Pea Lives On

It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. 

me: Do What? You have to suggest something?

Brain: Do something!!!!

me: suggest what plEASE 

brain: no can do.

Me: ok.

Here’s what I’ve always wanted to say to you. Just two words.

Fuck. You.

Fuck you for making my life, a life that I loved, a life I continuously work to find worth waking up to, a living hell. Congratulations because you’ve turned a child with curiosity and a spark into a teenager who drinks tons of coffee and is never mentally free because of assignments that never stop coming. Congratulations, for turning an innocent, happy child into a teenager who loathes everyone around them, who prioritizes marks over morals and health. Congratulations, you’ve turned everything I loved about learning and made it the thing I despise the most. Congratulations, I have stopped dreaming now, I’ll go by your rules and I’ll stop thinking that I ever had a choice. Congratulations, I have given up on a life that does not revolve around academic excellence and bullshitting papers. Congratulations, you have made me hate my life worse than my worst demons ever did. Congratulations, you have turned a human into a numb robot.

I don’t feel anymore. I stopped feeling a long time ago because feelings were never as important as the test tomorrow. I stopped playing a long time ago because my joy right now was never as important as the test tomorrow. I stopped voicing my opinions a long time ago because they were never as important as the answer that the book said was correct. I stopped learning a long time ago because it didn’t matter as long as my marks were still low. I stopped loving myself a long time ago because I am not lovable and I am a disgrace if I am rebellious and don’t give you the grades you want. I stopped wanting things a long time ago because I don’t deserve them unless the exam scores are 100 percent.

I stopped living a long time ago because it was never as important as going to school tomorrow.

So congratulations. Congratulations for taking a little human and killing them inside and producing an academic ghost of a robot.

Congratulations. What a fucking feat. You have killed my soul and replaced it with bitter, deep-rooted anger.

Congratulations, for ruining all our lives.