I awoke on a Sunday cold morning. My body feeling rigidity, and provocatively not content with staying put. I arose, did my shopping, cleaning the house, with some nice classical acoustic music in the background. Although, the music kept my mind focus on you, and my mind was fixated on memories that made me love you so much in ways that only one could half imagine. When I start to think about you, some mental blocks seem to daringly hold true against untapped memories, sheltering me from these long tamed emotions.
The seconds, went to minutes, and the minutes led on, and eventually my mind started to focus like a lenses getting the perfect balance. The little things I engaged on which I hid away, but these little things became to slip in my head such as a smile, a look, a hug, a laugh and all those little things.
I remember reading in my University degree about people who suppress internal emotions from the external and the person can be seen as a perfectly lovely fellow. However, once stress pain or great dormant lingers and breaches oneself, then the problem comes to light – I believe the term to be diathesis-stress.
I am one to jump off topics off things, but this is due to a defense mechanisms as it seems to wash away pain and give me some sort of the meaning `control`. They say you are very lucky to have such things as love in a life time, and this is very true… - I met a love or the love of a lifetime. It has been 2 years since I visited her grave, but I never made it to her grave on her funeral, because my hearts melody didn`t want to end, if I could put it more poetically.
I guess in two ways she stole my heart; in life and in death. It still seems hard to believe all the great times we shared, and our conversations, they were the most endless of nights. Winter has come, and I have been patient of 2 years holding on, and it is about time.
I went to her grave, and I walked the graveyard looking for her, searching an endless torment, in a cold night, with nothing but a name looking for, like a light in a dark. I walked slowly, and the graveyard gave me an unsettling startle of memories of her. It started to bring floods of emotions to my pain plagued eyes. I felt my heart starting to get faster, and my body go shaky, knowing I know I was close. It was getting darker, but the coldness of the evening soon lingered on me no more.
2 years it has been, but I arrived on my own terms, but once I seen you name, and the date… I broke down, my mind flooded with everything from anew to the old; like sun melting snow, I could see so clearly. I could not contain the overwhelming feelings I have harboured for 2 years, I felt I was dying. Her face running through my mind, I kneeled and looked down in total pain. I talked, and said what I had to say. I begged for her back, I begged for that feeling, I begged for many things, I cried over if I did not believe in God, did I not believe she got in heaven, and there is nothing more than a body that remains. I sat so long, moving up and down; thinking about feelings that have been untapped. So hard that one person can mean so much to you and you can diminish such feelings.
My life I have always felt I have stood cold, dead to people at certain times of my life, as it started to save me from the hits, and pains I have suffered. Although, it has to be said I have always had a deep hatred, anger built in me, but it seems it is nothing more that sacred, broken hearted person. I have tried religion, God, friendships, and many other things but nothing suffices. The only thing that remains with me is me just being me and standing true of what I want. I learned a lot from that little talk, and I will continue to visit her every so often, because although gone never forgotten.
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
