switch subjects?
And so, um, Iโm in like, Iโ the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like,ย โThis is not right.โ and Iโm like, okay, Iโm sorry, but this is what the picture was. And sheโs like,ย โNo.ย Santa is white.โ And Iโm like, oh no, okay. Okay. So Iโm inโ Iโm about to tell her, Iโm like, mid-sentence, like,ย โIโm sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.โ And sheโs like,ย โThis is wrong, I want them taken down.โ She interrupts me, says that, and Iโm like, (pause). I like, look around, and Iโm like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.
So, um, Iโm like,ย โI canโt take these Santas down.โ And sheโs like,ย โWhy not?!โ And Iโm like,ย โYou either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.โ And that was like, theย stupidest thing I could have ever said, becauseโ (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesusโs face, like, slammed right in the middle as a designโ itโs bigโ she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beatingย these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling downโฆ and Iโm like, oh my god! Whatโ what is happening?
So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and Iโm like,ย โMaโam, maโam, you need to leave, you need to stop, or Iโm going to have to call someone.โ So she like, stops, and sheโs like, beet red, and like, huffinโ and puffinโ, and she like, looks at me and I can tell sheโs just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and sheโs like,ย โThe Santa I knowย is white.โ And then she walks away. And Iโm like, wellโ Iโm processing whatโs happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santaโs not real. So unless youโre using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, Iโm like, thatโs pretty impressive, but how ya doinโ that. And, um, Iโ the last thought that ran through my mind is that, Iโm like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.โ
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