where did all these pens come from

I know that i'm a broken fucking record on this shit at this point and everyone's probably bored of my hyperfixations BUT!! I just find him so interesting. I can totally see WHY ppl don't "get it" (and i mean that - i'm not trying to be condescending or w/e ) and find him dull and boring and one note and like WHY is he getting ALL of this attention from the story?? who the fuck is this guy? And I think what we're presented with in the game can feel very confusing at times, because some of the best pieces of Zenos lore and insight into who he is, is (for whatever reason??) in a short story, in a book you'd have to pay for to be able to read. (COUGHS ...) " One might think it a blessing to be born into the ruling family of a vast and powerful empire, but for the young Prince Zenos-great grandson of Solus zos Galvus, revered founding father of the Garlean Empire-it was a curse.

From the beginning, Zenos was alone." and a couple of lines after that:

"Indeed, it could be said that he was never a child at all. Innocence and playfulness were quite alien to him, the former expunged by his earliest schooling and the latter afforded no outlet. His days were uniformly joyless, and he went about his scheduled tasks with apathy." AAAAAAAAAND way past that we get these 2: "Zenos continued. “Second, battle offers no euphoria, despite what the tales may claim. Deep down I had always known this, yet I find myself disappointed nonetheless.” "

( This completely goes against the WIDELY ((STUPIDLY)) SPREAD 'Combat sexual' shit ppl will repeat over and over and O V E R again ) and finally: "And he settled into bed, he prayed as earnestly as a boy of his years might that one day he would cross paths with a worthy foe and feel such exhilaration as the heroic epics promised. " At the start of Endwalker he's doing everything in his power to put the warrior of light in the role of the hero, and himself as the villain. Like from his stories. It's also why he never really forces the wol into a fight, it's not what he wants out of them. He wants them to come for him. The closest we get to him FORCING the wol to do anything is "in from the cold", and it's very clear that he's basically desperate at that point. WHY are you not doing what you're supposed to do? I've read like 29873429 stories and you're not following the rules!! BUT!! After the wol fights Zodiark he realizes that he went way too fucking far, that the wol is genuinely tired of his bullshit and he walks off. And like, the next time we see him he's moping around in Garlemald. Talking about how he's "waiting" for the wol to change their mind. And Alisaie gets pissed off and talks some sense into him, lol. And like - Idk if she even knows that she's one of the few ppl in the whole world who is able to see through his bullshit (in a way - I don't think that even he knows what he wants.) and really GETS what he's after:

"Yet if you only pursue your hedonistic pleasures, and pay no heed to the plight of others, then no one will give you the time of day.

You will never get what you want─not even the battle you pine for so dearly. You'll be alone for an eternity, and you'll deserve every agonizing second of it."

WHICH IS!! one of like 3 times from what I've seen in the game where they've animated Zenos with this worried/sad look:

And later he goes back to Ala Mhigo, to the Royal menangerie, to really think about himself and the wol. "You will never get what you want...not even the battle you pine for so dearly.... In that transcendent moment, what was it that I sought in you? And what was it that you sought in me? " (sidenote: He looks up at the moon when he says this. The warrior of light - Zenos and looking up at the moon while thinking about each other: name a better duo. ) And WE KNOW!! that he cares about the wol, *SO MUCH*, later on when Zero shows up she confirms this. She knows what he felt and she flat out tells us that to him, the wol is genuinely the one important person in his life. We know that Zenos risked everything to get to the wol in ultima thule. We know that in his final moment, he reaches his hand out towards the wol. We know that there's a huge implication in the story that he's the one who wished for the wol to live on and helped them return to the Ragnarok.

i HATE self-censorship for a lot of reasons, but being in crisis work makes it even more frustrating. who are you censoring for? like i am being so fr, WHO are you censoring for? have you even thought it through? people who have been raped know that they have been raped. if someone attempts suicide or is grieving someone who did, saying "sewer slide" isn't going to protect them from any of the feelings. a murder victim's family isn't going to feel better bc you said "unalived" instead of murdered. if anything, it's just extremely invalidating and othering. it's saying "what happened to you is so bad that i won't even say the word," which is NOT trauma-informed care. you are not protecting survivors/victims when you self-censor. the ONLY things you protect when you self-censor are the puritanical ideologies that are being encouraged by rich fascists who want your money and obedience