got drunk and messaged my ex, what tf do you mean that didn't make me feel any better?? rude

god i'm so fucking pathetic

can i please just wake up next to you and this have all been a horrible fucked up nightmare and you love me and would never cheat on me and you pull me in and i cuddle up to your chest and the memory fades away and everything is fine and we're fine please can this just be another nightmare please

why do i have to deal with the pain of them cheating on me multiple times, and the pain of having to end it because i can't get over them cheating on me, and the pain of them being better without me, and they just get to be fine??? it's not fucking fair. i have to just live with this and somehow heal from all this bullshit and they get to be fine and good and probably talk to other people and not give a single fuck about me or what they've done to me IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR

it's actually so fucking embarrassing to message them when i'm falling apart and i know they're doing better without me but i just can't stop myself. i know i shouldn't want scraps of attention from someone who hurt me, i know i can't heal from the pain they've caused me when i'm not getting space, but i just don't care anymore. everything sucks without them and i feel so fucking miserable. i feel like i'm going insane all i can do is think about them all I want is them. i don't care anymore. i hate this. i hate that they cheated on me and i still want them. i hate feeling this ache in my chest. i hate every fucking thing about this

why am i always so easy to leave? why do i matter so little to people that i'm always so easy to leave and forget about and move on from and i'm stuck having to carry all the grief and pain and heartache

i'm like 5 days away from 700 days without weed. next month it'll be 2 years. and the past 6 days have been the hardest since the first 2 weeks. i don't want to feel any of this anymore. my heart hurts so bad. like my chest genuinely aches.

apparently my ex has been doing good since the breakup while i've been struggling to eat, sleep, function at all, can't stop crying, my chest hurts constantly. so it was easy to cheat on me AND easy to not be with me hahahaha cool awesome i am doing sooo great

haven't posted anything on tumblr in almost a year but me and my fiancee broke up yesterday and all i want to do is message them so i'm screaming into the void here instead

might just isolate from everyone for a while

11 months sober from weed and 7 months without cigarettes and every fucking day lately has been a struggle, its just a matter of time before i start smoking again i fear

being vague but im drunk so im venting. lately ive been struggling with strong urges of a specific bad coping mechanism i havent done in years, like since 2019/2020. would honestly relapse if i didnt have a partner. tbh i would relapse all my bad coping mechanisms if i didnt have my fiancee. like ngl if we ever broke up the absolute first thing i would do is buy weed and tobacco im soooo serious i would just smoke until i green tf out and then wake up and keep smoking

why am I never enough for anyone?