vent blog

A lot of people who've gone through really awful friendship experiences, usually involving abuse or betrayal, tend to hard-correct their expectations and over-value "loyalty" above everything else.

And while there's nothing inherently wrong with setting your own standards for what a friendship is, you should know that standard is very attractive to serial abusers and financial grifters.

If you do not feel comfortable calling out a friend for bad behavior, that person is in fact not your friend.

Let me repeat that:

If you do not feel comfortable calling out a friend for bad behavior, that person is in fact not your friend.

If you think any kind of calling out: gentle prodding, pointing out a mistake, correcting a misconception or asking them to stop perpetuating any level of bigotry... if you think any of that is inherently an attack, you might have found yourself in the thrall of a narcissist abuser.

Because here's the thing, friends want friends to be better. Friends want friends to be comfortable and happy and not in pain. For someone to be their friend, they need to care about you and your well-being at least much as they expect you to care about theirs. If you're not at liberty of point out when they've hurt you or when they've done you harm? That person is not your friend.

And I know that can be devastating to discover. I understand that sometimes we're in the orbit of very charismatic people and it's disappointing and a little scary when they do something that's wrong - say something they might not realize is racist or homophobic or just plain factually wrong - and there's that moment of panic of, "oh god, am I really going to be That Guy?" But if they're really your friend, if you do care about them, you should have faith in them.

If they're your friend, you should be able to reach out in private and point out the problem, and the reaction shouldn't be inherently aggression and outrage for you daring to speak up. Because if they're your friend, they will be sorry and upset and possibly horrified, that they hurt you. They will ask how to correct and make amends and they will speak with you about how to go about it. Because you not being hurt will be far more important to them, than appearing to always be right.

Just... think about it. Think about your friendships. It's always heartbreaking to realize you care about someone a lot more than they care about you, but it's important to acknowledge it, because that's the only way you can avoid being blindsided.

And there's also nothing wrong with caring more about someone who doesn't really care about you, per se. You just have to be aware that's how it is, and set your own expectations. Knowing is always infinitely more comforting than living with the anxiety of not being sure where you stand, with the people you love.

I’ve decided to start a blog to talk about something that many people have seen or experienced, but don’t know the word for: emotional incest, or covert incest.

I’m not sure if the fact that the word “incest” is involved will stop this post from getting put in tags, so I’m really relying on reblogs to get the word out. (this is my second attempt at an intro post)

If you relate to anything listed below, you might want to check it out and learn more about the topic:

- eldest daughter syndrome

- feeling like your parent’s therapist

- feeling like something is off about your relationship with a parent, but can’t put your finger on it (an “ick factor”)

- feeling like you are the parent and your parent is the child

- feeling like you parent treats/treated you more like a friend or partner than a child

- feeling like you know way too much about your parent 

- you are or were “too close” with a parent