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yeah, yeah! i'm not saying there's anything wrong with the hyper-pop thing, but sometimes you just want everything to calm down a bit, don't you? i think we're both secretly just acoustic people trapped in an unnecessarily loud era. right, that's serious then, i'm holding you to that now, so there's no backing out later. the fact you still get giddy when people tell you that is actually quite sweet. i suppose it's easy to forget that, even after everything you've done, you're still allowed to get excited when someone tells you they love your voice.

wait, what? you wanna be in a music video with me? i didn't know this was an option but hell yeah. this might just be the push i've been needing to start writing new material. gimme a month or two and i'll be circling back to this conversation. people need something to listen to over the holidays and maybe halloween orange will be the color for the new era. you'd genuinely be perfect for any kind of video. what's your schedule looking like for the next couple of months? just so i know when to pencil in the video shoot? also, i'm playing a show in london in late september so if you're around, i would love to have you there.

i was half expecting you to laugh at me & tell me to stop trying to manifest my way into one of your music videos. now i'm going to have to pretend i'm completely calm about the fact that you've just casually offered me a part in your next era. halloween orange as the colour for the new era? i'm already sold. you could put out an album cover that's just an orange square & i'd probably convince myself it was genius. the next couple of months are a bit all over the place, but i can definitely make time if you're planning on having me there. are you kidding me? i'd absolutely love to come! you don't even have to ask twice. i'll be there, assuming you don't change your mind after realising you've accidentally invited me. i'll stay out of the way, promise. although if you put me somewhere near the stage, i'm probably going to be embarrassingly excited about it. god, i'm such a fan.

You care about me? Have to say I'm a little surprised considering... everything. But I'm doing great. How're you?

i do. i know that probably sounds a bit odd coming from me, especially after everything that's happened between us & i don't expect you to just take my word for it. things between us haven't exactly been brilliant & i'm not going to pretend otherwise. but whatever happened, i don't think i can suddenly switch off caring about someone who was such a big part of my life. that doesn't mean i'm trying to reopen anything or pretend we're fine. i just wanted to know you were alright, that's all. i'm good.

now, not to be that person but is argylle worth the watch? i remember seeing the trailer when it came out but never got around to watching it. i feel like such a dick asking but i hadn't heard much about it after it came out. @partridgelous

no, you're absolutely allowed to ask that. i'd probably be more offended if you pretended you'd watched it & then started quoting scenes you'd never actually seen. i think it's worth watching if you go into it knowing exactly what it is, it's ridiculous, completely over the top & it doesn't take itself particularly seriously. so if you're expecting some life changing piece of cinema, maybe don't, but if you want something entertaining & a bit stupid, i reckon you'll have a good time.

a girl got surgery on her entire face to look like me, if that counts? ariana grande style. she seemed sweet and of course we have different biology so it didn't quite work. but you can imagine my shock when we had a fansign and she told me that to my face. there's also creepy men stories, but is that new? what about you? what's your freakiest story?

...bro. wait, she actually told you that to your face at a fansign? i don't know what i'd do in that situation. i'd probably just stand there smiling like an idiot while my brain completely stopped working. that's such a bizarre thing to hear from someone, especially when they've actually gone as far as having surgery to look like you. i suppose it's flattering in the most terrifying way possible, but also… bloody hell. i'm glad she seemed sweet, at least. i'm not sure there's ever going to be a shortage of those, unfortunately. i've had some strange experiences, but i reckon the weirdest ones are when people somehow know things about you that you've never told them. you'll be having a completely normal day & someone will casually mention where you were the night before. it's that moment where you realise someone's been paying much more attention to you than you've ever paid to them. proper unsettling.

i think you could come up with the shittiest storyline known to mankind, copy the entire twilight plot with an anime twist, and somehow, thanks to that smooth british accent, you'd sell it in no time. real life me would be exhausted if i had a new girl every episode, but anime me? i'd be down. just make me look really buff and give me a brow slit. i don't know, seems coolio. i have to admit, i've never watched a single episode or read the comics, but they're hot, so. good for them, though. of course you're a model. look at you? handsome son of a bitch.

i don't think i'd copy the entire twilight plot because twilight fans are absolutely mental & they'd judge me for it. they'd probably make a whole twitter account dedicated to hating me & i'd have to spend the rest of my life surrounded by angry fans. i'm not sure i'm emotionally prepared for that, mate. i get exhausted having one girl around for, like... two years. imagine having to deal with that in an anime, i'd never survive. i'll make you look as badass as humanly possible. never? what the hell? that's actually criminal. but i agree with you, to be fair, you've got good taste, so i'll make sure all of this happens, consider it sorted. i'll put you in the coolest scenes, give you all the best lines & make everyone else look completely useless next to you, you're welcome. right, though, enough about me. we need to focus on you now, because apparently you've decided you don't have a single flaw. which, frankly, is incredibly disrespectful to the rest of humanity. how are the rest of us supposed to compete with that?

i mean, right now, it sort of feels like you're holding a gun to my head — but since we're going slightly pg-rated here, let's say fluffy pink handcuffs, since i'm being held hostage to this question and i'd at least like to look cute while i suffer. but if i had to choose? probably singing, just because it's more therapeutic. like, my therapist is probably more impressed with the bars i write than me mentally running away into another character for six months and calling it healing. plus, the potential to headline a stadium versus show up at the oscars? stadium applause every time. there's no oscar equivalent of fifty thousand people screaming your lyrics back at you, and if there is, meryl streep's been hiding it from me.

i'm sorry for making you feel that way, but it was something i'd been curious about for ages. although, to be fair, a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs probably makes the question considerably less strange, doesn't it? i'll take that as my excuse anyway. i reckon you're always cute, so you don't really need to worry about that. seriously, though? i honestly wouldn't have a clue what it feels like to have fifty thousand people screaming the lyrics back at me. i'm not a singer or anything, so i've never experienced anything remotely like that, but i imagine it must be absolutely incredible. oi, the oscars are quite a big deal! apparently people spend years & years working towards getting one, & then when they finally do, they just stand there crying. i'd probably do the same, to be honest. i think both professions are bloody brilliant in completely different ways. acting lets you become someone else for a while & music lets you put something incredibly personal out into the world & have people connect with it. i don't think i could ever properly choose between the two, although i'm probably biased because i'm fascinated by anything i'm not particularly good at.