flow.enol

Been a while, eh?

I guess at this point, where else can I go to with my words and thoughts?

You know, the darker ones that you can’t really share with the people you love and care about. 

Sometimes life gets really hard, and they tell you that there are speed bumps, and hiccups. They tell you it is not how you fall, but how you get back up. But how do you get back up when you have lost all interest in standing any longer?

I do not wish for death at this point, I just wish for clarity, for stability. I wish to understand my strengths and weaknesses. I wish to know myself better than anything else, to figure out my true passions and to be able to run with them.

Some days are much harder than others, some days I want to give up, I am fighting the battle not only for myself, but for the one that I love.

You make me feel so empty

Shallow thoughts swerving through my mind

Your tasteless words poison me

Empty promises and fake longings

You’re here and then you’re gone

My stomach aches from hunger pains,

As I sit here and ponder if I even dare get up.

The long shifts leave me apathetic,

So here it is here we go, let’s attempt this shall we.

Everyone is supposed to have “something.” “some, thing.”

It brings everything together, fills in all the pieces to the puzzle.

Your passions are what create you, and your passions are what are waiting for you in your future.

Or is that just what everyone else is doing and you’re trying to hop up onto the bandwagon?

Hey, I was there, I followed trends. 

But let’s not get off-topic.. 

I’ve been trying to figure it out, lately much more than often, what I may be here for, what my actual potential is, where my career lies.

Finally I’ve learned to stop worrying about the future because, well just because. I think it’s all quite obvious as to why I shouldn’t worry about the future as much a why you shouldn’t worry about the future now isn’t it?

But the present is what will always cease to amaze me, all the hurt it can bring, to all of the happiness and beauty. The awareness of everyday life, all of the beautiful things happening all around you, while there are plenty of rotten things going on behind the scenes.

But the past, this is where it gets tricky. The past brings so much, and you should never forget the past, but you should neither hold on to the past. Because your past can have angels and your past can have demons, and if you have a long life ahead of you, which I’m sure you do, everyone knows sometimes your demons like to come haunt you every once in a bit.

You also mustn’t ever judge the present from the past, past emotions, past interactions, these are not the same as they are in this moment, things are not the same today as they were yesterday. So on and so forth. 

I’m not entirely sure of what this “passage” is about, but maybe it will have meaning to you. 

But now a dog is barking and I can’t focus,

So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything “serious” on here, I mean at this point looking back I don’t think I’ve ever written anything serious on here since it’s been all about boys and flings and love and heartbreak.

But here’s the bigger picture. Being in Nantucket, now day 96 (84 days left), makes me really miss the little things, like a lot. Not just the free time, it’s the long endless car rides, it’s the long blunt cruises with Briana and all of our friends, or the late nights spent sweating/freezing under my car with James. it’s the knowledge of just knowing that everyone I love is just a phone call away and a few miles to drive. But being stuck here, an ocean as a border between me and everyone I love, it’s painful, having Briana here is the only thing keeping me level anymore it seems, without her I’d only bend and break.

Do you ever just feel so alone, you surround yourself with smiling faces but in the back of your mind you just can not escape the black void that is swallowing you whole?

Sometimes I just want to run away.

Just the thought of getting away and meeting new smiling faces and the chance of getting out of this black void. 

Just the idea of being able to feel something other than negative emotions and feelings. 

every time I see you I get excited 

I can't help but remember the thrill of it 

watching the blood pool down my arms 

goosebumps filling my body 

the adrenaline, the toxic rush 

how it just took me away from reality for a little while

just long enough to distract me from the real pain 

the monsters in my head that hurt me the most 

the way they'd make me think 

the way they'd make me see myself 

I was once my own monster 

I was once my own worst enemy 

I can't help but feel as if I have finally reached the end of this cigarette

I try to remind myself every single day that you really can't control some things in this life. You can't control who passes away, or who loves you or who hates you, you can only accept it and go on with your life.

in the middle of the busiest highway

on a rainy day

slowly filling as the rain pours

I want to be that blade of grass

that the little girl collects

to braid into another blade of grass

into a beautiful head piece 

It's the people that see through it all that deep down you are truly a good person, it's the people that see how tough it really is for you and accept you for all of your flaws that you can't control.