"I am tired. Too full of stuff I've done. Where my legs hurt where my scalp hurts. I'll not fight the thing inside me anymore. Let it eat me up. Please God. I want it to."
- Eimear McBride, A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing
Note that my blog contains adult content. If you are not of legal age, please do not engage.
You can find me on ao3 — halfformedthing.
Please find a compilation of my writings below. Though I am not new to writing fanfiction, I am new to sharing it publicly. Please handle these stories gently. Feedback is always welcome and appreciated. :,)
Do not replicate my writings or feed them to the soulless beast AI.
My asks are always open (currently writing for akotsk). I am still learning the shape of my boundaries, so requests and prompts will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
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A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms
Asks for any and all akotsk characters are welcome!
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Maekar Targaryen
One-Shots, Drabbles, etc.
something with teeth (mature)
Summary: Maekar and you take salvia. (Please note that this is a fanfic of a fanfic. The premise is inspired by the limits of your longing by @winterstellars )
ultraviolence (explicit)
Summary: Commander Maekar Targaryen saves you from a fatal mistake after you disobey orders, trapping you both in a collapsed basement on enemy lines. He punishes you for this.
Multi-Chapter
We Tell Ourselves Stories (mature)
Summary: Five years. There was a line between you and him, once, but it blurred the way these things do: slowly, then all at once, until it was past the point of ever having been. You told yourself it was mutual. You told yourself you understood the terms.
Index:
i. “Prologue” — 1.3k
ii. “Yours,” — 2.7k
iii. “Instant Noodles” — 4.9k
iv. “Feast Day” — 6.7k
v. “Babyteeth” — 6.3k
vi. “No Prices” — 8.3k
vii. coming soon
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update: wtos and ultraviolence are on hiatus until 8/1. i havent abandoned ship , things have just spiraled out of control in my personal life and to wrest back some level of control i decided i need to get tf away from everyone and everything ive ever known (solid plan right??) , ive started working two full time jobs to help me move out of state by august , unfortunately 80 hour work weeks are not conducive for writing , my brain is effectively rotting mush and i am very tired :/ … but i have ideas and i know where these stories are gonna go i just cant put pen to paper until im out of this , im really sorry for the delay and lack of clarity up front
Crime and Punishment becoming girlblogger brainrot was not in Dostoevski's 1866 bingo anyways here's the full quote bc it destroys me
"It was not because of your dishonour and your sin I said that of you, but because of your great suffering. But you are a great sinner, that's true," he added almost solemnly, "and your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing. Isn't that fearful? Isn't it fearful that you are living in this filth which you loathe so, and at the same time you know yourself (you've only to open your eyes) that you are not helping anyone by it, not saving anyone from anything? Tell me," he went on almost in a frenzy, "how this shame and degradation can exist in you side by side with other, opposite, holy feelings? It would be better, a thousand times better and wiser to leap into the water and end it all!"
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Différent anon but can I ask you sort of a personal question? Please feel free to ignore this if you don’t want to speak about it. I’ve read your works and from what I can understand, you were in a relationship with an older man that seemed to have been a teacher of some sorts? I was in a similar situation as you a few years ago, also with a man 20 years my senior and in an academic context. I’ve also completely fallen into this akostk hole, especially the maekar/sam spruell rabbit hole and I found out that he did a short film where he plays a teacher having an affair with his much younger student. I guess I was wondering how you’re feeling about this? Will you watch or do you even want to watch it? It may be strange but for me it’s kind of surreal that the man/actor I’m currently obsessing over will play a character that represents such a hidden part of my life, it kind of feels like it’s done on purpose if that makes sense? It kind of scares me to see sam play that role but at the same time I fear I’ll be even more attracted to him because of it..would love to hear what you think or how you feel about it
apologies for taking a bit longer to respond to this (and thank u so so much for reaching out i hope you're doing well anon <333) , i had to think about this for a little while. yes, he was a phd student when i met him. he ran the discussion section i was in for a theory course. hello fellow survivor of a student/teacher age-gap situationship lol
I think u raised a really important question: why are we attracted to fictional characters that resemble people in our lives who aren’t good for us?
probably the most honest answer i can give is that we return to this archetype of jaded older male characters because the original experience of our respective situations was unfinished. not unfinished in the sense that we still want it (although i can’t speak for u personally), but unfinished in the sense that we never fully understood it while we were inside it. wtos is literally me trying to make sense of it like not being able to see the shape of something when you’re standing in the middle of it. so we find proxies. fictional characters who carry the same atmosphere (for me, that’s usually emotional detachment, narcissism, abuse of authority, just generally fucked in the head type shi) and we use them to look at the thing we were in from a distance that feels safer
w the sam thing specifically, i definitely understand the surreal feeling. there’s something strange about an obsession born out of a need to understand a past wound, only for that obsession to suddenly produce a literal, onscreen mirror of it . honestly idk if i’ll watch “acts of kindness.” i’m honestly scared that it’ll make me miss it. and i think seeing how young the actress is will trigger tf out of me bc i’ll be forced to confront how young i was when it started. at the time i genuinely thought i was in control of myself, i thought i was mature enough, that i’d chosen this, that i understood what was happening. i didn’t and i didn’t learn that until i got out. and so if i watch “acts of kindness” and still feel the pull which i definitely will bc its sam spruell i mean cmonnnnn then i have to sit with what that means. that will not be a clean feeling
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hey… you don’t have to answer this but i came across that post you made a few hours ago and i just wanted to check if you’re okay..? idk if it’s an irl thing you shared as in something you went through yourself or something else but either way just checking in, sometimes venting to strangers in the shadows can help with our inner demons
forgot to delete that one whoopsie, but genuinely ty for checking in 🖤 i forget i’m not just shouting my personal bs into a void lol , but yes i think you’re right, and i’ve been trying to figure out why that is. i think maybe strangers get the truth from us because there’s no history to protect, no version of u they need to keep believing in. with the people closest to us there’s all this accumulated image, all this weight of being known a certain way, and honesty starts to feel like a kind of betrayal of that, like you’d be undoing something, whereas here it just like goes out and either someone catches it or they don’t , so thank u for catching it 🖤
summary: just a drabble of you and your coach getting hot and heavy in the changing rooms.
pairing: mike webster x fem!reader
warning(s): this is just straight porn, thigh riding, fingering, allusions to smut, older man/younger woman (reader early 20s perhaps — not specified but reader is a football player for the sake of canon, if we pretend it’s a women’s team HA)
a/n: how down bad does this make me on a scale of 1-10 nvm don’t answer.. tho you’re reading it so 👀👀
It shouldn’t have happened like this, it never should have happened to begin with, you both knew it. It should have been drinks, celebration and nothing more. But both of you also knew, that you couldn’t stop.
Your own coach.
And yet you were there anyway.
The light fixtures above you flickered and buzzed, doors opening and closing down the corridor, but all you could hear and see, and feel was him.
“Come on, make yourself feel good sweetheart..”
Hard muscle flexed between your legs, grinding along the seam of your panties and right into your aching pussy where you’d straddled one of his thighs. The rigid sides of the wooden bench dug into your knee but you couldn’t care less, and you could hardly feel it over the throbbing heat pooling at your core.
Your clothes had been long gone, thrown across the tiled floor carelessly as he’d tugged you into the room. Your shorts were a pool on the floor along with his jacket, exposed breasts pebbling under the cool air.
This was reward. Supposedly, though it had only felt like punishment. With the locker room emptied, everyone gone after celebrating a win that you had managed to place the final score.
His favourite pupil, his star player. It was only right to treat you, to fuck you dumb and have you boneless in his arms.
Slender fingers curled tight around your waist, clamping at your hips where he let you work, steadying you as you rocked into the friction between you.
“That’s it..” He egged you on, the rough edge of his voice barely above a whisper.
God, you must have looked a mess. His mess. Your hair fallen and mussed around your forehead, rocking back with every drag of material against your clothed clit. He could have bent you over in an instant, and fuck he wanted to, the press of his aching cock teasing into your leg. But he made you work for it, just a little longer. His foot planted harsher to the floor, the mesh of his shorts bunching up just past his knee, making you feel more of him.
“Please..” You moaned, your hands placed onto the hard planes of his shoulders.
“Work for it..” His voice was almost mocking, encouraging with a small smile as your mouth parted open, his grip working your harder against his thigh. A string of pleas fell from your lips, your eyes screwed tightly with need that couldn’t be sated.
The fabric at your core was slid away in an instant, bunched aside as he lifted you to hover his groin, two fingers slipping between you and where you needed him most.
“This all for me yeah? Good girl..” He didn’t wait for an answer, and he didn’t need one, not when you’d been begging for him, getting under his skin at every opportunity. You nodded lazily, your head rocked back as he thumbed your folds, sliding two long digits at your entrance. Arousal dripped at his fingertips as you mewled, a flush creeping your neck and spine.
More.
“Rock against em then go on.”
And you gave in.
Sweat beaded your brow as your thighs squeezed tighter, the flesh of your ass cupped by his fingers digging in, pulling you impossibly close. Two fingers curled deep, rubbing your walls with merciless pumps that made the pressure burn deep in your belly. You bucked into it, following his motions as he beckoned you closer and closer, your head lulling into his own.
His lips found yours, head sinking to catch where he caught you in a sharp kiss, tongue sweeping across your lip as it pushed between them. He hummed against them, your lips locking as your breaths mixed, your fingers finding their way through his hair.
“Earn it, make yourself cum and I’ll fuck you properly..”
You bucked harder, grinding down to where his calloused palm grazed your clit with every thrust and pump of his fingers. Whines filled the room above his groans, breathed against your lips and into your skin like a brand. His other hand snaked up to your breast, cupping it harshly, pinching your sensitive nipple between his thumb and pointer that made you squirm.
He held you in place as you neared, your climax approaching just as he fell back against the lockers, dark eyes watching you fuck your self onto his fingers shamelessly. Desperately. And you took it, his fingers pressing deeper into the spot that made you groan with every movement you arched into them, coming undone with every rock of your body.
You squeezed him tight, back arching into his hold as he tugged you to his chest, yours heaving as wetness dripped down from his thick fingers, still curled inside of you.
“My star..”
A hand placed possessively at your back, flattening as you eased. You shuddered as his breath hit your ear, the throb of his cock tenting his shorts.
went back to see him and i told myself nothing was going to happen but we still ended up doing things and now i feel fucking disgusting , he admitted that he groomed me , i was 19 and he was 41 when we met and i thought bc i made it obvious i had a crush on him it was different but for him it was just an invitation to fuck with my head , and idk how to reconcile any of the past five years with that admission idk how to even believr him when he says he still loves me bc now everythings warped and tainted and i cant fucking deal because really nothing’s changed but also too it feels like everything has and as terrible as it is to admit i still love him but like do i love the person i thought he was or the person he actually is and if it’s the latter am i just irrevocably fucked
i left when he was still asleep and i stole the book i gave him for his birthday two years ago along with the cash from his wallet bc gas is expensive and he lives an hour away lol and read the note i wrote in the flyleaves and it was so fucking jarring bc i was a completely different person when i wrote that and i thought he was a completely different person when i wrote that too
like fuck man he wrote his dissertation on ethics meanwhile he was grooming his fucking student its a fucking sick joke
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I love it when fan fiction writers are like: “ah shit, this was meant to be one part but I started writing it and now it has to be three”. Like the fanfic is happening to them and not being created by them.
Musings of a Half-Formed Thing @halfformedthing - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
