Papaya
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must sell his shoes to buy a papaya for the woman or man he’s truly in love with. And when he buys this papaya, it must be from the fruitstand owned by the man with the biggest mustache. Don’t skimp on mustache size. It’s very important.
Once he has the papaya, he must rake it with his teeth, delicately please! If he does not have teeth, gums will do, but he must be sure to imagine that his gums really are teeth while he’s doing it or it won’t count.
The next step, obviously, is to toss the papaya off of a seven story building for good luck and then rush down to the sidewalk below and take a picture of the smashed fruit on the concrete with a disposable camera. He must take 23 pictures of the smashed papaya and then one picture of a homeless person (which must be developed in black and white).
He must then go to the photo development kiosk at CVS and pay for the 1 hour photo processing but come back thirty minutes later screaming about why his photos aren’t done yet. Impatience and a quick temper are common traits found in the most manly of men, and if a man can’t master these traits, then he’s no man at all. Another manly thing that the man must do is after he’s berated the clerk for taking too long to develop the papaya photos, he must wander the aisles and refuse all help offered to him. A man knows where everything is in the store, given enough time. Accepting help is the first step to not becoming a man. After wandering for the remaining thirty minutes, the man must go back to the counter, pay for the photos, offer a gruff apology, and then ask to take out a money order for a dollar-fifty and mail it to Guns & Ammo magazine. This is because Guns & Ammo is a great publication and they need all the help they can get.
The man must leave the store and get in his car and grasp the steering wheel firmly with both hands whether it’s too hot or not. If it is too hot, the man has permission to utter one curseword of his choice, but nothing over four syllables. The man must drive fast to his true love’s house to deliver the photos of the smashed papayas. The black and white photo of the homeless man is for him, and he must keep it in his glove box for later when he needs to remind himself of the fragility of life and how we’re all walking on a knife’s edge and how his comfortable lifestyle could all be gone in an instant and he could be living on the streets, no one bothering to know his name or shake his hand. He must reflect on this for ten seconds, and then he must grab the axe body spray from his glove compartment and mist himself and the whole of his car — inside and outside, for both things.
Then, of course, when he gets to his true love’s house, he must stand outside the front door, never knocking, never ringing the doorbell, until his true love answers, which could be ten minutes or ten days depending on whether or not his true love is on vacation in Ireland. Once the photos are delivered, the true love will know what they mean and they will sigh and invite him in for dessert.
And that’s how a man can score some tasty dessert for free! Share if you’ve done this!
