MEDICINEISLYF2K18

you are a fourth year medical student - you absolute hero. 

So proud darling - although you have done fuck all this year. but lets not dwell. 

Ill stop talking in the third person. 

Emergency medicine has been wild fun. Enjoyed that life - can see myself doing that life for a while yet. I think thats what i what to do when i grow up. 

I didnt mind geriatrics either or fractures. Its all been pretty fun. I quite like the medicine life except for the studying part and the getting up early part etc

I had COVID so got that over and done with. 

friends are being ...you know my friends. 

Holy joe. 

This has been a quick year. 

But also Im so ready for a break. 

So please gawd let me pass these motherfukcing exams. 

Im ready to chill the fuck out. 

thisdoesntfeellikeachoice

thisdoesntfeellikeachoice

thisdoesntfeellikeachoice

thisdoesntfeellikeachoice

I was expecting her to be all like yeh no probs my child take all my money. 

I joke, but onr i was expecting her to say yes no probs. 

she outright said no. 

and now im so annoyed and frustrated

like literally how dare she say no to her fat daughter

like i thought she wanted the best for my health and well being etc

and now im annoyed

and my feelings are real and valid

yet utterly wrong 

like Im expecting her to pay for her twentyfive year old working daughters personal training sessions. 

why the fuck do i feel so hard done by 

god im a fucking dick

i think its because sometimes she can be so generous with her money - and she has a fair amount

and so it it is still so surprising when she prevents me access to all her hard earned cash

Eat something

Clean

Run a mile

Its summertime and Im going to go into 2nd year medicine in September. I have a job in a pharmacy at a local hospital and i actually dont mind it (British talk for I actually like it!)

Otherwise i feel like my life is going to shit. And im sorry for writing on this only when this happens.

I feel really sad that i don’t have a partner. In fact a bit lost. I have a huge fucking crush on my pharmacy manager, despite him being 20 years older. He is (i believe) single and no children. But I don’t want to ruinng the relationship since Im literally going to be in that hospital for a long ass time throughout my medical career. But I’m holding out hope!

My bulimia/BED has gotten so much worse. I feel like its unstoppable sometimes. It makes me feel so out of control of my life. The compulsions are just too strong sometimes, and this happens almost everyday.  

Since we had so long off for summer, I also thought i would get a lot done - aka lose weight, fix my eating disorder, start doing a bit of revision for next year etc. So I have got a therapist (who is actually pretty on top of it) and a personal trainer who i don’t want to go back to. So theres some evidence of trying to change - despite my life not changing a whole lot. 

Last Sunday, I booked a flight to America to climb some mountains. I booked it for the next day - i.e. Monday. So I did - and a couple of things happened that made it a pretty not amazing trip. 1) someone tried to get into my tent, like rob me or something  2) i binged almost the entire time. So what i thought was going to be helpful in terms of my mental health, was in fact not that helpful.

Ive starting smoking when life becomes overwhelming - its not much but big enough for me. My house is a fucking tip. I need to clean. And do washing. Im spiralling and have little place to go. 

and i have jet lag. 

also FYI I met the pres of the medical school 2 days ago and he gave me a hand shake and said well done on doing so well on my exams - like first of all how the fuck do you know who i am but second of all yaasssbittchhhh