on the enormity of love and desire when you are alone

The quoters are: 1. maybe i should have wanted less. maybe i should have ignored the bowl in me burning to be filled. maybe i should have wanted less. 2. If I fell through the floor I would keep falling. The enormity of my desire disgusts me. 3. No one will want to lie in clouds of mist with me, and even if someone did, I couldn’t expel the mist from my head. 4. I fell in love with the idea that the mysterious thing you look for your while life will eventually eat you alive. 5. When you have wanted to be wanted all your life, and then somebody wants you, it feels like cheating. It feels like eating something you are not supposed to eat, and you eat it too quickly, always afraid of your lover walking in and seeing it smeared all over your face, red, the damning evidence of your hunger to be wanted, and nobody wants to love someone too desperate to be loved, so you do your best not to be desperate, you walk in the harsh January sun with your hands freezing in your pockets and try to look like someone who doesn't want anything too much. Here's the thing, you want everything so much that you're like a ravine in the shape of a woman, taking in anything that seems like it could be love. 6. Actually, you said “Love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like a religion. It's terrifying. No one will ever want to sleep with you.” 7. I need you to love me more / Love me more, love me more / Love enough to fill me up / Fill me up, fill me full up / I need you to love me more / Love me more, love me more / Love enough to drown it out / Drown it out, drown me out 8. Oh lord when you are alone and do not want to be, you lie in bed with your own shoulder wrapped around and beneath yourself so that the surges of pain keep you company. This is hurtful but it is so much better than no nerves firing at all. The worst is when there's no one near to press on you and make dents in your skin with their finger nails. You are left running your hands all over yourself, biting trying and experimenting to create sensations. The enormous feelings you make prove to yourself that you create great excitement. 9. because you want to die for love, you always have 10. I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it, to be fed so much love I couldn't take any more. Just once.

Look at me.

Look at me right now.

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