Elly

it looked so good

i don‘t have a single screenshot

it feels like i just killed someone how did this happen, i was clearing my gallery a bit i mustve accidentally selected it

i found an atla jacket that is quite subtle and nice looking, it has nice embroidered arrows on the sleeves and on the hood. asked my mom her opinion because i was unsure of which jacket to get between two options and she was like “you seriously wanna walk around with that in public?” and then acted all surprised when i teared up.

i am so sick of this damn questioning of everything i do, i genuinely stopped wearing tshirts with prints on them when i was a young kid because i was tired of my dad reading everything on it in this horrible sarcastic tone.

“why is our child so shy and unsure of herself?? we always encouraged her!!” my talents yes. but never the way i present myself, my identity and my appearance , that was always met with a condescending tone and passive-aggressive sarcasm.

i love my profile picture

me and him when i was 10. my parents were never afraid to leave him alone with me when i was a baby, i don’t think he even so much as scratched me even once.

my beautiful son now. a lot more high energy but just as cuddly as his brother❤️

my upper two front teeth are crooked and my parents are setting things in motion to get them fixed, insurance and all that. but i am really really unsure if i want to get them fixed, i’ve grown so used to it now. i’m 20, i’ve been living with these teeth for about 13 years now and its kind of not really an issue for me. the left one is angled to the front a bit and the right one to the back, at the tip theres about a 0,4mm gap between them. all my other teeth are perfectly straight and in order. does it look horrible from certain angles? sure. does it make my lips look asymmetrical as hell? sure. would it absolutely look better if they were straight? sure. would i feel prettier? probably. but i keep asking myself why is the answer to all these things yes? what do i need to look pretty for? certainly not some man, i have 0 desires for any form of romantical relationship. fixing them would no doubt increase my attractiveness to men and i am absolutely not sure if i want that. not saying i’ll look like a model once my teeth are straight, but i don’t want to seem attractive or desirable to anyone. i unfortunately do already and i am not eager on that statistic being increased. i wish i could just be a tiny cloud or something i hate people having opinions about me, good and bad.

and i really wish i had a friend to talk this over with but all of them are men and they don’t get it. my only female friend is coming home for summer break soon, i’ll see if i can find a way to include this in the conversation. love her but unfortunately she’s a bit of a people pleaser so i’m not sure if i’ll get an honest opinion out of her. man i hate this. my teeth are a very nice shape too and i like my smile so its kind of a shame to not make it as good as it can be, but at the same time what does good really mean. i have no medical problems because of the way my teeth look, so thats good isnt it? but at the same time, as sexist and disgusting as it is, attractive people, especially women, tend to get better jobs and opportunities and i really want to be great. i want to go far and create something and what if at some point it comes down to my looks? man.

honestly i don’t think i can get around fixing them. at the latest when my wisdom teeth start knocking at the door, oral rearrangements are gonna be a point of discussion. honestly i think i will just counter that increase of conventional male gaze attractiveness with the buzzcut i was planning to do next summer when i finally finish school. i was planning to bleach it and dye a blue airbender arrow in it too. and i already dress very masc so i hope it cancels out. i genuinely hate just the look of people looking at me with any form of desire. actually i just generally hate people looking at me, but its worse when it is filled with some kind of emotion. makes me feel weird. i’m so autistic this is no joke. i have one more session with the audhd therapist in october to see how’m doing, maybe i’ll consult her about this. maybe. i’m still kinda scared of her.

why does it have to be a thing

why does my app have to crash everytime i try and animate something with more than 5px