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Today i could remember my life better. how I've... disassociated from it all was clear in how foreign the memories felt. how i cringed at them.. all of this time i’ve been down a rabbit hole because i lack emotional maturity. i haven’t learn a lesson. thats what it feels like anyway..just in new shoes. packaged different. new web for prey. the worst part is i don't feel fake at all. on the contrary i believe more in myself now than i ever have before. which leaves me feeling like whats the point. the mastery, is the answer i give myself. do i want it badly enough? my track record is a circus with no practice and lately i can't tell if I'm teetering on the edge ..or if i’ve already fallen off and refused to die. for twenty four years I've been spilling words..but do i even hear myself? the answer is barely. i wonder if this voice could get me through the door. if i gave my body up would i transcend this bullshit once and for all.. or would all the  empty selfish words spoken bind me here like the true hell they were always meant to wreak. even now it feels hollow. the fire i once had, gone. i’ve never been able to picture myself at 25. its coming in some months.. will the people i end up with know the real me? or will i be unrecognizable after being foolish with my time.. beaten up by my own design because certain energies will always win and certain ones should always lose.. one way or another.. once you are in, there is no choosing.. it just hurts and you better learn. i’m going crazy.