and there was light

When I transitioned to my outpatient role in liver transplant, I thought I was leaving death behind. I was so naive- to believe that loss would not follow me there. Now, instead of working tirelessly for 12 hours, multiple shifts, saving a patient, I was meeting them. Getting to know them. Calling them. Meeting their families. And liver patients are sick- probably the sickest of any organ transplant. I did not understand until I started working in transplant that death was everywhere, still.

I've had the great honor and joy of getting patients to transplant. There are so many. And it is life changing, life saving. But I've lost so many as well. And now I know not only them, but I know their children and their spouses and that they have pets and what they did for work. It's no longer just 12 hours I spend with them, but countless hours in phone calls, clinic visits, hospital visits. I miss G so much. She was such a spark. And S is in the MICU fighting for his life as we speak. I'm afraid we're going to lose him too.

One whole year after my first marathon- when at the finish line I cried to my husband that it was the most painful experience of my life and I am never running another marathon EVER again- I ran my second.

Race Recap: 3:48:17 a 42 second PR

The first 17 miles I stuck with the 3:45 pace group and I ran really strong. I stayed far enough behind them so as not to push my pace, but as each mile ticked off, I felt better and stronger. I was taking in gels well, taking in fluids well. I didn't listen to too much music because the crowd support was amazing. I felt euphoric. @aleph-none was at mile 12 and it was such a boost seeing her!!! (the pic of me mid run is the one she sent me!!). I felt fresh even at the half marathon mark and I did a secret cheer because it's the fastest half I ran this year, even compared to my spring races).

I was terrified my hamstring would slow me down but I felt so good on my legs.

Miles 15-20 it started warming up. It was 67 degrees but we were in direct sunlight on the roads and while it certainly was cooler than my summer training runs, I was not expecting to struggle with the sweat. I was dumping water on myself and filling my handheld every aid station so my pace slowed down into the 8:40s-50s at times and I didn't pee the entire race- I was using ever bit of fluid I took in. I know I wasn't the only one struggling- people around me started to slow down too. But I kept the pace going and while it wasn't effortless, it felt rhythmic.

And then mile 21. Mile 21 I started to hit the hall mentally and physically. It was here that I had to will my legs to move more and walked through the aid station.

To preface, I was under the impression that the course had about 500 feet of elevation gain/climbing which over a marathon is a piece of cake. What I didn't know is that they updated the course so I ended up having to climb about 860 feet of elevation of the course. They were gentle rolling hills, but my knees were not prepared for the fast downhills in the last third. This led to my major slowdown at miles 21-24 where my left knee specifically blew up. My knee was aching and I had zero knee issues ever. in my entire life. It was hot and I was exhausted and I felt like 4 miles was too far to go. I slowly felt the goal of 3:45 slip to 3:46 and then I started to panic- was I even going to go sub 4? I called my sister and was nearly crying on the phone. I was walking at this point. But her words got me jogging again. I don't even remember miles 22-24. I was fighting for each step, walking when I had to and then jogging when I could. When I passed the mile 24 mark, I saw that while 3:47s was not in reach, a PR certainly was. I took my caffeinated gel, put on a really motivational song, and powered through. 25 mile mark.

Then the last 1.2 miles is up a highway ramp. I had to walk a couple times because I felt so defeated. But I started to hear the crowds again so I mustered up everything in me to run. And I just kept going. I ran down the ramp, up the street, and I saw that there was only .5 mile to go. I wasn't sure if sub 3:48 was in me, but I knew I had to try.

I flew the last half mile and when I turned the corner and saw the finish line, I knew I was going to be ok. What was so amazing is that last year, I collapsed from the lactic acid build up at the finish line. But yesterday, I cruised through and kept walking. I felt so much stronger. While I certainly won't be running any time soon (thanks to this bum knee), I didn't feel like crying from pain. I was smiling because i was hungry- hungry for more. I know I have sub 3:45 in me. Today was not my perfect day, but it was still my day.

Looking back at my training for my 2024 marathon, I know that I made many many mistakes. The biggest one was running max 35 miles per week (Yes. Even during peak week), and not prioritizing strength training. It ultimately culminated in me straining my hamstring, and led me rehabbing for months. I ended up in PT and was run/walking for months before I was cleared to run. I had two half marathons Spring 2025 and they both went terribly. I ran in pain and slowly compared to my previous halfs. But I remember after finishing my tenth half marathon, and thinking to myself "But maybe this was the point all along." I think in my journey to constantly improving, I forgot that the most important thing was running itself. I was pushing myself too hard too fast out of injury (reminder: an injury that took basically 6 months to recover from). So after a wonderful, restful two weeks in Europe, I decided to test the waters with training for a full.

Even training this year, I have a couple regrets. I wish I had taken the time to lock in and build a stronger body- specifically my legs. I think I could really have excelled further if I took strength more seriously. But hindsight is 20/20, and with the knowledge I have now, I know what I have to do to push towards my big goals in 2026.

The things that went SUPER WELL:

I'm thankful I got through this marathon training cycle completely injury free, running 40+ mile per week training weeks for the majority of training. I truly believe that base is what allowed me to build the endurance I needed.

I did a good mix of speed workouts during training. I built my plan based on Pfitz (but toned down the difficulty) and I focused a lot on speedwork within my long runs to build mental strength. I also repeated a couple key workouts to watch my progress and give myself a confidence boost.

my fueling during the race was soooo on point because I practiced religiously during my long runs. I had zero stomach issues thank GOD.

My overall strength. I came away with so much love for the marathon and so much motivation for next year.

q6 month update

somehow fall came and went, and then it was winter, and suddenly spring.

the election brought so much fear, and inauguration made those fears come to life. we live in a fascist state and there are so many days i've wanted to crawl in a hole. everyday i wake up and read about more people suffering, more people oppressed, more people being disappeared and kidnapped. what's happening is evil. some days, i can't believe i still have to go to work like nothing is wrong.

i've started volunteering with an org because i needed a way to be involved without it being related to nursing. and while the work i do is meaningful, it's hard to always find purpose in what i'm doing on the day to day that feels like a protest. anyway. i had to get that off my chest because mentally, a lot of my energy has been consumed by the state of america.

after my marathon (still top three best days of my life, competing with my wedding day and the day i got engaged to the LOML !), i suffered a hamstring strain. thinking it was just soreness, i took time off and started to run again, only to find that the pain was still there. i started working with a running PT/coach in november and worked hard for 16 weeks. i started out with run/walk intervals where i was still having pain running for one minute! and 16 weeks later i'm running continuously pain free. since i've completed the return to running, i'm training for a half in may and june, though which one i'm actually racing is TBD. i still struggle with my hamstring when i'm pushing too hard or not doing my rehab exercises, but overall i'm feeling so good. i'm aiming for a strong spring half training cycle, taking a training break when i'm in europe this june, and then training for a fall marathon. i'm pretty set on cape cod again, but i'm not 100% sure.

dd and i have been busy, especially this spring. we went to a music festival, then his best friend's wedding (an indian wedding so obviously lots of events), and we're trying to do a lot of travel this year (though certain countries tbd). i've included my vision board because it feels silly to create them, but it also is so fun to look back on the year that i had and what i had set out to accomplish.

something i really struggled with was my skin. at its worst, i had cystic breakouts and it really fucked with my self confidence. after struggling for months, i finally went to a dermatologist. i think a combination of replacing my IUD and going on spironolactone really transformed my skin. i am so grateful for modern medicine, even for things that feel as silly as skin and aesthetics.

despite the state of the world, i have a really beautiful life. and it feels wrong to feel that way. but it also feels wrong not to acknowledge it. i wish everyone got to experience the love i have; i wish everyone got to live with the comforts and luxuries i do (and often take for granted); i wish everyone had security; and obviously- i wish the election turned out so different. because i'm afraid for not just the next four years, but for the decade after that.

That was so fucking hard. But considering I stopped to shit twice, I’m very proud of:))

I knew I was in shape to run 26.2 miles but I had no idea how fast I was capable of running. I decided to set 3 goals:

A) sub 3:50

B) sub 4

C) finish

The first ten miles felt great but I was very conscious of running too fast. Kept the pace comfortable but working. Mentally, I knew I was seeing my husband around mile 11 so I decided to break it up in four sections: miles 1-11, miles 11-16, miles 16-22, and miles 22-finish. I didn’t place any speed goals during those segments- just stay comfortable.

After seeing Adi at mile 11, I started crying. There was this beautiful moment where the people next to him started cheering for me and said “HAPPY TEARS HAPPY TEARS” and I gave them a thumbs up and a wave and they started cheering “GO PEARL” and it was such a special moment. Starting mile 10, my left hamstring felt like it was getting tired. I know that I need to work on my left leg weakness. But all in all, decent shape.

I just focused on running easy and effortlessly miles 11-16. It was here that I took my first 💩stop. Thank god there were so many porta potty’s. 😂

Around mile 16 my lungs and heart felt good but my legs were dead. They felt like they couldn’t move. I started to panic but I forced myself to take deep breaths and numb out the thoughts of quitting. Once I took a couple of gels and plenty of Gatorade, by mile 19-20 my legs were feeling better.

The entire time, my mind played games with me and kept saying “I have x miles to go I can’t do this”. It started at mile 11- “I have fifteen miles to go how am I going to hang on to this”. But I just focused on the person in front of me and I had to just let the thoughts go. I told myself out loud “I am strong. Run relaxed. Stay calm”. The mental toughness I practiced a lot during my long runs, so I’m glad I could exercise that muscle.

So anyway- at mile 20 I thought “ok only 2 5ks to go.” So I focused on the 5k I was in. And I just kept grinding. At this point, I let the crowds carry me. I let the thought of seeing Adi and my sister at the finish line carry me. I focused on each runner in front of me to keep going. And before I knew it, I was at mile 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.

The final .2 miles I was listening to POWER and I just let my legs carry me as fast as they would. It was the most surreal experience seeing that huge finish line banner in front of me. And then I saw Adi and ivey and I knew it was all over.

I burst into tears at the end. I worked so hard after being injured for two weeks. And though it was the single most painful experience of my life, I felt so lucky to have experienced it.

We are halfway through Week 11 of marathon training and I’ve finished a 20 mile run and NOW we taper.

We are 17 days out from the marathon. I’m going to have so many feels.

I attempted to train for a marathon once in winter 2020 before the world shut down. And the night and day difference I feel is astounding.

My attitude around fueling is completely different. I don't bottom out at the end of every run. I take multiple rest days a week if I need to. And I've just found the stillness in running again. I've completed three half marathons this year alone and I didn't even post about it, but I PR'd by four minutes- the 1:51:30 I did in 2018 when I had a slew of eating issues-- to 1:47:31 while feeling low energy and coming out of having a cold?!

hello~!

though i've periodically checked in here and there, i've spent very little time on here. i don't know when we decided tumblr was dying, but here we are.

i'm not sure who else is out there, but if you see this, hi! long time no see.

after our perfect california wedding in november, my husband and i went to the french polynesia for our honeymoon. ~dreamy~ doesn't even begin to capture it. i am so grateful we decided to do a honeymoon fund for our wedding because it allowed us to have the honeymoon that we did.

we got some tragic news about my father in law while we were still on our honeymoon. i knew what the outcome would be for months leading up to it, but the day we got confirmation was really hard. the past year+ has been so hard. but we got answers. and though it wasn't the answer we wanted, it allows us to adjust our expectations. the hardest part of this experience was being a support to my husband when i had no idea what i could say or do to ease his pain. for the first time in my life, i was unsure of how to comfort him. but i realized that perhaps i couldn't comfort him. that it wasn't for me to try to heal or fix. there are some things in life that are just too big for words and affirmations and hugs. so while i did those things- and while i listened and stood by his side, i learned that i couldn't be so arrogant to think that i would be why he made it through. because it's something that over the years, will continue to hurt him and break him. it's not something he will get over. and i don't want to say "it's ok" as in it's fair that this is happening. but "it's ok" in the sense that i will be here for him, always.

the holidays quickly came and went- living on the opposite side of the country as my family has been really hard, but spending a full month in LA with them during the wedding season made it a little easier having to work through the holidays.

and soon it was march- we got married on a gorgeous march weekend in a city just outside New Delhi. for anyone who has gone abroad to meet their partner's families- it's overwhelming. but where i thought i'd be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, i found i was quickly overwhelmed with love. while the majority of my husband's family speaks english, there are many (especially those from the more rural areas) who do not. but spoken language is just one way to communicate. and i found that even though i couldn't understand Hindi, i understood them. what a blessing it is to have been welcomed. one of the early obstacles in our relationship (circa 2018-2020) was the acceptance and approval of my hsuband's parents and family. to choose a love marriage was one thing- but for him to marry a non indian woman was another. i'm so thankful he stood his ground and fought for us and protected me. :~)

after we got back from india i was down bad for 1.5 weeks with what i am self diagnosing as norovirus. it was awful loooool. sickest i've ever been.

in april, we went to our favorite dreamville fest~

in june, we went to LA, vegas, and seattle. i fell in love with seattle but unfortunately but fortunately we were there during a surprising week of sun and no clouds. as much as i could see us living there, i know the weather is a big concern. even living for four years in cleveland, i was extremely depressed because we saw the sun maybe 45% of the year.

and finally- i started a new job. i had been looking casually for awhile. night shift has had my heart for 5.5 years but as i approach my 30s, i feel the toll its taking on my body. and i really just needed to take care of my health. i looked at a lot of coordinator roles, and while i liked them when i shadowed, i knew in my gut they werent right for me.

and then i found a transplant coordinator role.

i've always loved transplant patients- pre and post- but my experience has always been with the heart. the position i took was for the liver. and while i knew nothing about the liver, i took a chance for two main reasons.

my good friend in CICU has two close friends who work as liver transplant coordinators and love it.

the schedule! 3 days in office, 1 day from home, 1 day off. no weekends or holidays unless on call.

i really enjoyed the shadow experience, but at this point i had been turned down by multiple coordinator roles so i wasn't sure how strong a candidate i was. to my shock i got the call the following week. (later, i found out through my cicu buddy that all the coordinators who met me voted for me that same afternoon when their manager put the candidates to a vote).

i'm in my third month, close to being off orientation, and i've really fallen in love with the role. it's hard, and it's overwhelming at times because there are so many things to know, so many things to keep track of. it's using different parts of my brain. but i find so much joy in the challenge.

nothing will scratch the itch of critical care in me. i loved that- i loved it so much. but i love my life now. i do. i love the things i'm learning about. i love my patients. and as many flaws as there are in any outpatient program, i can see myself here for awhile.

finally-- physically i am doing well. i've transitioned to a lot of running this year. i do strength train, but i'm not really pushing myself as hard to grow muscle or look a certain way anymore. all the noise is now quiet (for the most part.). and i'm really thriving.

anyway- in case youre nosey

no- we don't plan on having kids any time soon

yes- i am dying to get a puppy

Hi friends!

A little update

So. Many. Good. Memories.

A Summer Recap.

Last time I posted, it was early July and I was preparing for my CCRN. Well, I passed with flying colors! It's the first time in a long time that I studied for something, and it was a real feel-good achievement. For most of my life, I've had this "achievement" mindset-- where I put this pressure to constantly be working on or striving towards the next Big Thing. But in this season, I've been letting go of that. I don't (think I) want to be a CRNA. I don't (think I) want to be a NP. And sometimes, this little feeling of "not enough"-ness rises up in me. But the freedom I have found in letting go of those expectations of myself is something I'm truly experiencing for the first time this year. So, while I did push myself to study for the CCRN, I did it because I wanted to. Not because I wanted something else to add to my resume. And not because I wanted to prove anything to anyone except myself.

July and August was a lot of work- I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, and there ended up being like four events I had to go to, plus the 5 events of the actual wedding weekend (indian wedding!!). It was amazing to see my friend so happy, but I honestly will be very content not to be a bridesmaid again. It was stressful. Very stressful. And expensive. Very expensive. And going through that process made me really happy that I decided not to have a bridal party for my own wedding.

This summer was so busy and full- we didn't do much traveling since we're planning our wedding & saving for that, but we did a lot of small trips. Columbus, OH. NYC. Philly. LA. Boston. Upstate NY for a wedding. Lots of sweet little trips.

life has been incredibly sweet

we have finalized most of our wedding details & took our engagement photos in palos verdes. we hiked down onto the water and up the cliffs and it was an incredible experience. this is one of my favorite photos from that day.

the past few months we’ve filled with concerts and music festivals, a trip to Florida, our joint bachelorette/bachelor weekend, and lots of running and lifting in between. I’ve been studying for my CCRN and it’s making me crazy that I don’t know how to focus anymore. Fingers crossed I pass.

snippets of the past four months:

november: engagement bliss. we spent a week in san juan, PR and it was perfect. we celebrated adi's 27th birthday dancing in the streets of la placita. a week later i turned 27 while working (i worked the night before my birthday). at midnight, my coworkers surprised me with a cookie cake and pizza. i love my coworkers so much.

for thanksgiving, i took time off and went to LA. while there, we chose our wedding venue! and i bought my dress! (not the dress pictured- though similar).

december: lots of shenanigans. we rang in the new year in philly.

january: my best friend visited me and i took her around my favorite places in ct. adi and i went to ohio to visit his family (my first time in ohio since 2018!!).

february: we are fully into wedding planning. we've booked most of our vendors at this point- it's been overall stress free. i decided early on i didnt want to stress about the wedding, and i didn't want to spend a lot of money. the process has been so enjoyable and i'm so excited to continue planning!!

march: on saturday, we saw ari lennox and tuesday we saw J.I.D. I LOVE THEM. we're going to dreamville fest at the end of the month and i cannot wait.

other things: currently running three days a week and lifting three days a week. love the hybrid training. currently cutting and almost done with it. i successfully did AN UNASSISTED PULLUP (actually can do two!!) which was a goal for 2022.

For those of you who have been here since the beginning

LIFE LATELY

I've reverse dieted for the past 2-3 months and I've really pushed maintenance calories-- it's been worth it! I have so much energy and it really allowed me to to train hard for my half marathon. Now that I'm in maintenance, I'm tracking 4-5 days a week and eating intuitively 2-3 times a week- not because I'm trying to restrict but because I want to make sure I'm still pushing my calories. It's overall been a wonderful journey, and it's COMPLETELY changed my relationship with food. I've on and off struggled with it for as long as I can remember but I'm so thankful that I'm at the point that I am with food. Every year, my relationship with food has improved little by little as I've learned along the way. My body is actually the healthiest it's ever been- my cycle is better regulated, I get good sleep, my mood is stable. And while these are all things I really experienced in 2020-2021, I was still struggling with constantly wanting to diet. In 2022, I made it my goal to be my healthiest self, and I came to realize that I needed to actually take time in maintenance. So- as tempting as it is to cut when everyone else is- I promised I would spend at least 8 months in maintenance after reverse dieting. And while I've reverse dieted in the past, this is the first time I've then STAYED in maintenance. And what a joy it's been. I am completely satiated. I never knew what it was like to have a few bites of something super sweet or savory and being content- but I've come to that point??? Wild. WILD!

And because I am so well fueled, I accomplished something that I haven't done in four years- I broke 2 hours for my half marathon. I had been training for the past 12 weeks, 3 runs a week, mostly at recovery paces. It was often hot; humid; and the sun was strong. I bombed my last half marathon, and that loomed over me. But i really trusted the process and didn't put the pressure on myself. I kept lifting three days a week, and I made sure to fuel extra on the days I had long runs. This is the first race I've ever run where I had proper nutrition. I didn't lose a single pound- and that was the goal. It paid off. I ran 1:57:19, and that was with the first 3 miles that were 9:15-9:45 min pace. This is probably the first half marathon I've run where I properly strength trained, and it was noticeable during the second half. I wasn't completely run down and fatigued. i felt stronger and stronger with each passing mile. as I started passing the mile signs and seeing my pace, I was encouraged. I am so thankful for my body and for all it has endured. 2022 is the strongest my body has ever been, & the most at peace I’ve been with my health. I sprinted the last half mile passing many runners, and I crossed the finish line sobbing because I proved myself capable of something I didn’t think I would do again. Running has always been my first love, & it holds the most special place in my heart.

hi my friends! its been four months since i've posted anything here, mainly because i've been busy living life. some say tumblr is dying, but there is something about blogging that i appreciate so much- having a finsta just isn't the same. tumblr uploaded my photos backwards, so i guess we'll start in august and move back towards may.

i've been thinking a lot about family a lot recently because there are parts of my family i no longer am in contact with. this time last year through january 2022 there was a lot of personal loss & grief. i still have a lot of anger that i haven't worked through, and still don't feel ready to work through. i go between being able to accept & forget (note: not forgive. just accept.) and wanting to make them understand the hurt. i don't know that i'm ready yet to leave it behind me.but what matters most is that the familiy & friends & people who genuinely love me for me, and whom i love for who they are- those people are still close by and would be here in a heartbeat.

august is slipping away ! this summer has been hot and humid and sticky but so full. lots of ice cream dates at our favorite spot. i've truly fallen in love with this little city. i never dreamed i'd be here for four years and yet we're approaching that! i've been in the CICU now for over a year, and am fully device trained- impella, CVVH, TTM. i'm constantly humbled by work, and by how intelligent and hardworking my coworkers are. i! love! my! job! (sometimes) i had a string of deaths in may and june that really burnt me out emotionally. it was so hard. but the coping skills i really developed in therapy have been helping me so much.

i'm in the middle of training for a half marathon (six weeks away!!) because my sister wanted to run one. it'll be the first one i run WITH someone, so i'm excited for that. i'm running three days a week and hitting the gym three days a week (push pull legs). the balance i have with health and fitness is honestly unreal. i've been pushing my intake and protein and seeing so much more energy, satiety, and a lot less hormonal fluctuations. it's been FAB.

july was spent with family. my mom and sister visited my other sister in boston, so we all spent a lot of time together. i got to see my cousins, aunts, uncles, and my grandparents. july 2021 was the last time i saw my paternal grandmother in person and so i thought of her a lot. i miss her so fucking much.

in june DD and i went to curacao and it was a dream. i haven't taken a vacation like that in 3 years, so it was sooooo wonderful. i love! my life! i have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. stay tuned to the end of the year (which tbh will probably be the next time i post anything).

april was a tough month, but may was wonderful. we went to san francisco/the bay for a wedding and made it into a vacation. yosemite was absolutely breathtaking, and i fell in love with california just a teeny bit. i don't see myself ever living there, but never say never!