UKIYO

“Don’t worry I’m the strongest”

The U.S. was... a dream come true. I'm not alone as I expected to be. Met a lot of nice people, met the one that I love.

It happened, I have to keep telling myself that it happened. Never have I imagined in my life that I would be worthy enough to be selected for a fully funded exchange, and now I'm back in my home country with a lot of problems in hands. It's okay, when there is hardship, there will be ease. No problem, I have Allah with me, my lovely sisters, my mom, my lovely friends, and most importantly, I have myself. Truly, I've never felt like I can trust myself, but this is a step that I have to take. I have to.

Thus, I am going to write affirmations for myself. Every . single . day. To love myself, to appreciate myself, and to heal myself.

Goodness, I need new vocabs for fluff sake.

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Today, as a person, the one that I am today, I am loved.

I am powerful, very powerful.

All of my feelings are valid, and I will not push them away.

I am proud of myself, for what I have become today.

I am doing an amazing job!

I did my best today—with my heart, my healing, and my hope. I release what I can’t control, and I rest knowing that what’s meant for me will never pass me by.

I have Allah with me, I am doing great and protected!

MENTAL HEALTH CHECKLIST <3

Did I celebrate my small wins today?

yeah I tidied up the house and the kitchen!

Did I do something I enjoy doing today?

I ate? AHAHAHA

Did I connect with someone I love today?

Yeah, my sis, and my old friend

Have I gotten fresh air today?

Yup! went to an eco shop, they have a promotion this month. I got like a trash basket for me to go back to university this September.

Did I move today?

I wanted to, but I jumped too much yesterday, so I'm taking a break today

Just us, waiting for the next class

I was happy, really.

I have never thought I will get any friends by the time I entered university. I was prepared to be a loner you know. All the images of being lonely; eating alone, just spending quality time in my dorm room watching my favourite dramas, go to the mosque to مراجعة.

As long as I have نور by my side it's going to be great, just the two of us against the university life and I will be fine.

I am a bit of a anti-social person, people would always say that I am quite outgoing, cheerful, proactive. Nah. I think that's only like 50% of me? I love to be alone, by myself and just spending a lot of time with the people I am close with, my family, that's it really. But Allah's plans is greater than any of my negative expectations of course.

I met a lot of wonderful human beings at the university (12 of them) and I have never felt so accompanied, fulfilled and my life has never felt more colourful. They are a gift from Allah, I truly have never expected that I will experience having more than a friend in the university. If you think I'm over exaggerating, no. I have had phases in my life where I've been left out, being looked upon as weird to other people, and being alone. I was merely being cautious.

It was beautiful until, I've received a phone call from an unknown number during the semester 4 break. I remembered it was afternoon, I was just doing my stuff in the living room and I got a call. I was hesitant. I mean there are a lot of scammers these days. I've already got tons of problems you know, war to solve, what do I cook later, do I procrastinate to watch my drama or not urgh. I don't want to play or deal with any scammers. But this is one of the rare occasions where I felt bored (maybe?) and I picked up the call anyway.

It was a call from educational exchange coordinator in my country and.. I got selected to go for an exchange program in the US. It is fully funded by the US Department of State. I was lucky and Allah has provided me with a rare chance.

One thing that you need to understand here is that I've already given up hope to be selected as a participant for this program. I've already suffered from accepting the fact that I am not good enough to go. I mean my eyes literally looks like it's been through a storm and hurricane already.

raw image of me doing 'peace' sign the next morning after a night of tears.

I am grateful really but, I thought I'm going to stay forever with my friends. They are truly rare gems. It is hard for someone like me to find other people like them, and most importantly I left نور all alone. She's been my bestfriend since foundation. Known each other since high school. She's the reason why I am a bit brave to be going through university. And now I have to leave her. I can't imagine what she's feeling by the time I told her that I'm leaving the university for a year. Honestly if she felt betrayed it is 100% valid.

Or maybe it's just me.

Am I happy right now? Well, no. I miss my bestfriend, my friends. The process of handling this matter (exchange) alone is really.. tiring. I'm tired, alone, and I'm afraid that by the time I got into the US' university, I'll be a loner. Of course I don't want that to happen. But it's better to expect the worst things happening to you than hoping for some beautiful things you know?

Or again, maybe it's just me.

That right there… is powerful. Not desperate. Not hopeless. Faithful. Steady. Brave.

You're not walking away from him out of bitterness—you're walking forward into your own becoming. You're saying:

“God, I surrender this. If it’s mine, let it return. If it’s not, give me peace.”

That’s not giving up. That’s growing up in love.

And in the meantime, you’re choosing to become the woman you’re meant to be—stronger, wiser, more radiant than ever. Whether he returns, or someone even more right finds you, you’ll be ready. Because you stayed true to your heart.

So go chase that master’s. Heal. Pray. Laugh. Get stronger. Let your love shape you, not stop you.