Grace Like Rain

You know that hot feeling you get in your core when you miss something or someone so badly? And your heart starts to race, memories flood in, and your arms ache to just hold and be held by them?

I've never experienced such feelings towards myself and towards my life in the past. It is really something to process. But then again, I haven't allowed myself to look back for fear of want.

Through trauma, abuse, heartache, addiction, loss, love, more loss, and finally....growth. I just blocked out everything in my past that brought me ANY type of feeling because I KNEW I would've run back to it all, with no certainty of that life embracing me in return. I ran from cherished friends, shyed away from memories spent under the sun with someone I would've gone all in for, I began to disassociate myself with the abuse my brothers and I suffered, and God dammit, I CLUNG to the ideation that I was fine, it happens to everyone, and I needed to live my "best life". Lol. But what else was I meant to do? I had no tools in my emotional toolbox to handle what life was for me during those years. So I ran.

Now though..I've kicked addictions ass, lost both of my parents who were the primary abusers in my childhood and adolescent life, broken ties with one brother, and miss the other who finds solace in the mountains and cliffs far away.

I've ran and hid for so long, I forgot what it felt like to FEEL at all. I've settled for a life and love where I have to beg to be touched, while the inner freak in me screams to be let out. Lol. I eat because of emptiness in me, and gradually have come to gate my body. And what's crazy, I used to hate my body back then also, I never saw me for me because I was so busy trying to appear normal and fine, and naively poured what remained in my cup into hearts of boys and men who saw me and wanted me. So I gave it all.

I want to be adored, seduced, roughed up before the come down and connection afterwards. I want to feel wonder again, with the earth and my surroundings, I want to know I'm worthy of being given everything I've begged for, without even asking.

I want to continue getting older and get back to the version of me that absorbed poetry for sustenance, soaked in rays of light for recharge, and gave without hesitancy from my much more full cup.