you, me and everything in between

maybe all i need is only a day to myself. to sulk behind the bed covers, in fetal position, hugging myself, holding on to the only thing is sure i'll always have in life: me.

hatiku sudah lama aku titip padanya. ha bentuknya memang sudah jelek. somplak di sana-sini, ada memar biru di beberapa tempat, bahkan sisa panah terakhir masih menusuk; dibungkus kain perban yang sudah mulai menguning. tapi aku tidak bisa minta hati yang baru; aku juga tidak mampu membawanya kemana-mana. jika tersambung dengan tubuhku, aku bisa mati karena sisa-sisa racun di dalamnya. aku titip padanya. aku percayakan dia tidak akan menambah luka baru. aku menitipkan pada tempat yang benar. ah aku kemudian bermain terlalu kejam. hatiku tidak padaku. tidak lagi ia berisik mengubah tingkahku. ah kemudian ia lelah menggengam yang bukan miliknya. dikembalikan tanpa luka baru; dalam box ungu berpita manis. mati aku.

you've taken way too much; much more than you know, much more than you thought you know.

today i mourn. i mourn about us. we used to be cute, we were once happy. i'd ask what happened if the answer wasn't so obvious. i happened. i got this habit of destroying my own happiness. sabotaging my future. it comes so easy, so effortless and so naturally for me. you were just there. trying hard to believe that i'm just a lost little girl instead of one broken-pretending-to-be-functioning girl. how can you help me? how can you stop me destructing everything? you've never seen anything quite like me. how can i let you spend another month or year with me? how can i spin another drama, just to make sure you'd still be there? it'd my biggest sin. know this, this is me being kind. trust this, it isn't easy to walk away from you. i love you. i'll always do.

karena aku percaya, jodoh tak kemana. tersesat pun, aku akan pulang pada rumahku.

you. i hope you're okay. i hope you understand that our goodbye wasn't about you. i owe you the world, i could never repay you. not in the slightest. if i can go back in time, i'll make another decision. a good one. so i won't have to be destroyed and take you down with me. it's me. me and my stupid decisions. i thought i'm untouchable, i'll survive anything and came back without a scratch. i'm not. i'm bruised and beaten. broken beyond repair. you were too kind. if i told you how i am, you'd probably stay on and try to patch me up. you were too kind. that's not how you're life supposed to be, you deserved way way way better than that; than me. so, yeah. i hope you're okay. i hope you're happy. without a scratch.

sayang, jangan bilang aku ga 'sendiri' kalo pas aku butuh kamu entah dimana yaa..

it's like you're dead. i miss you so so so much, but i'm not looking for you anymore.

my friends warn me not to stray too far. "how can you go back after all of that?" me, with all of my arrogance, keep playing. pushing the boundaries. i want to see the world. "okay then, just don't forget to find your way back home", they said. home? i don't even know where home is. my home burned down a couple years ago. home is long gone, but i don't say a word. i know they were hoping to be my home. my comfort zone. in a way, they are. but how can you be lost if you don't know where you're headed and where home is? i don't know where i am, but i'm here. not lying dead on some hotel room. not crying my eyes out over some shit boys who don't know how to love me. not wanting to be dead every couple of hours. i'm here. dealing with this shitty world and shitty people. that's good enough for now.