by the angel

THE PROLOGUE.

‘  i am a child of a money hungry, prideful country.  ’ ‘  hands so bloody.  ’ ‘  tastes like honey.  ’ ‘  i’m finding it hard to leave.  ’

100 LETTERS.

‘  king midas put his hands on me again.  ’ ‘  he said one day i’d realize why i didn’t have any friends.  ’ ‘  i find myself alone at night unless i’m having sex.  ’ ‘  he can make me golden if i just showed some respect.  ’ ‘  i don’t let him touch me anymore.  ’ ‘  i’m not something to butter up and taste when you’re bored.  ’ ‘  i have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors.  ’ ‘  please don’t go away.  ’ ‘  it’s too late.  ’ ‘  i can’t stop thinking that i can’t stop thinking.  ’ ‘  i almost gave you everything.  ’ ‘  now the whole thing’s finished.  ’ ‘  i can’t stop wishing that i never gave you anything.  ’ ‘  i wrote a hundred letters.  ’

EYES CLOSED.

‘  i know what to say.  ’ ‘  it’s all the same.  ’ ‘  i know this game.  ’ ‘  if i keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you.  ’ ‘  he’ll never stay.  ’ ‘  he’ll never stay, they never do.  ’ ‘  if i keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you.  ’ ‘  you’ve been replaced.  ’ ‘  i’m face to face with someone new.  ’ ‘  would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you.  ’ ‘  tell me where i went wrong.  ’ ‘  he don’t realize that i’m thinking about you.  ’ ‘  he don’t realize that i’m thinking about you. it’s nothing new.  ’ ‘  it’s nothing new.  ’

HEAVEN IN HIDING.

‘  can you hear my heartbeat fucking kickin?  ’ ‘  you best believe that i got something up my sleeve.  ’ ‘  no time for wishful thinking.  ’ ‘  you thought that you were the boss tonight, but i can put up a good fight.  ’ ‘  i can put up a good fight.  ’ ‘  i flip the script like i can take a beating.  ’ ‘  i can put on a show.  ’ ‘  don’t you see what you’re finding?  ’ ‘  this is heaven in hiding.  ’ ‘  i don’t have no time for conversation.  ’ ‘  this ain’t what you usually do.  ’ ‘  a girl like me is new for you.  ’ ‘  i can tell you mean it ‘cause you’re shaking.  ’

ALONE.

‘  he tried to phone me, but i never have the time.  ’ ‘  he said that i never listen, but i don’t even try.  ’ ‘  i never listen.  ’ ‘  i don’t even try.  ’ ‘  i got a new place, but i’m gone every night.  ’ ‘  she asked if i recognized her and i told her i might.  ’ ‘  everywhere i go, i got a million different people tryna kick it, but i’m still alone in my mind.  ’ ‘  i’m still alone in my mind.  ’ ‘  i know you’re dying to meet me.  ’ ‘  baby, as soon as you meet me, you’ll wish that you never did.  ’ ‘  you’ll wish that you never did.  ’ ‘  i got into some trouble with that drink in my veins.  ’ ‘  i got a problem with parties ‘cause it’s loud in my brain.  ’ ‘  i can never say sorry ‘cause i won’t take the blame.  ’ ‘  i know i always go missing.  ’ ‘  if you ask why i’m distant, i’m running away.  ’ ‘  i know you wanna slip under my armor.  ’

NOW OR NEVER.

‘  i don’t wanna fight right now.  ’ ‘  know you always right.  ’ ‘  know i need you ‘round with me.  ’ ‘  nobody waiting ‘round with me.  ’ ‘  been through the ups and downs with me.  ’ ‘  got a whole lot of love.  ’ ‘  got a whole lot of love, but you don’t wanna spread it ‘round with me.  ’ ‘  never pick up, never call me.  ’ ‘  you know we’re running out of time.  ’ ‘  never pick up when you want me. ‘  i gotta draw a line.  ’ ‘  baby, we done enough talking.  ’ ‘  need to know that you’re mine.  ’ ‘  baby gon’ love me now, now or never.  ’ ‘  i want you to hold me down, down forever.  ’ ‘  you know i wanna keep you around.  ’ ‘  i’m turning off the light right now.  ’ ‘  i’m calling it a night now.  ’ ‘  wishing you were around with me.  ’ ‘  we’ve been through it all.  ’ ‘  tryna talk to a wall, but you could never tear it down for me.  ’ ‘  don’t take up no more time.  ’ ‘  i need you to make your mind up.  ’ ‘  don’t take no more time up.  ’ ‘  baby, you gotta decide something.  ’

SORRY.

‘  i’ve missed your calls for months it seems.  ’ ‘  don’t realize how mean i can be.  ’ ‘  i can sometimes treat the people that i love like jewelry.  ’ ‘  i can change my mind each day.  ’ ‘  i didn’t mean to try you on.  ’ ‘  i can sometimes treat the people that i love like jewelry cause i can change my mind each day. i didn’t mean to try you on.  ’ ‘  i still know your birthday and your mother’s favorite song.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry to my unknown lover.  ’ ‘  sorry that i can’t believe that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me.  ’ ‘  sorry i can be so blind.  ’ ‘  didn’t mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind.  ’ ‘  i run away when things are good.  ’ ‘  never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could.  ’ ‘  so it seems i broke your heart.  ’ ‘  my ignorance has struck again.  ’ ‘  i failed to see it from the start.  ’ ‘  i tore you open till the end.  ’ ‘  so it seems i broke your heart, my ignorance has struck again.  ’ ‘  i failed to see it from the start and tore you open till the end.  ’ ‘  someone will love you.  ’ ‘  someone will love you, but someone isn’t me.  ’

LIE.

‘  breakfast is cold.  ’ ‘  breakfast is cold, as cold as our bed.  ’ ‘  i’m watching you choke down the words that you said.  ’ ‘  i give you the messiest head.  ’ ‘  you give me the messiest head.  ’ ‘  you’re turning red.  ’ ‘  i’m tryna give the impression that i get the message you wish i was dead.  ’ ‘  i won’t let us finish yet.  ’ ‘  please don’t take this as a threat.  ’ ‘  all i’m saying is if you don’t love me no more then lie.  ’ ‘  i won’t let us finish yet. please don’t take this as a threat.  ’ ‘  you notice that we’re in love, that’s something we cannot change.  ’ ‘  treat her right and she won’t complain.  ’ ‘  there’s no need to lie no more.  ’ ‘  what you gonna die for when everything you’re told is lies?  ’

WALLS COULD TALK.

‘  i’m about four minutes from a heart attack.  ’ ‘  i think you make me a maniac.  ’ ‘  here we go, fist fight in a limousine.  ’ ‘  we both hope there’s something.  ’ ‘  we both keep fronting.  ’ ‘  damn, if these walls could talk.  ’ ‘  shit is crazy, right?  ’ ‘  that ain’t your baby no more.  ’ ‘  i’m about halfway through a cabernet.  ’ ‘  there i go, wasting a saturday sitting at home.  ’ ‘  told my new roommate not to let you in.  ’ ‘  you’re so damn good with a bobby pin.  ’ ‘  told my new roommate not to let you in, but you’re so damn good with a bobby pin.  ’ ‘  you gonna play me like a violin.  ’

BAD AT LOVE.

‘  he tastes like jack when i’m kissing him.  ’ ‘  i never really liked his friends.  ’ ‘  he’s gone.  ’ ‘  he’s calling me a bitch again.  ’ ‘  he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate.  ’ ‘  i believe that we’re meant to be.  ’ ‘  jealousy gets the best of me.  ’ ‘  i believe that we’re meant to be, but jealousy gets the best of me.  ’ ‘  look, i don’t mean to frustrate, but i always make the same mistakes.  ’ ‘  i’m bad at love.  ’ ‘  i’m bad at love, but you can’t blame me for trying.  ’ ‘  you know i’d be lying saying you were the one that could finally fix me.  ’ ‘  looking at my history i’m bad at love.  ’ ‘  i thought that she could really be the one this time.  ’ ‘  i never had the chance to make her mine.  ’ ‘  she fell in love with little thin white lines.  ’ ‘  never told no one, but we look so cute.  ’ ‘  both got way better things to do.  ’ ‘  i always think about her when i’m riding through.  ’ ‘  i believe that i’m in too deep.  ’ ‘  i know that you’re afraid i’m gonna walk away.  ’ ‘  each time the feeling fades.  ’

DON’T PLAY.

‘  looking as fine as a damn monet.  ’ ‘  everybody’s thirsty. drinks on me.  ’ ‘  tryna take back what you say to me.  ’ ‘  i don’t give a damn what you say to me.  ’ ‘  there ain’t no time for games with me.  ’ ‘  i’m moving on.  ’ ‘  i’m getting paid.  ’ ‘  i’m moving on, i’m getting paid.  ’ ‘  i’m on my own.  ’ ‘  i had some space to deal with it.  ’ ‘  it’s getting late.  ’ ‘  go and grab someone and find a place to deal with it.  ’ ‘  don’t even try.  ’ ‘  can’t fuck up my vibe.  ’ ‘  motherfucker, don’t play with me.  ’ ‘  i am not the type to be out past dawn.  ’ ‘  i am not the type to admit i’m on.  ’ ‘  women, don’t play no games.  ’

STRANGERS.

‘  she doesn’t kiss me on the mouth anymore.  ’ ‘  she doesn’t kiss me on the mouth anymore ‘cause it’s more intimate than she thinks we should get.  ’ ‘  she doesn’t look me in the eyes anymore.  ’ ‘  too scared of what she’ll see.  ’ ‘  when i wake up all alone and i’m thinking of your skin, i remember what you told me.  ’ ‘  we’re not lovers.  ’ ‘  we’re just strangers.  ’ ‘  we’re not lovers, we’re just strangers.  ’ ‘  we’re not lovers, we’re just strangers with the same damn hunger.  ’ ‘  we’re just strangers with the same damn hunger to be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all.  ’ ‘  she doesn’t call me on the phone anymore.  ’ ‘  she’s never listening, she says it’s innocent.  ’ ‘  she doesn’t let me have control anymore.  ’ ‘  i must’ve crossed a line.  ’ ‘  i must’ve lost my mind.  ’ ‘  i miss the mornings with yo laying in bed.  ’ ‘  i miss the memories replaying in my head.  ’ ‘  i miss the thought of forever, you and me.  ’ ‘  all you’re missing is my body.  ’

ANGEL ON FIRE.

‘  i woke up to another mess in the living room.  ’ ‘  don’t wake me in my sleep.  ’ ‘  they talk and drink and laugh about things and fall in love.  ’ ‘  nobody seems to ask about me anymore.  ’ ‘  nobody seems to care about anything i think.  ’ ‘  nobody seems to recognize me in the crowd.  ’ ‘  i’m faded away.  ’ ‘  i’m faded away, you know, i used to be on fire.  ’ ‘  i used to be on fire.  ’ ‘  i used to be a darling starlet like a centerpiece.  ’ ‘  i had the whole world wrapped around my ring.  ’ ‘  i flew too closely to the sun and now i’m melting from my wings.  ’

DEVIL IN ME.

‘  you said i should eat my feelings.  ’ ‘  i scream too loud if i speak my mind.  ’ ‘  i don’t wanna wake it up, the devil in me.  ’ ‘  gotta wake up.  ’ ‘  come back to life.  ’ ‘  you said i’m too much to handle.  ’ ‘  you said i shine too bright.  ’

HOPELESS.

i decided to make a meme out of all the shit i say regularly. enjoy!

GENERAL SHIT. 

❝ I’M GONNA MCFREAKING LOSE MY MIND. ❞

❝ I’m going to shove an entire baseball bat down my throat and smash my insides. ❞

❝ *aggressive finger guns* ❞

❝ *high pitched screeching* ❞

❝ That’s where you’re right, kiddo. ❞

❝ I AM THE ONE THAT WEIGHS A TON DON’T NEED A GUN— ❞

❝ HECK. ❞

❝ GOTTA FUCKING BLAST. ❞

❝ That’s my cue to blast outta here. ❞

❝ GOT ME MOTHERFUCKING MCSHOOK. ❞

❝ Thoroughly shooken. ❞

❝ LISTEN— ❞ 

❝ Trust me, I’m a professional. ❞

❝ I’m gonna throw myself off of a fucking bridge. ❞

❝ I’m convinced I was a cat in a past life. ❞

❝ Inject caffeine directly into my veins, please. ❞

❝ I literally have a ‘white people voice’ for when I’m being polite. ❞

❝ I sound like a fucking twelve year old. ❞

❝ I got a tiny ass head. It’s like a fucking golf ball. ❞

BITTER SHIT.

❝ _____ is the literal bane of my existence. ❞

❝ I hate you. …I’m kidding. ❞

❝ Yeah, well, he’s/she’s/they’re a manipulative cunt, so. ❞

❝ I’m gonna punch you in the fucking mouth. ❞

❝ I’m small and bitter like an espresso. ❞

❝ I am Denatonium benzoate, aka the most bitter substance on the planet. ❞

❝ *facepalm* ❞

❝ *frustrated groaning* ❞

❝ I hate _____ with every fiber of my being. ❞

❝ I will kick your fucking ass. ❞

❝ Don’t you fucking dare. ❞

❝ I get it, I’m fucking short. ❞

LOVEY SHIT.

❝ You mean a lot to me. Like, seriously, a fucking lot. ❞

❝ I do it because I love you. ❞

❝ *fondly* Fucking nerd. ❞

❝ *fondly* Dumbass. ❞

❝ You are my absolute favorite person. ❞

❝ *heart eyes* ❞

❝ Don’t even fucking think about leaving without giving me a hug. ❞

❝ *whining noises and grabby hands* ❞

❝ There he/she/they go(es), the love of my life. ❞

❝ It’s literally unfair how attractive he/she/they is/are. ❞

❝ Look at how pretty he/she/they is/are, I’m gonna fucking cry. ❞

❝ I just wanna smooch his/her/their face. ❞

❝ JUST LOOK AT HIM/HER/THEM! I’M GONNA SCREAM. ❞

MOM-FRIEND SHIT.

❝ I am mom-friend. ❞

❝ You best not be fucking texting and driving. ❞

❝ Do you want ____? ❞

❝ Please don’t do that, you’re worrying me. ❞

❝ Listen, my job is to make sure everyone else is okay. ❞

❝ ‘Drink water kids!’ I say as I am severely dehydrated. ❞

❝ ____, that’s not good. ❞

❝ Who do I have to fucking fight? ❞ 

ANGSTY SHIT.

❝ I hate myself with every fiber of my being. ❞

❝ I’m just really fucking scared. ❞

❝ I’m sorry that I love you. ❞

❝ I’m sorry that I’m like this. ❞

❝ What’s wrong with me? ❞

❝ God, this happens every fucking time. ❞

❝ I loved her/him/them. And she/he/they fucking abandoned me. ❞

❝ I don’t know what I’m doing. ❞

❝ Why the fuck am I crying? ❞

❝ I’m getting bad again. ❞

❝ It’s like everything goes in one ear, out the other with you. ❞

❝ I’ve told you time and fucking time again that it makes me feel like shit, and yet you still do it. ❞

❝ I look and feel like absolute shit. ❞

❝ It’s nothing, I’m fine. ❞

SLEEPY SHIT.

❝ I’m so fucking exhausted. ❞

❝ I really wanna just sleep. ❞

❝ I need to just sleep for like 17 years. ❞

❝ I could literally fall asleep anywhere. ❞

❝ I’m gonna pass out in the middle of the hallway. ❞

❝ I’m already fucking tired. ❞

❝ If I sit still in one place for like 30 minutes, I will fall asleep. ❞

  indie clary fray & multi-muse for the book series the mortal instruments.