PeachCake2

Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer scrolling through, looking for any Princess Peach games. Princess Peach had always been my favorite character, so I was confused why there was barely any fan games centered around her. Peach is a great character! She has a personality, so many skills, and she’s had many playable appearances! She even had a her own game in recent years! Princess Peach Showtime. But I’m still waiting for Nintendo to make a sequel.

I slammed my fist on the table.”It’s not fair!” I cried. “Why must I be cursed like this!? I’m too lazy to make my own fan games! Will no one make me an awesome Princess Peach fan game for me!?”

That’s when a small pink object flew threw my window and hit the side of my head. I was pissed. “What the fuck, that could’ve poked my eye out!” My anger disappeared when I saw what the object was.

It was a Princess Peach themed flash drive. It was the same shade of pink as Peach’s iconic dress, her crown icon slapped in the middle. My eyes lit up my entire room. “What kind of moron would throw away such a treasure!?” I thought to myself. “Another fine addition to my collection!”

I plugged the drive into my computer, and made my way through the files. My jaw dropped to floor as I saw what the drive contained. It was a game file labeled “Awesome Princess Peach Fan Game” I couldn’t believe my luck! I immediately placed my hand on the mouse, brought my cursor to the game, and used my fingey to rapidly click on it until it opened.

I was brought to a main menu with a png stock image of Peach on the screen, my only option was to press play. The game opened with a cut scene of Peach inside a cell in Bowser’s castle. I knew it was his cell because I recognized his face advertised everywhere. Peach looked so bored and fed up, because Mario hadn’t shown up yet. Deciding she had enough of waiting, she threw herself out the open cell window, falling onto Toad and crushing him into a mushroom pancake. Peach ran off into the sunset, where the game brought me to level 1.

I mastered the complex game play of jumping over gaps quickly, and when I found out you could smack enemies with your parasol, I felt like a god. I rammed through the feeble Goombas and Koopas in my path. They screamed as Peach sent them flying into outer space. “Hah!” I cried out. “I am invincible! Invincible!” I beat four levels with my god tier skills. But when I reached the goal it the end of level five, Peach suddenly froze and the screen suddenly changed for a second before fading to black.

“That was way too fast!” I said to the screen. “How do they expect me to see every intricate detail in only one second!?” A text box then appeared on screen in monster movie font saying “Oops sorry about that, here you go.” The game then showed me what had flashed on screen. It showed Peach mid run animation, but her eyes were pin pricks. Because right in front of her… was another Peach. But this one looked wrong.

The other Peach had completely black eyes, with a black ooze dripping from them. The same black ooze also dripped from her smiling mouth, stained the bottom of her dress, and covered her clawed arms. The type of scary character someone clearly only put effort into describing so random strangers online would draw fan art of them. Just then, the screen went black, and then a super duper ultra hyper realistic image of the scary inky Peach appeared on my screen.

She said to me in a garbled voice “I see you’re enjoying the game. Why don’t we make things more interesting?”

“How could things get more interesting, Scary Peach!?” I screamed politely.

“Girl, are you seriously gonna call me “Scary Peach” this whole game?”

“Well I don’t know your name!” I thought for exactly 00 hours 1 minute 5 seconds and 45 milliseconds before making a decision. “You’re all covered in a black ooze, so I shall call you “Inky.” Inky blinked at me, her eye twitching. Clearly she must think I’ve come up with the greatest name of all time for a scary version of a character. She muttered something under her breath about “Better than “Scary Peach” before disappearing from my screen.

The game then loaded up the next level. But the sky was gray, the grass looked dead, and all the enemies had black eyes and black ooze just like Inky. Peach also had a scared expression on her face. I fought my way through the enemies with my heavenly parasol, until I finally reached Bowser’s second castle. Inside Bowser’s castle, all the pictures and statues of Bowser were replaced with Inky, even Bowser’s icon was replaced with Inky’s face. When I reached the boss room, Inky was already there Bowser on the ground. Bowser had died from boredom!!! A cutscene played as Peach and Inky spoke with each other.

Peach pointed at Inky. “I found you faker!”

Inky scoffed. “Faker? How rude! And after I so kindly got rid of Bowser for you!”

“Are you the reason Mario never showed up!?”

“Nah, he just missed a jump and fell into a pit. He dead.”

“Oh, that’s no big deal, he’ll be revived in time for the next game.”

“I did kill Luigi though.”

Peach fell to her knees. “NOOOOOOO!!! Everyone was waiting for Luigi’s Mansion 4 you monster!”

I started an epic boss battle with Inky, the music sounding epic to degrees I couldn’t begin to describe. Inky slashed at me with her claws, but I dodged and fought back with determination. She would pay for robbing the world of Luigi’s Mansion 4! Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of never getting to play it.

After I smacked her with the umbrella enough times, Inky finally collapsed to the floor. Inky growled. “Fine, I’ll leave you alone! Just please stop hitting me with your god tier umbrella!” Inky then Gaussian blurred away, leaving Peach as the victor, who let out a victory screech.

The game then played the credits sequence, showing Peach, Luigi’s ghost, and pancake Toad, as they flew into the glorious sunset. The bodies of my enemies appearing everywhere on the ground below. I was happy to have finally beaten the game! “I am the master of games!” I shouted at the roof.

I stepped into my kitchen, got a drink of water, ate a sandwich, went to bed, woke up the next morning, and went to the grocery store, until I realized something horrifying…