Pawpins Diary

One of my favourite shows growing up was, unsurprisingly for someone my age, Spongebob. The internet too has taken quite easily to his porous shenanigans, and he has been immortalized in memes--drawing more people into the show over the years. Many people, including myself, noticed a decline in the show’s quality after the third season, pointing to the infantilization of Spongebob’s character as a prime example of why the first few seasons, before the departure of Hillenberg, are more memorable. It could, perhaps, just be nostalgia. Whatever the case may be, many people have traced the progression of main characters throughout the show, or picked apart the plot.

One aspect of the show which seems generally under evaluated, however, is the one character which binds the whole show together. Not Spongebob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, or Squidward, but rather the patty itself. I have decided to die on this fuckin cross. Many episodes watched, many burgers seen, many articles read, and it has led me to this point--an asshat with a computer and way too much time because of the distinct breed of fuck up that I am. In this project, I shall create a tier list of the many variations of Krabby Patties throughout the show, ranking each based on its iconicity, impact on the episode, and general appeal as food. From this, I can then extrapolate a graph which will show the average tier ranking of the patty by season. What will this do? Probably nothing, but it will kill some time, hopefully provide some amusement for myself, and maybe show some kind of trend in the character of the show’s most beloved character--the Krabby Patty.

First I must discuss the sample size and the parameters laid out for this activity. A total of forty-two krabby patty variations are used in this study, stretching across eleven seasons. I have chosen to include only the patties from the main show, meaning that patties from shorts and videogames did not impact the study. I also chose to include only patties which I considered to still be hamburgers, meaning that the Krusty Dog and the Krusty Krab Pizza were also excluded. The debate for this--hot dogs being sandwiches, burgers being sandwiches, therefore hotdogs being hamburgers--must be saved for another day. For now, just know that the pizza and hotdog sold by the Krusty Krab do not fall within this study's parameters.

This discussion of parameters leads to another necessary interjection: the limitations of this study. The sample size is, in season six, only one patty. While this can skew the results to show the season as either having a strong or weak portrayal of the patty as a character, I think it is telling in itself that there is only one variation in the entire season. Despite that, I know it is still important to note this small sample size and recognize its effect on the study. The high end of patty sample size in a season is season nine, which had eight patty variations. It must also be noted that when a patty appears in multiple episodes, such as the Crustless Patty in episodes 2.23b and 4.69a, it is given the same score in both seasons, and included in both seasons' score

Another huge, and I do mean huge, limitation of this study, is bias. This study is intrinsically subjective, and while i tried to keep the same standards across all seasons, my affinity for the early seasons of the show could easily skew my perception of how iconic a burger is. The Pretty Patty, for example, from 2.25b stands out to me as an iconic patty due to its popularity, its impact on the episode, and its real world applications. Is this perception of Pretty Patties impacted by my past? Perhaps. I shall leave that up to the discretion of the reader in the section when I give a detailed breakdown of each patty.

With the limitations laid out above, I can now shift focus to my methodology, though such a word is used quite loosely in this sense. As mentioned previously, the patty variants are put on a tier list based on their appeal as food, their impact on the episode, and their general icon status. For general appeal as food, I considered the overall balance of the burger, quality of food, texture, and appearance. Episode impact is fairly straightforward, as some patties, such as the Pretty Patty, have entire episodes structured around them, whereas the Chopper Patty is only a footnote in its episode. The icon factor is where I believe my bias will come across the most, as I have to consider the effect the patty has had outside the show as a meme, or the impact it could have outside the show as a burger. Again, a discussion of meme theory may prove to be useful here, but that is not within the scope of this project.

I must also go over my tier list. I could just go A, B, C, etc. but where is the fun in that? The tiers go, in order from highest to lowest, Foucault, hooks, Chomsky, Derrida, and finally Fred Jones. Foucault is literally episteme defining. A patty in this tier is barrier-breaking, versatile, iconic, and damn near untouchable. Patties in the hooks tier are just so well-rounded and whole, while still being crucial yet accessible. Also, all lowercase? Really pulling that iconic look off. Chomsky tier patties are also versatile, but they also seem kind of wild at times. Like, the universal grammar? He's an absolute madlad. I like to think of these patties as made by a mad scientist. They are on the verge of being either iconic, or iconoclastic, and only time will tell, as they are kind of ahead of their time. The Derrida tier is for patties which I personally do not like, but could see the appeal. These patties are just lost in translation to me, perhaps. This is not a knock on the patty or its creator, but more so an acknowledgement that it is not a widely accessible patty, and therefore not iconic. The final tier is Fred Jones from Scooby Doo. These patties would lead Daphne on for years, being too obsessed with traps to even care about the feelings of others. Stay at the bottom where you belong, trash boy. Your fit is wack too.

All of these aspects considered, it is time for my hypothesis. I believe that this will be a general waste of my time, but it may be amusing for myself and others. In addition, I don’t think there will be much of a visible trend when examining the patty’s tier score per season, but if there is a pattern, I expect scores to go down over time. Let’s begin now.

Assessment of patties by season

SEASON ONE

The Standard, the OG, the Krabby Patty. 1.1

This patty is what started it all, and I mean all. The first episode of the show, the catalyst, if you will, for one of the most successful franchises to ever grace our televisions. Its ingredients are as follows: sesame seeds, bottom bun, chum, ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, sea cheese, sea pickles, sea lettuce, sea tomatoes, sea onions, salt, tartar sauce, Secret sauce, a teaspoon of raspberry, "Chopped Love", and finally the top bun. It is from this starting point that all other patties will be judged based on taste--whether the balance is maintained, or thrown off. This patty, while truly iconic, does not have the versatility or innovation to be in the Foucault tier. A very strong hooks tier, however, is where this patty belongs.

Double Triple Bossy Deluxe 1.6b

This patty to me is the quintessential Chomsky tier patty. Bubble Bass is an absolute madlad, and this creation is, at its best and worse, genre defining. That genre is, however, pure lunacy. It could be truly brilliant, but it could also just be too ahead of its time to tell. I considered putting this in the Derrida tier because I do not think I would enjoy this patty, but I gotta give it up to Bubble Bass. He likely knows his patties better than I do, so credit is due. One could also argue that the patty’s impact on the episode should push it to hooks tier status, but I would rebuttal by saying that it was not the burger itself, but rather Bubble Bass who caused the episode to progress in the manner that it did. Chomsky tier.

Crying Johnny 1.6b

Extra onions. I see you. It really aint fancy, but I do declare this is still hooks tier. The flavour profile, while altered slightly from the original, does not push it out of this category. The name also makes it worthwhile to remember. hooks tier.

Cows on the Farm 1.6b

Again, only a slight derivation from the original recipe, but wildly less exciting. These are standard Krabby Patties but served on wheat buns. I feel like if you are going to have an underwater aesthetic, just stay with it? It just seems out of place and odd, considering the only time I can recall seeing wheat in the show is when Poseidon literally grows it to beat Spongebob in a cooking contest. It is not off-putting enough to land this patty in the Derrida tier, but I think the Chomsky one is a good fit. Who knows, maybe wheat buns will change the game. Chomsky Tier.

SEASON TWO

Crustless 2.23b and 4.69a (nice)

This just seems like you are missing out on a lot--not only the texture of the crust, but also the flavour and texture of the sesame seeds on the bun. This is just childlike behaviour, and a truly demeaning task for Squidward. Like, are you one of those people that don’t eat their pizza crusts? I hate you, but I also love you, because I would totally eat those leftover crusts. I hate this idea fully, however, much in the same way I hate Derrida. Derrida Tier.

Pretty Patty 2.25b

Y’all, this is our first Foucault tier patty. Can I get an amen? This patty is truly iconic for not only its amazing variation, its aesthetic, and personalization, but because this would be purely game changing. In the episode, consumers get upset because of the unknown side effects of eating the patty, namely that it changes the skin to the colour of the patty. With this effect known, however, IMAGINE the implications it could have. Tanning or skin lightening products? Gone. Makeup products? Gone. Halloween cosmetics? Gone. Only this patty would remain. What a cultural rest. What a way to ring in a new episteme. Fucking Foucault Tier.

Double Deluxe 2.32a

This is really nothing special, and it is a large change in terms of overall balance. This patty seems to be just larger in general, and with two patties instead of one. This is similar to the Bubble Bass order in my opinion, as I would never try to order something like this myself, but I have to give credit to Patrick, who can eat one in one bite. If he is eating one, perhaps it is the future, and we are all just sitting here eating paste in comparison to big brain pat. Chomsky tier.

Jelly Patty 2.39a

We have… wait for it… ANOTHER Foucault tier patty. This one, I feel, is one of the best changes that occur which only slightly changes the ingredient list. While the patty recipe originally had a dab of raspberry on it, I feel like more sweetness could be necessary, especially if cheese is added to the equation. This was a GROUNDBREAKING patty. Some patties are made from 80/20 ground chuck, this one is made from 80/20 ground breaking. If the original patty was an icon, this is iconoclastic in the sense that it caused a total rebranding of the Krusty Krab, and could have changed the show permanently were it not for the exploitation by greedy capitalist Krabs. Foucault tier, period.

SEASON THREE 

Squidward’s attempt 3.41a

We go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. While other patties on the list, the Nasty Patty for example, are puroposefully gross as FUCK, and still maintain an iconic AESTHETIC and shape the episode, this one is just a letdown. It looks like something I would see in the Tate Modern, but it truly belongs in the trash, along with the rest of the Fred Jones tier.

Triple Patty Supreme 3.43a

This is another patty which is ordered and altered heavily by the customer. Extra pickles, and burnt to a crisp. What a wild order, right? The person doing it must really know their burgers--someone like Bubble Bass or Patrick are the only people I could see making this order with confidence. No. It was Squidward. His first patty order ever, and he is out here making all of these changes on a TRIPLE? You can't just step in the ring with Ali because you think you can box. Get in the Derrida tier and accept your fate.

King Sized Ultra Supreme 3.43a

Honestly, while some burgers just seem like overkill--the double deluxe, for example-- because they add more meat and are bigger--this one really goes the extra mile. Is it disgusting as heck? Absolutely. It is deep fried, served on a stick, and served with a bottle of mayo. It is made to be truly overkill, almost like a villain in a TV show. They know their role, and often play it well. This patty reminds me of Elise from Hell’s Kitchen. I would not want to know her character, and I would not wish that on anybody, but the fact that Elise’s character shamelessly exists and is kind of serving? Nice. One of the few gross patties to get high marks and land in the hooks tier.

Nasty Patty 3.44a

This patty has already been mentioned previously, and I gave it credit for being at the far end of both the revolting and the pastel goth aesthetic. This patty, much like the King Sized Ultra Supreme, knows what its role is, and it had enough ENERGY to drastically alter the flow of an episode without even being eaten. That is power, and that is bell hooks.

Pipsqueak patty 3.52 and 4.94

The Pipsqueak Patty is honestly kind of serving though? Its additions make it super cute: pickle and ketchup eyes, little spirally antennae, etc. are beautiful aesthetic choices, but I am concerned about what it would do to the overall taste? It seems like on a patty that size, you are basically ordering double pickle double ketchup, which doesn’t seem like the right play. It could be someone else’s cup of tea, or cup of baby formula, and while I am not here for IT, I am here for it. Outside of the burger taste and appearance itself, it also pushes Barnacle Boy (perhaps Barnacle Man at the time?) to supervillainy, while also costing more than a regular Krabby Patty. How diabolical! Deceit level 100 and turning looks along the way. Foucault Tier, despite its potential flavour.

Foggy Patty 3.56

Bob found this patty under the stove, I believe, and I think it should have stayed there. Its only life once discovered was in a cage, and that aint it. Spongebob knew better and still had to serve it, because of CAPITALISM. Once again, this is the story of capitalism, and it sets the episode in motion. I want to give it a decent ranking just based on that, but I think the highest I can go ethically is Fred. This thing should have been kept behind bars.

SEASON FOUR

Synthetic 4.65

This patty from Krabby O’Mondays really had Spongebob asking 'where is the love?' Truly vile, and once again a condemnation of capitalism. I have channeled my inner Garfield at this, and now I also hate Krabby O’Mondays. Fred Jones tier.

Hotel Burger with Nosehair and Toenails 4.69a (Nice)

Without even the extra cheese, because Patrick wants what Patrick wants. This is similar to the Nasty Patty in that it was designed to be wretched, but it just falls short. Why not go all the way? Why no crazy spicy things, or cool bun alterations? I get that he doesn’t wanna kill Krabs, but still… there is no distinct aesthetic to this burger, to the point where Krabs can’t even tell that it has the gross stuff inside it, and that was part of what made the Nasty patty so iconic--the Urban Decay colour palette. And where did the toenails and nosehair come from? Spongebob? This is a mystery, and there is only one person  I want investigating this one. Fred Jones Tier.

Monster Patty 4.72a

MONSTER PATTY!? NOBODY HAS ORDERED THAT IN AGES! And for good reason. Is the whole burger modified to fit that single patty? Is it not? If it isn’t, go eat a steak or something you maniac. If it is, wow gross overkill, but still not as over the top as the deepfried Elise patty discussed earlier. If you are gonna go insane, go insane in a new and creative way. Bigger aint creative, and this certainly aint it. Derrida Tier.

Chopper patty 4.78a

This reminds me of the pipsqueak patty, in that it is a structural change to the burger done not for taste, but purely for aesthetics to look like a bike. I think it would be truly disastrous though? Like, the sauce would build up around the designed patty. Yikes. It just seems like a very half-assed marketing attempt by Krabs. Could have done better, like the car burger from Bob’s Burgers. However, Krab’s choices were decidedly LESS iconic. Chomsky tier.

SEASON FIVE

Patty 5.87a

The longer it lives, the worse it gets. Still, Spongebob loves her to the very end, and I respect that. This is like The Notebook of burgers, and people have a lot to learn from it. This patty is not only perfectly constructed, it is a damn education on love. You would not find this connection on Tinder, so I am swiping it right up to Foucault tier.

Spongy Patty 5.89a

Once again a condemnation of capitalism--so much so that I am surprised it did not turn the customers green instead of yellow. This patty is similar to the Pretty Patty in that it occurred during a rebranding of the Krusty Krab, and had unintended consequences. However, the consequences were arguably worse when unknown, and SIGNIFICANTLY worse once known. Whatcha gonna do knowing that this patty will turn you splotchy and yellow? Die? Gross. And they didn’t even taste good to boot. It wasn’t even the patty that rebranded the Krab, just the fact that the rotten patties kinda looked like Spongebob after he was immortalized on Bikini Bottom TV. This is Fred tier shit, and I want nothing more to do with it.

Lolsquid/chumwich 5.97a

These are desperation patties served up to a sea monster, and honestly, the sandwiches too deserve to be at the bottom of the sea in a dark deep gross crevasse. They are just chum on bread. Unseasoned, uncooked, no other toppings. Truly a disaster. If these were popular, the Chumbucket would run the Krusty Krab out of business. But they aren’t popular, and for good reason. You would indeed need to be waking up from a seventy-nine year slumber to enjoy this putrid creation. Who does that remind you of? FRED TIER.

Charcoal patty 5.97a

These are just so similar to the Chumwich sandwich mentioned above. Same episode, same customer. Also used as rocks to throw at Plankton. I don’t enjoy a sandwich that can be used as a weapon. It isn’t even versatile at that point, because it is arguably inedible. Listen, Mr. Sea Monster sir… just because you are stuck in the bottom of an abyss does not mean your tastebuds need to be. Live a little! Fred Tier

SEASON SIX

Paper Patty 6.104a

This variation, the only one in season six, is a truly loveless patty. If Patty taught you how to love, this patty would teach you how to… I don’t know. Eat fucking paper. It is uncharacteristic of Spongebob, and is the product of his downwards spiral into normalcy. Glad Squidward is happy with these changes, but even he would not enjoy this paper patty. Fred Tier.

SEASON SEVEN

Deluxe Krabby Patty with extra flavour 7.130a

Wow, the first non-Fred tier in a while. Jinkees, as a better character would say. However, it does not fair too much better. It is just extra greasy. This is one of those patties where it tries to go hard, but is just so very unimaginative with how it does so. However, it could be good, although maybe a little artery-clogging, so I will show it a bit of love in Derrida Tier. Oh you thought it would get Chomsky? Not a chance. No where near innovative enough. 

Yummy Bunz 7.130a

Now THIS is more innovative. Bigger patties, more meat, bigger burgers, etc have all been done sooo many times before. But a variation to the bun by dipping in grease? I gotta give it props. This is one I could see being pretty good, especially because the buns usually go through no alteration, and in my opinion, burger buns should be toasted on the bottom. The extra grease, when added to the bun instead of just thrown onto the patty, gives a much more unique burger. Dare I say this one is… ahead of its time!? CHOMSKY TIER

Krabby Kiddie patty 7.132a

This is just a very blah thing, y’know? 30% less burger, but no other changes? I guess it is a good option to have but like… this is NOTHING about which to write home. Just Derrida things.

Patty Pal 7.132a

THIS patty, on the other hand, is just so lit. It reminds me of the Pipsqueak patty, but it does not quite get to the same tier. It is not entirely edible due to the use of straws, and it does not literally corrupt a superhero. Its power is just not QUITE as strong, and thus, the tier shall be… hooks! Still a solid effort <3

SEASON EIGHT

Flabby Patty 8.153b

This is all just a ploy by Spongebob. Does this even count as a Krabby Patty? You can’t fool me, you porous bastard. Back of the line. Fred lookin ass.

Giant Krabby Patty 8.167a

As this is just a slab of ever-expanding meat ;) I am inclined to not call this a full on patty. Still gamechanging though? Like, world hunger who? Haven’t heard of her. Would I enjoy the presence of this item at a restaurant though? Likely not. Derrida Tier.

Relish Patty 8.169b (nice)

I need to know more about this jelly. The experience could be out of this world, to be obnoxiously on the nose. Price gouging is a yikes tho! Four dollars extra for some mystery jelly? Could be game changing, but we aint ready for it. Also, super limited because this patty is, unsurprisingly, ahead of its time. CHOMSKY TIER.

SEASON NINE

Emergency patty 9.188b

Excuse me was that seriously just patty meat in a can? How will that help me in an emergency, unless I also have all the other ingredients in a can. I would literally need to travel to Squidville to get bread in a can, like, are you taking a piss? No chance, bud. This aint a patty as much as it is a condensed letdown. Fred tier.

Mr. Worldwide patties 9.189

Okay so this section includes a total of four patties from one episode where Spongebob gets fired and tries to find work at other restaurants where he makes a noodle patty, a pizza patty, a hotdog patty, and a burrito patty. These are just eclectic and well-travelled. Innovative and fun; though maybe not technically KRABBY patties, these are patties nonetheless. HOWEVER, they are not iconic in basically any way, and are all short-lived. Chomsky tier.

All Bun Patty 9.190b

This is something my brother would have enjoyed before he developed taste buds. Just gross and disappointing. I am unsure what else to say, and am even hesitant to call this a patty. At what point of adding bread to a meatball does a meatball stop being a meatball? Holy fuck this QUESTIONS coming from this have NO ANSWEERS. One thing is certain, however... DERRIDA TIER.

Frozen Patty 9.200

Frozen starts with an F, and so does Fred, so I want to throw this into that shitty white boi tier, BUT I do recognize the importance of having frozen food. Still, the concept that something freezes under water just raises so many questions. Derrida Tier because I would not want a frozen patty, but see why someone would.

Nature Patty 9.202a

“Tastes like the inside of a lawnmower” -Squidward Tentacles. Wow what a disappointing vegan option. Again, it ends up in Derrida tier. While I do not hate myself enough to lick a lawnmower, I know that some people do, and I have to respect that.

SEASON TEN

Squid Patty 10.206b

While other patties here have been designed by Squidward, this one is made of Squidward’s nose. I don’t think I need to say much more. Don’t do this. Don’t be Fred. Any difference? Nope. Spot the lie. Fred Tier.

Canned Patty 10.209a

I see basically no difference between this and the Emergency Patty, other than can size and design. I gotta give it the same grade. Not even sorry. Fred Tier

SEASON ELEVEN

Aged Patty 11.225a

How psychedelic. While the Foggy patty nearly killed Mr. Krabs, this one was truly a trip for Spongebob. Are people still microdosing with shrooms and acid? In 2024? Step your game up and have an Aged Patty. Spongebob really introducing this to the 2024 lookbook, but why was he so hesitant to throw THIS patty out? Sometimes the plot holes in this show are just too much to handle, but I digress. This patty will change the way people microdose, macrodose, and it had a huge influence on the episode itself. If this patty also tasted good, it could very well have been the top lad in the Foucault tier, but I gotta say it is just high hooks. Very high.

Triple with Ice Cream 11.227a

Wow Spongebob really out here using this thing as a weapon to destabilize a dangerous vehicle. How versatile. And the colour too? You know humans eat with their eyes first, right? This one has STYLE, and it does not need more lamb sauce. However, despite its versatility, I am unsure if I would like it, and the episode really did not revolve around the presence of this patty, so I gotta just slot it into the Derrida tier.

Night patty 11.239b

This is one patty which I feel unqualified to rank, but I must. I am one of the daytime slop eating folx, but I must represent. This patty seems like a less-than-ideal food, as even Patrick chooses not to order it. While I cannot make a comment on its flavour, as my tastebuds are not ready for the night, I can say that Patrick’s unwillingness to order one seems sketchy. Derrida Tier.

RESULTS

Wow this was more work than I was expecting so far, but it has been fun. Some notes: The Mr. Worldwide Variants from episode 9.189 will count as four separate patties, each in the Chomsky tier. Patties from multiple episodes will be included in both season’s total. Total will be an average score, where Foucault tier is a score of 5, and Fred tier is a score of 1. With that in mind, let’s math. The Data is found below.

Season 1: 4 patties, avg score is 3.5

Season 2: 4 patties, avg score is 3.75

Season 3: 6 patties, avg score is 2.83

Season 4: 6 patties, avg score is 2.33

Season 5: 4 patties, avg score is 2

Season 6: 1 patty, avg score is 1

Season 7: 4 patties, average score is 2.75

Season 8: 3 patties, avg score is 2

Season 9: 8 patties, average score is 2.38

Season 10: 2 patties, average score is 1

Season 11: 3 patties, average score is 2.67

With all this considered, we can return to one of the pressing matters posed at the beginning of this project: does the Krabby Patty as a character decline, much as many viewers say that the show does as a whole? If so, does it match the show as a whole and its overall reception? To demonstrate this better, I have included a chart with the IMDB ratings for every episode of Spongebob up to the 220’s. While this project goes slightly beyond that scope, it is not by much. I have then taken this graph and overlaid bars to show when the data set for each season ends. For example, the Foggy Patty is the last patty variant from season three, so a line has been drawn to mark its episode number, 56. A legend for each season’s colour has been included as well. I then placed a red marker on each of these lines to show the average patty score.

GRAPH: https://imgur.com/a/OlrLLhW